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Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated


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Finch, My grief & the way I feel is so much like yours. Me & my life partner the instant we met eyes it was truly love at first sight  We were inseparable only time we were apart was due to work. My love starting getting this cough in March2016. It kept getting worse & I would beg him to go to the Dr but he would just tell me it was just his sinuses acting up. This went on until right after the New Year.  I finally got him to go to the ER,after being sent home from work,we were there 8hrs. The Dr came in with his dx of cancer in his right lung & cancerous lymph nodes in his right throat thats why he was coughing.  Things got very bad very quick. He was dx on Jan 3rd & on Jan 9th at 430 am he was gone. I was taking care of my love from our home, he only wanted me, but on the 9th about 1am he was in excruciating pain & his lips were turning a blueish color & he had fallen between our bed & TV. So, I called 911 & as weak as he was he kept sayinv no Lynne no. He wanted to die in my arms. But, as much as I would've wanted that I was still praying he'd come out of some of this plus I couldn't do it to his family.  The ambulance guys said I couldn't go with him so I gathered up what I thought he might need & left. I never saw him alive again. The Er Dr came out the 1st time & told us he went into cardiac arrest but were able to bring him back the Dr also said his body was riddled with cancer even in his bones. Told us they were in the process of moving him to critical care in the ICU but he went into cardiac arrest again & they couldn't bring him back.  I collapsed and just screamed NO, my son was on the phone freaking out he said he has never heard me like that before. I was hysterical. Then I told them I wanted to see him. When I saw him I just begin sobbing & I took his hand in mine & gently stroked his hair & kept kissing his face his forehead getting real close to his ear begging him to wake up. I stayed in there until they physically took me away. But, while I was in there with him alone all of a sudden I felt a warm presence around me. I said baby is that you....the chaplin saw & came in & said yes honey that is him letting you know that he is with you.  I left my heart and part of myself there with him when I left that hospital.  I cant eat, I barely sleep. The agonizing pain through out my whole body and the hurt & ache in my heart is so unbearable that I can barely breath. The love we shared was so intense so wonderful beautiful.  I keep thinking he's going to come walking through that front door and this was all a terrible dream. He was the other half of me and without him my life just doesnt work. I/we loved each other intensely.  He was funny, caring, giving, loving most Wonderful man I have ever known.  He worried all the time about making sure I was taken care of.   And I the same. He had diabetes and I was always asking him about his levels, etc...  Baby, my truest love I will never stop missing you or loving you. I can not wait until we are brought together again, in heaven???

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Lynne - I am so sorry for everything you are going through.  Your loss is so raw and so fresh.  I too lost my love to lung cancer just barely over eighteen months ago.  I also went through a long period of not being able to eat or sleep, my sleep still isn't what it was before my Deedo died.  I haven't had a nap since July 23, 2015.  That was the last day my wife was home.  The next day I took her to the ED with seven blood clots in her lungs, they kept her until July 28th and then we took to hospice.  She died sixteen hours after we got her situated in hospice.  If you haven't already may I suggest you find a good grief counselor.  For me it was the best step I made.  It is so hard facing each day without the one who made us complete.  Welcome to the forum and know that we are here to help you as you begin to deal with your grief.

Brad

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Brad, thank you. You are right it is very fresh & I am so tender, so completely lost. My truest love & I had a complete connection that alot of us in our lifetime have. My life all growing up & in my marriage was very bad. I was physically, verbally & mentality abused. The same time my marriage end my sister of only 46 died. Then soon after my dad. I was a absolute mess. Then just by chance my love & I happened to connect eyes in a restaurant.  We both walked toward one another & as we talked we had already fell in love. I adored him & he adored me. We became inseparable except when we had to work. There is so much more for the complete love we had for each other. He was the other half of me & I him. My heart aches and hurts so bad I can barely breath.  I can not begin in mere words try to tell anyone how I feel & how intensely I Miss my baby. I will LOVE HIM forever.   I can not wait til the day that we are reunited in heaven. I find myself actually jealous of the angels and god because they have him by their side now. But, I also know that he is no longer in the excruciating pain he was in and that he is watching over me from above & god & the angels are watching out for my baby.  Until that time, my love......please baby never stop watching over me....at timed I can actually feel you, smell you see you.......I love you baby with all that I am...???

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Lynne,

I'm so sorry, it sounds like your relationship was like ours, we were soul mates, best friends, lovers, partners.  We spent all our time together when we were not working.  Always holding hands, cuddling.  Talking over our day.

My husband died of heart attack also, and my response was the same, you could hear me crying out all through the hospital when they came to tell me.  It's hard not being able to be with them when they died, they wouldn't let me be there when they were working on his heart.  I'll always wish I could have been there as he passed into the next life.  When I was able to see him afterwards, he wasn't there, the body was empty of him, but I have felt him with me since, it's something I can't explain.  The way he affected my life will always remain too.

I'm glad you found this site, it's been a life saver for me.

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You can't feel or understand Grief  if you haven't  committed yourself to unconditional love and it is lost.......the two go hand in hand......That is why only we can understand this....I believe I can live and function with Grief, but still have those moments..... 

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My love passed very quickly on Jan 9,2017 at 430am. So far, things are no better for me. I continue to lose wait, I cannot stop my tears, I try, but I'll see something, here something. I can smell him all around me. I keep asking myself why & I know only god can answer that question.  Maybe in time he will. I feel like my heart & part of myself has been ripped from my body.   And my truest love is the only one that can fill that void. I will Love him Forever.   I cannot wait until we are brought back together in heaven......

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26 minutes ago, Lynne58 said:

My love passed very quickly on Jan 9,2017 at 430am. So far, things are no better for me. I continue to lose wait, I cannot stop my tears, I try, but I'll see something, here something. I can smell him all around me. I keep asking myself why & I know only god can answer that question.  Maybe in time he will. I feel like my heart & part of myself has been ripped from my body.   And my truest love is the only one that can fill that void. I will Love him Forever.   I cannot wait until we are brought back together in heaven......

Lynne, I'm so sorry for what brings you here. Your grief is still very fresh so therfore the tears, the pain is felt so intensely. I lost my fiance December 10, 2016 and I'm still feeling all that intense pain that comes with losing you're best friend/soulmate. There are no words that could ever make this reality feel ok but know that you are not alone. We are here to travel this journey with you. 

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Lynne my heart goes out to you......these first weeks are the most difficult...Now this advice is very important, your health and nutrition is paramount right now..Make a point of getting some Protein and green veggies in you....Use supplements......There are very few words that can help your pain but read the entries /contributors. We have all shared your pain and emptiness, you will survive, but firstly, watch the Grief Diet.....you need food...all the best kevin

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Ive tried to eat. I have such a hugh lump in my throat chest and heart area nothing will go down. Then if I do happen to get jello down it comes back up or out. My colitis really acts up when Im upset. But, in all honesty, I just dont have an appetite at all  

,

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Oh Lynne,

My heart just goes out to you. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

There are no words that I can say to you. I will sit here with you for as long as you wish me to. That is what we do here on this forum. I understand about not being able to eat. I assure you that you will eat eventually. It is important that you engage in self-care. I hope you will try to keep yourself hydrated, see your doctor for the colitis for that may be why nothing stays down, and try a drink that has vitamins in it. I know all this may not even be what you want to do but I assure you you will start feeling better. Later you may want to visit with a good grief counselor who will be able to help you with your grief. It is too soon for you to be feeling any different than what you are feeling right now. We are here for you. 

Anne

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Lynne,

What Kevin said is true.  If you can't keep anything down, please see your doctor and explain to them what is going on.  I drink smoothies and they're great supplements.
 

Spinach, bananas, strawberries, orange juice concentrate, protein powder, yogurt.

Kale, celery, bananas, rhubarb, applesauce.

The first one has all the food groups and I'm sure you could add yogurt and protein powder to the second one as well.

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On 2/3/2017 at 3:12 PM, Lynne58 said:

Ive tried to eat. I have such a hugh lump in my throat chest and heart area nothing will go down. Then if I do happen to get jello down it comes back up or out. My colitis really acts up when Im upset. But, in all honesty, I just dont have an appetite at all  

,

My grief is pretty fresh as well, he died in an accident at Christmas. At first I literally ate nothing for days. I just drank Gatorade and sprite and crackers and such when I could. Even when I think I'm hungry sometimes I will sit down to eat and I think of him and I just can't eat. When I take a xanax I can eat a little better now.  It just calms my thoughts enough for me to feel a little ok. I've lost about ten pounds, around 127 now. I have been having panic attacks that are so bad I feel like I'm going to die at times. I just start shaking and my heart races I can't breathe it's terrible. But I am a little better with eating now, at least on some days. 

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Eating becomes almost a necessary evil.  I lost almost 10 pounds too and have yet to regain them.  It adds even more to the stress.   I feel I am not only emotionally shrinking away but physically too.  I defined on Xanax too for some respite.

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On 2/2/2017 at 4:07 PM, Lynne58 said:

Finch, My grief & the way I feel is so much like yours. Me & my life partner the instant we met eyes it was truly love at first sight  We were inseparable only time we were apart was due to work. My love starting getting this cough in March2016. It kept getting worse & I would beg him to go to the Dr but he would just tell me it was just his sinuses acting up. This went on until right after the New Year.  I finally got him to go to the ER,after being sent home from work,we were there 8hrs. The Dr came in with his dx of cancer in his right lung & cancerous lymph nodes in his right throat thats why he was coughing.  Things got very bad very quick. He was dx on Jan 3rd & on Jan 9th at 430 am he was gone. I was taking care of my love from our home, he only wanted me, but on the 9th about 1am he was in excruciating pain & his lips were turning a blueish color & he had fallen between our bed & TV. So, I called 911 & as weak as he was he kept sayinv no Lynne no. He wanted to die in my arms. But, as much as I would've wanted that I was still praying he'd come out of some of this plus I couldn't do it to his family.  The ambulance guys said I couldn't go with him so I gathered up what I thought he might need & left. I never saw him alive again. The Er Dr came out the 1st time & told us he went into cardiac arrest but were able to bring him back the Dr also said his body was riddled with cancer even in his bones. Told us they were in the process of moving him to critical care in the ICU but he went into cardiac arrest again & they couldn't bring him back.  I collapsed and just screamed NO, my son was on the phone freaking out he said he has never heard me like that before. I was hysterical. Then I told them I wanted to see him. When I saw him I just begin sobbing & I took his hand in mine & gently stroked his hair & kept kissing his face his forehead getting real close to his ear begging him to wake up. I stayed in there until they physically took me away. But, while I was in there with him alone all of a sudden I felt a warm presence around me. I said baby is that you....the chaplin saw & came in & said yes honey that is him letting you know that he is with you.  I left my heart and part of myself there with him when I left that hospital.  I cant eat, I barely sleep. The agonizing pain through out my whole body and the hurt & ache in my heart is so unbearable that I can barely breath. The love we shared was so intense so wonderful beautiful.  I keep thinking he's going to come walking through that front door and this was all a terrible dream. He was the other half of me and without him my life just doesnt work. I/we loved each other intensely.  He was funny, caring, giving, loving most Wonderful man I have ever known.  He worried all the time about making sure I was taken care of.   And I the same. He had diabetes and I was always asking him about his levels, etc...  Baby, my truest love I will never stop missing you or loving you. I can not wait until we are brought together again, in heaven???

Lynne, I'm deeply sorry for the profound pain you are suffering and how raw it must feel. You have alot to work through, and it's going to take time, and it's going to seem impossibly hard. Everyone on this forum has been going through their own journey, and the shared experiences and support have helped us to cope. I hope you find this to be an outlet.

I echo everyone else in saying you need to start taking physical care of yourself, in the same way your partner would want you to. I barely ate a thing for days and weeks after losing Crystal. I soon found myself going in the other direction, which led to me putting on weight and becoming very unhealthy (though in part this was because of side effects to the anti-depressants I was taking at the time). But eventually I managed to get a handle on it with a healthier diet and lots of exercise, and that improved my mood somewhat.

At this stage you need to try and take each minute by each minute. Do you have support from your family and friends?

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11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Eating becomes almost a necessary evil.  I lost almost 10 pounds too and have yet to regain them.  It adds even more to the stress.   I feel I am not only emotionally shrinking away but physically too.  I defined on Xanax too for some respite.

Me too. I felt better for a few days but right now I feel completely hopeless and find joy in nothing. Even if something makes me smile for a second the gloom suddenly overshadows it. If I do eat a normal amount I just get sick later. I used to work out all the time and had a pretty athletic build but now I just keep losing and my rib cage kinda shows. It isn't very bad but I had worked pretty hard at what I was before. I still do workout hoping it will help me but I find that I just really don't care. Just like I don't care if I put on makeup half the time or anything else. I saw another counselor but it just doesn't do any good. I just don't want to be here feeling like this for the rest of my life. 

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Gwenivere. Neither do I.......

Miss you baby with every breath I take.  My life has no meaning anymore. My heart aches and hurts so bad that I can barely stand it 

 I want my baby back or I want to be with him   I miss him desperately  I will love him forever  until we meet again my truest love.......

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  • 2 weeks later...

I found a video today that has his voice in it. I searched and searched. It's crazy I found it really. It's on one of his friend's Facebook pages. It's a video of their kids and he happens to be in the background talking. I have played it and played it and played it. Everyone still thinks I should be better by now. I don't understand how. Even his wife seems to be doing better than me. Or maybe she is just stronger than me or puts on a better front I don't know. I have so much guilt and so many unresolved feelings. I feel like I'm just dying inside a little more every day. 

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More than likely she puts up a front and grieves in private, esp. since she has children.

I'm glad you found a video, I wish I had something like that.

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If feel completely and utterly lost without my truest love. He passed very suddenly on Jan 9th at 430am.  I miss him more than I can explain in mere words.  I will Love my baby forever.   Without my baby life has no meaning. I can not concentrate on any one thing for very long and I could care less about eating.   Im so in love with my truest love, we had so many plans for one another,  now they are all gone. The day I meet up with my love in heaven will be the happiest day of my life......

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12 hours ago, kayc said:

More than likely she puts up a front and grieves in private, esp. since she has children.

I'm glad you found a video, I wish I had something like that.

I'm sure she does. And I don't know her I just saw her in a smiling pic on fb and someone told me they saw her out with friend this past Friday night. Some people are just like that though. They know they have to make the best of it and go on. Unfortunately I'm not. I'm more in a drown in my misery kind of person. I certainly have no desire to go out with friends. I have taken my kids places and of course I'm married so I have to pretend to be as normal as possible but it's pretty evident to everyone I'm not myself. But this is the new me. I won't be that me again. The video only has a few words of him speaking but I'm still so thankful I found it. Now I just wish I had something physical to keep like his shirt, sunglasses, watch etc. I'm sure I will never have a chance to have any thing like that though. It's crazy that it's almost been two months now and yet it still just doesn't seem like it can be real that he is gone forever. It's like I constantly try to wrap my head around it and "figure it out." Sometimes I wish I were one of those people that just pushes through and finds a way to "be strong" but I feel like that would just be a lie. I see now how everything I did was somehow thinking of him. If I worked out it was in hopes to look good to him, or if I bought something to wear, did something new to my hair, posted a picture on Facebook it was all in desire for his admiration. When I left traveling for work I hoped to see him out traveling for his job, or I liked to just think about him being out too while I was driving.  I always liked thinking about what he was doing. Now when I walk out to leave in the morning everything just seems so pointless. I loved how his texts caught me by surprise sometimes. He usually text a certain time of day and sometimes around that time I still look at my phone thinking about it. It just doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem real that I will NEVER again see one of his texts again. Ever. How I would give anything to go back. It's like my only focus is getting through life to see him again and I know I shouldn't be that way. I have a family and wonderful kids that are my heart. But once you have felt that strong about someone it is so so hard to know you have to carry on through life and never feel that kind of happiness again. And then of course I have guilt that God took him away because of our adultery. I have guilt for feeling so strong for someone that wasn't mine. I feel such sadness that he wasn't ever mine. I have guilt for longing to see someone in heaven that I only knew out of sin, and wondering if I can even know him there. But that thought of seeing him again is all that gets me through. I just imagine me dying and him being there smiling how he always did and then I'll know he was ok all that time. I know I have rambled on and on this morning. I just have so much on my mind, as I always do.

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11 hours ago, Lynne58 said:

If feel completely and utterly lost without my truest love. He passed very suddenly on Jan 9th at 430am.  I miss him more than I can explain in mere words.  I will Love my baby forever.   Without my baby life has no meaning. I can not concentrate on any one thing for very long and I could care less about eating.   Im so in love with my truest love, we had so many plans for one another,  now they are all gone. The day I meet up with my love in heaven will be the happiest day of my life......

As you can see from my rambling above my thoughts are a lot like yours. I'm just totally fixated on seeing him again in heaven. I don't eat much either. I just now started eating a little better at least on some days. A lot of times though I think I might be hungry and then when I sit to eat I think about it all and I can't. I feel like I have such a long time to go in this sadness as I'm only 33. I can't imagine living in this pain for 50 years if I live to a natural age of death. I don't want to die and leave my babies of course, but I just don't want to hurt like this. But at the same time I'm so so scared of forgetting how he made me feel. I knew him for 11 years and there was never one time that he didn't just take my breath away and make my heart skip beats even just talking to him. Sometimes I think what if he can see all this I would be embarassed about just how obsessed I am haha. But I just love him so much. 

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On Wed Feb 01 2017 at 0:49 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

I'm so pleased it worked out so well for you Finch.  We all have to walk in our own shoes and I believe that your steps were well thought out and your path was planned to do no harm.

I realise that not everyone or every contact situation will work out as well as yours has. I must really credit you for being so vigilant in checking into all aspects of your plan. While you were able to find some comfort for yourself you did not compromise Crystal's reputation and were able to tell her father that Crystal was a good friend to others including you.

I believe you are a gentleman Finch.

 

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