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If You're Going Through Hell


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Cookie,

I have a long steep driveway too.  Snow seems to fill the bottom of it worse than anywhere else, it's like a gully.  I hope you're not getting a lot!

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Time to be honest.  I could get by simply by "going away" but I want to discuss this.  People on here that I genuinely care about.  I can see how caring they are and worried about each other.  Real people.  I can be thin skinned or let things roll off like water off a duck's back.  This week, in I guess an  unguarded moment I thought about stepping back completely.  The GriefShare group was not for me from day one.  First, it was only women, and that made it seem like men were not invited, or it was not offered to them.  I am an equal opportunity grief sharer and the men on this forum opening up with their grief gave me a chance to see how Billy would have felt too, but Billy did not "open up" to anyone but me, and unless someone invited him personally, he would not have been there.  Next, GriefShare was so Southern Baptist, and I am Baptist, so no offence.  But, the worse part of it was I was there to try to feel better and all grief was included.  (As it should have been).  I felt so much worse after each meeting though, I could not go back.  I miss my best friend, my whole life for nearly 55 years, but the majority of those people were missing children.  I cannot say all grief is the same.  I went to the cancer survivors meetings once, and at that time I was just a maybe survivor, as were all the rest.  I found out there were so many people that were so much braver than I was, I did not feel adequate to return.  Just like the GriefShare.  

My uncle, former football coach, former principal for years and years, in his 80's now.  Always keeps in the best shape.  Lives close to hospital rehab/weight lifting/workout place and has had two strokes now, luckily (I guess) at hospital workout room.  He is the patriarch of our family now.  When my dad died, he took over doing things like my dad did, as the oldest.  He took care of his mom, his sisters and my mom, and my sister, and now he is disturbed because he cannot remember seeing me at my mom's burial of her ashes next to my dad.  Oh, if he only knew how much I have forgotten just from 30 minutes ago, days ago, months ago.  His burial plot is next to mine and Billy's.  He would not take no for an answer, so I guess that is settled.  I grew up with an authoritarian father, uncle, grandfather, and a husband that wanted to be.  Just old southern ways like "bless your heart, ain't, and ya'll" and always will be.  

But, walking away from this forum gave me anxiety that worried me.  Have I become too dependent on it?  Like transference to a psychiatrist, have I given all my thoughts to a blank "sheet" and that is my crutch for not having Billy.  Gwen, I do so worry about you and your being so alone.  Gin, Joyce, some others (annoying forgetfulness), you guys, I can feel your pain and wonder how Billy would have reacted.  I know, if my dad had gone first, I am almost sure he would have found companionship.  My mom, she had no use for a companion either male or female.  Would Billy?  Neither of us felt old.  If he could have found a woman to listen to him talk about the different fly fishing techniques, he would have replaced me in a minute, I think.  

I don't have answers for the "being alone" that most feel.  I try to get Billy to help me, but he won't.  I don't want to lose my family, but sometimes I wish I could share the problems with those that feel so alone and have them share in my responsibilities that I should not even have to do, but I won't turn my back to them.  Then I would really be alone and have to think.  I don't want to think alone.  And there is my problem and my answer.  Word salad March 19, 2017, my sister's 66th birthday. 

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Marg,

I am not doing too well today, physically and mentally, so I am not too clear on what you are saying.  Are you thinking of leaving this forum??  Sure hope not.  We care about you and  sure enjoy your word salads.  My thinking and feeling are certainly in line with yours.  Billy and Al left within a few weeks of each other and you are one of the first I spoke  with here....about guilt.  Tell me that I am all messed up and that you are staying with us.  Your humor gives me much needed laughs.  I told someone the other day about your concern for Billy being in the hot car.  Stay with us.

 

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Then I would really be alone and have to think.  I don't want to think alone.  And there is my problem and my answer.  

Marg, I understand. I could live alone, but I'm sharing the appartment with my millenial sis. Just to have someone to talk to when I'm back from work, to ask for an opinion about trivialities.

We do the best we can to keep floating. We are swimming in the open ocean. Hugs

 

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Marg,

I have not considered leaving, but remaining more quiet. I'm sure those of you here get tired of hearing about my many problems. My grief combined with all that I have lost and will lose is simply insurmountable and hopeless. My son had to quit his job in January for health reasons and has been unable to find another one. In addition to struggling with financial responsibilities here, I am now supporting his household. All of this on credit cards that mount each month.

I have been very sick for the past two weeks to the point where I couldn't stand up. My bad teeth need temp fillings again and the pain was excruciating. I took so many pain pills they stopped me up. My son brought over some of the leftover colonoscopy prep(nasty stuff) and it worked ,but I lived on the pot for 4 days. My grandson came and stayed with me for a few days in case I passed out trying to walk. I cannot remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours. The worrying about what to do when I lose this home is on my mind 24/7. Yesterday was my 70th birthday, but no cause for celebration. Did not have a soul to speak to all day except the dog, but she is a good listener. Another year without the birthday call from my daughter. I know how sick I am when I can't even make it to Joe's Bar B Cue for the free meal.

I feel totally defeated and hopeless. That is it in a nutshell, so I will shut up about it now. Just please, don't even consider leaving. We need you. I need you. We old southern gals have to stick together.

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Marg, my dear, asking if you've become "too dependent" on this forum is like asking if you're too dependent on a life preserver when you are drowning. As others have said, Don't go. You are one of us, and we treasure your presence here with us.

Gin and Karen, my heart reaches out to you and Gwen and all our members who are going through such a tough time right now. I pray for better days ahead for all of us.  

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Marg - don't go, I need your word salads every day!

Karen - I too am here every day, reading, but I don't comment much, but that doesn't mean I don't care and worry about every one of you.  I consider you all friends that completely understand what I'm going through and I would be lost without any of you.

I hope that we all can find some peace some day. Hugs

Joyce

 

 

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2 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

Marg, my dear, asking if you've become "too dependent" on this forum is like asking if you're too dependent on a life preserver when you are drowning

 

Okay, the thought of leaving made me very depressed.  I am used to depression, but this was old time depression.  That is what bothered me.  We lose the most important thing in our life and talking about it does not bring them back.  But losing the forum was traumatic and that disturbs me.  I wonder when losing my mama is going to disturb me.  

Gwen, maybe you worry me the most.  I had my son and my granddaughter here when I considered doing without the forum.  I joined three days after Billy left.  It was a life preserver.  Literally.  And for me to get so depressed over leaving.  I hated that.  Why couldn't you live in Texas or Mississippi.  Honestly, if you were close I don't know what I would do, blind leading the blind.

I used to write about when I was growing up in another forum and people wanted me to keep on, to put them in book form, but I have lost a lot of my looking back, but still do it sometimes on here.  Thus my word salads.  One thing about it, it does not have to be read.  Maybe that is why I write my diatribes.  Billy used to love to read my "blog" but I would have his okay, but he never said not okay.  I miss writing for him.  He loved when I would write about him, like his first foray in a kayak in winter.  It was his last too.  I wrote about our travels and our mistakes. Now I write about him being gone.   

Well, we could all watch "Grace and Frankie" together beginning again on the 24th, I think.  This show was the first thing to make me laugh after Billy left. I appreciate it.  But remember, if you have any prudishness left in you, don't watch it. Then you can see what type of crazy things make me laugh.  Laughing helps.  This stupid new show "Trial & Error" is a mockumentary that had Bri and me wanting more.  They give it in short stretches because it is so stupid you cannot stand too much at once, but looking forward to the next show.  We are a strange family.  Billy watched every episode of "Lost."  I tried to follow along on Wikipedia and never understood it.  Scott and Brianna both rewatch reruns of "My Name is Earl."  I liked it once.  

My personality may not be for the most of you.  I tease and say I am redneck, I might come across as crude sometimes, but that is just me and I don't want to change.  I am not for everyone.  That's okay.  But, even with my use of words you are not comfortable with, just remember, my heart is with all of you for the losses as they were our life and this is just a continuation of our life.  And they lived happily ever after was a fairy tale.  We lied to our children.  I used to believe in fairy tales.  

 

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22 hours ago, KarenK said:

 

Marg,

I have not considered leaving, but remaining more quiet. I'm sure those of you here get tired of hearing about my many problems. My grief combined with all that I have lost and will lose is simply insurmountable and hopeless. My son had to quit his job in January for health reasons and has been unable to find another one. In addition to struggling with financial responsibilities here, I am now supporting his household. All of this on credit cards that mount each month.

I have been very sick for the past two weeks to the point where I couldn't stand up. My bad teeth need temp fillings again and the pain was excruciating. I took so many pain pills they stopped me up. My son brought over some of the leftover colonoscopy prep(nasty stuff) and it worked ,but I lived on the pot for 4 days. My grandson came and stayed with me for a few days in case I passed out trying to walk. I cannot remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours. The worrying about what to do when I lose this home is on my mind 24/7. Yesterday was my 70th birthday, but no cause for celebration. Did not have a soul to speak to all day except the dog, but she is a good listener. Another year without the birthday call from my daughter. I know how sick I am when I can't even make it to Joe's Bar B Cue for the free meal.

I feel totally defeated and hopeless. That is it in a nutshell, so I will shut up about it now. Just please, don't even consider leaving. We need you. I need you. We old southern gals have to stick together.

 

Karen, this is what we are here for, me too.  I do not revel in your pain, on the contrary, I wish there were ways we could climb over this calamity that life throws at us.  My daughter being in Kansas bothers me very much, but I cannot get her back home.  My sister knew how worried I was and said "She is very resourceful like her Maw" (my mama) and will find a way.  She is right.  She found her way up there, drove a big moving truck through Dallas with her car behind, alone..  Had already hired someone to help unload.  She did that on her own, so I suppose she can do it again.  Mothers never stop worrying or giving.  I know I feel guilty that both of my grown children are bipolar and thus far we have had a lot of lively entertainment, but I always had Billy to help.  

Karen, Gwen, Joyce, Cookie, Gin, and any I have forgot, we have Kay as an example that we can make it.  And remember, she has to shovel snow and get firewood and fight the elements.  And our guys on here, they are models we can follow after too.  We see that they are trying so hard to make it day to day and that is all any of us can do. My heart is with  you Karen, I do understand.

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Marg, just stay who you are.  If it bothers some people (and I can't think if anyone it would), that's their problem.  It would make no sense to be anyone but who you are.  Thanks for worrying about me, I do too.  Knowing others care adds a little light to this darkness I keep hoping will lift.  

Has anyone gone thru a phase of what I am calling 'flooding'?  The grief has always been there, but right now I am getting hit with memories and dreams like a punching bag.  It's like everywhere I look in this house evokes something intense trigger.  The dreams are ones that were daily living and so real that waking up makes it harder to get up because daily living is anything but what it was to look forward too.  I could only find a short reference to it online and at least it said you're not going crazy.  Wish it felt like I wasn't.  I did my weekly food shopping today and REALLY felt that urge to yell out.......stop being so gall darned happy and normal!   You're all driving me nuts!  I'm I freaking widow so knock it off!  And the topper?  I really wanted some cornbread and they didn't have any i wouldn't have to bake.  :angry:

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Gwen,

I think flooding is not unusual.  I go thru days where all I do is cry.  Every place I go reminds me of Al.  Everything I do we did together.  My big outing this weekend was going to the drugstore.  I had cried so much that I had to wait awhile so my eyes were not that puffy.   It sure is hard, Gwen.

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Gwen, I'm glad you mentioned it.  At seventeen months out my memory is still not worth a damn.  I've had friends ask me don't I remember and the things that strike the most anxiety is "do you know where something is located" and "do you remember?"  If the memory does not hit me fast, I put it out of my mind.  My granddaughter plays games trying to make me remember sometimes.  

I tried smiling in the grocery store at first, and meeting people looking them in the face.  Now I keep my head down and just buggy on.  My sister came up to me last week and I had my head down not looking at anyone.  

I have dream amnesia mostly and do not want "flooding" but if it comes on, I will be glad you told about it first.  I woke myself up the other morning dreaming I was a man.  Do not remember circumstances.  Too late for me to check into this transgender stuff.  

I hope maybe spring will bring on better circumstances.  I wish you both peace, we have enough upheaval.  

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I had a dream about someone inspecting my house and telling me I had too much stuff and everything he pointed out was my son's.  My son was there and his reaction wasn't positive.  I woke up from it too upset to go back to sleep so here I am.  I built a fire and am waiting for it to get going.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, I seldom ever get back to sleep.  It was 3:45, now it's 4:35.  

Marg, I don't remember your ever having tried to leave us before, and I'm not sure why you'd consider it now.  I've noticed that most people come here for a time, then leave.  Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm caring, maybe I'm dependent, but I never left.  I'm beyond caring what other people think of me and my decisions, I pretty much do what I want, and I'm here.  

Karen, do not ever worry about burdening us with your problems.  If we were bothered by that then we'd have to be bothered  by mine, and quite frankly, I have nowhere else to go with them so I can't quit now.  Besides, we CARE about you!  And it helps me not feel quite so alone with mine.

I'm wondering if I today should make an appt. for eye surgery (again)...I don't see any more snow coming, although it could be fooling me.  Today is the first day of Spring.  Besides, it'd be a month out so that would put me into April.  I can't see waiting until Medicare (October), so I'll just have to pay for all of it.  Even if it grows back and I have to do it all again next year.  I can't stay on the drops, I've found they can cause Glaucoma.  I'm only using one drop a day, it seems to be keeping it down a bit.

So there you have it, we all have "word salads".  

I, too, worry about Gwen.  I worry about all of us that don't have kids helping us, how are we going to grow old alone?  We NEED our spouses but they're gone.  But before I try looking too far ahead, this place reminds me...one day at a time.  

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I think years and years ago people had a "drove" of kids and that was their security.  My cousin, who really lived the "old ways" passed away, his wife (my cousin on other side of family), they had a small income, inherited land, but had five kids within minutes of their house, and one unmarried daughter took care of them.  I am really remiss in not going to see her.  We grew up fairly close, but she married at 15.  I know she suffers and she only lives less than 20 miles away.  I have a minimum schedule and seem afraid to wander off it.  

If there are no children, for whatever reason, we are on our own.  My biggest problem is me.  I have to offend myself to take a shower.  If I did not have the responsibility, (perceived responsibility), I would not come out my front door.  So my responsibilities may be my saving grace.  I made myself take a shower this morning.  I don't do anything to work up a sweat.  

To be totally honest with you, I have to shake myself and say, "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, RF"  Sometimes, and. I really am ashamed to say this, I wanted to go first, and still sometimes want to follow, but I cannot let my granddaughter, son, daughter, or sister down.  I really was very ill one night last week and my sister was calling over and over.  I really lost so much fluid I had mild aching over my heart.  I got the keys, bought the Gatorade, hated it, drank it anyhow and got the Ensure down the next morning.  I'm not afraid of dying, but I still have Billy's and my unfinished business.  Perhaps I have a purpose.  (I smell good anyhow).

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On ‎03‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 7:42 AM, kayc said:

I had a dream about someone inspecting my house and telling me I had too much stuff and everything he pointed out was my son's.  My son was there and his reaction wasn't positive.  I woke up from it too upset to go back to sleep so here I am.  I built a fire and am waiting for it to get going.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, I seldom ever get back to sleep.  It was 3:45, now it's 4:35.  

Marg, I don't remember your ever having tried to leave us before, and I'm not sure why you'd consider it now.  I've noticed that most people come here for a time, then leave.  Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm caring, maybe I'm dependent, but I never left.  I'm beyond caring what other people think of me and my decisions, I pretty much do what I want, and I'm here.  

Karen, do not ever worry about burdening us with your problems.  If we were bothered by that then we'd have to be bothered  by mine, and quite frankly, I have nowhere else to go with them so I can't quit now.  Besides, we CARE about you!  And it helps me not feel quite so alone with mine.

I'm wondering if I today should make an appt. for eye surgery (again)...I don't see any more snow coming, although it could be fooling me.  Today is the first day of Spring.  Besides, it'd be a month out so that would put me into April.  I can't see waiting until Medicare (October), so I'll just have to pay for all of it.  Even if it grows back and I have to do it all again next year.  I can't stay on the drops, I've found they can cause Glaucoma.  I'm only using one drop a day, it seems to be keeping it down a bit.

So there you have it, we all have "word salads".  

I, too, worry about Gwen.  I worry about all of us that don't have kids helping us, how are we going to grow old alone?  We NEED our spouses but they're gone.  But before I try looking too far ahead, this place reminds me...one day at a time.  

Kayc:  I'm so glad you are still here.  You have given me hope on more than one occasion; I hope you don't leave.  I also worry about what will happen to me in old age.  We must all have that concern.  It's just started happening to me; never really thought about it before. 

 

Gwen:  Didn't know it had a name, but I will have days, sometimes a week where I am sadder than usual and cry very easily.  It has worried me, but I'm glad to hear it happens to others just to know I'm not in what they call pathological grief(!)  For some reason, when I read about that, that scared the H.....out of me.  So afraid of getting stuck somewhere...I so want to get some more contentment out of life.  Maybe I'm trying to hard or wanting it too bad.  I am tired of grief...there, I said it......

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On ‎03‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 3:12 PM, KarenK said:

Marg,

I have not considered leaving, but remaining more quiet. I'm sure those of you here get tired of hearing about my many problems. My grief combined with all that I have lost and will lose is simply insurmountable and hopeless. My son had to quit his job in January for health reasons and has been unable to find another one. In addition to struggling with financial responsibilities here, I am now supporting his household. All of this on credit cards that mount each month.

I have been very sick for the past two weeks to the point where I couldn't stand up. My bad teeth need temp fillings again and the pain was excruciating. I took so many pain pills they stopped me up. My son brought over some of the leftover colonoscopy prep(nasty stuff) and it worked ,but I lived on the pot for 4 days. My grandson came and stayed with me for a few days in case I passed out trying to walk. I cannot remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours. The worrying about what to do when I lose this home is on my mind 24/7. Yesterday was my 70th birthday, but no cause for celebration. Did not have a soul to speak to all day except the dog, but she is a good listener. Another year without the birthday call from my daughter. I know how sick I am when I can't even make it to Joe's Bar B Cue for the free meal.

I feel totally defeated and hopeless. That is it in a nutshell, so I will shut up about it now. Just please, don't even consider leaving. We need you. I need you. We old southern gals have to stick together.

You cannot leave!

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7 hours ago, Cookie said:

  I am tired of grief...there, I said it......

Cookie, and I echo it. It's exhausting and there's not much any of us can do about it. But in this place we hold out a hand to each other, to steady, to help up. I am so grateful to have found this place where we can be here for one another.

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My eye surgery is scheduled for March 31st.  Anne pointed out that I won't be able to bend down because of the pressure to the eye.  Eye doctor hasn't told me anything of what to prepare for.  They're going to stick me with yet another "office visit" before the surgery, the third one, seems like they're milking it.  So then I was wondering how I'm going to take care of my animals, build a fire, etc. if I can't bend down.  Jim offered to come stay with me and help me, which I appreciate very much.  At least he knows my animals and my routine, so that will be a great help.  I won't likely be able to do my treasurer duties by deadline, but there is a co-treasurer, she hasn't done them in the 2 1/2 years I've been doing them so they can either wait until I heal or get her to do it.  Right now I have to take care of ME and everything else will have to wait.

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

Right now I have to take care of ME and everything else will have to wait.

Let this be your mantra until you have that surgery and are all recovered from it, dear Kay. We'll be thinking of you and lifting you in prayer on the 31st. 

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kay, I'm thinking of you and know I will have to have something done because they told me I had beginnings of cataracts.  I know its not my colon, but I don't want them touching me anywhere.  Gotta get over that.   Your in my thoughts and prayers anyhow.  

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