How do you survive the suicide of your lifelong love?

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am new to widowhood.  I am new to forums.  I feel so many things.  Yes, right now it is all about me.

January 5, 2016 - I wish I could go back for 5 more minutes so I could tell him how much I loved him.

I don't know how I found my way here; I'm so glad I did.  

I need a community that understands the trauma of losing 49 years of my 59 years of life. 

[kayc]

Welcome, I am so sorry for your loss.  Marty will be along soon and probably have some links for you with regards to loss by suicide.  What do you want us to call you?

I hope you have support, do you have children?

[MartyT]

Dear one, I'm so very sorry to learn of this tragic loss in your life. I'm glad too that your found your way here, and I hope as you come to know us, you will find some comfort here.

I don't know what, if any, support you have around you, but I hope you're not trying to walk this difficult and challenging path all by yourself. There is a world of support "out there," specifically aimed at those whose loved ones have died by suicide.

And in addition to surrounding yourself with support, it's important for you to understand what you may be feeling, and why. 

I invite you to begin with these articles: Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide and Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide  ♥

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you for your kindness and your response to my post KayC and MartyT.

As you can imagine I am in turmoil.  I need to compose myself to in order to continue this discussion ...  I will be back a little later today.  

[Clematis]

That is really awful. Losing someone to suicide is a haunting and terrible loss no matter what the relationship; I have lost three friends to suicide, and although the shock fades, the unanswered questions remain. Losing a spouse to suicide is really tragic-it's hard to fathom what you must be going through. Marty's articles are always really helpful; I don't know how she can possibly find such a wide array of marvelous articles on diverse topics, but she does. I hope you keep coming back here. I have found the love and support to be really helpful. And generally someone gets back to you rather quickly. It is a great thing about the internet. Even at night people in some time zone are online...There really is a community here of people to reach out to for help. Our losses are all somewhat different, but there is a commonality in grief that we all feel. We're here for you.

Also, you said you wish you could tell him how much you loved him-I'm sure you told him many times how much you loved him, and he no doubt knew anyway. You were together for a long long time, and I'm certain that he knew your heart!

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello 

I'm just so messed up right now that I don't think I can post anything positive.  I hate that when I start to try to talk about things it is like verbal vomit.  If you want to call me Marita that would be good.

I don't count the days because mostly I'm not sure what day it is.  I just know that the 5th day of any month marks another month he's been gone and that Tuesday is the hardest day of the week.

Many thanks for the replies on this post.  It makes me feel less alone.

[MartyT]

Marita, my dear, as you come to know us, you will find that "posting something positive" is not a requirement here ~ most especially considering the reasons that brought you here. We're all so very sorry for your unspeakable loss ~ and now that you are one of us, you are not alone.

[kayc]

Marita,

It's very hard to see your way up right now.  This grief journey is life long, but it doesn't stay in the same intensity forever, and it will evolve throughout your journey.  I just want to welcome you to our group here and let you know you are welcome to come and read or post any time, we are here to hear you and will be here for you if you want us to.

[enna]

I offer my condolences to you over this tragic loss. We surround ourselves here because we know that we will have the listening ears that we so need.

No need to be positive here. Our emotions are what they are and everyone really does understand. You will find comfort here as you sort out your feelings.

Hugs to you form all of us. 

Anne

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you all for your kindness.  

Laura, I've never really been a demonstrative or verbal person when it comes to love.  Physical contact makes me uncomfortable and hurts of the past have caused me to withhold my feelings.  I'm hoping that my husband, who really was everything to me, has forgiven me for being so inattentive in the last year.  I feel like I've forgiven him for the secretive drinking that I only found out about after his death.  He was obviously drinking to feel better and his long lived addiction had once again stolen the sober him.  I knew something was 'up' but he denied his use.  He had me thinking that it was 'fake' beer which I thought was bad enough, but it was not always the fake stuff.  After the fact, I looked at the bank statements and the evidence was there.  Intellectually I know that he is responsible for his drinking and his death.  However; emotionally I have been struggling with the guilt issue.  I am saddened that he chose to end his life but I don't feel angry because I know more fully now that his life was a never ending hell.  I have been suicidal more than once in the past.

MartyT, I have been checking out the books and other resources you listed.  Thank you for suggesting them.

KayC, our 29 year old (today) gay son moved back with us about 5 years ago so I am not alone. I am very worried about him though, as he has been suicidal off and on for 21 years.  Life is complicated.

Anne, I'm not very good at being truthful about my feelings.  My desire to not offend others and efforts to seek approval have almost always come before my personal needs.

I try to deal with my emotions with humour rather than tears because I always felt that crying was a sign of weakness.  My mother is narcissistic.  My father, my hero, is dead.  I am an only child with very few close family members of my own or my husband's.

I'm off for a pizza to celebrate Reid's birthday.  I hope I help him have a good memory of the day.  Thank you all.  I will be back soon.

Marita

 

[kayc]

Marita,

However you deal with your grief will be the right way for you, so long as you take care of yourself, and that's one of the things most of us have to learn to do after losing our spouse.  Many were caregivers of their spouses and as such, their needs kind of took a back seat for a long time, so self care was something rather new to them.

I am glad you are not alone, but I sure hope your son is able to get the help he needs to be happy and mentally healthy.  Happy Birthday to your son!

 

[iPraiseHim]

Marita, welcome to our group.  I asked the same question as you. "How do I survive the sudden death of my wife. Just breathe and live in the moment as you can.  We all struggle in our own way.  I couldn't imagine living one moment apart from wife and yet one day at a time, most one moment at a time, I have fro over fourteen months.  I listened to suggestions from friends and MartyT in this group which really helped me to live this alter grief lifestyle. None of us choose our circumstances in dealing with the death of our beloved partner in life. You are welcome to check any of our early posts and you will discover that you are not alone.  I wish we could take the pain away but we discover that the pain of grief and loss is what helps us to cope and discover our inner strengths. Grief is another expression of our deep love for our mate.  Shalom - George

[Widowedbysuicide]

This is just me trying to work things out.  Seeing it in writing often helps me see what really is happening.  I will reread it tomorrow and see what I'm trying to accomplish.

Life is so very alien without my husband:

There are so many decisions and no partner to discuss it with.  There is so much that I don't know and I'm overwhelmed trying to sort it all out.  I have a fear of becoming a bag lady.

There is no one to soothe my fears when I hear sounds outside at night.  I do not feel entirely safe in my house anymore.  When my son moves out I will be alone and I didn't not think I can cope with my fears.

My brain isn't functioning as well as I need it to.  There is no one to remind me to take my meds or eat properly.  I get frustrated easily.  My patience is being tested too much.  

There is no one to talk to about my concerns about my son.  No one is here to tell me that we will be ok.

My son is grieving the loss of his Dad and he wants to ignore Fathers' Day.  We have coped through my husband's birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, my son's birthday, 36th Wedding Anniversary, and now Fathers' Day.  

My son and I are only children.  My mother is a narcissist who believes/claims that I am a very bad person and that I deserve all the bad things that come my way - I have moved from my home town to get away from her cruelty.  My father died 13 years ago.  My mother's relatives dismissed me many years ago.  My father's family is in Scotland.  My inlaws blame me for my husband's suicide. 

My panic attacks and depression are getting worse.  

I go to bed at night and wonder what my husband's is doing.  My sleep is interrupted because I have sleep apnea, I can not afford a new mask for my CPAP machine so I'm not using it.  

I wake up in the morning wishing I could go back to sleep; when I'm asleep I am at peace.

This has been going on for the last six months.  2016 is not a good year.

I will relax more now that I have ranted, mumbled, and got my thoughts out here.  I will read my book then listen to my audiobook and fall asleep.  When I wake up I will want to return to sleep, instead I will get up and start a new day with fresh possibilities.  My life is not what I would like it to be but I know it could be much worse, some days it is.

 

[kayc]

This is very hard.  I wish I had some suggestions, but other than getting grief counseling, I don't know of any.  Have you tried a grief support group?  At least it might be a place to connect with some others, perhaps make a new friend, it sounds like you could use one.

It's okay to ignore Father's Day.  I can't because that's the day my husband died.  Everyone else is busy with their family celebrations on Father's Day so I'm always left alone to deal with it.

I remember all too well that year of firsts without.  I felt like I deserved a medal for surviving it.  I chose to ignore Easter because I couldn't take one more holiday without him.  My kids understood.

I'm sorry about your sleep apnea.  Have you tried contacting the company that makes the masks and asking their help in getting one?  Sometimes drug companies will help someone who can't afford their Rx, so maybe the same might be true for these.  It doesn't hurt to tryi.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.  I know the feeling about not having a partner to discuss things with.  You get used to it with time but don't grow to like it any.

[MartyT]

Kay is right about programs to assist in buying prescriptions, Marita. See, for example, Patient Assistance Programs for Prescription Drugs.

See also CPAP Assistance Program

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thanks Kay and Marty.

Kay I am sorry for your great loss and suffering.  I will think of you tomorrow and hope you are not alone.

I am seeing a councellor and will be attending a 'mindfulness' course with Mental Health here in Canada.  Perhaps they can help direct me to some assistance with getting a mask for a better price.  My antidepressants are being covered by the medical plan and there is a reduction in some other prescription costs.

The closest suicide support group is 100 miles away.  (That is the price we pay to live on acreages.)   Since my accident a couple of weeks ago I am not venturing too far away.  There is also the concerns about driving home again after while my brain and heart are only focused on grief. 

I come here and feel better but it isn't like having that human contact that we need.  It is early days yet but I'm fearful that if I do not get my brain working better I will make too many costly mistakes or miss an opportunity that would have been to my benefit.  Perhaps the mindfulness training will help me more than I think.  I'm also on a waiting list for some other mental health classes.

Many thanks to you both for responding.  

Marita

[kayc]

The mindfulness training is a great idea!

I was in the same boat with grief support groups, only they were 60 miles away when George died, still are.  But being in the country always helped relief stress in that I thoroughly love and enjoy nature and wildlife, I imagine you are the same or you wouldn't be living there!  It can be a lot of work too though.

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is beautiful here.  

I would like to be able to stay in my home and keep my horses, I have 2.  With all the work and expense on 5 acres and a house needing repairs I'm uncertain how long I can stay.

My sunsets are so heavenly.  My little mare has perky ears .  

My 1st of July has passed.  The next date is the 5th and of course it's a Tuesday, as is the 19th, my 59th birthday.

I'm still wondering how I am going to survive my husband's suicide... Only time will tell.

 

[kayc]

It's beautiful.  Maybe you'll figure a way to keep it, I've manage to thus far.  Don't know about when I get too old to haul firewood and shovel snow though.

[iPraiseHim]

The best way to survive is to live just one moment at a time. Breath. Sleep. Move. Eat healthy. Share or write out your feelings and find support.  We do not have to succumb to the darker thoughts.  By expressing and reaching out, you will find your path through this grief journey.  The secret to life is that we will all get knocked down.  It's okay to fall but sometime soon decide to get up and move forward.  Acknowledge the feelings but don't let them dictate your actions or your day.  Shalom

[Widowedbysuicide]

Kay, I'm inspired by all of what you are doing.  I hope I can get it together to be as independent as you are.  You are a great role model!

George, in these times where I don't always know which end is up this is good advice, thank you.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am fighting with myself.  I'm on that slippery slope of depression and on one foot my meds aren't enough.  On the other foot is the Ativan that brings relief but also the fear of addiction.  My son is away for a few days and previous plans (that I've been looking forward to for a month) have been cancelled.  I feel like crap.  All I want to do now is cry or sleep.

Heartbreak Really Does Hurt—The Need-to-Know

Heartbreak is a term used to describe crushing grief, anguish, and distress, often due to the pains and strains of love. The experience of heartbreak can be so intense that some scientists suggest it feels the same as physical pain. In one study, people showed similar brain activity when they viewed a photo of a former love and when they felt extreme heat on their arm.

In fact, it might even be true that people can die of a broken heart. Early bereavement (the period of mourning after a death) is associated with increased blood pressure and heart rate, which can raise cardiovascular risk . Another study of people who recently lost their spouse found the stress involved with mourning upped the risk of dying from a heart attack by 20 to 35 percent. Looks like heartbreak really can hurt the human heart.

i just read this on greatest.com  APRIL 28, 2015  BY LAURA SCHWECHERL

So, do I take an Ativan and just sleep, coast and cry?  Or do I loathe myself and my life and just continue with the physical pain and emotional sabotage?  Truthfully I would like to give up.

 

 

 

 

[MartyT]

Marita, my dear, I know you're hurting and I want you to know that we hear you. Please do whatever you must do to get through this latest tsunami of grief. You've done it before, and I know that you can do it now. Go outdoors and find the sunset. Visit your beloved horses and talk to them. Take an Ativan if that will help you ~ and as soon as you have an opportunity to do so, make an appointment with your prescribing physician to discuss your concerns about it and whether or not it is working for you. Now is not the time to be concerned about addiction. Yes, by all means, do whatever you can to take care of yourself right now, even if it's to "take an Ativan and just sleep, coast and cry." This current grief storm will pass and the sun will come out tomorrow, just as it always has, I promise. Right now you need to stop thinking about the rest of your life and keep the focus on right here, right now. You posted this an hour ago. Please let us hear from you soon . . .

[enna]

I for one love sunsets, Marita, and I would like to see the face of your beautiful mare. Ears are adorable. I am a firm believer that we need to take our grief journey one day at a time. Sometimes even one hour at a time. One of the hardest things we fail to do is give ourselves permission to be right where we are ~ if we need sleep we give ourselves permission to do so.  I believe that we are good people. You are not what your mother says you are. We cannot do anything about what others think of us. I cannot imagine how much it must hurt to have a parent think we are not good enough ~ that is about them though and not about you. Those who come to this forum understand pain and loss.  We support one another.  We listen with open hearts and those who have suggestions for us always guide us in the right way. 

Anne

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you for your replies Marty and Anne.

I'm so grateful for this place and all the great people on here.  To be understood is such a relief.  Although we all grieve differently we do have so very much in common.

I decided to go to a fabric store in the hopes of a pretty pick me up.  I chose some butterfly print cottons that are beautiful colours and I think I will make cushions from them as a birthday gift to myself.  It did help to perk me up and make me feel alone when I had no one to show them to when I got home. 

I have more of a problem with my depression at this time of year.  I believe it goes back to the stresses of my childhood birthdays when my mother would plan parties that I didn't want and then would always comment on what a sour face I had in the party pictures.  I've dreaded my birthdays for as long as as I can remember.  This year my birthday is on a Tuesday, the day of the week that is still very painful.  Although really it is just another day I can't seem to get through this time without being deeply depressed and without my husband here to help me through it I am really struggling.

Thank you for your help.