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If You're Going Through Hell


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9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Yesterday I lost my doctor.  I only see him every 3 months so I was totally blindsided.  It was emotional for us both, crying and hugs, but I lost a 27 year relationship that feels like a sudden death.

Gwen, that's how I felt when I suddenly lost my doctor of 33 years...I'd even worked for him for four years.  He was a country doctor that did his own lab work, surgeries, even delivered babies back in the day!  You can't find anyone who takes care of everything anymore and comes in any time day or night.  When my MIL was dying of cancer, he came to her home, never charged either!  I miss him so much!  He knew us all through and through. :(

I'm sorry this has happened to you and for all of the other things hitting.  I've had weeks like that where it's constant, it's hard to get through it, but somehow we do, one thing at a time.

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Parents sometimes do not know the damage they do and if you confront them with it, they still would not see.  In my mama's case, she would never have seen, so I ran.  How do I teach my granddaughter how to live when most of the time I feel dead myself?  I do not want her to hate her mama, she is my daughter and she is mentally ill.  The part of her that was real has been destroyed with psychotropic medications.  And, that is the part my granddaughter sees.  I made it out of the frying pan  into the fire, then into wonderful oblivion.  I think sometimes I have lost the ability to love, but I do care for so many people.  She does not want more counseling.  I had to find my own counseling when I needed it the most..  I could not rely on Billy or anyone else.  School starts again in August.  In the meantime this hurts my daughter.  I don't want to hurt either of them, but my daughter cannot see what she does.  The living situation is unbearable to my granddaughter, so I provide a quiet respite.  

There will be a guidance counselor in school.  My granddaughter is interested in writing, musical theater, movies, music.  She will never be able to get in front of people and perform, but a counselor can help her see other avenues to the same goal.  In the meantime my daughter hurts, and I hate that.  

Counseling of some sort is definitely in the plans, possibly the guidance counselor can direct her in a way that I surely cannot.  .........promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. RF

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Some of you might have seen this.  I think it was on a program that advertises on FB, or someone posted it on FB.  I do not have a dog.  We have had dogs and cats in the past and the last dog I loved was one named Bear.  He was a big fluffy black dog that should have lived in northern climates.  He was not our dog, we were his people.  We belonged to him.  A neighbor, drunk, brought her dog over to complain that Bear did not get along with her dog.  Bear did not get along with anyone, but us.  He got loved on when he felt like it, not when we felt like it.  He would come and lean against our legs and we could love him.  We tricked him once and went on our walk without him.  He saw two strangers come up (us) and he was going to run us off and saw we had tricked him.  He turned his back on us and walked off.  We had hurt his feelings.  He would not let anyone come up our steps and when he fought the neighbors dog, in our yard, she drunkingly put a leg between them and got bit, not sure if it was Bear or the other dog but we had to put him inside the house for a week.  He broke through the windows.  We tried to give him to a nice lady that raised Chows.  He would not let her out of the house.  Billy went to get him and he rode in the front seat in Billy's lap all the way home.  We lived on the lake and he stayed in the water, just standing, getting cool.  Louisiana is not a country for Chows, unless you keep them in the house and he would not stay in the house.  One day when Mama was going down the hill to the boat dock, she was walking a neighbors road to the shared dock.  Neighbor lived in the city.  In daylight a raccoon ran out to attack my mom and Bear attacked the rabid raccoon.  Billy took care of giving our dogs shots and maybe that year he did not give Bear his.  He said he did, but Bear died suddenly in the next five days.  He gave no sign of being rabid.  Anyhow, you that have pets might enjoy this story.  My story had a sad ending.  It took it out of me for owning dogs because I loved Bear (when he would let me).  He acted like he was doing me a favor.  After he died, I cried like I had my last childhood pet Midget, and I swore I would not do this again.  I won't.  I know how much my aunt loved her dogs and at the end she would not have one because she did not want to have it outlive her and then not realize why she left it.  Strange phenomenon, when I would go on walks after that, I could hear Bear breathing walking behind me.  

 https://gladwire.com/family-learns-heartbreaking-reason-dog-stares-every-night/

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Oh Marg, that is heartrending!  Bear was his own person dog, like my cat, Kitty is.  We love them for who they are and how they are.  Maybe Bear was infected from the bite, who knows.  so sad but he gave his life for your mom.

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Yes he was, an unusual dog that carried himself like he was king of the world.  But, when he let you love him (which had to be his own idea), he could melt your heart.

When Scott or Billy tried to take the dead raccoon from him, he would not let them.  After awhile he allowed them to bury it.  

Speaking of hearts, I found one I hope is not too big.

heart.jpg

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Me either Gin, but I don't want to think of one having to wonder where his master is and why she has left him either.  Of course, at that time I won't care, but before time I will.  I know Carrie Fisher's much loved dog, her daughter took it, then someone else had it.  Where did I hear it said "dogs are people too"?

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I don't know how's I will react when something takes Steves and my last furry kid.  That will cinch the end of a shared family.  Then I will be truly alone from the life I knew.  Don't even like thinking about it.  Some things that die can be fixed like the battery in his van.  Or our bird singing clock.  Others just suck more meaning on this path.

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This has been a crazy week ending with a good and bad day. My son's home was put on the market a week ago. At least ten offers were made that first day, all of them above asking price. We weighed the pros and cons of each and chose according to offer and terms. He signed the final papers today and will close on Monday. One more step completed in our quest to move to the mountains. After completing a few projects here and having lots of yard sales in the fall, we hope this place will sell and we'll start looking in earnest for a new home. Guess I'd better get with the program and get my new driver's license.

Two days ago, my ancient water heater started to leak. Made a lake in the laundry room before I noticed. A new one was put in today. I decided to wash all the towels we had been sopping up with. The washer drain decided to plug up. Another lake in the laundry room. My son cleared the obstruction and I washed more towels. I am wrung out. Too much excitement for this old lady.

Physical therapy does not seem to be helping my son's injury. He is still in constant pain. I'm so hoping he will get better. He complains very little, but I can see the pain in his face.

And time marches on.............

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Karen,

I hope your son starts getting better too.  I hope he's discussed his concerns with the physical therapist.  Maybe it'll take doing it longer?  

What a week you've had!  Sometimes I just hope for things to be uneventful for a while.  It seems we just deal with one thing and get another.

Kevin,

I can't imagine my life without a dog in it.  My next one will have to be smaller, I am getting older.  The one I have got up to 140 lbs but I have him down to 100 lbs now, he's at goal weight.  I never was one for small dogs, but I'm afraid I'll have to next time, it'll take me to age 80 or so.  I can't picture myself lifting a 70 lb dog at age 80, but maybe one about 34 lbs. I feel I need something to interact with and be responsible for, it keeps me going.  

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My travelling has the animals as an encumbrance, and Kennel costs are $20 + a day.....This is my first time in at least 35 years without a dog....Gave away the dog house already, now getting rid of the kennel......Still have my cat, but not for much longer, Blackie is at least 16........Never say never, but right now my plan is not to replace my Cat when the time comes....

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3 hours ago, kevin said:

Still have my cat, but not for much longer, Blackie is at least 16

I had a cat, King George that was 19, my Kitty is 21 now and in great health.  You may have a while.

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You can never tell, but the cat sleeps 20 hours a day and doesn't seem to eat enough...it can still jump pretty good and its temperament has improved.....one day at a time.... Pretty Hot today.......

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Cats sleep patterns vary greatly, depending on age, eating habits (they sleep after they eat), whether they hunt, if they have medical issues such as arthritis, whether they're bored or have been stimulated with play.  

My Miss Mocha slept a LOT, but she seemed in great health.  Kitty, on the other hand, is awake much of my waking hours, so I'd guess it's pretty individual.

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I have some times put inappropriate things on here.  I know, I know, you all find that hard to believe.  Lots of times I want to go back and remove things.  I cannot find it.  OMGosh, thank you...........and that's all I have to say about that.  

I wish someone could go behind me and delete those things that I repeat 10 times.  

heart.jpg

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Al had 2 good friends, who were also very handy.  They liked making and fixing things.  I had one of his friends come over a few weeks ago and take some of his tools.  Today the other one came.  He took a fancy ladder, heat gun, sander, planes, tree saws, canning jars, other canning supplies, TSquares, pipe bender,  etc. I am glad they went to Al's friends, but I felt bad that I gave it away.  It felt like I was giving Al away.  There is so much more to do, but at least it is a start.  

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Gin, I think I really went a little insane.  Everything I was not supposed to do, things that most people would do, I would do just the opposite.  I never worried about what people thought of me.  Here is the little old widow moving into an apartment, her husband deceased, she could not afford to stay in her house.  I could have.  The repairs that needed done, I could have hired them done.  It was a beautiful paradise, but it was hell to me because he was not there and he had been.  (He was ready to leave also, in the RV).  Definitely not the way he left.  I gave my house away, it is leased, but they will buy it.  They have made so many improvements and if I was a mean person I could move them out when the lease is up and sell it for a profit.  The outside ladders, the one in the garage (at least three big ones) I gave to "someone."  A scavenger man came up and my son had to watch him or he would have taken everything.  He even took the outside watering hose.  I bought myself three Costco folding ladders in three different sizes, sturdy.  

And now, sometimes I wonder what I've done with something.  If it is not in those 15 big plastic tubs with the tops on them, then I have to forget it.  I kept most all his clothes. I actually don't open the boxes, don't know if I ever will.  I bought what I had to have.  Today I was looking for the vanilla flavoring and I remembered, I have not bought any yet.  And, instead of honoring him by watching all his westerns, I saved all his C.J. Box westerns on my Kindle.  I cannot get rid of them.  I read a lot of them after he finished them.  Cannot let them go, cannot read them yet.

We are all strange in our grief.  We are all different.  I try not to bump the scar tissue too often.  

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Chatted with my neighbor who was walking her dog, she volunteered she just bought another one....I laughed and went over the same "last dog' dialogue again...These are black poodles .......Gin, I have donated almost all of Angela's stuff now, saving jewelry till granddaughters older........ I'm giving away my own stuff now..... 

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Kevin,

I am also paring down my clothes, jewelry, household items, tools, furniture in anticipation of a move in the future. I have kept a few of Ron's special things. At least if I die before moving, my son won't have so much to get rid of.  lol

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I visited my dad's youngest sister recently.  We had had a falling out a few years ago.  She is closer to my age, about five years difference.  We are as different as night and day in lots of ways, but age gets to be a common denominator.  She lost her beautiful daughter over 10 years ago and of course she never got over it.  We have the addiction gene in our family and this sweet girl with three little ones got divorced, began drinking, and as many interventions as could be done, as many rehabs as could be attended, it was like a train without brakes.  She died in her 16-year-old son's arms.  He was the oldest.  The family has picked up, life has gone on, marriages, children, grandchildren that this young lady would have loved.  There were no wild parties, nightclubs, it was simply a habit that took a young beautiful life.  Sometimes, and we see it on here right now, life throws us curve balls we can never touch.  Nothing we can do.  My aunt lost her husband later (who did not live with her), she was a difficult woman to know.  Still is.  I have one in my family that is difficult also.  I do think she will be the death of me.  No point in this post except to say a lot of us have lost so much and as the one who said it,, we just put one foot in front of the other.  

In two days we would have been married 56 years.  I had him a lot longer than a lot of people did their mate.  Somehow that does not make it easier, maybe luckier,  Some days I hear those heavy footsteps behind me louder than other days and as much as I wanted to go after he left, I now have......promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. (RF).  I am not afraid for myself, just the one I am responsible for.  And later on, maybe I will be worry-free, like Billy is.  But first...........

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I'd think I'd died and gone to heaven if I could have had 50+ years with George, but we didn't meet until our 40s.  But you are so right, it wouldn't make it any easier to part, that's for sure!

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