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Trouble finding my way nearly 6 years later


melina

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It's been a long time since I've been here on this site. I received a lot of help when I was newly widowed 5 1/2 years ago, and actually for the first two or three years, and am very thankful for that. I gradually stepped back though because I wanted to try to focus on something other than grief, and thought that maybe reading about it too much was dragging me down instead of moving me forward.

I figure that people reading posts on "Living with Loss" will have been widowed for a few years, but for those of you who are new here, I lost my husband to cancer in August 2010, and have tried to build a new life for myself - a new normal, as they say - in the years since then, though it's been a real roller coaster ride, and not the fun kind. Things have been going okay, but lately I've been struggling and feeling stuck. Part of that, I'm sure, is due to the fact that I'm very isolated. I work a lot - probably too much, and most likely as a way to fill up my life - and I don't really have a social network. My four adult sons are living in other parts of the world, and I travel to see them as much as possible, especially now that I have two grandsons. But I have no one nearby to spend time with. My friends are all still married, apart from one who's divorced and dating, and I no longer feel I can connect with them. Being social wears me out, but it's possible I just don't have friends I can feel comfortable with. I guess my entire focus has changed. I get tired of hearing about their daily lives, and they don't understand why I don't share the same interests.

My husband's death was pretty traumatic for both me and our sons. They're coping fairly well. They're young and are starting families of their own. I thought I was coping well too, but now I'm not so sure. I think about my husband, his illness and his death several times a day. All kinds of things trigger memories - usually traumatic ones or guilt-laden ones. I'm okay at work, but tend to cry while I'm driving home. Life seems empty. I wonder sometimes if this is what's called "complicated grief". I was thinking of going back to my grief counselor, but who sees a grief counselor after 5 or 6 years?

I should feel happy - now that I have grandsons I love, and my kids doing fine. And I do feel happy about that. But I can't seem to find my place. I feel like an alien who can't get home and who's been wandering around on this planet trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I should move back to my native United States (have been in Europe for 30 years), but that's quite a process, it's expensive to move across the world, and there's health insurance to consider, so I'd have to find a job. I'm four years away from early retirement over here. But that's four more years of this isolation. And besides, I should be building up a life of my own, and not be dependent on my children to fill my life, even if I do move over.

Sorry for unloading here, but I couldn't think of where to go to talk about this. There's just no one who wants to listen. I would love to hear how other people are coping years after their loss. Maybe it will help me gain some perspective. Thanks for listening...

Melina

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Hi Melina,

It's been nearly 11 years for me, it doesn't seem possible.  It seems to me it hasn't changed much since three years out.  I'm retired now, I do volunteer work, two days at the Senior Site and one day as Treasurer for my church.  My best friend moved away (remarried) and a couple of others went in other directions.  I don't have a problem filling my days but I do get lonely sometimes.  Sometimes I can relate to how my mom must have felt, she was a widow for 32 years.  I have a dog and two cats, the dog helps keep me busy walking him twice a day.

I think there's a certain amount of grief we just live with, it's like we coexist with it.  The missing them goes on and on, but I have gotten more used to it.  Life is nothing like it was "before".

I have a granddaughter now but only get to see her about once a month.

You mentioned health insurance but you'd be able to get Obamacare if you moved here.  I don't know how old you are but when you turn 65 there'd be Medicare too.

It's good to hear from you!  Marty's electricity and internet is down and she can't get anyone out until at least Monday or she'd probably respond.  A lot of the ones that were here when you were don't show up here very often.  Harry is still doing the Walking With Jane.  

We had someone that sought a grief counselor 20 years later, so don't feel odd about five years out!  You see one if you feel the need, time has no limit on grief.

 

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Thanks Kaye,

It was good to hear fro your too! Congratulations on your granddaughter!

I do still have a dog that keeps me company, but she's getting old and can't walk as far or fast any longer, plus her eyesight is failing. I wonder how it will be when she passes. It would be nice to have a human to talk to - I mean have a really good conversation with, and not just chatter at each other with small talk. People exhaust me these days. But silence of living alone can be deafening.

It's good to know I can get healthcare in the states, but I'm unsure of how much it costs if you have to pay for it all yourself. I'm 57 now, turning 58 in a couple of months. I'd have to work until I'm 62 over here to get early retirement - with a lot less money per month than if I'd continued until I'm 67. I don't even want to wait until 62 though. So if I were to move over before 62, I'd definitely have to work, and if I move over between 62 and 67, I would need some extra income. Maybe work part-time.

Thanks for your reply. It helps just to connect with someone who understands - even online.

 

 

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Hi Melina,

I remember reading some of your posts when I was in early grief and found them helpful just knowing others were struggling with the loss of a spouse. I understand what you mean when you talk about the loneliness. I dislike chatter and long for good discussions. It is very hard to sit in silence for so many hours and when you don’t have a job to go to it seems even harder. Filling our days with “things to do” doesn’t ease the loneliness. I am retired and do mingle with others but everything seems so artificial. I will be widowed now for four years in May. Something I still can’t wrap my mind around.

I am glad you have a dog. I have thought of getting another rescue dog but my heart is not ready yet since I lost my sweet Benji awhile back. What breed of dog do you have? My Benji was a Schipperke/Poodle. I rescued him after my Jim died and lost him a year later to seizures and heart problems. It was another loss and left me lonely all over again.

You are still young and I believe that we will go through our lives always missing the one person who made us feel validated and not lonely. Funny, I remember how we could be in one another’s presence and not say a word yet not feel lonely. I don’t know if it is something we ever get adjusted to.

The forum does help and I am so grateful to have this place to come to. Most people around us do not want to hear about our loss, not even our children. I suppose that is how it is. I love my daughter and SIL and grandchildren but I do not live in the same state as they do. It is my choice for we retired in another state and they have their lives to live. Visits are nice but I could not live with them. I think if I lived next door to them I would still be lonely. 

I believe that it is always okay to talk with a good grief counselor or someone who understands at any time ~ we have learned that there is no time limit on grief. Sending hugs across the ocean. 

Anne

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Hi Anne,

Glad to hear from you as well. I know what you mean about social interactions feeling artificial. And though it's been 5 1/2 years, some days it seems like I just lost him - that it just happened. I've realized though that I've changed a lot in that time. I don't recognize myself from 5 years ago. I'm a different person now.

My dog is an Icelandic Sheepdog, and she's easy to deal with, except she has a lot of separation anxiety. I have a wonderful retired couple who watch her for me during the day when I'm at work, and who also take her when I fly over to see my kids, but it's tricky sometimes, because I can't just pick and up leave whenever I want. Still, she is a good companion and gets me out walking every day.

I agree that even if I lived near my kids, I'd still feel lonely, but maybe a little less so. I would have to be very careful not to involve myself too much, and to remain independent - create my own life. But I miss having my best friend to talk things over with, and sometimes I just wish so badly I could have five minutes just to talk with him. Just five minutes, but that's not going to happen.

Thanks for the reply, and the hugs!

Melina

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Melina,

It goes by your income and you choose what the healthcare is like.  If you come over without a job you should qualify for Medicaid, which covers everything at no cost.  Once you start working you'd probably have to pick something else and they'd let you know how much it'd cost you.  I pay $106/month for a health plan that is "silver" and the gov't kicks in the rest (value $700).  They have bronze, silver, gold, platinum plans and cost accordingly, also different carriers to choose from.  I think there's an obamacare calculator on line to figure out what part the gov't would contribute.  They settle up with you when you file your taxes, so let's say you get a cost of living raise halfway through the year, whatever difference that would have made you pay back when you file your taxes (it cost me $48 for a small cost of living raise). 

I still talk to George, it's a good thing I live in the country, if I lived in the city someone might notice and haul me away!  LOL

 

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I still talk to Kathy too Kay and I live in the city so I do it in my car or at home. I'm often at work by 4 am so I have time to talk to her then before anyone shows up. Mostly they are one way conversations but since I'm not sure she can hear my thoughts, I try to voice them out loud.

It's good to see your words again Melina. Although you are six months further down the road than I  think we can relate pretty well on the time scale. I truly believe that grief has no end, It's a journey and an adventure. We adapt but the pain and sorrow can never truly be gone. It comes back to visit and perhaps each time it does we are just a little stronger. If I were to look back to Feb of 2011, I would say I am no way like I was then. Do I smile now? You bet, but I still break down when no one is around. It happened just last Saturday and I just thought.............so what?  It has happened like that for all this time so maybe I'm used to it. The point is I have accepted it for what it is. This is my grief. This is what it's like for me.  I have been to grief counselors a few times over the years just because I like to check on my sanity. Now that I have determined I am certifiable, all the pressures off.

Seriously, I have sought out things to give me purpose. I live my life as if Kathy was still in it because frankly, she is. I have learned to eat out by myself, travel alone, and even got into baking. I make decisions with her in my mind and heart. I just ordered a new kitchen runner to replace the one she had in it before. I found it in one of the many magazines that come still addressed to her. And it's so cute with roosters cause that's a theme around here. She would just love it. So this is what I do. This is how I am surviving with a little joy amid the sorrow. I love to write and was invited to be part of a book called Grief's Diaries, Loss of a Spouse. I want to write more and get better at it just in case I can help other men like myself who prefer not to enter into another relationship but survive in the one they already have. There actually are a few likeminded souls but I still have a lot to learn.

So since you asked, this is how I am coping.

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Thanks for the information about the healthcare system, Kay - it was really helpful. I've been away so long I no longer know what things are like over there,      apart from what my eldest son tells me. I don't know if things are different from state to state. I'm originally from Washington, but my son and his family live in New Hampshire.

Thanks "Katpilot" for your reply too. We're almost on the same timeline. I guess you're right that we need to seek out things that give us purpose. I also enjoy writing and joined a writer's group several years ago, long before my husband died. Just recently I re-joined, but have found it difficult to contribute properly. Though contributing toward a grief compilation sounds like a good idea. I also smile now and then, but suddenly something will trigger a memory, and it's hard to keep it together. Anyway - I guess we just have to make our road by walking.

Thank you everyone for letting me know how you are coping. It really does help to know that I'm not alone.

 

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healthcare.gov phone number: 1-800-318-2596  Whatever you decide, I hope you get to be near some of your grandchildren, they're such a blessing!

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  • 1 year later...

Melina..I know exactly how you are feeling..I lost my husband in 2012..He had cancer and passed away 7 weeks from the day we found out..We celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary 15 days before he passed..Since he has been gone, I don't feel like I belong anywhere..I tell my children that and they say you do mom, you belong here..It is such an odd feeling..I have been with a man for awhile now, but it isn't a good relationship, but fear keeps me with him..Afraid of the unknown..I still cry over my husband,  A lot..I can't talk about him without crying..My mind goes to the day he passed and it was so horrible, I will never forget it, I cry..My mother was diagnosed with cancer 2 months before my husband..She passed away 2 years later..I took care of her, but sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't always have the patience I should of..I was very angry God was taking my family..I lost my dad in 1994 and my only sibling, my sister in 1996,I feel so alone, even though I have six grown children and many grandchildren..Life just doesn't feel normal..I know it is a new normal, but I don't like it..We are in this all together, but I just wanted to let you know there are others with the same feelings you are feeling..Take Care and stay strong..

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@cindycox

I am so sorry for all you have been through.  I just want to say the only reason to be with someone is if you feel you can't imagine living your life without them...that's how I felt about my George.  If the relationship isn't good, if he is emotionally or physically abusive, or you feel depressed being with him, please find the strength to get out.  Go to a woman's shelter or your kids, but get out.  I didn't plan on being alone in my old age, but at least I have peace in my household.  It's worth a lot.

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"Boundaries" is particularly good, I have that one.  It's all about learning to value yourself and giving us the tools to deal with these situations/people.

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