Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated

[Finch]

I feel so mentally exhausted right now.

[kayc]

It'll do that to you...

[Lynne58]

Finch, I feel the same.  I cry soo hard I feel I can't breathe.  At times I feel like my Heart may stop.  I am in such emotional anguish I can barely stand it. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

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[Gin]

Finch and Lynne,

Thoughts are with you on our very hard journey!

Gin

[DaveM]

We care, Buddy.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Finch I think you and I are in the same situation with our grief right now.  I'm exhausted too.  

I don't know what I think or feel as so much of my life is just following the same old routine.  I say old but I mean discouraging.  

The weather here has been very unusual.  We have been getting large snowfalls with a few days of melting and then another big dump of the white stuff.  Trying to do anything to keep the horses mucked out is really difficult.  Wheelbarrows and 3 feet of snow is so sad it's funny!

I'm sending you kind thoughts and wishes for better days to come.

[kayc]

Marita,

I hope your snow quits.  I know I personally do not want to see that prediction forecast the rest of this winter!

[kayc]

Finch, it seems so many are feeling exhausted...grief does that.  It takes so much from us...

Hoping you start feeling better.

[Finch]

thanks everyone.

 

rough few days. Feeling alot of guilt and self-doubt today.

 

 

[enna]

Finch,

I am sorry you are having rough days and experiencing guilt and self-doubt.  It is normal when we are grieving.  Early on in my grief, I found this post by Marty on her Grief Healing Blog to be helpful to me.  The links following the article are helpful too. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[kayc]

I'm not getting an article like that with that link, Anne.  Has it been moved?

I like this one:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

and this one:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

[enna]

Kay,

I think your first link and mine are the same.  I tried mine and it is working for me. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hang in there Finch.  This is another of those huge waves of grief.  It hurts like hell right now but it will pass.  Then you'll be almost ok till the next one.

 

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[kayc]

I was looking for an article about grief and self doubt and didn't see it.

[Finch]

Question: If you lost someone very close and you had the chance to see photos or videos or hear audio of them that you had never ever seen or heard before, of them smiling and laughing etc, would the potentially priceless nature of seeing these outweigh the negatives or possible hurt  or shock of simultaneously discovering that that person had significant parts of their life you didn't know about and perhaps altered your perception of them? 

Let's also suppose that some time has passed since that person was lost so maybe the grief and pain isn't as intense and maybe you are in a better place to handle such a shock and perhaps even more receptive to it. Would you be glad to be able to see this material?

[kayc]

Everyone has to answer this for themselves, but I am an inquisitive person so I already know what my choice would be!  Once I'd worked through it, however, I don't think it would change how I feel about him because in a way I went through something kind of like that (his XGF called a year after he died, she wasn't aware he was dead) and I worked through it.  Just because we don't know EVERYTHING about a person, does not change who they were.  Nor does it take away from what we had together.  I think in learning even more about the person, it helps you understand them better. Just make sure not to judge based on something you can't ask them about.  Accept the WHOLE of the person.

[Finch]

Thanks Kay. 

If it were me, I would want to see them. I am asking as I am trying to imagine how Crystal's friends might react were I to share the pictures/videos I have of her with them. But this will naturally make them ask themselves why someone they don't know has all this stuff, given our relationship was not known. And thus possibly change their perception of her. But like you say, maybe they could work through it and it would be worth it to see her laugh and smile in these pictures.

[Widowedbysuicide]

How are you Finch?  I've been missing you here.

Like Kay, I'm inquisitive.  I would want to see anything.  As for a change in my perception I don't know.  

I hope whatever you decide works out well for everyone.

[MartyT]

It seems to me, Finch, that you are coming from your own perspective of what you would want (i.e., "If it were me, I would want to see them.") But you are not these other people, and they have not asked to see these materials ~ so how can you possibly know how they would react if the request is not coming from them? And what exactly is your objective here? What do you hope to accomplish by sharing this information with her friends? 

[Finch]

27 minutes ago, MartyT said:

It seems to me, Finch, that you are coming from your own perspective of what you would want (i.e., "If it were me, I would want to see them.") But you are not these other people, and they have not asked to see these materials ~ so how can you possibly know how they would react if the request is not coming from them? And what exactly is your objective here? What do you hope to accomplish by sharing this information with her friends? 

Hi Marty, yes, this is why I am asking the question of what you would all do in that situation, because I can't know what they would want. They haven't asked for the materials because they don't know they even exist, so this is entirely in my hands. I can only imagine or assume they might want to see them. But I can also only imagine or assume how they might react.

My objective is for some of the lovely pictures/videos I have to be shared to those others that love her.

[Finch]

And yes, my motives are not selfless, but they are also not selfish. Somewhere in the middle.

[MartyT]

Ask yourself this: What do I hope will happen if I do this? Is that any different from what could happen if I do this? And, Whose need am I meeting here? It seems to me that this is yet another way of letting Crystal's friends and family know about her relationship with you. What is the point of doing that? Who stands to benefit from that? It can open up a Pandora's box of questions. I hope you will consider a careful weighing of the risks and benefits here, Finch, and be completely honest about who stands to benefit the most if you decide to do this. 

[Finch]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Ask yourself this: What do I hope will happen if I do this? Is that any different from what could happen if I do this? And, Whose need am I meeting here? It seems to me that this is yet another way of letting Crystal's friends and family know about her relationship with you. What is the point of doing that? Who stands to benefit from that? It can open up a Pandora's box of questions. I hope you will consider a careful weighing of the risks and benefits here, Finch, and be completely honest about who stands to benefit the most if you decide to do this. 

Thanks Marty for your reply. I decided to work through your questions to help me figure this out.

 

What do I hope will happen if I do this?

That whomever I contact is happy to see the photos etc, that they view them as absolutely priceless gifts, and that I am able to create a firmer link with Crystal's life. That my relationship with her is validated more. That I will get, finally, some closure. Finally. Finally.

Is that any different from what could happen if I do this?

Yes. Depending on who I contact, I could shock them and cause them upset. For instance contacting her friends is less of a risk than contacting her parents. They may not reply at all. However, is it not also possible that, with the time that has passed, they may be able to deal with the realisation? As Kay said earlier after I posed the question, learning more about a person helps you better understand them. It's not like I would go into detail about anything. I wouldn't outright say it was a relationship. They would probably figure it out though based on me having all these things they haven't seen.

Whose need am I meeting here?

Mine, totally mine. But why isn't it ok to think of myself in this scenario? I have struggled with this lack of closure for a year and a half and I have held back from doing this purely because I am taking into consideration their likely feelings. So it's not like I haven't put their feelings first. I have. But what about my feelings? I will never be able to let this go. It still eats at me. Crystal kept me secret, yes. That is a fact. But the one fact that has changed is that she is no longer here. So that changes everything. Everything. I am left with the pain and the grief and I also am confident that she would be ok with me contacting her friends, and probably her father, as long as I did it in a careful and considerate way, and my brief contacts with them thus far have been measured, considerate and subtle.

What is the point of doing that? 

It will be a form of closure. My grief counsellor, who I have discussed this with every week for over a year, thinks I should put my feelings first this time. I have been having nightmares lately, very vivid dreams. All because of the back and forth I keep having with myself over what is the right thing to do. Every weekend I nearly send the messages. And then I chicken out. I can't keep doing this. I need this for closure. Why am I the bad guy in this story? Don't I deserve the closure? I wasn't there at her side at the end. I wasn't at the memorial service. I loved her Infinity times more than her husband did. But I am the one in the shadows. So this is a way to try and close a chapter. I should point out, the husband DOES know about me. So it wouldn't be news to him (not that I plan on contacting him specifically).

Who stands to benefit from that?

Me, mainly. Them if they are able to understand it. Maybe it turns out really well and they are grateful for what I share with them. But there is also the possibility that if they do not receive it well, I will upset them, and that will not be a benefit to me, because I will feel bad. So... me. But is that a bad thing? A year and a half has passed. I've been ultra patient and I sometimes get so, so angry that I have to live in these shadows. Crystal wouldn't want this for me. 

 

 

 

[Margm]

I will just go ahead and remove my reply.  It really was appropriate, but maybe should not be said by me.  I don't know you.