If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

Wow, Karen,

You  sure do have a lot of things happening all at once.  Hope your son's medical concerns are not as serious as you fear.  And yes, you will make do no matter what.  I am glad that your son and grandson will be living with you.  You will all help each other.  It is so hard when we have to face this stuff alone!   You will be in my prayers, Karen.

[Margm]

Karen, I was wondering where you were.  Life does get in our way sometimes but having life get in our way means it is still out there..  I think our son got comfortable staying with us for two months and I got too comfortable also.  He has lived with us off and on all his life.  I can live with him perfectly, but his girlfriend, who is in and out, I cannot live with and they cannot live with each other full time either.  I give her credit for hating it in this part of the country so she does not like to come.  They can carry on this kind of relationship, as if they were married, and not see anyone else for 10 years.  But, he did take the RV back to AR and will take courses in Plein-air painting from a man up there.  He is an excellent artist, but cannot rely on that for a living, but gets VA Disability also.  

Please Karen, let us know how your son is doing.  I know you worry.  I am taking Brianna this morning for ultrasound of her tummy.  She is hypothyroid and has periods about once every three months.  Also has gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), so we will have to take a trip to get this done as she has Arkansas insurance.  Will be 18 in July.

Good to hear from you Karen.  

[kayc]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

The hits just keep on coming for me and my little family. After 4 months out of work, my son finally got a new job. I have been paying his expenses as well as my own. My credit cards are in the ozone layer.

I can't remember if I mentioned that he had been having rectal bleeding and severe hip pain for a while now. This is especially frightening to me as both Ron and Debbie died with cancer. He had put off going back to a doctor because he was trying so hard to get a job and as long as he was not on his feet for an extended period of time, the bleeding and pain stopped. This is the 3rd week of his new job and the bleeding and pain have returned. He doesn't want to lose this job, but had to ask for time off. His state provided insurance has changed hands and he must find a new doctor which he will do tomorrow.

In the meantime, he has decided to sell his house so that he and my grandson can live here and we will try to help each other. His place is a wreck, but we have no money to fix it up so will have to sell it to a home flipper, I'm sure. He needs to sell quickly so he's not behind on payments. Fortunately, it is in a prime location and he does not owe a lot on it. I am donating my living room furniture to Goodwill to make some space. Even though it will be crowded, we will make do. We will start moving things tomorrow. There is no one to help except the 3 of us.  I hope our two big dogs can get along. They are not friends yet. If his medical problems turn out to be serious and he can't work, somehow we will make do. I may soon be crazier than I am now.

Kudos to you Gin, for passing your driving test. My license expired a couple of months ago. Just have so much else going on that a valid driver's license is the least of my worries. I remain stunned at what has happened to my life.

Karen, I'd wondered why I hadn't seen you here lately, you have a lot on your plate.  Yes, I remember your mentioning your son's physical problems and that the medical powers that be seemed to be dragging their feet.  I'm glad he got a job and I hope there are legal protections keeping it for him and that he can soon return to it.  The bleeding and pain are frightening and I can't imagine how you are all coping except I know you have no choice.  I pray the dogs get along, and I'll keep your son in my prayers, all of you, really.  Are the dogs both alpha male?  

Karen, you've been through more than anyone should have to go through, I wish we all lived closer so we could help each other.  It makes my problems (mice moved from car to house), everything falling apart here and only so much $ to go around, seem insignificant

[MartyT]

You and your son are in our thoughts and prayers, dear Karen. I know you are worried, feeling overwhelmed and helpless, and my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry for your troubles 

[KarenK]

Robert was fortunate to get an appointment today at 1:45 with my PCP who, it turns out, accepts his insurance.

Kay, the dogs are both female, both about 5 years old. Robert's dog Tatum is a 120 lb. bundle of exuberant energy who thinks she is my lap dog. She attacks me with love. Marley is 75 lbs. of a more laid back personality, but she is protective of me. I just hope she understands Tatum's approach. They are both very territorial to their homes, so this will be a challenge, especially in the house. Our dogs have always had the run of the house as a family member. Will let you know how it goes.

Heading out to pick Robert up soon. Will keep you posted.

[Cookie]

On ‎05‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 9:31 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, change it to Honda Civic and you have me!   I bought mine new ten years ago and they just keep on keeping on!  It has never left me stranded, not once.  I had one over 300,000 miles once, gave it to my daughter, she got it to 330,000 before she sold it to her ex-roommate.  She ran into him a year later, he was still driving it.  Mine is at 186,000 so I'm hoping I get ten more years out of it!

Oh, I want it!!

[MartyT]

Please do let us know how your Robert is doing, Karen. And if it helps, there are several articles online with hints and suggestions for introducing and teaching two dogs to get along with each other. See, for example,  https://www.puplife.com/pages/bringing-a-new-dog-home-teaching-two-dogs-to-get-along

[kayc]

Karen,

My son's dog and mine cannot be together, but they are both alpha males.  I haven't seen problems with females, so I hope it all goes well for you.  What a great article, Marty!

[Widowedbysuicide]

My thoughts are with your family.  An extra prayer will not hurt.  Hugs ?

[Margm]

I am going to put this on this "catch all hell" post.  I watched a movie last night, I watched all of it and the whole thing was not near as good as the first part of it.  Shirley MacLaine is probably one of my favorite actresses.  At age 84, she has still got "it."  Whatever "it" is.  The movie's name is "Wild Oats" and it was made in 2016.  It has Jessica Lange and Billy Connerly in it too.  But, the parts that reminded me of stuff I have read on here happened during the funeral of her husband and afterwards at the wake.  The only sad part to any of this is "it is so typical" of what we all have heard.  It is on Netflix.  I lost interest, but watched it anyhow.  About midway.  It became too fantastical but the first part of the movie was so typical of what you all have gone through, the terribly sad things people say, and I found myself laughing.  I hope you do too.

Please don't think I am belittling the things people say to grieving people but honestly, at the wake the same thing was being said. "He's in a better place."  That irritated Shirley MacLaine to no end.  It was good to see it put the way it was.  If anyone sees it that has not lost someone, maybe they will just hold their tongue, because you really cannot say anything that will help.   

[Autumn2]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I am going to put this on this "catch all hell" post.  I watched a movie last night, I watched all of it and the whole thing was not near as good as the first part of it.  Shirley MacLaine is probably one of my favorite actresses.  At age 84, she has still got "it."  Whatever "it" is.  The movie's name is "Wild Oats" and it was made in 2016.  It has Jessica Lange and Billy Connerly in it too.  But, the parts that reminded me of stuff I have read on here happened during the funeral of her husband and afterwards at the wake.  The only sad part to any of this is "it is so typical" of what we all have heard.  It is on Netflix.  I lost interest, but watched it anyhow.  About midway.  It became too fantastical but the first part of the movie was so typical of what you all have gone through, the terribly sad things people say, and I found myself laughing.  I hope you do too.  

I, too, just watched this and enjoyed it. Sad but funny too.

[Gin]

I met my husband when we were both widowed.  Our previous marriages were rough.  We married and the plan was for him to move in with me and sell his house.  Then we would clean out mine, sell it and get a new place.  Well, fate had other plans.  He had a major heart attack and a quintuple bypass soon after we married.  Much of what he brought over is still where he put it 18 years ago.  There are probably 30 boxes in the basement.  He had so many health issues that we decided to stay put and try to enjoy the years we had left.  Consequently, I am slowly (very slowly) going through his boxes, keeping a few things and giving the rest to Goodwill.  Even though none of these things were "ours", I cried the whole time I was working on it today.  It was as though I were getting rid of Al.  This journey is so hard and does not seem to improve.

[Margm]

Gin, even though I had Billy all my life, for some reason he would not throw away Tee shirts.  Just plain old white Tee shirts, so he put them in the chest of drawers that to me always had an odor.  Not body odor, a wood odor.  I guess it must have to him too because he had 4-5 drawers of just nothing but old Tee shirts.  No one wants them, I am sure, they are old and yellowed from age, but I put them all in a huge plastic box with handles. (Burned the chest of drawers).  I use boxes (big plastic boxes) as tables (bedside and coffee tables), TV tables, and have them stacked against the wall.  I might go through them one day.  I might never go through them period.  Right now I am leaning toward never opening them and just thinking of different ways I can decorate with boxes.  (Remember, I am not a housekeeper), not at all.  And to even open one would be like stirring into something I don't want to cry over, so I won't.  They are not hurting anything and if I do decide to move again, I'm all packed.  

[KarenK]

Gin,

My heart goes out to you. I kept Ron's clothes for a couple of years and then donated the majority to the Hospice thrift shop. My grandson kept a lot of the shirts, so there is a bit of Ron still here. It crushed me to have to sell his collectible items which he loved.

The dog meeting went well. After a short time, they were chasing each other all through the house, playing. No aggressive behavior, just a little jealousy over my son.

The doctor does not think the bleeding and the hip pain are related. He gave Robert one of those fecal smear tests to send in and also put him on some steroids for a week to see if they would alleviate the hip pain. He goes back in a month. He's just going to grit his teeth and try and work. We'll probably look for a realtor next week. Don't have any idea who to trust. The one who sold my cabin is 200 miles away.

[kayc]

Karen,

I am so glad (and relieved) that the dogs are getting along great.  They may find each other best of friends.  Make a rule, if anyone buys a chew toy for one dog, they must buy for both of them!  My son made that mistake when he first brought Skye home, he got something for him and not for my dog, Lucky.  Lucky went for it and Skye looked like he was going to devour Lucky.  Poor Lucky!  She was terrified!  I chewed my son out pretty royally over that one.  It just goes to show that even a genius needs to have things pointed out to him sometimes!  

Oh Karen, I do hope the steroids help the hip pain.  Your poor son!  What kind of work does he do?  I hope it doesn't aggravate his condition.  If he can't work without it making him worse, he should be on disability.

Maybe you can talk to your realtor that sold your cabin and ask if they know anyone in your area that they can refer.  Good luck with that!

Gin,

You have been through a lot.  I didn't realize Al suffered with heart trouble for so long.

[KarenK]

Today, my son started moving their possessions into my house. He is depressed, discouraged, and in pain. In his heart, he has failed. He is losing his home, his anchor, his assurance of a place to live when I die. He worries what will happen to his son when we are both gone.  He tried very hard to stay at his new job, but could not do it. The steroids he was given did not help at all. A few days ago, he was in tears, which are almost unknown to him. He finally said he could not believe what has happened to our lives since his dad and sister died. Ron was the glue that held us together. If he were here, he would guide us through this mess. But he is not and so it falls to me, probably the least wise one of us all. We know there are many who are in worse situations than we are, but this is a low point for this family.

We met with a realtor yesterday. She feels she will be able to sell his place quickly because of the location. In disrepair, I hope a "flipper" will appear that will offer a fair price. There are many in this valley and surprisingly enough, few homes available for them to flip. We will bring some furniture here, try to sell some things and donate the rest. There is no more room here to store things for later yard sales(just too hot for that now).  I will try to sell my grandfather clock that I received as my retirement gift. There is no sentiment there, but the 40 years of blood, sweat, and tears. I have enough of that and it just takes up space.

His next step is to start physical therapy for an unknown problem. His insurance will not pay for an MRI to possibly cement a diagnosis. We only hope this will not make him worse and that he will not lose his insurance completely when he moves here.

Grief comes in many forms.

 

[MartyT]

It does indeed, dear Karen, and you have had way more than your share of it. I am so very sorry to learn this latest news. Not fair. Not fair at all. I am thinking of you, pulling for you, praying for you and holding you close in my heart. There isn't much any of us can do for you besides that, but we certainly can be with you in your pain ~ and you can rest assured of that. ♥

[MartyT]

You know, Karen, since your Ron was on hospice service through Hospice of the Valley, you might consider contacting the Bereavement office there to see if they could advise you, or guide you, or refer you to someone who could support you through this situation with your son. You need and deserve some answers as to what is causing your son's mysterious symptoms. The people there at HOV are so helpful and so familiar with whatever community services might be able to assist you. It just seems to me that there must be some way for your son to get a diagnosis that will put him on the road to better health. Might you consider calling HOV?

[Gin]

Karen,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  I hope your son gets a diagnosis so treatment can begin.

[KarenK]

Thank you for the suggestion, Marty. It is a shame that someone who has 2 Associate Degrees and graduated summa cum laude could not find a job in the field he wanted. He is not a material person and was happy to just have a job to support himself and his son. His jobs have been minimum wage or less which enabled him to receive food stamps and state insurance. I imagine he will lose those when they move here. This state considers only household income(my SS) to qualify for all programs. Foolish as it is, my income is supposedly sufficient to provide for all of us without any state funded assistance. My house payment alone is 50% of my income. I have checked into many of the programs and we,as a family just don't qualify. If it were not for the fact that my former employer pays my health/dental insurance, I would not have.

At least when he sells his place, we will have a small amount of buffer funds to fall back on. Believe me, I am really tired of falling back.  LOL

One day at a time.

[MartyT]

I was thinking more of medical support than financial, Karen. It just seems to me that you need someone who can advocate for your son's needing and obtaining the sort of diagnostic testing he should be having, in order to find out (sooner rather than later) what is causing his troublesome symptoms. I was thinking that maybe one of the social workers on staff at HOV could guide you with some advice on that . . .

[KarenK]

Thank you, Marty. I may be jumping the gun. The doctor prefers to try physical therapy first. He has not actually tried to order an MRI. I am assuming denial as that is what happened when he had a back injury. This may be considered a whole different type of thing. I will still keep HOV in mind for the future if things don't work out.

I'm sure I overthink things sometime. It has become my nature.

[kayc]

Karen,

You are all going through so much, but I can only imagine the despair your son must be feeling.  It feels like he is in a catch 22.  He needs to be on disability to get the help he needs but needs diagnosis to be there.  It's heartbreaking and all of us are a breath away from similar situation.  I have been so worried about my daughter, it's affected my sleep for sure.  It's hard for a mom to watch her child going through so much, and I can imagine how you are feeling about now.  I wish you well in the move and hope his house sells quickly.  I hope and pray they find what is wrong with him soon!

[Margm]

I feel a word salad coming on.  Might need a shovel.  There are so many on our forum going  through changes, good, bad, worse, impossible, movable, and sometimes finding out things about ourselves hurt, but you have to put on your big girl panties (I got a bunch of them) and just accept things for now.  As I realize I am no spring chicken, I might not have time to "find myself" as my friend suggested I should do.  The little verse under that statement is "I ain't looking real hard for me."  Got too many things shoving me along.

Bri's little surgery came out great, but she is still in a great deal of pain and as she suffers from a little hypochondriacitis (like her Mamol), she will suffer some.  She hates to see blood, and I don't like it either. (On myself).  I can handle it otherwise.

My kids left me and Bri at the motel before we left.  I had such mixed feelings of being abandoned, feelings totally adrift, but Bri slept the 168 miles home (no stops, made it in three hours), but had a lot of time to think.  I don't remember talking to Billy anytime I was up there.  Then it hit me the reason that beautiful resort city terrified me so.  I almost died there and Billy did die there.  See, I said that terrible word "die."  Down here in LA, Billy and I both worked.  Sometimes the nature of my job, I was needed at different hospitals and sometimes I worked seven days a week, some evenings.  Other hospitals used us too, when needed.  Anyhow, we spent the first 36 years being apart for long lengths of time.  When he retired, I retired on the same day, but I could not stand retirement and went back to work, but they sent us home to work so Billy and I were together 24/7.  I never was the type of wife that when he retired he got in my way.  We were joined at the hip 24/7.  So every moment while we were in that beautiful vacation paradise, we were together, all the dirt roads, all the little creeks we found to wade and fish, and when I went in the Walmart on Central it was remembered I bought his blanket and pillow for his chemo, passed the Cancer Center, and also the hospital.  I tried going to the other Walmart but that was where we grocery shopped.  In fact, there is not a single place in a hundred mile radius (maybe more) that we have not walked. (Some even in the neighboring forests of Oklahoma.)  I missed Billy so bad the hurt was a constant ache while I was there.  Even the oral surgeon was the one Billy and I had went to at the last.  (For me).  I did not see how I could ever be happy again (still don't), but the pressure in AR was so great on my heart that coming back to our old home, I could breathe again.  This is where both of our roots are, even to the first settlers and a city being named after an ancestor.  It is not as pretty, I am not happy without Billy, but somehow or other he is not dead (see, I said it again) here.  I know, of course, that he is, but you know.......he just might be at work, or I might be, but we were not together constantly here.  

Well, it made perfect sense to me figuring it out coming home.  Kevin, I googled Hanna and I hope it is a place that you enjoy.  You Canadians have a few things on us USA people..  For one thing, I would not hang Trump's picture up on my wall and I think I would put Justin Trudeau's picture up in a half dozen places.  Hey, I realize he could be my grandson, but he sure is nice on the eyes.  Seems like a good fellow too.  

Sure have lost a lot of sleep in the past few days.  My daughter has to have chemo for the brain dermoid tumors.  Not cancer, but will grow bigger.  She cannot take steroids so she suffers a lot of pain with the chemo.  The nights she stayed with us she whimpered and moaned often.  My son is up there with her (he is in the RV at their house), and her partner jumps at her every whimper.  Very worrisome though.  We all worry about our grown "kids."

Heard also from my grandson.  I heard he really looked bad.  He does check in with his PO (not sure what that is), but his little brain has been fried from every drug imaginable.  He has crossed over sanity although they say he does not use anymore.  The damage has been done.  

 

[KarenK]

Marg,

I'm so sorry for what your daughter is having to endure. I know the chemo can be so hard on most people. Poor little Bri with her tooth pain. I can really identify with that. Although Robert was into drugs as a teenager, he changed his thinking early on, so no damage. The dumb thing is I was blind to it all.

Like you, anywhere I go in this state, so goes Ron, but it no longer makes me sad.

My son and grandson are almost entirely moved in here now. Sorting through a million boxes, I don't have too much time to think at all right now.  lol  I got rid of 70 pieces of clothing in my closet(don't know how they all fit). I still have plenty of clothes left. I transferred my coats so he could have the coat closet for their coats. Actually we don't wear a lot of coats in this area. Goodwill will be very happy to see us this week with all the stuff we are donating. At least 2 pickups full. Still have a whole roomful for later yard sales.

Time to fix dinner. Life goes on