Hope in this new life

[Patty65]

Oh me too, Joyce.  At the end of my long days, I go home and have all these plans of things I will try to make the night more bearable.  When they don't happen, that's exactly what I try to / need to say.  I'll try again tomorrow.  That does take courage, I'm not always successful.  I guess there's a fine line between crazy and courageous.

 

 

[brat#2]

Patty, you are so right, there is a real fine line between crazy and courageous, although lately I feel I'm more crazy.  Oh well, there is always tomorrow!

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Girls, you know I crossed that line back when I reached puberty.  Now that I am entering my second childhood, I prefer to live on the crazy side.  I don't care about respect.  I think the Native Americans honored those of us whose brain had taken flight.  That is honor enough for me.  

Hey, I went looking for my house note to pay.  Thought I had paid it.  Found it and it said October, 2015.  Billy died in October 2015.  I know that house note was paid, never been late, never missed one.  Tore through all the papers on my desk.  No house note.  What to do?  Okay, I signed in to their web site and registered.  It gave me 3 times to sign in.  Took the whole three.  Their password and mine did not like each other.  Finally, on the 3rd time we agreed.  

Wrung me out.  I cannot tell you how wonderful it really would be to have that padded room with a collection of my books.  Just let my kids come peep in the window, I will wave, they will know where I am, I will know where I am.  If this is second childhood, shouldn't I have no responsibilities?  

[Clematis]

I think the crazy/courageous line is a line in time. If you do something crazy but it comes out ok, anyone could claim it as courageous. If you get bad results the same thing might be seen as crazy...

Computers? I think the problem with them is it doesn't matter how much you learn, there is so much more to learn. There is exponentially more everyday! Even the IT people are lost half the time. My undergraduate degree was in Computer Information Systems, and as far as could tell most of it was irrelevant by the time I graduated. I am SO glad I switched directions...I think you have to really care to keep up with all that stuff. And I never did. I buy all Apple because you can get on the phone and proclaim your undying love for all things Apple, and they know it's true because they see a list of all your Apple devices on their screen. Then I tell them that I am totally clueless and they will have to hold me by the hand and walk me through the whole thing, one bit at a time...and they do! It can take a long time, but they are absolutely charming and pleasant. If they get frustrated, I interrupt them to tell them I am constantly amazed that Apple can find so many patient and really nice people to operate the tech-help lines. This encourages them to either take a deep breath and continue, or to find a supervisor because they are in over their heads and/or I am obviously a nut-ball...

[mittam99]

I thought this was an interesting quote about hope and very wise. It's easy to be hopeful when times are good. To be able to see real hope through the darkness of grief is a very special thing.

[kayc]

I still hold out hope that life will get better.  You might say I proceed on faith.  Has it gotten better in these last 11 years?  That's a relative term...compared to my life with George...no.  But I have gotten better at the journey.  I've gotten more used to being alone.  Do I always like it?  No.  But I also realize that if I'm holding my breath waiting for things to somehow miraculously get better, I need to exhale and realize, this IS my life...quit waiting for another "better" one.  This is it, and I don't want to miss whatever good there is in it.

[brat#2]

Wow Kay, so wonderfully put.

Joyce

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Mitch I love the last post you made.  I don't know how to put it into my post....

I just know it gives me hope.

[KATPILOT]

When you are on his post, click on Quote at the bottom then it will put you in Reply window. Then it will appear in your post. If you want, you can begin writing and then go up and click on Quote and it will appear under what you have written.

[mittam99]

I love the quote as well, Marita. 

The thing is, I hurt every day. It's such an unbearable existence at times... living life without my sweet Tammy by my side. It's often hard to fathom how I've even survived these past 15 months.

But, two things have helped me cope and move in a forward direction. First and foremost, the love Tammy and I shared. It's a very powerful thing. That love though, can be a double edged sword at times. We often hurt because we yearn for that life of love we're now missing. But, if we use that feeling of love in a positive way, we realize how blessed we are. That love we shared never dies. No one can take it from us.

The other thing that is so needed, not just during this grief journey, but in life in general, is hope. Let's face it,  it's basically impossible to move forward in a positive way if life feels utterly hopeless. Of course, so many of us feel so much despair that even the concept of hope is unimaginable.

I try to hold on to and cherish every small glimmer of hope I find. Those glimmers can be few and far between so they need to be savored.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I definitely don't have all the answers: I have far too many questions.  I just know that each time I lose hope I crash into such deep dispair.  This used to happen to me before Gord's death, but he was always there for me.  He knew just what to do to help me find hope and crawl back into our life.  Then I would walk, and eventually run into all of what was truly a great life.

I fear Gord is too far away to help me now.  That is why I have to hang on for my life and my son's life to each fragment of hope.

Each time I read of those on here who have been moving forward for years gives me hope.  I come to the forums as though they are my prescriptions.  I can get hope, truth, guidance, support and comfort to name a few.  My great thanks to those who are walking ahead for sharing their stories can not be described with a simple thank you but for now that is all I can say.

Marita

[kayc]

Grief is one of those things that I don't think has answers.  It's up to us to find our way in our own time, and we do it, one day at a time

I've been surprised by just how our loved one manages to send comfort to us when we most need it.  I think it's harder to pick up on it in the early days, maybe because we're in shock, maybe because we haven't opened up to it.

[mittam99]

I like this little poem and hope you do as well.

[brat#2]

Mitch - very nice poem, I like that.  Is that a new picture of Tammy?

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Yes, I did change to a different picture of Tammy.

[brat#2]

It's a beautiful picture, she looks just like you describe her.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Mitch, she is so pretty and happy looking.  My grandparents and my dad passed away, and I loved my Mammaw as much as a mother but nothing hurts like losing our mate.  It always made me sad to see the animals that have one mate for life, when they were alone.  Now I understand.  

[KATPILOT]

When you look at the picture of Tammy's face you can tell she not only looks happy but she is happy. It shows.............. not like just a picture where you smile for the camera.

[kayc]

She is absolutely gorgeous, I can see how you fell in love with her!

[HisWife]

I can honestly say that 28 months into this journey, I have experienced many more days filled with hope and calm as I wake most mornings than I did 6 months ago. That being said, I find myself wide awake at 2:45 a.m. reading and posting on this forum. Why? Because the one thing that I haven't been able to overcome is the fear of going through health issues/medical tests by myself. That happened this week. I had a test done 3 days ago (everything came back normal) but now I have this delayed anxiety attack thinking about what if it hadn't? I would be going through whatever by myself. So I'm awake, finding comfort reading all of your posts. Fortunately, this has been the first time in over a year I've experienced any real anxiety that would keep me awake. That's pretty good.

[kayc]

I understand.  I've been through some things by myself, and it's not fun.  There are several people here that have had health related issues they've had to deal with alone.  Their spouses had them to go through things with but they don't have that luxury themselves.

When anxiety hits, try meditation.  There's a whole section here with meditations, it really helps.

[Gwenivere]

That is so true, Kay.  I can't count how many things I was there for with Steve.  Now I have had to go thru so many tests.  Just to know someone was waiting fir you in the waiting room made all the difference.  Doctor visits aren't too bad (except there is no one to talk to about it when you get home), and ER trips have been the hardest.  Alone in a room with machines and how cold and intimidating all the equipment is.  I'd hear people in other rooms talking with thier partners or friends.  I was always the one sitting by the side if the bed for Steve.  That chair is empty for me.

[kevin]

I just had a call from the surgeons office in regards to a Hip replacement.....The caregiver and assistance was the one inconvenience I really did plan for.....Three weeks minimum no driving, assistance for almost everything, and all the housekeeping items............I deferred this because I'm only limping and definitely have to make my house(main bathroom) suitable for the disabled(me)........Kept my name on the list and have appointment scheduled in September for re-assessment   But , as you stated Gwen, the Chair by the bed is empty now,where before it wasn't........

[Gin]

That empty chair by the bed sure makes a difference.  No one who really cares.  No one talking to the doctor to see how you are doing.  Not a good feeling.  I had a stress echo, pulminary function test , 2 XRays, and several blood tests thus last month or so.  Going there alone stinks.  Even if some friend comes with, it just is not the same as your mate.

[Margm]

I am rarely sick but I needed to leave today and could not.  I guess I got dehydrated and drank too much Propel.  I was afraid to get on the road.  First flare-up of colon problems since 2014.  Just have to be more careful.  I have no organization in my mind without Billy, like he was my engine that moved me.  Guess he was.  Gotta find it in myself to get this done.  Had one woman come out to help but had been warned about her and they were right.  Will find the help.  I have taken things off, gathered things for the thrift store and I keep having to run back to Louisiana that stops me in my tracks.  Cannot do like I did today.  

Papers at the lawyers.  I imagine by Wednesday the people who want to buy it will be ready to move me out.  They have seen it at its worse and still want it.  Our anniversary is Sunday, and I guess after 55 years I just don't have any heart left, but still have to keep on moving.  Maybe this will be last trip and then final one.  I guess even an old automobile without an engine, if you push it down the hill it will roll.