I lost my dad

[Clematis]

When my father moved to AZ from PA, upon my coaxing him, I vowed to him that I would stand by him and take care him, no matter how long he lived and no matter how bad it got. Nevertheless, I never thought I would be able to do his toiling for him if he became incontinent or that I would destroy my back trying to lift him if he got to the point where he could no noter transfer himself. In the darkest part of my heart I hoped that the day would never come that this would arise. But it did. After he fell and had a compression fracture in his L3, he was suddenly incontinent-they told me that it was probably due to the swelling, and he also had extreme difficulty moving around because of the pain in his back, so he moved as little as possible and went from pretty weak to even weaker. So I thought maybe he would be able to toilet himself and move around more if he could get through the six weeks that it usually takes for a bone to heal. But he was dead 23 days later. I thought I could get some help here and there so he would never be alone more than a few hours and Lena and I could move in with him and be here at night, and somehow we could limp among until his back healed. But when faced with toileting him and trying to do a two-person transfer by myself, I couldn't face it. I spent a lot of time over those weeks, sitting in his wheelchair out in the cold garage while he was inside, either crying or talking on the phone to hospice to to caregiver agencies trying to get someone to come and help take care of my dad while I was at work. Several people committed and then bailed. Maybe I should have done it anyway, even though I couldn't figure out how I could do that. I didn't think I could toilet him and transfer him by myself when he could barely move. And so, it was obvious to me and to him that he couldn't stay here at his house. A few days later he checked out. And here I am in his house wit hall of his things, and he is gone. I was so sure I was doing everything possible. But maybe I wasn't. Maybe the truth is that I let him down and failed to keep my promise...

[Clematis]

I'm not sure why I am suddenly having all this guilt, doubt and fear. On the whole things are getting better...I have more energy, get tired rather than exhausted, more focused-not losing stuff & falling & all of that much anymore, and feel more like myself. I'm taking care of my flowers and my cat, and better care of myself. Still eating too much sugar, but also eating tons of veggies and some fish again. Also, I've finally made it back to the gym to start getting back to working out. I'm even feeling a tiny bit better about the idea of moving back into my own house.

But the idea of all the work that will take is daunting. I've kind of had a little break on working on all that mess-at both condos because I was engulfed by the end-of-semester crunch. So, naturally nothing was done (hardly) during the last couple of weeks. I have two weeks of work left until summer, and my helpers seemed ready to go after May 25, my last day of work. I'll have ten weeks totally off work, and then it looks like next year I'll have a slo more work than this year. That is good; this past year was rather light on my work load, which was good given that my dad's health declined so radically and then he died and I have been struggling with grief. It'll be good to make more money but I'll be really busy. It makes it really obvious that I really need to get all this sorting done and the move made before the end of summer. It's daunting and frightening, but I have to do it. Is that related to why I'm having all this guilt and doubt? In the beginning I didn't have much of that-because I tried to hard to make sure I did everything humanly possible to help my dad, and everybody involved told me there was nothing more I could have done. I felt very sure around the time of his death that I did the right things for him all along the way, but now I am not so sure... I'm thinking this is related to my worries about this summer, but I don't know.

 

[kayc]

Try to remember to stay in today and not worry about the next few weeks.  It will happen, one day at a time, little by little.  I'm glad you have helpers lined up!

[MartyT]

Laura, you are by nature a very busy lady, interested in and doing lots of different things. You're also one who is determined to accomplish whatever you set out to do.

You strike me as a person who does better with "doing" than with just "being," and as your school year ends and summer approaches, you're like a race horse headed for the starting gate. You know what lies ahead of you, but you've yet to begin, and just thinking about all of it is making you anxious. Part of you is trying to muster the energy to get the job done, and part of you is worried that you won't get it all done before the summer ends. And part of you is frustrated that you haven't even begun to tackle all of it. I would imagine, too, that on some level you're disappointed knowing that your summer will be filled with work instead of leisure and some well-deserved rest, and probably will be over before you know it. All of this adds up to PRESSURE. I hope you will follow Kay's advice. Remember to breathe, and tell yourself that in due time, it will all get done. 

[Clematis]

Thanks for the advice, Kay-I think you are right! And Marty, you sure hit the nail on the head. My therapist from years ago-the one I saw for years related to family of origin issues, used to say the same thing about "dong" and "being". And truthfully I think I still don't really get it. I think it is how I survived my childhood  and accomplished everything else I have done. It's a coping mechanism, but it's a lot more functional than, say drinking/drugging. I have a curiosity and thirst for whatever interests me that is like a wildfire and no tolerance for boredom. Fortunately I have a lots of energy as well. And since I get so much done, I have always failed to see why it's a problem-or if it is. I think it is one of the ways in which I am most like my father. Well, maybe this summer it is a good thing...I don't know. I have felt rather panicked over the past few months, because I was so exhausted I could so hardly anything and it made me wonder if I was even me any longer.

But my tendency is that when I am overloaded, I fear that I am losing what I want most of what I want out of my life and so I take on even more just to make sure that some of my life is still for me...I worked full time during my school psych program and also managed to finish a year early, had a small private practice, maintained a house on my own, and continued in a high-maintenance relationship that I couldn't get out of. During the heaviest semester, I feared I was losing my life and took on a project of making costumes for me and my partner, complete with plaster of paris molded ghoulish masks...I also carried a 3' jointed skeleton doll on a pole and make a costume for the doll as well. Kinda crazy... Anyway, thanks for your insights, Marty-I really appreciate it. Those really are astute and sensitive observations, and quite to the point. Please let me know if you have any more ideas for me.

[MartyT]

Have you ever tried meditation and mindfulness, Laura? Living in Sedona as you do, there must be workshops / classes / specialists in your community that could get you started. I know of no better way to learn to stop "doing" and just let yourself "be" ~ if only for a few minutes a day. See our Mary's excellent article, Meditation: Helpful to Those Who Grieve   ♥

[Clematis]

You are right-there are tons of that sort of thing-meditation and mindfulness-I have some trouble with it because I have trouble staying still. Also, I'm not sure what it is all about or what the point of it is, although I sense that you are right. I'm sure that sounds really dumb, given the field I work in, but after all these years I still don't really get it. The last few months have been really weird for me because I've been too flattened to do much. Generally I am either busy busy busy or sleeping. I think there is something to what you are telling me, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe all that perpetual motion and business is some kind of defense-like as in keeping angst at bay? It seems really dense to be writing this, but I'm not sure even what that means to let myself just "be". I remember reading Tillich's The Courage To Be a long time ago and it gave me a lot to think about. I'd read a bit and then chew on it for awhile, read a bit more and chew on that. Maybe I'll have another look at it...what do you think?

[Clematis]

I read the article...and some of these things I have tried. I once tried a technique of color meditation, and I have tried to do some mindfulness exercises that are related to feeling present, and I have had some trouble with them. They tend to either slow me down (as in sleep) if I am tired, or more likely send me into some kind of hypomanic frenzy of ideas related to art and producing art. I have a kind of synesthesia where I sense lines that correlate to music that I either hear or that is running underground in my mind. If I don't consciously block it, the lines show up in my artwork.  Here is a little cray-pas drawing I did after going to Home Depot and being disturbed at all the dry pots; the plants are clearly suffering. So you can see the heat of the sun on the parched earth and the relief that the flowers feel from finally getting some water. But there is a lot of other stuff going on in this thing if you look at it, and it's not like a deliberate act-it just gets in there. The thing that is great about art therapy is that stuff from the unconscious is projected out where it is visible. But then again, one can create something like this and still not really see what may be really obvious to an outside observer...

When I paint/draw flowers I feel like I am being more than doing...like there is a flow more than anything. Do you think it's possible to use art like this, or is it just more doing...

 

[MartyT]

4 minutes ago, Clematis said:

When I paint/draw flowers I feel like I am being more than doing...like there is a flow more than anything. Do you think it's possible to use art like this, or is it just more doing...

Yes! Absolutely it is possible to use art like this. An an artist, you're a natural at it! 

I also think you may be over-thinking what mindfulness / meditation is all about. Go back to Mary's article and see especially the part entitled Many Ways to Practice - Not As Difficult As You Might Think. See also our Meditation thread in the Tools for Healing forum.

You might also try one of Belleruth Naparstek's recorded guided imagery CDs (also available to download in MP3 format). (Her Meditation to Ease Grief is wonderful.)

[Clematis]

OK-Thanks!

[Clematis]

11 hours ago, MartyT said:

Laura, you are by nature a very busy lady, interested in and doing lots of different things. You're also one who is determined to accomplish whatever you set out to do.

You strike me as a person who does better with "doing" than with just "being," and as your school year ends and summer approaches, you're like a race horse headed for the starting gate. You know what lies ahead of you, but you've yet to begin, and just thinking about all of it is making you anxious. Part of you is trying to muster the energy to get the job done, and part of you is worried that you won't get it all done before the summer ends. And part of you is frustrated that you haven't even begun to tackle all of it. I would imagine, too, that on some level you're disappointed knowing that your summer will be filled with work instead of leisure and some well-deserved rest, and probably will be over before you know it. All of this adds up to PRESSURE. I hope you will follow Kay's advice. Remember to breathe, and tell yourself that in due time, it will all get done. 

This was really stellar-I should print it...

Here is another drawing. That is a hibiscus in the foreground, but the real subject matter is the background, which is the vibration of Lena purring

 

[Clematis]

feel guilty about how happy I was to get these little breaks, which were actually the only exercise I was getting at the time.I seem to be doing better – it's like stairsteps but the reverse of the ones my dad did. Over the 10 years I took care of him he will go downhill and then back up but never up as far as he was… over and over. I seem to get a little better and then go downhill, but never as bad as I was.

 I belong to a rec center in Cottonwood, where they have an outdoor pool and a fabulous aquatic center indoors. They have a little area they call the lazy river, where you can walk with or against the current.  Walking against the current is great exercise but difficult. They also have water aerobics classes, which I came to LOVE and find a welcome respite from caretaking and work. I revolved everything I could around going to those classes whenever possible because it felt SO good to be in the water moving around to music with a bunch of friendly people.

 Even when he was in the hospital, I plan my trips so that I could make it to the most challenging class on my way through Cottonwood, which was on my way to the hospital. On what turned out to be his last day, the staff at the rehab hospital asked me to come to a "family meeting". I said "sure" and asked if we could do in the afternoon, so I could go to my class first. They said they do this with everyone, but when I got there they had the OT, PT, MSW, RN, director,  and some other staff, as well as my dad  at this meeting. Apparently the point of the meeting was to explain to me that he was not getting stronger, but was going downhill and instead of having a three-week stay there, they were going to discharge him  within a few days. I spent the rest of that day with him and he died that night.

I didn't go back to the pool classes for a while, and when I went back it wasn't any fun anymore, and I tended to start crying in the pool or the locker room. It was hard not to think about him when I was in the pool, and all that Splish splashing  to music that had been such a nice respite before made me feel guilty about how happy I was to get these little breaks, which were actually the only exercise I was getting at the time. So I stopped going to the classes, which seem to make me feel worse as well as more exhausted than I already was. 

 But lying around without doing any exercise and eating Lucky charms and macaroni and cheese and all that ( not exactly instead of but in addition to my regular diet of lots of vegetables and a little fish);  but anyway it didn't do my fitness and weight loss attempt any favors. 

To be continued-my phone won't do this...

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Laura,

I'd like to tell you to let go of the guilt, but I know it's not as simple as that.  It just seems so many people carry around guilt for things they shouldn't and it affects every avenue of their being, their health included.  Honestly, I don't know what you would have to feel guilty about!  You did all you could for your dad and he was fortunate to have you in his life.  it's so important to take care of yourself, and if you enjoy the pool classes, why not participate in them?!  It's a wonderful way to get exercise.  We don't have a pool in town, but I remember when my daughter broke her wrist in three places (she was ten) I used to make the 100 mile round trip to take her to the nearest pool so her muscles wouldn't atrophy while she was healing.  It's so good to have regular exercise and have it be something you enjoy so you can stick with it.  That's why I picked walking my dog, it's a win-win situation!

[Clematis]

So I was afraid to even think about getting back into the  Aqua aerobics classes because I didn't think I'd even fit into my swimsuit anymore. So  I started back gradually with a little weight lifting and walking, and then today I went to one of the classes in the pool for the first time and it was really great.  The people over there were happy to see me, it felt good being in the water, and I wasn't having all those thoughts about my dad and crying and all that like I was before. 

 I really don't know why it didn't feel right to be in the pool when I tried to go back in March… Too much grief? Guilt? I don't know… But I think I'm doing better and this is good.

[kayc]

I'm glad, Laura.  A couple of months can make a difference in how we feel.  I'd hate to try on my swimsuit right now!

[Clematis]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Laura,

I'd like to tell you to let go of the guilt, but I know it's not as simple as that.  It just seems so many people carry around guilt for things they shouldn't and it affects every avenue of their being, their health included.  Honestly, I don't know what you would have to feel guilty about!  You did all you could for your dad and he was fortunate to have you in his life.  it's so important to take care of yourself, and if you enjoy the pool classes, why not participate in them?!  It's a wonderful way to get exercise...

I don't know if I was really feeling guilty or not in Feb/March when I tried going back to the pool classes. Maybe it was just too soon. I do know that those classes used to make me SO happy, it was like a euphoria drug, being in the water next to a wall of glass, watching the clouds drift by and the trees wave in the breeze and my phone was far away in my locker where no one could bother me with real life. An hour-long vacation! 

I always tried hard for a balance with my dad's care taking. I could have given up my art/music/exercise, but I knew it would make me resent him, and he always insisted he didn't want me to do that. So I trimmed down the art and the music and the exercise and totally gave up on some less critical things. Like trying to develop a social network in Sedona, where I had just moved when he came out here. And housework- I really jettisoned that one. Something had to go-I have an lot of energy and stamina, but I'm not three people. It seemed like the thing to do...I think exercise is critical, and the music and art-well it is who I am. The art and music are totally intertwined -it's like the right side and the left side of my cat! But I am working on my social network, figuring out of the people I know which ones are friends (or could be) and which will never be. I'm not totally isolated like I thought I was. Of course if I had been focused on keeping my house up, I wouldn't have such a mess, but Marty seems to believe that I will somehow survive the summer and get through all of that.

Hey-you know...I think there is something huge and horrible hiding in there, but I don't know what it is. There is some reason why I can't be at my house for more than ten minutes unless I have someone with me. I don't know what it is, but I think it's something about the decisions I made while I was there as well as the mess and the fact that I spent ten years going home there at night, but knowing that my dad was a minute and a half away, and even closer by phone. When I am at his house it is almost as if he could just walk back in. I am just afraid there is something I can't face hiding in my unconscious mind but I'm going to have to come to grips with it this summer. I wish I could just stay hiding from reality here at my dad's forever, but I can't. 

[Clematis]

When I say my art and music are intertwined, this is what I mean...I played a solo classical recital in the middle of this exhibit, a one-woman-show of my watercolors related to music. It would be virtually impossible to have one and not both. This show/recital was a tremendous accomplishment, but it was at some cost. I haven't been able to play the guitar since then. I finally found someone to help me with the hand injury I sustained preparing for the recital, but after I fell in February we had to shift focus to my arm problem from the fall. I hope the OT doesn't give up on me and we can get back to the hand. I love playing the cello and the ukulele is fun, but it really is too bad to not be able to play the instrument that is the one that I really could play. Used to...

These paintings were from a whole series about music and are in a standing exhibit at the Flagstaff School of Music. Now I am working on trying to represent the music through painting without such an obvious symbol of music in the painting...

[Clematis]

I miss my dad. Every day. Sometimes it's worse than other times, but I always miss him. I remember him telling me when I was probably 14 or 15, "No one will ever love you as much as your parents do!" I don't remember what inspired this comment, but I think it was some kind of conflict. I do remember my reaction; I thought, "Well if that's true I am in for a rough ride in life!" I never really felt like my mother loved me, and she told me in an endless variety of ways that I had only served to ruin her life by my existence. And my dad-well he was a mixed bag and a little weird when I was young, and then we just weren't close at all. Then my mother died and I realized that my dad had spent his entire adult life revolving around an extremely narcissistic woman, and with her gone I saw who he was for the first time-really saw him. Like-"who is this nice man and where has he been all my life?" I also realized that we were really a LOT alike. And then after he moved out west to be near me, we became the best of friends. He loved me unconditionally, always was interested in anything I had to tell or show him, he was eager to go with me anywhere he was able to go. I shared my life with him, took him all over the place, and he was my best friend and a wonderful companion. People saw us together all the time, and if they saw me alone, they would say, "How's your dad?" I sure miss that!

And my dad-the thing people always said to him was, "You're a lucky man!" And he would agree, saying, "Yes, she's wonderful". He totally had my back, was my safety net, and loved me unconditionally. He was always in my corner and always had my back. I think he was right when I was a teenager. No one else has ever loved me like that or as much. I don't think I will ever see that again. During the years before my dad was out here in AZ, I was alone for a lot of my life and I was ok. Sometimes it was better than other times, but I guess I was used to it and I never thought I would have anything better. When I was young I inadvertently married Peter Pan (I won't grow up-I'll never grow up); he didn't want to work and I didn't want to live my life living in a teepee so as to avoid paying rent and utilities, cooking over a wood stove, taking showers from a solar shower bag hanging under a tree, and using an outhouse in the rain or snow or heat. I thought I could take better care of myself and I have. I developed a career and worked hard, also developing my art life. But then suddenly I had my dad for ten years and he obviously really did love me. So, somehow, being alone before I was ok, but after having someone really love me unconditionally, I dread the rest of my life living without that. How does a person find unconditional love and lose it and ever be ok again?

[kayc]

I don't know, but I'm doing it.  The only one that ever loved me like that was my George and he's been gone nearly 11 years.  It's hard and I kid you not, there's not a day ever goes by but what he isn't in my mind and heart and I miss him.  I've gotten used to this life kind of like one gets used to physical pain, you may not like it but you have no choice but to live with it!

[Clematis]

Today I came home-to my dad's house- after my last day's work of the school year, thoroughly exhausted. I feel sad that my dad is not here to share my relief at completing the school year, my concerns that I could have less work next year, help me believe I will survive even if I do have less work next year, help me believe I can handle it if I have more work next year, and to share my joy at another summer of gardening, painting and flowers. I feel worried about all the work I have to do this summer and wonder if I can manage to do what I need to do.

I miss my dad. I wish we could have some rice pudding together and talk about whatever. I wish I could see him again when he was 37 and I was 10 and hear him whistling in the kitchen, playing the banjo or ukulele gown by the river. I wish I could see all of that again, but it's all gone now. I feel sad. But I don't feel like I've been run over by a cement truck. I do feel tired, but after a 15-hour day and spending three hours of that flying kites in the sun on a windy day, it's probably to be expected. Perhaps I'll feel better in the morning. It would be good if I had enough energy to go to the gym and then come home and work on the big mess. I'll guess we'll see what we see...

[Mom's angel]

I understand. Not having my mother with me, it hurts. No matter what I do deep inside there is always this constant feeling of something wrong. 

My time with her was the most wonderful part of my life and I miss that part so bad. 

You spend your life years with the person never thinking about living life without them, they become a part of you and them death comes in between and suddenly everything is ruined and you're left to live without them clinging to every ray of hope about their spiritual existence.

I also have to decided about doing something as from now I'll be free most of the time and so I'm getting many suggestion and I have to choose one carefully, 

 

[kayc]

Laura,

Congratulations on having your school year over!  My little sister has to go until June 17 for her last day but got news yesterday about their plans for her next year, so she was relieved.

Mom's angel,

Wishing you well as you make your decision, I hope you find something you will enjoy.

[Clematis]

I finally got online to look at my Advanced Ceramics class grade and got an "A". I fretted throughout the semester about my grade, because generally I am engaged in a prolific flow of creative projects-mostly related to Lena, cellos, ukuleles, and pots in which to grow flowers to paint. This semester I was exploring inorganic chemistry by simplifying glazes to analyze what the elements in the glazes do in simplified glazes. Especially at the beginning of the semester, I felt so flattened I didn't really feel like making little schmata, and so I started by studying the chemistry sections of glazing handbooks. I told my teacher several times during the semester that it didn't feel like I was really doing much, and he kept telling me that I was worrying too much and that I was still accomplishing a semester's volume of work. 

[Clematis]

I miss my dad. Every night and every day. I hear him talking to me and I'm glad he's here with me but it doesn't really make me feel any better. I go through his things and wonder, what did he do with this or that? Why did he have this? What was he thinking? Why didn't I ask him? 

I can't ask him now, and before I didn't have access to his stuff to paw through and come up with these questions. I wish I could ask him so many things but it is too late. However, I think it was always too late. He hid things about himself, what he had been up to, and why. Sometimes I feel like I am getting to know him better now that he is gone than I ever did before. but there are all these holes of unknown material that I will never know. He was, for the most part, a quiet man full of mystery, whether that was his intent or not.

And now, here I am lurking in his house having access to things I never did when he was alive, but there are more questions than answers. It is like a treasure hunt, going through his things bit by bit. I never know what I will find. I am like an archaeological excavator. A sad excavator...

I worry that I am not doing the right thing, that there might have been some better way to do what I was doing in the past as well as what I am doing now. But I keep hearing him tell me, "You're doing fine. Just do the best you can".

[kayc]

That is one of the things that hit me when my mom died...that I can no longer ask her anything.  It makes me wish I'd shown more interest in family history while she was still able to answer questions but you think you have tomorrow land her dementia snuck up on us.