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If You're Going Through Hell


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Kay,

We are with you and your daughter in spirit and prayer. I am not very good at it, but I will offer up what I can. I have been seeing a counselor for about 7 weeks now, and although she puts the most awkward words together, her prayers are so heartfelt, I always leave better than I arrived. We are with you.

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Kay, I feel so bad for your daughter What a snake he is!

We can never know what goes on in people's minds or why they seem to have lost them. When Debbie's son Paul was a month old, her husband of 14 years came home from work in the middle of the night and announced "I don't love you. I never loved you", took off his wedding ring and left. She was truly blindsided and called us at 4AM with the news. I had been there just 2 weeks before and all seemed well. He had a complete breakdown and ended up in a mental facility for a time. Ron and I helped in any way we were able, but it was my ex's mother who saved her by moving in and helping her with the 2 small kids for a time. I love that little woman, bless her heart(she has Alzheimer's now).

I hope time will soften this blow for her. Somehow we will all pick up the pieces of our lives and go on.

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My daughter thinks he's an alcoholic.  He comes from a family with addiction history.  His job began it and is contributing to it.  The way I see it there is no hope for their marriage unless/until he gets help for the drinking and needs a different work environment.  I believe he loves her but it's not able to surface or connect because of the addiction.  It reminds me of when I was married to a meth addict, they become a totally different person.  I told my daughter that marriagebuilders.com refers to them as WH (wayward husband) and it's as if someone snatched them away and replaced them with an alien!  She said, "That's exactly how it is!"  It's amazing to me that when you read there about the troubled marriage posts it's almost as if there's a script they're following!  So much so that you can see the handwriting on the wall and predict with accuracy what's really going on.  I encouraged her to talk to her pastor and post her story at marriagebuilders, there's seasoned veterans that can walk her through what steps to take.  I'm too close, she needs to hear it from others.

Hearing him called a snake breaks my heart, I love this man, and I guess it'll take a while for me to harden my heart.  I hate what he's doing to her, I don't like the person he's become, but I remember the real him all too well, and my heart is literally broken for him as well as her.  No one is a winner here.

I know from experience we can heal from such wounds but their love story was so deep and went on so many years, I fear the damage it will do to her, namely her ability to trust not only men but her own judgment.  I've been there but not with a lasting deep love such as they had.  I realize it's the drink not the man, but he made the choice that began it all so it still falls on his lap.  Blame does no good though, if he could have seen ahead what would happen I'm sure his choices would be different, but now he isn't seeing, he's dealing with a seared conscience and inability to love.  If and when he wakes up he's going to hate himself.

Karen, I'm sorry your daughter had that experience.  I'm glad she ended up with someone who loved her.  Melissa, with this happening at this time in her life, probably won't get to have children now.  She's turning 35 in June and she has a lot of healing and adjustment to go through.

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Kay,

I apologize. I should not have been judgmental, especially without knowing the circumstances. Sometimes the absurdity of situations just sets me off. I surely hope he will get some help and their marriage can be saved.

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Karen, that's okay, it's just all so fresh, and I've loved him like a son for 17 years so to see him self destructing as well as what he's doing to my daughter and their marriage, it's really hard.  

Marty, Good idea, thanks.

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Kay, I loved my DIL as a daughter for all those years.  In the end, she had to take care of her family but had considered letting us adopt them.  She and Scott both were too immature.  It happens.  Sometimes they can hang together through the rough times, sometimes they cannot.  We just have to support their decisions and live with them too.  More than the couple divorcing hurt by this.  Later on, my DIL told my son she always wished we had been her parents.  They were both two mixed up kids.  And yes, their kids suffered.  No one knows where my grandson is, whether he is alive or not.  His little brain is fried with drugs and he won't accept rehab.  He won't give them up.  I'm sorry divorce has to hurt so. Just like death, in another dimension.  

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You're right, Marg, it does feel like death.  It feels like the second worst day of my life (you all already know what the worst day was.)   Last night I read a special letter Don had written on a hand made card he'd had made for me, it was written in 2004 and he talked about how I was his mom, and the only one who had loved him unconditionally, how he could pour his heart out to me and I'd been there for him.  At the time the kids were broke up (he was in prison) but Melissa never stopped loving him and they got back together, first as friends, but as a couple finally in 2005 and married in 2009.  He adored her, and she stills does love him and wants to make it work, but may not have a say so.  They seem to be going in two different directions right now, her in church and him in bars.  

I didn't sleep last night. I was still awake in the wee hours and when I finally did drift off, I kept having nightmares about their situation.  I know I can't do anything about it, but it weighs heavily on me.  I have had my heart broken, I've been through divorce, I know how she's feeling, but I was always self-sufficient financially and she hasn't been.  They were a team, he did most of the financial provision but she did everything else pretty much.  I worry about both of them.  My son says I don't need to worry about them, but then he's not a mother and he always seems to think with his head instead of his heart.

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My dad passed when he was 64.  He was Mammaw's first born and they all looked up to him because he was a fair man, he fought the devil hard to be one, and Mama fought him hard making him one.  She taught him patience.   (Or at least how to shut out the noise).  But, when he was dying, there was no fight left in him and because of my mother he had to tell my Mammaw to quit coming, her perfume made him sick at his stomach.  I know that hurt him as much as putting my Granddaddy, his very strict mean father, in the state mental institution.  His Parkinson's had made him more dangerous.  Hurt my dad terribly, the sheriff (kinfolks) and my dad took him to the state institution where he gave up the will to live after two weeks.  Again, my dad was so hurt, but he honored the women around him.  He was ever a gentleman (except to his daughters who he was going to beat into good girls).  I'm afraid he never succeeded with that.

But, when he did die at 64, my mammaw, his mom, from then on she was never the same.  Her little mind just dwindled away.  She had lost her baby.  You see, even if you are in your 80's and your son in his 60's, he is still your baby.  I have a baby  that is 54 and one that is fixing to be 50.  I sure wish I could buy her a pacifier that would suit her.  She got her Maw's and her Nanny's personality.  None of mine.  If she had, she would be a coward, and that gal ain't no coward.  

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I'm just "word salading" it this evening and then I have got to decide whether to finish my Netflix series, whatever that is, but sometimes it helps me not think.

On "Grace and Frankie" their husbands leave each wife (colleagues in law firm) because they have been in love with each other for years and years.  Okay, this is two men in love with each other.  The two women are left high and dry and totally surprised.  (And they are my age).  Jane Fonda's character in a moment of drama (which there is not much drama to this series) looked at her husband and said "I wish you had died instead."  When she said that I thought "Oh, I wish Billy had met another man or woman and left me and LIVED still."  My feelings would be hurt terribly, I would probably lose all faith in myself as a woman, but he would still be ALIVE and that would be so much nicer.  Quirky, weird, dare I say queerer, but still he would be alive.  I honestly think I could handle that so much better.

Okay, I've written enough today.  (Oh, I am not out of words, but I am getting too many different subjects).  I'm going to watch Daredevil get his blind behind beat up a few more times.  Yes, I am into the Marvel characters, Grace and Frankie and wait for Longmire to return.  Billy would not have liked the Marvel series, he was a man from the 40's, 50's, 60's, etc., and there were things he had to accept, but there were things he would not watch that I will, so I watch them because he cannot, and he would not.  Like listening to all my 1950 CD's, I don't necessarily like them, but he and I were not WE then.  

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Marge,

I can not do things, go places, etc. that WE did.  I refuse to ever go to another play.  That was what WE did.  I joined a book club. which WE did not do.  No more concerts.  No more music.  Great life I am living?  I wonder how he would be doing in that regard if I had gone first.  No matter.  This is me and this is how I feel.

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Gin, I think I know how you feel.  The things Gord and I enjoyed together just don't hold the same joy for me anymore.  Some things just make me feel more lost and more lonely.
It's difficult because the horses are a big part of what we did together and I can not give up my mare.  It hurts to be with the animals without him but I think it would hurt so much more to be missing him and not have her.  Gord made so many of my dreams come true.  
I wanted a horse for so long and when I turned 46 he made that dream come true.  We had four horses for a time; a very busy summer it was.  We would trail ride together and we had a couple of carriages that we drove as well.  We helped move cattle with them and just really enjoyed the barn life.  I can hug my horse and cry with her, talk about Gord and our dreams and she returns some of the warmth that I so desperately miss.  Animals do not judge.
I know the life style is a lot of work and I am not getting any younger but for now this is one way I can honour my husband and keep some of our dreams alive.
I'm hoping you will find some comfort in your life Gin.     ?

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Marita,

Your life with Gord sounded so special.  I am sure your mare is so  important to you AND a great comfort!  I want so much to honor Al, but I honestly don't know how.  We adored each other and spent every moment together.  We were together 16 years and went to 600+ plays and concerts.  A lot of time was spent in hospitals and doctors.  He loved the garden, which I have given up.  Maybe that is something I can do this year.  I am happy for you that you have that bond with Gord thru your horse.

Gin

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10 hours ago, Marg M said:

Jane Fonda's character in a moment of drama (which there is not much drama to this series) looked at her husband and said "I wish you had died instead."  When she said that I thought "Oh, I wish Billy had met another man or woman and left me and LIVED still."  My feelings would be hurt terribly, I would probably lose all faith in myself as a woman, but he would still be ALIVE and that would be so much nicer.  Quirky, weird, dare I say queerer, but still he would be alive.  I honestly think I could handle that so much better.

I totally agree with you, Marg.  Steve and I had 2 separations, but I knew he was alive and could talk to him.  If I needed something he would help me even then.  Each time we were apart we kept coming back to each other.   We didn't found other people we knew would be with forever, but if we had I know we would still be tethered in some way.  But more importantly....yes, he would be alive.  I so miss his voice.  I almost incomprehensible I have not spoken to him in almost 2 and a half years.  I definitely know I could handle it better if he was still in this world.

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4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I definitely know I could handle it better if he was still in this world.

I cannot comprehend that at my age I have to make all the decisions.  Strange, Billy let me make the decisions anyhow, I am doing no different than when he was alive, but that is the difference, he was alive.  My mama was a talker, almost to the point of being psychotic.  She would not let Daddy watch TV, read a book, or anything.  I promise you I meant her no harm physically, but I once prayed to God if she could just shut up for one minute, not hurt, not die, just be mute until Daddy could watch one show on TV.  He would say "Honey, I am trying to watch TV" and her motor mouth went into 4th gear and off she went saying the same things.  His name was Elvie.  Her main sentence was "Isn't that right Elvie?"  He learned to shut her out but just in time would answer her, and the answer had to always be positive.  I write, but I honestly don't talk much.  But he was always there as a sounding board.  His main problem with me was my worrying.  I still do a lot of that.  And our separation, we still saw each other every day.  I lived in the new RV with the hot water heater I would blow out each day (turn off and on) and he would have to come fix it.  He got such a kick out of it when he found out I was doing it on purpose.  

Okay, gotta drive to the town 50 miles away in a few minutes.  I will have to mute these fingers.

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Dave, I really got carried away writing about writing.  Sometimes I do that, so I thought I would bring it over to my regular old writing thing.  

 

My sister teaches literature, and all the stuff that goes with it at a predominantly black college here in Louisiana.  She wanted to write.  She has written.  She has poetry books, and I think to earn quick money she might have done some smut books back in the early days.  She is my sister and I love her, but I write in the language of a southern woman. (I would say redneck woman but I took a test and it said I was only 50% redneck, so I cannot brag anymore). My sister writes as a super intelligent woman. My grandmother wrote her newspaper's column for her Parish since she was 14 till her 80's and they have some of her writings at different colleges.  You could enter her name and it would bring up her writing from the early 1900's.  My sister is a few hours from her PhD but at her age now, with her health, she won't get it.  But, the love of the paper page, the love of the smell of old books, reading and writing has been passed down through the ages in our family.  Nothing serious, except my sister had some in her early college years.  I use a Kindle because I like the size of the letters and don't have to wear my glasses.  When my dad was dying I would read him Patrick McManus and somehow laughing helped and we went through the Louis L'Amour books.  It helped his pain more than the pain medicine.

C.J. Box was Billy's favorite, but he had already read all the Louis L'Amour books, Zane Grey, all the mountain men books.  We talked to one of the authors of those books that is from Arkansas.  He named his dogs after the mountain men, Titus Bass from Terry Johnston's books (I think).  Terry Johnston said when he killed off Titus Bass he knew he would not live long himself.  He didn't, and he was still a fairly young man.  (To me).  It was like losing a relative.  No more books.  All of Hillerman's books and I have read his daughter's books.  She is not quite as good as her dad but she carries the characters on, Chee, Leaphorn, etc.  

My sister has a problem with her students.  Back in my day we had the radio before the TV and we had imaginations.  Kids now do not have to read and the ones who do are far and few between.  The telephones they carry, all the social networks, they miss out on spelling and using their minds.  They don't have to, Google will do it for them.

I hope you enjoy C.J. Box and Joe Pickett.  He writes an occasional other one that is not about Joe, and he is good.  Books smell better than Kindles and you don't have to keep them charged up.

Oh yes, in high school my daughter used  one of my sister's unpublished poems as her own.  She got an A and raves about her work.  Too bad she could not duplicate it.  

Before C.J. Box there was Michael McGarrity from NM.  They are addictive.  I didn't like his last three though, they went into the genealogy of the man he was writing about all the time.  I'm gonna try reading something other than about widows and widowers, which I have been doing and get back to fiction.  We live too much reality.  

I just went back (Google naturally) and Terry Johnston (age about 47 when he died) was a prolific writer and Billy got each new book as it came out (before Kindle) and Johnston died when he was killed off his main character, Titus Bass, after being diagnosed with colon cancer only about a month later, about the time frame of Billy's diagnosis.  

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Al did a lot woodworking and had lots of tools.  My son-in-law came over today and took a few things.  Then he took other stuff out and photographed it.  I the sent the pics to a friend of Al's and asked if he wanted anything.  I need to send it to another friend.  I am happy they will be put to good use by one of Al's friends.  However, now I feel bad that I am giving his things away.    He loved his woodworking projects!  I am being foolish, but I still feel bad.  This is such hard work!

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Gin, I gave Billy's wildlife CD's, DVD's, anything pertaining to the animals in our area that he studied to the animal "person" (I don't know what you call them) at the sheriff's department.  They were happy to get them.  I cried when I left them.  We had a man come up that I can only call a human vacuum cleaner cause he swept everything that was not nailed down into his truck.  We were not real happy about it, but we were trying to leave and were going to take it up to the thrift store.  He works for the elderly in that town and gives things to them and at this point the kids had all they were going to get.  There were a lot of nice things but I am not going to look back.  I did not want to make any money off of anything, it would be almost like I was putting a price on Billy's equipment and I could not sell Billy.  I still have fly reels I cannot use.  If I had been thinking I would have had his nephew (his same age) come get things he wanted but I was not thinking.

Now, I do not see that big house or the fishing rods, all the tackle boxes, all the things I don't even know what they were.  My son and Billy did not share in the same hobbies, my daughter had what she wanted and I cannot look back.  They are gone.  He is gone.  He cannot use anything anymore.  

The people who have the house have planted so many things and they love it.  I don't even want to go back.  Last month I saw the house but I didn't really see it.  I don't feel at home.  He is not down here.  I will probably move to the bigger city where I can get an apartment with a washer and dryer outlet.  I will hire someone to move me though.  Have not emptied but a few boxes from moving last year.  It will be close to colleges for Bri.  And, I will never feel at home anywhere anymore anyhow, so it does not matter.  

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Marg and Gin,

My problem is just about the opposite. Dana and I were a couple 33 years ago for about 6-8 months after being friends for a few years at work. But I took a job in another state, and she started her Master's program, so we were separated by hundreds of miles. We did visit back and forth for some months, but finally went separate ways to raise separate families. We reconnected last May, but still at a distance, she was in Texas and I am in NC. Both of us were divorced in 2015, but again, only just reconnected. She had moved to TX from Connecticut, where her ex-husband and 2 sons still live.

When she died in December, we had not yet made anything official. So I have no standing, legally speaking, and thus have no rights to anything she left behind. We had of course exchanged a couple of gifts, so I did have a few reminders, but nothing that was HERS. Her ex-husband and sons, who never set foot in her Texas home, just went down 3 weeks ago to start settling the estate, and will be selling the house, her car and (to me) dumping all her belongings. Me, I was only there a few weeks on a couple of visits, but I learned that house because I made some fairly extensive needed repairs for her during my visits. We were going to eventually be together there.

I had shipped a number of tools down there, and bought more for the house locally, but will not be going after them or fighting over them.

Very fortunately for me, her life-long best friend lives nearby down there. She was the one who had to notify her boys and ex of Dana's death. And she had been maintaining the home for the past 4 months. I say fortunately because she took pity's sake on me, and 2 weeks ago sent me some of Dana's water color paintings, some poetry, a play and a number of short written pieces Dana had left behind. She also found and included a ring (very silly, but I will save that for another time) I had given her, plus a pin/brooch I had given her for her birthday last November. Most importantly, she pulled all the hair from Dana's brushes, placed it in an envelope and included that as well. I had asked for some of her ashes, but was refused (and believe me, I do understand that). So to me this hair is the very essence of her. 

Even better than her ashes, because it is a nice handful, and I can take it out of the envelope and press it against my cheek, my lips and hold it against my heart for a moment. I put some of the hair in a pendant and wear it every day. I put more in a slightly larger pendant, and will be adding some of my own from my next haircut. Plus some of my beard when I trim it next.

Why some beard?  When Dana visited me the first time we saw each other again last June, I apologized for having a scratchy face the morning of the second day she was here. She said, "Oh no, I love it. I always wished my husband, and a couple of the fellows I dated before him had beards, but no one ever grew one for me."  I smiled and said, "Well, you're not going to be able to say exactly that ever again," and I haven't shaved since. I am 67 soon, and never ever grew a beard in my life.  Now I can't say that again, either! 

I will be telling my son to bury the pendants and a couple of her things with me. If I am actually buried. A long time ago I was going to donate my body to science, so I may go back to that. If so, I still have a plot next to my youngest son, who died 17 1/2 years ago, so I will ask my son to bury my ashes there, next to him, and include the lockets.

See, Marg, I can whip up a pretty good word salad of my own.

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Why Dave, I'm just plumb proud of you.  You did great.  I'm sorry you missed out on all those years.  Even after 54 years, we still had plans.  Oh, I saved everything personal of Billy's.  Billy had a beard since the early 1970's, but kept it trimmed.  He had a duck call from years ago from Phil Roberson family, I just didn't want him mistaken for one of them.

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13 hours ago, Gin said:

Al did a lot woodworking and had lots of tools.  My son-in-law came over today and took a few things.  Then he took other stuff out and photographed it.  I the sent the pics to a friend of Al's and asked if he wanted anything.  I need to send it to another friend.  I am happy they will be put to good use by one of Al's friends.  However, now I feel bad that I am giving his things away.    He loved his woodworking projects!  I am being foolish, but I still feel bad.  This is such hard work!

Gin, this is one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" things.  He'd probably be pleased with your giving his things to his friends, they'd go to good use instead of sitting around collecting dust, and it'd give them something to remember him with.  But no matter what we do with their things, it's hard.  All we can do is our best.  No hurry.

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Dave,

Your post was very poignant.  Numb and Lost also has the opposite problem of some of us, she has nothing of his to hold onto, and that's tough.  Finch also has had to go through that.  But no one can take our memories or the love we shared. 

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