Lost my brother to an overdose

[Nicksbigsister]

My brother died last August at 25 years old. He died of a heroin overdose. He had been clean for almost a year before that night, and by all accounts was doing well. He was alone when he died and unfortunately we will never know what made him relapse. 4 people were charged with reckless homicide for his death. One has made a plea deal, but I am still facing 3 jury trials where I have to hear over and over, everything he went through that night. I Wrote this last night in one of my darker moments. I felt compelled to share: "Irrational. I even hate the way the word sounds. I know it's Irrational to be upset over a simple conversation with a friend, but I am. I'm finding it difficult to deal with at the moment. I'm mad and frustrated. Not at my friend, or really anyone in particular. But I feel like a bomb waiting to explode. I'm ready to lash out without warning. I remove myself from the situation. Still angry. I remove myself from EVERYONE. Still raging. I try and clear my mind, but all I can hear are the screams of my inner voice. I slowed down long enough to realize my heart is beating fast and I'm breathing heavy. This just makes me more upset. I'm frustrated because I can't control anything, especially myself. I can't change what's happened and I can't change the way I feel about it. I want someone to blame. Someone to hold responsible. But I know logically, it isn't anyone's fault. So I keep it. Hold it inside where it eats away at me. I'm alone, but it's safer that way. I can keep the demons caged if there aren't any targets for them. I worry that I have lost myself. That so much of me is gone that I am just a fragile shell. I think about how unfair it is. You hear "Life isn't fair" all your life, but you never know how deeply unfair it can be. How can I be okay again? It's as if a chunk of me has been ripped off, and the world expects me to soldier on. I'm not okay. But sharing only makes it worse. Hurting and guarded feels better than hurting and vulnerable. I'm pretending, hoping it will eventually be real. I want so much for this wound to heal. My illusions of my own self have been shattered. I used to think I had control over at least my own mind. Now I've been hijacked by unbearable emotions. Grief and sadness are there, but mostly anger, pain, and above all, helplessness. I start to question whether anything was ever okay, or if I just was better at convincing myself. Maybe my whole world has been spiraling towards this moment and I've been in denial. I'm lost without you. I can't function in a world where you are not there. How do I get out of bed? Take a shower? Go to work? All I want to do is stand up and SCREAM. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HE'S GONE? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS WORLD IS NOT OKAY?" There is something fundamentally wrong. Something that can never be changed. But I go through the motions. I get out of bed. I get ready and go to work. I smile. I laugh. But something is missing. I'm a recording of my former self. Sometimes I know others see through the facade. But no one would say so. No one knows what to say. Because there isn't anything TO say. No amount of words can make up, or change, or heal. I am forever in this place."

[Mom's angel]

Every word you've written reflects my feelings. 

Our losses are different but hey a loss of a beloved one is a loss nothing can replace. 

I lost my mom 20Nov 2015, I'm 21 and my mom was and still is my world.

I'm going through each and everything you're going through.

Guilt always surrounds me, anger comes following it. 

But from what I've heard and read in this forum, I can tell you that this is all okay.

A loss of a beloved one is not something we can just accept, requires time and our own understanding. 

One thing  is for sure that our beloved ones will never blame us for their death and will never want us to feel guilty about it but we all do that.

One fact is ' no amount of guilt will change what has happened' and the only thing we can do is live, live this life on behalf of them, keeping them alive in our memories. 

Do you have anyone to talk about your feeling? It helps.

Do you go to a grief counselor? 

Find a grief group ( if you haven't joined any, I'm trying to find one) that will help a lot as you'll get the chance to express your feeling and get to know the feelings of others who are going through the same.

 

[kayc]

Nicksbigsister,

You expressed your feelings very well.  I was going to ask if you see a grief counselor, but I see Mom's angel beat me to it.

Do you have to attend each and every trial?  Could different family members represent your family at the different trials?  It seems like a whole lot to go through, esp. when you've been through so much already.  My heart goes out to you, I am very sorry for your loss.  

I don't know that there is a specific reason for relapse, it happens often.  Statistics show that it takes the average meth user 7 tries to get off of it for good.  Seven times of trying to kick the habit!  It's hard.  I'm glad he tried, he wanted to choose life, it's just hard sometimes.  I wish he'd made it free for his family's sake.  

I'm glad you found this site, it does help to get it out and know you're heard.

[MartyT]

My dear big sister, I am so sorry for your loss. The death of your brother Nick is so tragic, and we can only imagine the depth of your pain.

When coping with an overdose death like this one, it's important to understand what you are feeling and why, and to know that you are not alone. I want to point you to some resources that I think you will find helpful:

The Grief of An Overdose Death, Part 1

The Grief of An Overdose Death, Part 2

[hollowheart]

If your name wasn't on that post I would think I wrote it. Feel exactly the same WORD FOR WORD.