Weird Rollercoaster of Emotion

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

Saturday will be the four month mark since Mom died. For the first month and a half, I was in so much pain that it was intense. It was soooo hard to do much of anything, but I somehow managed, even if I had to sneak away to the work bathroom to sob practically every day. Then, for the next month and a half, I woke up and walked around with this crazy heavy feeling. I'd get motivated to do something, but then I'd feel like a giant piano was hanging off of my neck and I wouldn't do much, despite my intentions. About a month ago, we celebrated what would have been Mom's 60th birthday. It was really hard to get through. My dad, my little brother, my little sister and I went to her grave, left her some flowers, and went home to make a bunch of homemade pizzas, like Mom always used to do at family gatherings. I also made the cupcakes I made for her birthday last year. We lit a candle on one of them and sang happy birthday. That was a craaaazy hard day, but I seemed to pick up after that.

For a few weeks, I was compartmentalizing my grief. I had a little cry just about every day, but I was getting stuff done and looking forward to things. Suddenly, over the past week or so, I'm just sobbing all the time. I think the realization hit that I'm only 29 and I have to live the entire rest of my life without ever seeing my very favorite person and very best friend on the planet... who just also happened to be my mom. I've lost my best buddy from childhood AND my mom. The time ahead seems so interminable, in regard to this. Even if I die at the same young age she did, that's 30 years without her. I haven't even lived that long yet. It's like staring ahead at this crazy chunk of time that I have to go through without the person who loved me the most, the person I love more than I love anyone else, and the person who always felt like "home." How do I even handle this? Good lord. It's terrifying and so sad.

I mean, I have found things that help. I sit here and realize how unbelievably fortunate I was to have such a wonderful mother. Her effect on me will last a lifetime. If I can be 25% the woman she was, I'll be ecstatic. She was so kindhearted, so full of love, so selfless, so smart, so funny, and so industrious in everything. If I someday have kids, I have the best mother model in the world to reflect on. Of course, there's also the brutal realization that if I have kids, they'll only know this precious person through my memories and stories. She and my dad also taught me what a healthy marriage was: basically your best friend who you have the hots for. You'll fight, you'll have some bad times, but ultimately the good outweighs the bad and you compromise to keep life going with your best buddy. As a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, and just as a random person, she taught me the value of dedicating yourself to making people happy. What better aim can you have in life? That's the only stuff that lasts and the thing that makes you feel the most accomplished. She also taught me to laugh at everything and look for the bright side of life, no matter how awful things might look. You can find something to giggle over. That's a really important approach to take. And she never expected anything of her kids, only to treat others properly, to do the right thing, and have some love for God. Even if we flubbed up or took a less than conventional approach to things, she loved us no matter what. We never had to live her way for her to be happy with us.

I'm trying to balance this resurgence of sadness, which I'm sure will never completely go away, with gratitude and love for my mom. I'm trying to remember the person that she was and to try to exhibit her best characteristics. I mean, all of my good characteristics basically came from her anyway, but I'm trying harder to live those approaches. I got her goodness in smaller doses, interspersed with some crankiness and the occasional selfishness. I'm not as awesome as she was, but I can try, to help her spirit live on and to have her be proud of me, wherever she is.

[kayc]

I was a daddy's girl...and I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my daughter, so he missed out on his grandchildren.  It is very hard to think about the rest of your life without them, that's why they say to stay in the present and just deal with today as much as possible.

Like you said, it's hard being without that person that loved us unconditionally.  I think it does help to try and carry on the good things they taught us in their lives.

[Potterhead]

I'm so sorry for your loss and I feel like I can relate to so much of what you said.  I lost my mother one year ago this month.  It has been devastating for me.  At about the six-month mark I had completely lost my will to live.  Nothing like that had ever happened to me before, but I somehow managed to pull myself out of it.  I lost my dad 14 years ago and I'm an only child, so losing my mother, my "final" parent really left me feeling alone, even though I have a husband and daughter.  I'm 47 and I still feel cheated that I lost her.  My daughter was 10 years old when she died and my mom is missing so much.  It hurts.  My dad died three years before she was born, so I never got to share her with him.  I think the only thing I can share with you that helps me is I tell myself every day how much my mom loved me and how she would want me to be happy.  I know that's what I want for my daughter, and as wonderful as your mom sounds, I'm sure that's what she would want for you.  It's still hard, though.  The loss is so big and the pain is so intense and all-consuming.  I hope you can find peace.

[Clematis]

Hello Daughter, I am so sorry to hear about your losing your mom and the anguish that has followed in the past months. I lost my dad about three months ago and my path has been similar to what you describe. For the first month I was paralyzed and did little, aside from the things I had to do that were right in front of my face. For the next two months, I have been like you-on a roller coaster ride of emotion that frequently catches me by surprise. I am about twice your age and am really impressed by your insight and self-awareness. It seems to me that you are handling things very well, even though I'm sure that to you things probably seem very much out of control.

From what you say, it sounds like you are very much like your mom and share many of her qualities and passions in life. Another way of saying that is that she does and will continue to live on in you, just by your being you and living your life. People will know her, even if they don't know it, by knowing you. The same is true with me and my dad; I am so much like him and he was my strength and hero. He does live on in me, but I am not at a point where I can really appreciate that. I, like you, am too busy swimming in the river of grief to think that's really great. I feel like I want to tantrum like a small child, kick my feet and scream, "I don't want him inside me and living through me-I want him outside me and alive where I can talk to him!" But the daily agony is that he is not coming back...it's tough...

[Mom's angel]

The only that keeps me going is her thought, the sweet memories.

I can relate to everything you've written. My mom was 42 when she died, it's a long journey ahead without her, 

My gradation without her, there are so many situation where I'll miss her badly.

I'm glad that you're making such positive efforts.

[David UK 2]

Hi DaughterOfAnAmazingMom,

                                                  I am so very, so very, sorry for your loss. Many of the things you say about your mom are the very same thoughts that go through my head about my own Mum who I lost on January 13th of this year. As you say, I doubt if we will ever feel exactly the same ever again, it’s just about slowly, painfully coming to terms with our new reality. You got it right, it really is a weird roller coaster where we are reasonably OK on one day only to be totally distraught the next day.

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

kayc - Parents do love us unconditionally. It is tough. It's like your refuge and safe place goes away when they do. Staying in the present is a good suggestion. I'm sorry you've been without your dad for so very long.

Potterhead - I'm so sorry that you've lost all your childhood family with the loss of your mom. Moms do want us to be happy. My mom was always saying, "Don't cry when I'm gone." Yeah, like that was going to happen. Her positive attitude is something I've been trying to apply to my own life. I understand what you're talking about with "lost the will to live." I haven't necessarily gotten to that point, but I have felt the pointlessness of it all. When someone who means the world to you is gone, your world isn't really your world anymore, is it? It's like being in a strange, foreign universe. Especially with your parents. You've never been in a world without them. How do you adapt to that? Hugs to you as you continue to navigate this.

Clematis - I'm so sorry about your dad. We're definitely walking the same path. I don't really know if I'm handling it that well. It's just almost like I feel my mom in my head, reminding me that she was always laughing and looking at the bright side. She always liked my ability to be silly at all costs, too. I'm trying to do that, but it's pretty hard to be silly right now. We do help our parents live on. I remember reading a quote that said, "Children are the messages we sent to a time we will not see." That made me feel like I was some remnant of my mom, and I needed to take that seriously and try to carry on her kind heart and loving ways. We should be happy that we're tasked with this, me with my mom and you with your dad, shouldn't we? It's a noble thing to do, one of the few things we can do "keep them alive." As much as we cry and hate that they can't just carry on what they were doing themselves, we've got to move through it and carry them on.

Mom's Angel - We came here about the same time. You're a few years younger than me, and I know it makes it so much harder. I'm glad you're doing a bit better, too. Though we don't know each other, I've been sending you hugs and good vibes since we first spoke on here.

David - I'm so sorry about your mom. The worst part is, like you said, things won't really ever be the same. We just have to accept where we are and hold the memories as close as we can. It does make it harder when we have no idea what the heck our emotions are, doesn't it?