Is this a fluke?

[Clematis]

Is this a fluke-or what? Yesterday my mood went from zero to...well a little into the negative but not too far down or for too long. I actually got some productive work done on one of the two psychoeducational reports I really need to get done if I want to finish the school year looking good and have some work to go back to at the end of the summer. It's been hard to drag myself to it, but I'm doing it!

And then today, I woke up-and got up at a normal time for me-before 7:00, with some energy and enthusiasm and positive thoughts about what I can do with the day. And some other days to come. In other words, this is the first day that I woke up feeling like myself in a long time. I am going down to the Verde River Growers-to talk to Shawn, the owner, about my father's rosebush and bring him some blossom samples. Verde River Growers has been one of the joys of my life in the last few years; they have dozens of greenhouses and open areas of flowers, bushes, trees, and every other plant imaginable, and the people there are so friendly and helpful. They haven't seen much of me this year because I have been too flattened to move, but last year we did a big trade where I did three huge acrylic paintings of veggies on wood panels to help them promote their veggie area, in trade for plants. I was so happy about having my paintings there and doing the trade. It's hard to believe that was me, but I'm pretty sure it was, because I signed them. Just the other day I introduced myself to someone, who said, "Oh, I know who you are-you did those paintings of the veggies down at the greenhouse!" Yeah, that was me... 

Anyway, I would just love to have my own rosebush of the same variety that my dad has at my own condo so I can continue to enjoy his roses even after he is gone, his house is sold, and I have no more access to it, but I have no idea what it is. I'm sure Shawn can help me get to the bottom of it. Also, he has expressed interest in having me do another trade this year--this time of flowers. Perhaps I should work on being more interested myself. Maybe if I acted more like myself, I would feel more like myself.

Also, I met some nice neighbors last night. Now that it's warm, I need to water the plants and flowers at my own condo as well as the ones at my dad's where I am living. I certainly don't want to be a plant-killer on top of everything else! I would feel even worse! These condos are close together with tiny narrow streets with a lot of dead ends so you can't go zooming around, but you can walk through connecting paths easily. So I was walking back from my condo to his and noticed a car  drive to the dead end of the street I was walking on, and then back, very slowly. I was watching them because they looked lost and I was going to ask them if they were lost and offer direction. They rolled down the window and asked me if I was lost. I said no, I thought maybe they were lost. They laughed and said no. They seemed very friendly-two men wearing ties in the front and two women in the back dressed casually, and looking to be in late middle age, like me. They seemed friendly and this is Sedona, and I will talk to just about anyone...I had the vague impression they were doing some kind of religious outreach. So I told them that I did feel rather lost because my dad had died, even though I knew exactly where I was. They laughed, sympathized, and we chatted a bit. Turns out one of the couples lives in my condo complex and they gave me their phone number, suggesting that I should call them any time I felt like talking-that we could meet down at the condo association's jacuzzi. It's inside a locked gate so only the residents have access. but I never go down there alone, and I nave have anyone to go with. What a lovely offer! It made me feel good...

And feeling good is an oddity these days...so I guess I'll snip a few roses and go see Shawn...I'll bring back a photo of the boards I painted last year!

Thanks for listening!

[kayc]

I'm glad you're having an up day.  It can change back and forth and seem to have no rhyme or reason.  I've learned to enjoy the up days when they come.

[MartyT]

Laura, my dear, you said, "Perhaps I should work on being more interested myself. Maybe if I acted more like myself, I would feel more like myself." That is a very insightful statement, and may prove to be a key element in your path to healing. Of course your father's death will continue to affect you, in ways you've yet to experience, and your life is totally changed from how it was before, which will take some adjustment ~ but you are still the same person you were before this death happened, and you still have all those talents, strengths and skills that got you through all those years of loving and caring for your dad.

You ask if this is a fluke, and as Kay says, how you feel today may change tomorrow and probably will ~ but you are definitely entering a period of transition from caring for your father to figuring out where you go from here. This is a process, Laura, and it's okay to take your time.

I think this article may speak to you: Transition After Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone   ♥

[Clematis]

It was nice to see my paintings hanging at the greenhouse and that the staff and customers are enjoying them. I took these photos last spring when I took my dad over there to see them hanging. I feel for him as I recall how difficult it was for him to make it over to this area, even though it was only 30 feet from the car. I feel sad but not shattered as I sit in his house looking at the roses out his back door and remember the day we went to see these panels, but I think I am seeing that I am still the daughter he was proud of. I think I should get my reports written...

[MartyT]

♥

[Clematis]

I have a new friend...this climbing rosebush...I think she's pretty nice even though she has thorns. I was on my way to a grief support group and didn't want to leave her in the car, and so took her with me. One of the women was having her birthday and couldn't stop crying. I cut off a rose and gave it to her...she inhaled the fragrance for the rest of the group. There is just something magical about flowers...

 

[MartyT]

And something very, VERY special about roses! I've always considered them a metaphor for life. You cannot have the incredible beauty of roses without the thorns. (See my Pinterest board, What Is A Life Without Roses?)  ♥

[enna]

And this is one of my ROSE boards ~ I got hooked on Pinterest several years ago when I came on this forum. 

A Rose is a Rose  

[Clematis]

How very cool-some fellow rose lovers! I want to tell you a story...

Two summers ago I spent the entire summer on my front porch painting the flowers I grew, especially the roses. I'd get up early every morning and paint until it was too hot and/or the light changed. In the fall I was frustrated because I was back at work in the schools and no longer had leisurely mornings to paint the flowers. But then it was November and it was cold and the roses were gone and almost all of the flowers were gone and I felt bereft because the next sumer seemed so so far away. And my dad told me this..."well you know, it's practically Thanksgiving, and then it will be Christmas, and a few weeks later it will be Spring Break, which is practically summer and your roses will be back!" 

I play cello in the community orchestra in Flagstaff, and it has been a fabulous thing for me because I only started the cello four years ago and to be able to play in an orchestra is such a thrill. I have been wanting to play the Strauss waltz "Roses From the South" since he said this to me, and after my dad died, I asked David our music director and conductor, couldn't we please play Roses From the South as a tribute to my dad. He said he would look into it, but then said that the music was not public domain like much of Strauss and therefore we could not just download it like much of our music. I knew this but was hoping, and had no idea how much the music would cost-maybe a lot! So he got back to me and said that if someone would sponsor it for the cost of the music we could play it in April and then we would own the music and could play it anytime. Sixty-five dollars-that's not so bad...I told him-I'll sponsor it myself! And so, we are playing it next Friday night. But I haven't been able to practice the cello part-I've been just too wiped out...most of it I can play because it's not too hard, but there two little sections... Somehow I have to find it inside myself to practice those little parts between now and then. Somehow...

 

[MartyT]

What a wonderful story, Laura! You are one very talented lady 

[Clematis]

Thank you, Marty! I believe the arts always need an audience because the essence is communicating something...a feeling, an idea, a story, something. So if no one sees or hears it, something is lost. And so, in spite of tremendous performance anxiety I have pushed myself to perform gigs anyway, and I share my paintings whenever I can, because feedback can be helpful in seeing what is actually being communicated. If someone says something I don't want to hear... well I have a pretty good filter.

I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't wait to get back to painting until my Maui trip in mid June-I should start today. I'll just put the paint set I keep out at the school out on the table and get the kids to paint with me. Art therapy has been a great activity out there and we haven't done it in a long time. I've been too flattened to even think about getting out the supplies.

I am about to head out the door to go work out at the reservation as a school counselor-it's a 2-1/2 hour drive each way. I tell you, it has been brutal getting up at 4:30am while staggering under grief for my father. Good thing it's only two days a week this year. And one of the surprises of my grief process has been that one of the worst parts of my work week is leaving that school to come home. I spent all those school years that I worked out there (five, I think) rushing off from work to get to my dad's house to food him dinner and take care of him. I would generally call him once or twice on the way-whenever I could get a good cell phone signal. And now I come home to a hungry and grateful black pussycat, but no dad...

[kayc]

Laura,

My favorite instruments are the Cello, Oboe, and Saxophone, I literally melt when I hear them so I admire you for being able to play Cello.  I'm so glad you'll get to play your tribute to your dad and I'm sure you'll get those two parts down!

Your paintings are great, you are one talented lady!  I do believe in art therapy and used it when my George died, although I'm nowhere in the same class talent as you.  When my daughter needed a counselor years ago, I selected one that used art therapy because she loves art too and I figured it'd be a good way for her to relate and express herself.

[Clematis]

Thank you, Kay! 

I called my cello teacher this morning to see if she could help me with these parts. She is almost the same age my dad was (88), and about the time he started really going downhill, my cello teacher (and same-aged neighbor across the street) were both diagnosed with different kinds of cancer. It seemed rather staggering, but I have kept in touch with these two ladies, and unlike my dad they pulled through their treatments and seem to be doing ok. But I don't want to bug either of them and I haven't had a cello lesson in a long time. 

Anyway, she was happy to hear from me and said she would be happy to help me with Roses From the South and the other piece. What a relief! 

And today I did these, while working with my kids at school...I'm painting again! I was showing them how wet-on-wet creates a mood, but you still need a center-of-interest. Small, but it's something...  -Laura

 

[kayc]

I love them!  It's amazing to me how someone can just whip up something like this!

[Clematis]

Thanks! I was relieved to see that I haven't totally lost my chops! I think it's been at least six months since I painted anything. I did the artwork for the cover of the community orchestra's program cover this past season and would like to do so again (they loved it) but I have wondering how I could pull that off if I could barely get out of bed a lot of days... but maybe I'll be able to do it...

I did this painting of a luna moth confusing a bat (we are playing Die Fledermaus) after meeting a biologist in Hawaii last summer who studies insect evolution. I met this man in the shuttle from the airport and he told me he was researching how the Luna moth had evolved so that it could twirl its tails around and confuse the bats, who would then focus on the tails and not the head & vital organs. The moon flower is a host to the Luna moth, naturally my cello (Mister Cello) is in there, and also Hildie, a bass with whom we've been camping several times at a bluegrass festival. Not just any bass, but blond Hildie with her lovely grain. And Lena, dead center, represents the audience. You can see the music swirling up to her ear...

[Clematis]

I have worked in Home Health Care (as a Social Worker), and talked to a lot of middle aged children of the elderly, who were coming from the hospital into an uncertain future. The offspring were clearly bewildered, overwhelmed, and terrified of what was to come because they had their own lives of jobs, families, their own homes, and so on. They felt pressured by the discharge planners from the hospital to do more for their failing parents than they thought possible. I understood this totally because I had been at the hospital with my father lots of times, when the financial powers-that-be were trying to get him out. I knew what it felt like to have them sizing me up hopefully Since this old man had Parkinson's and lived alone, they might have to get really creative to find a way to get him out of the hospital. My dad was generally snoozing through these assessments of me-he had total confidence that I had the strength and confidence to handle anything. I saw the staff sizing me up listening to my statements about how I lived 1-1/2 minutes away and could move into his spare bedroom if I had to, and no doubt looking like a Rottweiler-and a social worker-and they looked SO relieved as they hustled off to finish the paperwork.

But I don't feel like my dad's Rottweiler daughter now. I've realized that I got a lot of my strength from him, even though he was looking like he got his strength from me. We were a great pair, and now it's just me and Lena the therapy cat. Where is that strong woman? Am I still her? Lena says everything would be fine if I would just feel the cat-right now! She should be happy I am sitting up typing and not lying in bed...

By the way, that picture on my icon is our picture from our Pet Partners I.D. We have to take our test this afternoon (3:30PST) to see if we can renew our registration as a Pet Partners therapy team. Wish us luck, my new friends, ok?

[MartyT]

[enna]

I love your paintings, Laura. I hope you did well on your test to renew your Pet Partner's I.D. I hope you keep up your painting skills and continue to enjoy the cello. 

Anne

[kayc]

Wishing you well with your therapy cat testing!  If only we could learn from our pets, they don't stress out over anything (except loud noises).  I love your painting!  

[Clematis]

We passed our test, getting the highest scores in almost every area and the concluding comment "Great, experienced team". They were also impressed with Lena's jumping onto a chair when I snapped my fingers, sitting on command,  doing a "high-five" on command, and whipping her head around to look at me every time I said the word "chicken". Lena was rewarded with chicken treats when we got home.

[Clematis]

These ups and downs are killing me...sometimes it seems mysterious how it comes and goes, and sometimes it's just the same ole same ole. I am walking up to my own house every day now because I need to water the roses and other flowers and plants there, as well as the plants at my dad's house, which I am realizing is my safe little cocoon that I am staying in. I used to be so relieved to go home to my own house-before my dad died. It always felt safe and kind of cool and dark like a cave, and I loved it. My dad's condo is much more light and open than mine-due to its orientation toward the sun. Mine is very close to a red rock wall, which makes it very private, and cool in the summer, which can be pretty hot here.

But it's hard to imagine that I will ever feel ok up there again, because every time I go up there, not only am I reminded of how much work I have to do before I can move back in there, but it also reminds me of all the years I lived there safe in the knowledge that I could be in my own little condo and still see my dad any time I wanted. He was always happy to see me, even if it was three times in the same day, and he was only a minute and a half away! Does anyone think I can ever be happy up there again? Like once it is a combo of my condo cave against the red wall with Lena and the new blue carpet, my mother's paintings with all the blue in them, and my dad's furniture and whatnot? It seems so distant and impossible...

[kayc]

I think you will make it so it's comfortable for you.  Right now you're looking ahead at the work that needs done.  Try to stay in the moment and enjoy what is today, as much as you can.  I know that's really hard to do when grieving, I guess that's another reason grief seems so exhausting, it requires a lot of effort on our parts, doesn't it?

Congratulations, Lena!  You guys make a good team!  I was never good at teaching a cat anything other than to stay off the table, etc. although I had one cat that would fetch paper wads and knew one that would turn light switches on or off depending on whether he was entering or exiting a room.  My cats would probably be peowed at me all day if I tried to high five them!

[Clematis]

You sound like a great cat-trainer! I had no luck getting Lena to fetch anything...and turning the lights off and on? That's amazing! How did that happen? What I read about training cats is to train them to do something they are already doing-or close to it-on command. The hardest thing I ever get her to do was to ring a bunch of jingle bells hanging from my music stand with her paw. It's tough to get a cat to do a trick that involves making noise because their instinct is to be silent. She really wanted to just wave at them and get a treat. Is that good enough? No... It took four months of work. But once she got the idea that she could get my attention from whatever I was going and get a treat, she was all over it. Especially when I am on the phone...ring ring ring...  We are now working on the equivalent of "Speak" except I say to her "Say aloha!" and any vocalization gets her a treat. I work on it when she seems in a talkative mood".

[kayc]

It's much easier to train a dog, cats are very independent!  The cat that turned light switches on/off was my SIL's cat and he just started doing it on his own...they worked with him to get him to turning them off when he left the room, that was harder.  I figure if I can keep the cats off the kitchen counter & table I've accomplished something.

[Clematis]