I lost my dad

[Clematis]

My dad died three months ago and I miss him terribly. I feel lost and alone most of the time and it’s hard to believe that I’ll ever get through this. I have two sisters and when we were growing up, my parents were both pretty awful. My mother was very narcissistic and my dad was like a silent satellite around her, while she pitted my sisters and I against each other. My sisters lived about an hour away from my parents, while I moved out west to get away from the craziness and was doing ok. I had good support and time to recover and sort things out between visits.

 

Eleven years ago my mother died-at 75- and I moved from Tucson to a small town, coincidentally the same year (away from my friends). I was astonished at the change in my father. He started really talking and I saw that without her he was a really nice guy. I wanted to have the chance to get to know him better and so I started trying to coax him to move out west. He really had to leave the split-level house where he had lived with my mother, due to Parkinson’s Disease, drinking, and falling on all those stairs. I had no competition from my sisters; I told him he would have a lot more fun in Arizona with me, and my sisters told him that if he moved near them he would still see very little of them and his five grandchildren. So he bought a condo very near mine, and both resolved to put the past behind us with a clean slate.

 

We became the best of friends over the next ten years, and I was proud to have family near me and be able to finally introduce my friends to my dad, who all said, “Oh I love your dad-he’s such a sweet man!” In the beginning he was slow but able to be rather active, and we did have tons of fun together, but he gradually declined in spite of all of our efforts. Since I had coaxed him away from his home I vowed to do absolutely anything I could for him as long as he lived, no matter how bad it got. He was adamant about living at home, and I backed him up. I gradually got him more services so he could stay there. I could get in my car and be at his house in a minute and a half, so I was able to see him a lot-usually at least once a day.

 

But now he is gone, and I feel flattened most of the time. I feel like I have lost my entire family because my sisters have become rather nasty to me. We were closer while my dad was alive, probably in some part because I would push him to send them money when they were having problems. But I think the person they lost is not the same father they lost. I am grief-stricken and they seem mystified as to why I am in such distress. I work, and they really don’t. I have this gargantuan task of combining my father’s and my possessions into one condo-and probably selling his, and I won’t really have much time until summer break when I’m not working. I have been chipping away at it when I can. They think I should hurry it up and get on with it faster because that would get them more money in the end, but there is a limit to how much I can push myself.

 

 

[kayc]

I'm so glad you had that time with your dad, but it makes it all so bittersweet because of it.

I'm sorry your sisters are acting up.  If they want things speeded up, they can come do it or help you.  Try not to worry unduly, they'll get over it...or not.  My mom had a lot of personality disorders and mental problems and my dad was a passive man, usually drunk but sweet, but he never protected us kids from her.  I wish I could have had the opportunity to have known him by himself, but alas he died when I was young and it was my mom that lived into her 90s.  She got Lewy Bodies Dementia, which is like a combination of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, so I understand about the falling alot.  

You'll get some time off this summer to work on cleaning out his place?  I wouldn't worry too much until then, then, maybe do what you can one day a week, but when you work full time, time is pretty limited.  I do hope things get better with your sisters, mine are godsends, but if parents pit kids against each other, it tends to affect their relationships.  Us kids turned to each other in our abusive growing up years so we banded together.

I'm glad you got some good time with your dad before he went.  My mom's dementia softened her the last year or two and that made it easier to forgive a whole lot, but then it made me miss her when she went too.  Also bittersweet.

[Clematis]

KayC, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response to my post. Yes, I'll have ten weeks off in the summer and I have found some people (not my sisters) who can help me. During the last years of my father's life I spent more and more time with him and was mostly running in and out of my own house - and sleeping there. Both of our houses came to resemble train wrecks, mine because I was taking care of him and his because he was too weak to take care of his house. He had also brought tons of stuff out west that he never even went through. At some point, I boxed him into getting a housekeeper and about half of his house became very livable (and the other part a big mess). My house is mostly a big mess. So I am living in his condo and am working on getting mine cleared out. He had nice things and nice furniture, and my furniture is nothing great, so I want to move back into my house and bring his things with me. Meanwhile, I feel closer to him in his house. But I really need to clean out both condos; the prospect is overwhelming,

My mother was in early dementia when she died-I think she had PICS; she would have been a nightmare had she been the one who lived longer. Taking care of my father was hard on me in some ways. I spent my time with him rather than developing a social network where I now live, cleaning my house, and a lot of other things. But I never regretted a second of it. I felt like it was like a fairytale ending for both of us to have such a good relationship at the end of his life. People who knew us would tell him he was a lucky man and he would get all choked up and say, "Oh, she's wonderful!" It was wonderful for me to have such a supporter and friend. But now he's gone, and feel like I'm not sure who I even am. I feel like I've lost what gave me my strength. I really do feel lost and floundering. I'm tired all the time, and I used to seldom feel tired no matter what I did. But I think truthfully I was exhausted by the time he died and then the hard stuff really started. 

Good thing I have Lena, my cat! She is really amazing. She and I visit a retirement home, and now also a SNF where hospice sent him for five days respite (for me). Daddy always used to say to Lena when we'd leave his house after dinner, "Take care of my girl", and she has. She takes care of me and all those other people. I've kept up my volunteer work with Lena during all of this, because I think those people would really miss her if I napped on Sunday afternoons instead...

[kayc]

When you are a caregiver and that person dies, it leaves you feeling like you've lost your identity because so much of you was wrapped up in taking care of them.  You feel like you lose your sense of purpose.  I know I felt like that when my MIL died, I'd taken care of her for nearly three years when she was bedridden with cancer.  It takes a while to rebuild your identity and purpose after that.

I'm glad you got that time with your dad, and I'm glad you have Lena.

[Johann2]

Sorry to hear that your Dad died, I can relate. Mine died a month and a half ago and I feel like I'm living in a fog most of the time. We also have the same parental dynamic, with a narcissistic mother and passive father. It was very evident while Dad was in the hospital and Mom would tell all the doctors who came in about her own medical challenges.

I also moved out West to get away from that family dynamic. The biggest challenge now is the isolation while grieving. Without any family here, it's hard to feel connected to a group that understands, though friends try to. Facing the pain alone is fearful and hard. Counselors are helpful, but that's just an hour every week or two, what about the days alone?

Trying to structure things with time to reflect and other times to get out and do active things. If you have other ideas, please share . . .

[Clematis]

I wish I did have some ideas. I really do feel lost. This morning I awoke from a dream that he came back and I was so glad I was still here and everything was still the same for him at his house. I started sleeping in the daybed in his second bedroom and haven't left. When my mother died 11 years ago, he used to say that he couldn't understand how it could be that she was gone and he was still here. He would say that he couldn't stay among the living with no purpose and that was gone. He said he needed to find a new purpose in loving. One day he said he had found his new purpose and it was me-his new purpose in living would be to be there for me. Over the years, without my realizing it I think my purpose became being there for him and keeping him alive and happy.

So, here I am and he is gone. And where is my strength and purpose? I have no idea. On days I have to go to work I just go do it, but on other days it's hard to get out of bed and make myself do anything. Lena, my cat, helps. She keeps telling me that if I would just feed the cat everything would be better. She makes me remember that I have to brush her more since it's spring and she's losing her winter coat. I can do that-take care of Lena, but it's so hard to do anything that's not right in my face making me do it.

I think it is a lot harder being alone. I was at orchestra rehearsal last night (I play cello) and a bass player friend told me I should do four things every day that were to make me feel good. I really can't think of any, other than spending time with Lena. It's too bad this friend and I can't find a way to be there for each other, but she lives an hour away, is really busy, and her situation is that her life partner is going downhill with Alzheimer's.

I think exercise is helpful and is known to be as powerful as an antidepressant. In the beginning I continued to go to my water aerobics class that I used to love, but when my aunt died a week after my dad's memorial service, I stopped going. A friend from Tucson told me I should be going out on the trails in Sedona, because it is so beautiful here, but I don't seem to be able to do it. 

How are you managing to get through your days? 

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel much the same way. My mom died from breast cancer four months ago. She was 59 and my very favorite person in the world. My siblings and I are closer than you are with your sisters, but it's hitting me sooooo hard. My brothers aren't always super chatty about their feelings, but I don't think they're having as much of an issue as I am. My little sister is only 17. Losing your mom in high school is a whole other thing, so I feel like we can't really relate on our levels of grief. It's difficult to reconcile what we're both going through. Losing a parent in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50+... it always sucks but there are different challenges that go along with losing them at different ages.

Just letting you know that I feel as lost as you do. You're not alone. <3

[Johann2]

A&L, I understand the sense of isolation. I work from home, so I've surrounded myself with living things: fish, bearded dragon, bird feeders right outside my window and have a cat as well. I try to get out everyday and do something active, tennis, golf, walk along the river, however, it takes serious effort to make myself do it. Sometimes, I just nap, then stare at the ceiling for hours. Was thinking that quiet time, interspersed with activity was the way to go. However, I only seem to make realizations after talking with someone who is supportive . . .

[iPraiseHim]

18 hours ago, AloneAndLost said:

Good thing I have Lena, my cat! She is really amazing. She and I visit a retirement home, and now also a SNF where hospice sent him for five days respite (for me). Daddy always used to say to Lena when we'd leave his house after dinner, "Take care of my girl", and she has. She takes care of me and all those other people. I've kept up my volunteer work with Lena during all of this, because I think those people would really miss her if I napped on Sunday afternoons instead...

I am sorry and touched by your loss. I took care of my wife the last six years before she died and I lost some of my identity in the process.  I was so focused in taking care of her that when she passed, I lost my job and part of my identity.  I am slowly learning to be the caregiver of myself.  It is not selfish but rather is needed to work through your grief journey.  Try to get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water, and deal with the feelings that come up.  Crying is actually very therapeutic and beneficial in relieving stress from grief.  Be easy on yourself as you were with your father.  This group is a great place to share, be yourself, read and share about your Dad as you are ready and able. Shalom - George

[Clematis]

Thank you, George, and Shalom to you too! I was totally not expecting that losing my role as caregiver would have any impact on my identity or how I saw my purpose and function in life. Looking back on it, I wonder how I could possibly have had so little insight because almost everyone I knew would greet me, "Hi! How's your dad?"  I knew I would miss him, but I had no idea how much I would miss him or the multi-facetedness of the loss. Not only did I care for him in the end, I really identified with him throughout my life. He was my hero and the person I drew inspiration and strength from, without even realizing it. This last, in the end was probably mutual-the drawing strength and inspiration. I have lost a huge piece of myself . I feel exhausted and flattened much of the time and I was not expecting that. I actually thought that I would have more time and energy-not less. Grief is exhausting, and I'm not even sure why. I guess it's because there is always a huge undercurrent of emotion and thoughts running beneath everything one is doing...

[iPraiseHim]

I have come to learn that those who love deeply will also grieve deeply.  Grief is the other part of love we are given to learn how to face, cope with, and eventually accept as a part of our life.  We don't get over it.  By working through our grief, we learn moment by moment how to live with both the love and loss.  It takes a lot of energy.  Most of the world doesn't understand this.  I didn't understand at this level.  I still feel like I'm operating at a half-life scale.  I function,,, barely.  However I am also discovering as horrible as my wife's sudden death was,  I can remember much more of the good times and memories we shared every day.  It takes time.  It is interesting to read the initial post of members of this forum as they have gone through this grief journey.

The Serenity Prayer is the common name for a prayer authored by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr^[1][2] (1892–1971). The best-known form is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Shalom, George

[kayc]

That was my MIL's favorite prayer, she lived by it.

I've also learned that we coexist with our grief, it becomes a part of us so that we are never the same, but in so doing we carry the person with us that we love and miss.  Losing my husband was by far the hardest loss that I've endured, and I've been through many.  It affected me on every aspect of my life and nearly 11 years later, I miss him each and every day.

[kayc]

I was going to talk to you about your dad having Leukemia (my mom had it) but then I found where you said it was someone you knew (not your dad).  I had a hard time finding your post about it, I haven't seen you here in a while.

[Clematis]

Here it is, Kay...This was our community orchestra's program cover for the year, which we completed at a concert last night. Last summer I was in Hawaii and met a biologist who researches insect evolution. He told me that he was currently researching how Luna moths evolved so that they can twirl their long tails as they fly. This motion confuses the bat and so the bat goes for the tail, rather than the head or vital organs. In the painting you can see that the tails are moving around and not sitting rigid. The moonflower is one of the luna moth's "host" flowers. Also in the painting is my favorite cello, Mr Cello, and his "girlfriend" Hildy the bass behind him. I wonder where Hildy is now because her owner/player Tim suddenly died at the age of 46 in November. Anyway, Lena is in the center; she represents the audience and you can see that the music coming off the strings is getting to her ears...

[kayc]

Very beautiful and well thought out!  I'm sure your dad was delighted to hear your tribute and see your artwork.

[Clematis]

Thank you! My dad did enjoy my art and he liked hearing about it. He had been well trained by my mother, who was not only an artist and did her own painting, but also led him on a tour through some of the best museums in Europe. He was a foreign patent attorney and traveled a lot-but the company only paid his airfare. They were both thrilled when they got to a point where he could take her with him on some of his trips. So he became comfortable with viewing and talking about art. He was also always interested in what I was thinking or why it was important to me, which was nice.

It's good to be painting again...I was afraid I was so paralyzed that I wouldn't be able to do it, and if I stopped for too long I would totally "lose my chops". These are from last weekend and simple small paintings, but I don't think I've forgotten everything...

 

[Clematis]

Lena and I just got back from her job as a therapy cat. She has been going to an assisted living facility for 2-1/2 years and she seems to love it as much as the residents do. About six weeks ago, we added on another location-the skilled nursing facility where my dad spent 5 days between Christmas and New Years. This was a 5-day respite for me, provided by hospice. Lena and I both visited -like every day at least once- when my dad was there, and a number of residents there were so thrilled to see a visiting cat-we would tour around a bit and the residents were so happy to see a cat there! I didn't go back immediately, but I guess at four months it's still rather soon. The residents are always thrilled to see Lena, but it makes me sad, and Lena always sticks her head in the door of the room where my dad was. The guy who is in there is not a cat-lover and so we don't go in, but she always checks...

[kayc]

Most of them love seeing animals.  My mom thought it a real treat when I brought Arlie to see her (I didn't bring him inside, instead took her out to the truck to see him.  That was before she was in a wheelchair.

Mary (mfh) had a therapy dog, Bentley, he just passed away.  A beautiful Golden Retriever.  You can tell how gentle he is.  My dog has a wild eyed look and combined with separation anxiety, wouldn't be a good candidate for a therapy dog.

[Clematis]

I saw that about Bentley- very sad. He looks beautiful and sounds like he was a wonderful dog.  Yeah, an animal has to have a certain disposition to be a therapy animal. It's hard to understand, especially in a cat, but they have to want to help people. Lena somehow figured out right away what she was supposed to do, and she gravitates toward people who need her the most. She has no time for anger, but if someone is sad or suffering, she is right there. I have no idea how she does it-it's like she is a pure radio-wave detector for emotion. You can fake emotions and fool a person but not a cat or a dog! 

Lena also does tricks, which entertains people. But her best crowd pleaser is when I take her off someone's bed or lap or whatever, she looks at me like "Just who are you and what do you think you're doing?", and cries pathetically at being taken away from this person, as if it were breaking her little heart. I even feel badly, but it's part of the gig-whoever is there who wants to visit with the cat gets to. At the assisted living place there is a long sofa so that she can recline in the middle on her special plush cushion with a person on each side of her so two people can pet the cat at once. It's very sweet.

[kayc]

I used to have a black cat named Midnight...we sometimes called him Slothnight because he was so lazy.  He was supposed to be the family's cat, along with his sister, Autumn, but he ended up being my daughter's cat, they just took to each other.  She's very much a cat-person, always has been.

[Clematis]

So, today I had an entire day where I never felt like I was in free fall, had just had my last breath sucked out of me, or felt unbearably sad. It was a pretty good day... I did have about an hour when I was convinced that probably all of the kids I see can't stand me and have told their parents and teachers and so they probably won't have me out there next year and therefore I'm likely to starve because I'll then never get another job and so I'll lose my house and starve and never make it to retirement. But I'm not sure if that is because of grief or if it's just normal end-of-the-school-year paranoia...

[MartyT]

My goodness, Laura ~ you certainly do know how to do a number on yourself! I'm not sure what's behind this thinking, but it sounds as if it is not unusual for you, especially as the school year comes to an end ~ and of course where you are in your grief at the death of your father certainly doesn't help matters.

I've just read an article on Self Talk by Annette Childs that you may find helpful:

If there is a ‘smoking gun’ that I come across time and time again in the confidential hallows of my psychotherapy practice – it would be the lethal weapon known as ‘Self Talk.’. For simplicity, lets just call it ST.

 We all partake in ST and I will be the first to admit it is a nasty habit. What we often fail to recognize is that ST is absolutely full of nonsense. Yes, I know the bugger is convincing as heck, and smooth as silk with the delivery- but 99.9% of the time ST is absolute unadulterated hogwash. Read on here: Self Talk

[kayc]

Laura,

Do you suffer from anxiety?  I just wondered because I do, and my thoughts can get that way...not so much worrying what others think of me (I don't) but about things that can go wrong...usually in the middle of the night, which keeps me from sleeping.

I'm sure all of the kids love you!

[Clematis]

Kay, I wouldn't say that I suffer from anxiety, but thanks for asking! I certainly can worry-especially if I think I've screwed something up. This is a nerve-wracking time of the year, because my work is on a year-to-year contract, and if a school says they don't want me to come back, I am done there. End of story. And my safety net (Dad) is now gone. It's a little worrisome.

I say that I don't suffer from it because by the time I am imagining starving and trying to live under a bridge under my upside down canoe with my cello and trying to keep Lena from wandering off, I realize that it's all rather ridiculous and stop myself. If I really can't stop the self-talk, I'll run my (possibly irrational) thought by a rational friend (not the one who worries way more than I do), asking them-does this make any sense? Generally they either say "Nope!", or they'll tell me that it all sounds pretty crazy except for one part, which they'll point out that I should take care of). I've gotten pretty good at listening to feedback if I ask for it because I'm too caught up in it to untangle myself. 

You're right, Martyy-I'm more worried because of having lost my father and being kind of fragile from grief. I do art therapy as a part of what I do as a school counselor on the reservation, in some part because they have NO art teacher out there, which I think is terrible, but I struggle to find the balance between giving enough information to aid but not control what they are doing. If you don't know how to use a tool you probably won't get what you want. There was a little girl that I was working with, and I wanted to show her how to do a wet-into-wet wash. It can be really good for expressing feelings and it's kind of magical. But when she saw the paint running all over in a swirling mist of color, she felt like it was totally out of control, crawled under the table and started crying. I felt terrible, even though I have known this girl for two years and I know that's what she does if things don't seem like what she wants. Then she seemed ok, but then the next time I saw her she wouldn't even look at me, and I panicked. (Oh no, she thinks I'm horrible and my days here are numbered).

So I went and picked her up first thing this morning. She was a little apprehensive, but came with me. I apologized for upsetting her and explained myself. You wouldn't play basketball with a football or play football with a basketball, right? She laughed and I told her this was the same thing. If you want to have a painting that has those translucent washes, you use watercolor and have to tolerate watching the paint run all over without controlling it. It's the beauty and drama of watercolor. If you hate that and want to control everything and have the paint look solid and opaque, you use tempera paint (or acrylic or oil). I told her my mother was about scared to death of watercolor and did oils. I have brought watercolor and tempera out there and she can use either one, but if she doesn't try them both she can't make an informed choice. It's like trying new foods. I want her to be able to stand on her own two feet, know what she wants, advocate for herself,  feel good about it, and hopefully get what she wants too! Then I asked her, "So, do you want to paint today? Do you want to use watercolor or tempera paint?" She stood up, looked my in the eye, and said, "Tempera paint!" And so she did!

I worry sometimes that the staff will think I'm out there goofing off because I have some kid out flying a kite-and talking away as he does it-but he won't talk in the counseling room, or because I have a bunch of kids playing the ukulele in a ukulele band (they have no music teacher out there either-just me), or I have these kids painting or doing origami or lanyard crafts. Kids won't come in and spill their guts like an adult might-its tricky to get them to talk about what's going on. But I think I probably worry too much. 

Two years ago my school hosted an invitational art show for all of the K-8 schools on the reservation (I think there are eight schools) and most of the art (as well as most of the awards) were from one school. I was asking the teachers what was up with that and they said rather bitterly, "Yeah, that school has an art teacher!" So this year we hosted the art show again in the early fall, and I had the kids I see for counseling painting away right at the start. I also brought out a pile of scraps of matt board so they could mount them and make them look great. One of my kids won the painting award, and another one of my kids got the Best-of-Show award-both for watercolors. Our kids also won the photography and handwork category awards, judged by artists from all over the reservation. I think the school was very proud-and it was so interesting- they took these kids' art pieces with the ribbons on them, and put them in the sports trophy case! Just shoved aside enough sports trophies to display the art right in the middle and left it up there all year. It was pretty cool...

 

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marty-I read the Self Talk article-it was good! I know of a technique whereby you take some piece of self-talk and try to figure out how rational it is by putting the thought "on trial" and presenting evidence for and against the thought as being valid. Generally you figure out that it's a crazy thought before you get too far along this path...