I lost my dad

[MartyT]

Laura, my dear, from what you've described, you sound like an outstanding teacher to me ~ and I'll bet money that the staff at your school recognize what an asset you are to their program.

[kayc]

IDK, have you talked to a doctor about it?  It sounds just like the anxiety I have going in the middle of the night sometimes.  He put me on medicine for it.  It's going way overboard worrying, real or imagined.

My little sister works for the school system and she has the same concerns with renewal every year.  I think she'd be better off with a different job than with all she has to put up with, but she likes her summers off.  She only has four more years to go and she can quit her job (her house will be paid off then and she can live on her husband's salary).  

I'll have to read Marty's self talk article, not sure if I have before or not...

[kayc]

The problem with the idea of talking it out in front of someone is mine occurs in the middle of the night and no one is around.  I don't know anyone that wants me to call them at 2:00 a.m.

[Clematis]

I miss my dad..I miss sharing things with him, like this video about how pets are family members. Lena and I are near the end, in a selfie I took lying on the sidewalk.

https://youtu.be/3LyENb6Jd2U

 

[MartyT]

So you and Lena are at the 1:33 mark, am I right Laura? Very cute photo of you two! (And nice video!) I'm sorry you can't share it with your dad ~ My dad's been gone for many years, and I still feel that way about sharing things with him. I'd like to believe that our dads are closer to us now than they ever were in this earthly realm, still watching over us, and very well aware of whatever we want to share with them ♥   

[Clematis]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

the 1:33 mark

What is that?

[Clematis]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

The problem with the idea of talking it out in front of someone is mine occurs in the middle of the night and no one is around.  I don't know anyone that wants me to call them at 2:00 a.m.

That sounds terrible-having that in the middle of the night. I sleep pretty well once I relax enough to go to sleep, and Lena usually does a pretty good job of getting me to sleep. The purring and oxytocin ("cuddle hormone") from snuggling with the cat work very well. I bribe her with cat treats and she jumps right in the bed the second I turn off the lights. She also makes sure I don't over sleep-you know turn off the alarm and go back to sleep (more bribing with cat treats). She knows that sleeping humans don't hand out treats so she makes sure I really wake up. 

[Clematis]

15 hours ago, MartyT said:

Laura, my dear, from what you've described, you sound like an outstanding teacher to me ~ and I'll bet money that the staff at your school recognize what an asset you are to their program.

Thank you-that is very nice. I work out there as a school counselor two days a week (and at some other schools as a school psychologist (doing psychoeducational evaluations) at some other schools (two credentials). It's a nice balance to get to do both. I have also used my LCSW to work in home health care, an agency, probation, and a state prison. Doing the work I am doing now, as a contractor is good with the summers off, but since I am not staff, I am an outsider, which is a double-edged sword. I think most of the time it's good to not be involved with the office politics and whatnot, because I can't worry about it if I don't know about it. On the other hand sometimes I am aware that something is going on but I don't know what it is. I just try to do the best job I can and be nice to everybody, even if I have no clue who they are or what they do at the school.

Marty, I like what you said about our dads being closer to us now than before...I often feel like that. It's odd, but we have these conversations back and forth in some spiritual realm. I can hear him talking to me, and he hears me--better than he could hear me when he was alive because he was getting a hearing problem. I treasured those ten years all the more because he was so unconditionally supportive of me, and when I was younger I never got any of that. But when he lived out here in AZ and it was just the two of us, he would say in response to something I'd said, "Well I think you're just wonderful!" It was such a treasure to have someone who was so proud of me..

[Clematis]

I have been listening to Diane Rehms' book On My Own, in the car, and it has sure been an eye-opener. I've learned a lot about Parkinson's Disease, and I realize that he was probably in worse shape all along then I had any idea. I think people thought we were both out of our minds with him living at home-and driving almost until the very end. We were lucky on the driving that nothing bad happened, but I don't know. He really really wanted to stay at home and I wanted him where he was. I could get in my car and be at his house in 1-1/2 minutes. Any of the facilities were about a half hour or more away. I think he hid from me a lot of the struggles he was having...to protect me? from pride? from fear that I'd change my mind about where he should live? People used to tell me that he really ought to be in assisted living like they were trying to sell me on it, and I'd respond that he was a competent adult and that wasn't my decision to make, but his. From doing Home Health Care, I always heard that people do better in their own homes, and that made sense to me. Even though he had moved from PA to AZ and was in a small condo, he was surrounded by his own stuff and it was his own space where he could do what he wanted. If he wanted to slope all day, he did sol I guess I was doing for him what I would want for myself.

But it's weird sometimes being here in his house around his stuff trying to figure out what it all meant, what he was really doing and not able to even fake doing. People kept telling me that I was in denial and "couldn't see it". Maybe they were right. But I really believe that he was doing the best he could. The last year of his life, he was never able to come up to my house. Once I was coming down to his, that was it. He stayed at home, I went to work, called him all throughout the day, and when I was done with work, I'd run by my house and get Lena, and there we would come prancing in his front door on her leash and harness. Lena was always so happy to see him. The second I stopped the car she would be standing on my lap, paws on the car window, meowing her head off while I put the car in gear, took off my seatbelt, got the keys out of the ignition, and opened the door. She was so impatient! And then she would run to his door, dragging me behind her on the leash. Oh, those little rituals of daily life that we once had and what is left is so different. Daddy plays with the cat sometimes; I don't know he's doing, but I know its him because she is not doing her usual laps up and down the house, but zigzagging all over. Sometimes I tell him (out loud), Daddy, stop teasing the cat!" And the action stops immediately.When he was alive he would sometimes tease Lena and I'd tell him to stop, and he would-on a dime. But they really loved each other...I wonder if she misses him. On the other hand, I think she is aware of his spiritual presence in the house. Maybe she sees him and is just wondering why he doesn't give her cat treats any more...

 

[MartyT]

8 hours ago, Clematis said:

What is that?

There's a time indicator at the base of the video, next to the Start / Stop button, and I think your photo appears at the one-minute-33-second mark.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marty-you are right-that is us! The same woman who made these videos makes videos all year about pet holidays. There are two that are entirely about Lena asa therapy cat. They are particularly special now because they also show my dad. You know, when you work with clients, everything is confidential and you can't post their photos online or tell their stories or any of that. But I didn't have to worry about that with my dad-he didn't mind, and so he is in these videos. Also, I used to talk about him a lot when I did home health care as a social worker, telling the people that I visited and their families stories about my dad that I thought they could  relate to-and so they'd feel more comfortable with me being in their homes because they knew I knew what they were going through. So anyway, I'd love to share the videos here, but they both have a photo of my PetPartners I.D. that has my full name. I don't think it's a problem with that; after all, they've been sitting on YouTube for a year... But I remember seeing something about not using one's whole real name. Is that just as the screen name? I'll send them to you in a PM and you can tell me if you think it's ok to share them here.

[MartyT]

I suggest that our members use a pseudonym in order to preserve their anonymity and to protect their privacy, Laura. If that is not an issue for you, then certainly you are free to post links to your videos here.

(I just watched both videos ~ It's so nice to hear your lovely voice and to see your pretty face! And of course, Lena is beautiful! These videos are wonderful tools for educating the public about Animal Assisted Therapy! Thank you for sharing, Laura!)

[kayc]

Laura,

My mom had Lewy Bodies Dementia, which includes Parkinson's symptoms as well as similar to Alzheimer's.  It's a horrid syndrome, a hard way to go.  She had the falling and bruising, sometimes she looked like she was beat up from head to toe...that's why they had to take her walker away and confine her to wheelchair only.   I think that's when she gave up on life.  She lived ten months longer, and it was hard watching her continue when I know she wanted to go.

[kayc]

I remember seeing your name, but I've already forgotten it, short memory, LOL!

[Clematis]

To my friends here on the forums, I would like to share these short videos with you about Lena, my therapy cat. They show us visiting in several locations, and you can see my dad, petting Lena. The other people have their faces cropped out for confidentiality reasons, but you can see my swell old dad with his grandkitty. I just wanted to share these with you because you can see my dad and Lena (also me). The videos are complied by a woman in Sedona who makes videos about pet holidays throughout the year-you wouldn't believe how many there are. Anyway, here's to you, Dad! 

https://youtu.be/WEf7SiZSZFc 

https://youtu.be/VZa6-k1A-nI

 

 

[Clematis]

48 minutes ago, kayc said:

Laura,

My mom had Lewy Bodies Dementia, which includes Parkinson's symptoms as well as similar to Alzheimer's.  It's a horrid syndrome, a hard way to go.  She had the falling and bruising, sometimes she looked like she was beat up from head to toe...that's why they had to take her walker away and confine her to wheelchair only.   I think that's when she gave up on life.  She lived ten months longer, and it was hard watching her continue when I know she wanted to go.

Lewy Bodies seems dreadful, and it does seem similar, especially at the end of the Parkinson's road when there is also a lot of falling. I'm sorry you went through that; it sounds awful. I think the people working with my dad would have preferred that he go everywhere in his wheelchair. I carefully picked it out because it was a beautiful blue plaid and was a transfer chair that I could fold up and toss into the backseat of my car. I didn't realize that it was actually too small for him until someone pointed this out to me. But he hated black stuff, so I got him a lovely blue chair instead. Anyway, if I was taking him to an appointment, I'd ask him how he wanted to get from his bed to the car-cane, his purple walker, or the wheelchair. I figured he knew how strong he was feeling better than I and it was better for him to make his own decisions whenever possible.

I think my dad got to a point where he didn't want to go on-and he just didn't. I tried talking about this to him, because I was getting this feeling from him that he didn't want to go on once he could not feed, toilet, transfer, dress, groom, or bathe himself, and it was clear to everyone-even to him and to me-that he could not live at home. He was at a terrific rehab hospital and was supposedly getting stronger so that he could get back some strength to continue living at home, but I think he was ambivalent. He wouldn't say any more than that he didn't care if he lived or died. I wanted to say goodbye to him if that was the case, but he wouldn't do it. That was on his last evening, and he was already half over the line into the next world I think, saying that his dad was in the room and telling my sister in a voice mail message I got him to make that "we" were going on a journey. We were so close I think that in some part he thought I was going with him.

He accepted a small meal that I spoon fed him, sitting in a wheelchair, and I left to go home. When they went in to help him into bed he was non responsive-and stayed like that. He never spoke again to anyone after I left and he just went downhill. They took him to the associated E.R. because his O2 was a 68. They called me, and then the E.R. staff said they had stabilized his vitals and put him on a regular floor. They didn't tell me he was non responsive until the next morning, when they called to tell me he was gone. This hospital is 1-1/2 hours over a winding mountain road, and I didn't go back after they told me they had taken him to the E.R., because I wasn't sure if I was alert enough to drive that road at night, and they told me he was stable. I have wondered about this quite a bit-would he have responded and "come back" to alertness if I was there Or would I just have been risking my life trying to be there for something he wished me to avoid? No way to know for sure. But it really does seem like he waited until I had gone and gradually "checked out". He stopped breathing and his heart stopped in the middle of the night, and I think that really was what he wanted, whether I wanted it or not. He always said that he wanted to die in bed in his sleep of old age. I think he figured he was there. I wasn't ready to lose him, but I would never have been ready...

[MartyT]

I don't know if you've read this, Laura, but if not, you may find it of interest:  In Grief: Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt”

[kayc]

You did amazing with him, Laura, and deserve kudos for all you did.  They required two people transfer my mom, even when she was 60 lbs. so I was no longer able to take her out, but she reached the point with her dementia that she wouldn't understand anyway.  She did understand visits and appreciated them whether she knew people's names or not.  Most of the time she knew me, which I feel fortunate for.  Often she was way back in years and thought her parents were alive and didn't understand where daddy was (he'd been gone 32 years).  I'd explain to her that he was waiting in heaven for her and would be there when she got there, and that they always loved each other.  Her faith had been so strong in the 36 years she'd been a Christian and sadly, she lost much of it, but I would remind her of it and it'd appease her.  It was weird to be the one parroting it back to her, when it'd been the other way around for so long.  I look back on it as a very special time between us, even though hard.  I appreciate Marty and Anne for being there for me through the anticipatory time, it felt like uncharted territory to me because it was.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay and Marty! I haven't read that article but I will. I am about 95% sure that I did the right thing, but sometimes the other 5% starts talking to me and I start to wonder. I didn't really have any anticipatory period because my dad and I thought he could live another five years, and when his Dr. arranged for him to go to the fancy rehab hospital he told me, "He'll be stronger than he's been in years!" and I was ready to take that statement to the bank. When I pulled together pictures of him-especially the last ten years-for the slide show we showed at his Celebration of Life it looks rather obvious that he was heading downhill more and more over the last years. The decline in the last year was extreme but I didn't see it. I guess I was just trying to squeeze every drop out of the time I had with him and be in the moment. I got really scared in the last three weeks, but before that it was la-la-la let's enjoy each other, the day, the music, the weather, the flowers, the cat, and everything else I could round up. People were always telling him he was a lucky man, and he'd say, "Oh, she's wonderful!" but I'm not sure it makes me feel any better. Well, I suppose I could feel worse...I don't know. I mostly know that if he were still here he would be in a condition that he wouldn't want to be in, but I also wish he were still with me...

[kayc]

Of course you wish he were still here, I think we all do, such is the catch-22 of grief...fortunately we didn't have to make that call.  We wish what's best for them but can't help wishing they'd just get better and things would stay like they had been.

I'm fortunate that I saw my mom's end coming, although I really didn't know if we hadn't months or what, it's hard to predict sometimes, but I did see her going downhill.

[Clematis]

Yeah, Kay-I think you're right. My dad had a personal trainer until a year before he died and she was really terrific. She used to talk to me about his decline and she'd tell me that he should be in assisted living. She'd tell me that I just couldn't see it because I was too close to him to see it. I'd say no, no, that's not true-I see him as he is. I think now he was declining more than I realized, but I also think that my belief in him and keeping him at home like he wanted kept him alive longer. People used to tell me, "Let him rest-he's an old man!" and I kept after him to go to the gym and eat his fish and vegetables. Then I'd think maybe I was wrong, and so I'd tell him what I had been told and ask him, "Am I being mean to you in pushing you to get out of bed, go to the gym and be as active as possible? Do you want me to stop?" And he always told me the same thing-that he wanted me to never give up on him and keep pushing him. He'd say, "It's the only thing that's keeping me going!" And so I would keep pushing him, but I also was always watching him and trying to be aware of how he was doing and what he needed. But it might have kept me from seeing things accurately-that I wanted so badly for him to keep his strength. He drove until he was 88-two months before he died, and my sisters thought he should stop driving ten years before that, and that I should basically give up on hoping he'd get stronger, hold on and all of that. I think I did the right thing...

One of my first thoughts after I learned about my father's death was that I didn't get to say I Love You and Goodbye at the end, but then I realized that I had spent ten years saying goodbye, because when he moved out to AZ in 2006, he was almost 80 and had a progressively degenerative disease. He lived a lot longer than he thought he would. I bought my condo in 2005 and he got his in 2006. He advised me to get a 30-year fixed mortgage and disregard anything the realtors or bankers had to say to the contrary. But he got some crazy adjustable rate mortgage. When he had these crazy-high payments three years later and he told me what he had done, I asked him why he did that while telling me to get a 30-yr fixed. I was able to refi mine to a lower payment later, but he could not. He told me he didn't think he would live long enough for it to make a difference..and then ended up being able to live for another decade!

[kayc]

I'm sure you made a huge difference in how long he lasted, you gave him the will to live.

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I'm sure you made a huge difference in how long he lasted, you gave him the will to live.

Kay-There's no doubt that is true. It was also my intent from the start, even before my mother died and was in the hospital-nursing home loop for five months. I started talking to him on the phone daily because I thought I could help him to be a better advocate for my mother in these facilities since I was in my last semester of grad school across the country and couldn't be there. I quickly realized he needed something to hold onto, and that our daily talks were vital to him. I was so afraid that he would quickly follow her. Then I got the great idea that he (and I) would better off if he moved to AZ (couldn't stay in a split-level house alone with Parkinson's) and my sisters, who loved in the same town an hour away were jubilant that I was willing and eager to take him off their hands.

The poor guy-he used to cry on the phone and say over and over, "I just don't understand how it can be that I am still here and she is gone." A year or so later this segued into concern that he had no purpose to live and he needed to find a new purpose to live or he wouldn't continue to live. Then one day he looked at me and announced that he had found his new purpose in living-it was to be there for me. And he never wavered from this to the end. Somehow, a major purpose in my own life was to be there for him and to keep him strong, comfortable, and happy for as long as possible, but it was never a decision exactly. When I coaxed him out to AZ, I made the commitment to him to never leave him alone on holidays and to do absolutely everything I could for him as long as he lived no matter how long that was or how bad it got. I wasn't thinking that this would become my own purpose in living. I just felt that it would be immoral to coax him across the country without making a firm and clear commitment to him. It's funny-I read what I just wrote and realize that there are people-tons of them-who take their marital vows less seriously than the commitments we made to each other. It was really an enormous leap of faith for both of us, because we had not been close at all since I was little and thought he was the coolest thing going. Here's a pic of us below; my parents bought me a ukulele when I was 7...I think my dad about had to in self-defense because I couldn't leave his alone.

Say, did you see the videos I posted (a few up)? They are about Lena the therapy cat, but show my dad petting her...

 

[kayc]

Yes, I did see the videos.  I wish I could make videos but I don't have a steady hand for photography, let alone videos.

[Clematis]

I didn't make these...a woman in Sedona named Glo (who teaches PhotoShop) did them. She has a YouTube channel called "Sedona Pets" and she makes videos for pet holidays. It is amazing how many pet holidays there are. Glo likes working with Lena because she is such a ham and very photogenic...