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recently lost my mom


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I lost my 74 year-old mother to small cell carcinoma a week ago.   It was a very rapid & aggressive form of lung cancer.    She went from talking fine a week before Easter, to dying on the 15th.   Small cell is a very hard cancer to detect, & I urge all of you to get tested for everything as much as possible.    Here's my problem though, I have 2 older brothers, & my dad is 77...he was married to my mother for 54 years.    My father is beyond grief-stricken, which isn't a surprise here, but one of my brothers constantly nags at me to call my dad a few times a day, to let him know I'm thinking of him, & to tell him I love him.   I live in the northeastern part of the U.S., the rest live in the northwestern part of the U.S., so I don't live close to him, but I try hard to call him at least twice a day....but it's hard listening to my dad break down.   Like yesterday, my dad came home from the funeral home to get my mom's ashes, & he was so beyond struck with sadness, he was barely understandable, & it was hard listening to him.   It's hard to turn on my phone & I pause for a few seconds before dialing his number & control myself.    I had a sister, but at 10 she died in 1988, I was almost 15.   My 2 brothers got sent home from emergency leave from the Navy to mourn, but it was for a few weeks, then they had to leave.    I was home alone with 2 grief stricken parents for 8 years, & it was very hard on me.   But I shoved my grief aside to take care of my parents.  I went mostly everywhere they went, even if I didn't want to, I had to because they wanted to have me close to them.   Shoving grief aside is a bad thing though, I had mental breakdowns later in life, & finally came to terms with her death.   Now, 2016, my mother dies, and who lives the closest to my dad?   My 2 brothers.   So if anyone can assist a parent, it's my 2 brothers, it's their turn to help out, but I try calling him as much as I can though.  I visited my mother on the 14th, she was still alert, I said a lot of things, loving things to her while she was alert..not knowing she'd die the next day.   I left, kissing her forehead & said bye...I was going to say "See you tomorrow."  But "Bye." came out first...now I'm glad I said bye, because a lot of people never get the chance to say bye to their loved ones that pass on.   So, I'm trying to do my best in this situation I'm in so far away, but I get lectured by that one brother & his wife, & I feel like telling them off, but I can't because they are hurting too, I know this.  They keep saying, "This isn't about you, it's about dad."   I knew that, & I know that, but people deal with death in different ways & I'm not about to shove my grief aside again because it causes future problems mentally....like depression & anxiety.    I posted a picture of my mom & I on Facebook 4 days ago.  My father came out of his room crying/sobbing because of that.     I told my older brother & he's like "Sean, NO!   NO!   Don't do that, it's not about you, it's about dad!"   I know my brother is right, but can't I memorialize my own mother on Facebook...like so many do on theirs?   Why can't I do it on mine?   So that's where I am at the moment.   I do post things on Facebook about my mom, & I make sure none of my immediate family see it, so no brother or sister in law complain.

 

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Thundar,

I am sorry for the loss of your mother and for all you are going through.  It's not just about your dad though, it's also about you and your brothers and all of your losses.  Of course your dad needs first consideration because it's probably hitting him the hardest, being his spouse, but it's hitting you too and that also needs recognition and acknowledgement.

You have every right to post about your mom on FB, and I would post it for friends & not family so they can't get upset about it.

Have you tried talking to your brothers about what it was like for you to be left alone to deal with the loss of your sister and responsible for your parents when that happened?  They may not understand, but I hope you won't feel the need to handle everything the way they think, it's important to listen to your inner self and take care of your own needs.

I do hope you're seeing a grief counselor with this.  Not just anyone who is a counselor, but one that specializes in grief that can help you find your way through this.

If you've learned anything from your previous experience with death it's that you don't want to shove your feelings aside and merely attend to your dad because it will come out at some point down the road.

You are a wonderful son, very caring and attentive.  I wouldn't feel the need to call twice a day, but even once a day would give him something to look forward to, esp. if it's around the same time so he knows he can look for it.  

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My friend, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, and I agree completely with everything Kay has said to you. I hope you realize that you are a son in mourning, with your own grief for your deceased mother, and while you can love your father with all your heart, you cannot be expected to act as his grief counselor.

It seems to me that in their concern for your dad, your brothers are in effect trying to lay a "guilt trip" on you. Bear in mind that no one can "make" you feel guilty without your consent! Since they live closer to your dad and you live way across the country, it seems reasonable for you to expect them to do as much as they can for him. You can do whatever you can, but then you must feel okay about it, and let it be enough. Recognize that you can offer your dad emotional support and understanding, but you cannot do your father's grief work for him. This is his road to travel, and you have your own grief to deal with ~ not to mention whatever feelings you have about your own past.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it offers some useful ideas and suggestions. Please be sure to see the Related Articles and Resources listed at the end, too:

Consoling A Bereaved Parent, From A Distance

 

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Hi Thundar, I've read and responded to a number of your posts, but I just now read this one for the first time. I'll write you more later-I'm on my way out the door to work and I'm late. But anyway I was really struck by a number of similarities between our situations. Us living on one side of the country, one parent is gone, and now we've just lost the other.

When my mother died-11 years ago, I was across the country calling him on the phone. I started when she was on the hospital to nursing home to hospital merry go round, going downhill for 5 months; my original intention was to help him be a better advocate for her because he seemed so lost and I thought I could help him to help her. He was very grateful for the contact and attempts to help, although I'm not sure he did any of the things I suggested, but it strengthened our bond. I talked to him for an hour-and up the three hours-on the phone. His pain was wrenching for me but he obviously needed it. After my mother died I was terrified that I would lose him as well, I intensified my efforts to hold onto him and give him something to hold onto as well. It was a tough time for me as well. I was in my last semester of school, doing my internship and trying to get a job and move. I was desperate to get out of Tucson because I couldn't sleep at night because of the crime. My life depended on my going through the right steps and I never got back there during the five months she was ill, and I was the only person who had the idea she was going to die. I kept talking about going back there, but they all discouraged me to stay where I was and stay focused. "Oh, she's getting better now-you should wait" and that sort of thing. I went out there shortly after graduation and a foot sugary that had unfortunately been set for then, but it was to her funeral.

As to people telling you that this is all about her and not about you, they have it all backwards. Life is for the living. Funerals, memorials, celebrations of life, etc, may be about the deceased, but they are FOR the living! They are so that the survivors can be together and share their experiences-about the person they lost and also about what they are going through now.

It really sounds like you are doing everything you can, even though a lot is being dumped on you. Keep hanging onto your dad...you have no idea what it means to him. In my case, I am convinced that my hanging onto him like I did after my mother died kept him alive. And he lived for 11 years after her death!

Hang in there - Laura

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