If You're Going Through Hell

[MartyT]

I'm just glad you're back home safely, dear Marg. Thank you for letting us know ♥

[Gin]

Been a bad today and do not know why.  Nothing unusual.  Alone a lot, lately.  Keep remembering how much fun Al and I had, even when we did nothing special.  We went to over 600 plays together.  Always sitting up front so he could see somewhat.  He was going blind for the last 5 years.  We were able to find local theaters to attend...never downtown.  I guess it is just remembering what I lost that brings such sadness.  Just like all of us.

[Margm]

Gin, I so wish I could take Brianna to those plays.  She loves musicals but I was hesitant about showing her Cabaret and Phantom of the Opera.  Honestly, that music from Phantom of the Opera haunted me forever.  Well, West Side Story (which had really held my interest when I was young so many years ago was just a stupid play and it played out as such.  (The movie).  Sad too.  I had forgotten.  I had watched Phantom of the Opera but got lost.  Les Miserables had some good music but neither of us liked it.  Phantom just carried her away though.  I was sorta disappointed, as much as I had loved Cabaret (years ago), it just was not the same and I had waited so long because I knew she could not understand Hitler's war.  There is one new one "Dear Evan Hansen" she just loved but I hated it.  Of course it is up for every Tony award. (What can you expect from a mainly country music grandmother?)

I just wish we could take an Amtrak train and go to off Broadway shows.  She loves musicals.  I want her to watch "The King and I" but I want her to watch the one with Yul Brenner.  She is dragging her feet at that one though.  Her bio dad was from Thailand.  She knows all the music to "Hamilton".  In fact, she knows the words to all songs for all the plays.  I know we could never get her on stage, but I want to take her to some Shreveport Little Theater productions.  Somehow, I just think her future is connected in some way.  

 

[Gin]

We were so fortunate that we had so many theaters near by.   At least 5 colleges close by and a few professional groups within a few miles.  We went to 1-3 shows every week.  People thought we were nuts, but I guess you have to be nuts in some ways.  Even near the end when Al could barely walk, he wanted to go, so we went.  A lot were community theater and were excellent.  Ah, the good ole days.

[Margm]

Gin, often Billy and I would compare our hobbies with other people.  Lots of people could not understand why we did not want to live in the same house all our life.  One friend, her dad was born and died in the same house.  She had spent all her married life in one house (50+) years.  Yet here were kinfolks, people she knew that wanted to hit the road and go "who cares where."  We were supposed to have a destination.  We didn't ever.  We stopped when we wanted to, where we wanted to and one of my most exciting times was sleeping next to a big 18 wheeler at a rest stop.  I was never afraid.  We had friends that raced cars, raced motorcycles, rebuilt cars, houses, collected horses, raced horses, and all kinds of various hobbies, but here we were, just nomads.  It was fun till it stopped and lots of folks did not understand, but we sure met more folks that did understand than those that didn't.  

We are all different.  I like vanilla ice cream, but prefer other kinds ever so often.  I miss it.  But our kids had already stopped it and we were finally 18 years later going to finish our dream.  I planned to outrun death, but it caught us before we got restarted.  

[Margm]

When you think about it, some of us have not found any happiness and don't think we ever will.  I will read from Alan D. Wolfelt, from his book "Grief One Day at a Time" ever so often.  I keep searching for something and after reading this, I realize I probably am not going to find it, because this is me.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.  The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.  The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.  And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."   Eli Wiesel.  

"The opposite of grief is not joy, it's indifference.  Muting my grief mutes my soul. "  Alan D. Wolfelt.

The shoe might not fit your foot, but unfortunately, it slipped right on mine.  

 

 

[kevin]

Marg, remember Ian Tyson...".If your not Loving, Your just getting up each day, and walking around"....A lot of indifference is creeping into my decision making...Without a partner, seems the accountability Matrix can bend pretty easy...Happy Mothers Day All Mothers

[Gwenivere]

What a perfect word, Kevin!  I've been using meaninglessness and purposeless but indifference is much more accurate.  Asfor making decisions, I might as well just flip a coin for all I care lately.  

[Cookie]

Yes, I feel indifference too.  I can tell.  Certain things used to get me a little excited or interested.  It seems that nothing does that for me now....just going along doing what I have to do.....

[kayc]

It's weird, but after all these years, I still don't feel the interest I used to in things I loved to do.

[Dr Lenera]

I guess I'm relatively lucky in that I stll like to do some of the things I've always done, even before Jo came into my life, notably go to the cinema, writing for a website, and go to gigs and music festivals. I think my life would be far more hellish than it is anyway if I didn't do these things, it gives me things to look forward to, and on some occasions it gives me a reason to get out of the house whereas otherwise I would stay in and avoid the outdoors altogether. Though I do keep myself to myself alot more at these things, interacting with other people not being very easy, and on some occasions I do get home and wonder if it was worth the money I paid for it as I felt I didn't enjoy it as much as I ought to have done.

[Gin]

My newest fretting is having to take my driving test.  I studied so hard for the written test and now realize that I only have to take vision and road test.  I have a cataract in one eye, but see good with the other.  Only use glasses for reading.  The eye doc said that if I fail the vision, he will sign a form saying I see well enough to drive.  The road test is what scares me.  I have my old Toyota (20 years old)- the only car I ever bought new.  I will go next week and get it over with!  It scares me to think about NOT driving.  No one else to take me. Maybe I will look into Uber.  Everyone tells me I am nuts for worrying about it.  Just like our grief...they are not dealing with it.  When I met Al, he could only drive in the daytime because of glaucoma.  Later, he had to give up driving completely. After driving semis for 40 years!  He always said that I was such a good driver.  I will take him with me next week! 

[brat#2]

Good luck Gin, but I'm sure you will do fine.  It is hard though having to do things without the support of our guys, it seems like everything I do now has become such a worry and a BIG task.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Gin,

Good luck with the driving test.  I don't know at what age they make you go through that again, it probably varies state to state.  I'd have to study all over again to even take the written test, it seems it'd be common sense, but probably not, they've probably made a lot of changes since I was young and took it.  If I couldn't drive, I'd have to move, there is no public transportation here and I live out too far for people to offer me a ride.

[Margm]

19 hours ago, Gin said:

 

My newest fretting is having to take my driving test.  

 

I love this.  Actually, I read this last night and was thinking "my newest fret" and I have them constantly.  Scott calls me on the phone.  It is Billy's voice I hear, even just for one instantaneous moment.  I read books on how widows/widowers cope, and really I have my own book written on this forum, it is how we all cope, or try to, or try not to cope..  We want to help ourselves.  I hear a noise in the apartment and I first think "Billy" and in that same thought, "no, it is not Billy, Billy would not live in an apartment.."  In my building (there are numerous apartments (8) in each complex and they are kept up so nice, flowers, bushes, a park in front of my window, across the little street with the speed bumps.  I hear the kids in the swimming pool, playing basketball on the court in front of my window, across the street.  I have a deputy sheriff, city policeman, family that the man drives a security company car, my little boy Jimmy, just back from the front lines in the war we are still fighting somewhere, and Brian, one of mine and Billy's friend's son's friend, if you can follow that.  He knocks on my door nearly every day wanting to know if I need something.  Scott is back in Hot Springs, only about 170 miles away.  My daughter is going to move me back whether I want to come or not.  My granddaughter has to finish the school my daughter started her in.  Still she insists, and makes herself sick because I won't "mind" her.

Scott asked me "why do you let her boss you around?" and I start thinking, that is my life, I have always been "bossed around."  My sister says "poor Marg" and goes into detail how this first born was bossed around and whipped.  My folks were only doing what their folks did.  Billy and I made some big mistakes raising our kids, but they always knew they were loved and no matter what the problem was, we were there to help.  "How will they ever learn to walk if their feet do not touch the floor" was written by someone.  I am getting weary from carrying them and I guess since I was born I have had someone telling me what to do.  

"Now you can find yourself" was what my friend told me.  I didn't feel lost then, today I feel lost because I don't know where or who I am.  But, I still keep functioning.  So do we all..  We put that one foot in front of the other, we get out of bed, we get groceries, we pay the bills, I lift up my head and I talk to my neighbors, I smile..........but, why?  

[MartyT]

Why? Because, dear Marg, you are WORTH it. That's why. And if you don't appreciate how valuable, how important, how appreciated and how loved you are, let us be the ones to tell you. What would we do without you? You are part of what makes this site worthwhile, and that is very much worth celebrating. Ask your granddaughter why. I'm sure she'll have an answer for you, too. ♥ 

[enna]

I believe what Marty says, Marg. So...

 

[Margm]

Oh, you captured what I want to have, a long neck.  Always wanted a neck that did not sit on my shoulders almost.  We get what God gave us and instead of the Native American I wanted to be, my DNA tells me I am a red-headed redcoat.  Oh well, the Native Americans would probably make this red headed, freckled face anomaly stay outside the tepee compound.  

Thank you both. 

What would I do without something to bitch about?  One of the first things my new mother-in-law told me was "you would not be happy if you were hung with a new rope."  I think she was right. 

[Cookie]

Gin:  I can relate...that would make me nervous too.  I'm sure you will do well, though.  I put myself through so much unnecessary worry constantly now.  I am worrying about keeping up with the yard work now, but I can guarantee you that as soon as that is passed it will be something else.  I was a kind of worrier before John died, but it is constant now.  I do the relaxation apps at night and in the morning, journal, etc.  I think the worry is really attached to the loss somehow.  Wish I could be hypnotized out of it.  You said you had a 20-year-old Toyota....I have a 10-year-old Subaru and I worry about it....see what I mean (ha)...I do know Toyotas will go forever.  We had one that the body rusted off of before the engine had any trouble.  Well, enough.  Good luck on your test.  Looking forward to seeing how it turned out....fondly, Cookie

[kayc]

Cookie, change it to Honda Civic and you have me!   I bought mine new ten years ago and they just keep on keeping on!  It has never left me stranded, not once.  I had one over 300,000 miles once, gave it to my daughter, she got it to 330,000 before she sold it to her ex-roommate.  She ran into him a year later, he was still driving it.  Mine is at 186,000 so I'm hoping I get ten more years out of it!

[kevin]

Gin, you will do fine...They actually want you to pass..You have had decades of practice, this is a formality, don't even think about not driving...Your only obstacle will be your nerves , and you will be at ease within seconds... good luck.....(that written exam a little tougher now)

[Margm]

I am going to put this on here in hopes that I won't be hogging someone else's post.  Marty put something on one of my post by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.  I have become so taken with everything he says that I have to include it.  Hope I am not making some illegal infringement copying this.

Dr. Wolfelt’s Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved

Companioning is about…

Being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.

Going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

Honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.

Listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.

Bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles.

Walking alongside; it is not about leading.

Discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling up every moment with words.

Being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.

Respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.

Learning from others; it is not about teaching them.

Compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise.

One of these really stood out to me.  It is "Listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head".  (Also, my biggest fault (that I am aware of) is "filling up every moment with words."  There are many of us that are just totally lost and we cannot analyze with the head, we have to hear with our heart.  At times when I overflow with words I am listening with my heart.  I had lived through two life threatening illnesses.  We brought Billy through a long life threatening illness before the cancer.  I thought we were invincible.  Only human.

[Margm]

I saw this on Yahoo this morning.  I certainly think it is one way to look at the death of a spouse, but I am not sure it is any my opinions.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/teacher-just-called-apos-m-204905793.html

[Eagle-96]

5 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I saw this on Yahoo this morning.  I certainly think it is one way to look at the death of a spouse, but I am not sure it is any my opinions.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/teacher-just-called-apos-m-204905793.html

I struggle with this a lot. Whenever something comes up that Lori did(and I now have to do) it brings back the painful reality that she is gone. There were certain things I was good at and certain ones Lori excelled at and I dread performing those tasks sometimes no matter how simple they are. I guess it's a reminder of the emptiness I feel without her. Whenever we had to return something to the store or make a complaint about poor quality or service, Lori was really great at that as I don't like confrontation. When I think of that it still brings pain but I can also have a good laugh when thinking about how funny it was to see her no nonsense approach to the demand for good customer service. The looks of astonishment on the faces of the people we dealt with that gave her guff make me smile. She was my bulldog. Maybe I'll just have to focus more on the good aspect of those tasks. It's hard but it's something I'm working on. Thanks for posting that Marg.

[KarenK]

The hits just keep on coming for me and my little family. After 4 months out of work, my son finally got a new job. I have been paying his expenses as well as my own. My credit cards are in the ozone layer.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had been having rectal bleeding and severe hip pain for a while now. This is especially frightening to me as both Ron and Debbie died with cancer. He had put off going back to a doctor because he was trying so hard to get a job and as long as he was not on his feet for an extended period of time, the bleeding and pain stopped. This is the 3rd week of his new job and the bleeding and pain have returned. He doesn't want to lose this job, but had to ask for time off. His state provided insurance has changed hands and he must find a new doctor which he will do tomorrow.

In the meantime, he has decided to sell his house so that he and my grandson can live here and we will try to help each other. His place is a wreck, but we have no money to fix it up so will have to sell it to a home flipper, I'm sure. He needs to sell quickly so he's not behind on payments. Fortunately, it is in a prime location and he does not owe a lot on it. I am donating my living room furniture to Goodwill to make some space. Even though it will be crowded, we will make do. We will start moving things tomorrow. There is no one to help except the 3 of us.  I hope our two big dogs can get along. They are not friends yet. If his medical problems turn out to be serious and he can't work, somehow we will make do. I may soon be crazier than I am now.

Kudos to you Gin, for passing your driving test. My license expired a couple of months ago. Just have so much else going on that a valid driver's license is the least of my worries. I remain stunned at what has happened to my life.