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If You're Going Through Hell


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I bought him a card last year and put it beside his wooden urn.  I looked at them this year, didn't buy one.  I know I was lucky to have 54 years when most of you did not get even half of that much.  I think of him every day though, I hear him when a chair moves.  He is not always on the bed beside me anymore and I cannot hear him.  And most of all, I cannot believe he is gone.......but he is. I know he is in my heart, my head, my memory, but he is still gone.  

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My "Grief One Day at a Time" is probably the only grief book I read now.  I don't read it every day anymore.  Today's hit me in the mood I'm in and the personal business at hand, that I have to take care of myself.  Of course by myself. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. again.  I know he has to retire one day, but his books will still be out there and they have helped me as much as anything could.

July 6th "I was never insane, except upon occasion when my heart was touched."  Edgar Allen Poe

"Grief can feel a lot like going crazy.  We find ourselves in a new reality, where everything we thought was up is down and vice versa.  Our thinking is jumbled.  Our feelings fly all over the place.  Our every routine is discombobulated.

It can help to remind ourselves that we're not actually going crazy.  We're grieving.  Our hearts have been touched---shattered, actually---by loss, and our lives have fallen to the ground in a million pieces.  No wonder everything seems so disjointed and messy.

We can remind ourselves that abnormal is the new normal for now,  and that's normal.

When I feel like I'm going crazy, I can stop, breathe deeply, and remember that it's just my normal and necessary grief.

I used to read him every day, now I just read him often.  Today he speaks to me.  My son asks me why I let people boss me around.  I never have known a time I did not have a "boss."  True, Billy and I were finally  partners and the marriage was 50/50, but when we first got married he told me it was 75/25 and since he would not let me work, I guess my untrained mind took on that persona.  Mama and Daddy, then Billy.  Bless his heart, he apologized over and over for being so demanding at first.  He didn't know better and I had always been under my mom's thumb, and if I tried to escape, then I had Daddy's belt.  Don't worry, I was not victimized, I just followed directions until I went to work and then I "got revenge" which was the wrong thing to do.  Now, one member of my family is like my mama and they all wonder why I let her boss me around.  She has come up against a brick wall more than once, but like my mama, she really is mental.  And, no matter how much I claim to be a witch, I really hate fussing, scenes, even the telephone ringing will scare me.  One thing I can do though, I can hang up. 

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On 7/1/2017 at 10:19 AM, mittam99 said:

Marg, I find the bending over is getting tougher but it's getting back up that's the really hard part.

A little over a year ago I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my femur...thank goodness my wonderful hubby was there. Anyway it was a good nine months before I could into the tub (and out) by myself and get up off the floor if I need to get all the way down there to do something. All I can say is it sure isnt a pretty site but I can do it. Fortunate, as I have no one to help me now.  To show how bad it was, at about six months I got on my hands and knees to pick up the tv remote and could not push myself up and my hubby couldn't pull me up as it involved bending the knee which I could not do. This was at 2 am. Fortunately he was able to shove a small foot stool under my bottom and then was able to pull me up without knee being bent. All of this got better when I had a pesky knee screw removed which was causing all the trouble. After this fall it became really obvious how much we depended on each other so being alone is really scary for those of us, in particular, who are not spring chickens...more old hens.

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On 7/3/2017 at 6:35 PM, Marg M said:

I bought him a card last year and put it beside his wooden urn.  I looked at them this year, didn't buy one.  I know I was lucky to have 54 years when most of you did not get even half of that much.  I think of him every day though, I hear him when a chair moves.  He is not always on the bed beside me anymore and I cannot hear him.  And most of all, I cannot believe he is gone.......but he is. I know he is in my heart, my head, my memory, but he is still gone.  

We had been married almost 52 years. This last weekend was seven months. How can it be that he is gone...and most importantly is how can I still be alive when I hurt so bad? Maybe I too am dead and just dont know it but then again maybe I am and do know it. Alas, right now things really "suck" for a better word, a word I used to think was awful. Guess lots of things are changing.

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7 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

We had been married almost 52 years. This last weekend was seven months. How can it be that he is gone...and most importantly is how can I still be alive when I hurt so bad? Maybe I too am dead and just don't know it but then again maybe I am and do know it. Alas, right now things really "suck" for a better word, a word I used to think was awful. Guess lots of things are changing.

Autumn2, I remember and mourn with you. My beloved and I were together almost 26 years. I remember vividly that pain and grief.  Sucks is a good way to describe it as it feels like it was sucking the life out of me.  I  just learned to hang on and hold on.  I didn't see any future in this afterlife. I just wanted her back.  Through working through the steps, sharing and caring here, little things started to change.I found that the same things that provoked such sadness began to evoke a calm and peace. SO many things we did together, I just could not do initially. I could listen to our favorite music, Smooth Jazz.  I drew comfort in remembering all of the many wonderful times we share our lives together.  It takes time.

The pain of grief can either galvanize us to the pain of loss or discover the rich blessing of our shared, loved, and wonderful life. Yes, there is still pain and triggers, loss and tears, but they begin to lessen as you continue on your grief journey through this afterlife. My prayers continue for you as you travel this road.  Please know that many of us are with you in our own way.  <<Hugs>> - Shalom, George

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I second, (well third actually) that emotion! This site is a godsend for all of us. I tried grief therapy and honestly didn't get all that much from it. Not to say it doesn't help, it just didn't make nearly as much difference as the wisdom and words I've read here from members.

When I was a "grief newbie" I received some amazing advice from the "grief pros" here. I don't mean to sound silly talking about newbies and pros but there is truth in that. Grief is in part a massive learning experience with lots of trial and error. When Tammy died, I was a mess. I didn't know if I could ever function without her. I didn't even know if life without her was worth living. And now 28 months in, I've learned much on my own grief journey and I try to give back to those who are hurting. If I can help someone with something I write, it absolutely makes my day.

This forum is filled with people who know how much this loss hurts. And these same people do their best to help ease the pain of others. It's a wonderful wonderful resource.

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20 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

After this fall it became really obvious how much we depended on each other so being alone is really scary for those of us, in particular, who are not spring chickens

Oh how apparent this is to me!  I've fallen a few times (clumsiness, not old age! :D )  and I've found out how innovative we have to be growing old alone, particularly when we're dealing with infirmity and no one to help us.  So far I've managed, although the picture, as you've painted, is not always pretty or easy!  I've survived surgery/recovery completely alone in the dead of winter with snow to shovel and firewood to haul.  I've survived a broken right arm, with a 40 lb. bags of dogfood to buy, get up to the house, and pour into the container...with a stick shift car to drive, and learned you can go without vacuuming for a month.  My latest fall was 5 1/2 weeks ago, it messed up my knee and neck, and it's been challenging getting up/down from my recliner.  But I've done it.  You will too.  If I ever have to undergo surgery again, I may have to hire someone to come stay with me for a while.  I don't think I'd relish a rehab center.  Amazingly enough, my 140 lb dog was an angel to walk when I most needed him to be...when I healed up he was back to his usual self.  Funny how they know when we need them to be good.

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Autumn 2, this aging is quite the challenge.....The other day, I had some severe leg cramps. Now this has happened before but I always had someone around.......Touch of anxiety invaded my person....I was actually without either leg as the cramps were simultaneous. I rolled off the couch  once the pain subsided, and was on my hands and knees.....After 20 minutes of stretches (and lots of water), things returned to normal.....With this hot weather, drink lots of water......kevin.... also keep salts up /gatorade/potassium/etc

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8 hours ago, kevin said:

Autumn 2, this aging is quite the challenge.....The other day, I had some severe leg cramps. Now this has happened before but I always had someone around.......Touch of anxiety invaded my person....I was actually without either leg as the cramps were simultaneous. I rolled off the couch  once the pain subsided, and was on my hands and knees.....After 20 minutes of stretches (and lots of water), things returned to normal.....With this hot weather, drink lots of water......Kevin.... also keep salts up /Gatorade/potassium/etc

Ouch, Kevin!  A quick way to relieve leg cramps and restless leg syndrome is to either buy Magnesium Oil or prepare it your self.  It is easy 1 part Magnesium Chloride to 1 part distilled water, dissolve and put into a spray bottle.  Spray on the affected area and you will have relief quickly... 2-5 minutes. Have several bottles handle and ready to use. My beloved wife, Rose Anne, would get these horrendous cramps around her abdomen.  We did know about this treatment and relied on prayer, heat, massage and Magnesium pills that would give a laxative affect.  Sometimes the cramping would last up to an hour.  It was horrible.

When I notice my muscle begins to twitch or tighten, I will spray this on the area.  I have bad cramping episodes when my work, sweat, heat, is elevated.  - Shalom

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First off, how I feel right now is probably not how I am going to feel five seconds from now, five minutes from now, five hours from now, or any other time that I live.  I have a lot to contend with right now that I know only I can do, or try to do.  This is what I wrote earlier and do not know how long it will last.  It for sure is not advice, I am not that intelligent, confident, or even have enough plain old common sense.  Sometimes you have to do things, like go wash all those clothes, that no one else can do for you, and you need to thank God, or your higher power, whatever that is, that you are still able to do it.  I want to dig a hole and crawl in it.  Often I want to run off period.  But, I just cannot do that.

I woke up this morning with a nightmare, and like most of my dreams, they disappear as soon as I leave that part of REM sleep and get out of bed.

I had someone who knows me very well ask me recently "why do you let people boss you around?" I had never really thought about it, I just existed day to day like I thought we all did. I worry about what this family member thinks and then that family member, then another family member, in fact, I worry so much about all of them there is no more "me." It's only "them." I went from a very bossy mom and dad to a very bossy husband. (I have got to say this about him, he and I grew up together and eventually he became my best friend and protector). I miss him terribly.

Being "on my own" now at 74 does not make me feel free. It makes me feel very vulnerable. But again, I had someone tell me another fact "you drive, you pay your own bills, you shop, you know how to live" and this was told to me by someone who has to learn all of this, so she is in the same position I am in, almost. I have the experience that somehow she has to learn. Being told what to do all my life does not make me feel confident, but I have to be me, whoever the hell that is.

smile.jpg

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Marg that is so true, and it tells us the present is where we live, and make the best of it.........there may not be too many tomorrows that we have control of our events......have a good week end...Hot Again

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1 hour ago, kevin said:

..Hot Again

Well, I guess Canada has to be hot also, but all I can picture is "Heartland" and the cool forests.  Have a good weekend folks.  One thing about these humid Louisiana summers, we keep moisture on us 99.9% of the time, and according to Marty's dad, we must glow 100% of the time, (but I just plain sweat).  

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6 hours ago, kevin said:

On my way to Pharmacy later.....these are cramps that take you down and are after walking long distances in the heat........appreciate the tip, thanks kevin

If the Pharmacy does not have it look for  a health food store or AMAZON.

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Billy made sure that one was recorded each week.  That and Longmire were his favorites.  It has taken me 20 months to go back to it and I cried the first couple of episodes of the last season.  It is such a good clean show.

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Religion spoke here:

I will keep searching as long as I do not make a positive movement.  When the hospice nurse visited my mom she gave me a book and the whole small pamphlet was how sometimes we have anger with God.  For those that are not believing, for those with other religions, this is not important  any more than those that live in Canada have to worry about  our politics..  I am not knowledgeable about either, I am afraid, but really need my faith.  Billy saw over the years that faith was something I needed as much as anything else.  And, he was much more help than the mustard seed necklace, although he was with me when I ordered it.

I joined the group (cannot think of the name now, maybe "Grief Share?") and thought it would be other widows and widowers (I believe Kay holds these meetings at her church).  It mostly was made up with mothers who had lost children, and I came away from the three meetings totally bombed.  My grief was such a minor thing to those women grieving their children.  I had to quit going.  Already with chronic depression and also grief overload, I was not helping myself. My friend who had introduced me to the meeting was perturbed with me, but she is too nice to tell me so.  That honestly does not worry me.  I still get a missive each night from the Grief Share.  Sometimes I save them in my "grief" folder of my emails.  They come late at night and I read them/or don't read them in the mornings. 

Here is the challenge: Do not use your suffering as a time to discover if you believe in God, but focus instead on discovering what you believe about Him. In times of suffering, God does not change, but what you believe about Him, what you understand about Him, may.

You will likely have questions to which you will never receive answers. It is human nature to want all the pieces to fit, to want to make sense of things. But there are times when that will not happen.

 Well, it still has not happened here.  Just like the message that the "young me" was no coward, how can there be so many "me's" in this body we inhabit?  The thing we are looking for, well, in all honesty, we will never have him/her back.  I got "out of sorts" with my friend that told me "now you can find yourself."  (I did not let her know, I am not about confrontations, I get too much of that with family.)  I do not want to find me.  Here I am.  This is the person I don't know what to do with.......me. 

In the meantime, my family pulls me so many different ways I have to file some things in the "remember to do" section of my brain that forgets so easily.  

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Grief Share is a particular organization, my "grief support group" is not.  In mine, anyone with loss is welcome, any gender, religious or not, but so far it's been comprised of women who have lost their husbands.  The men, for some reason, seem not to seek out a group, although they're lonely, they do it in privacy and silence.  We had someone who lost her dad but she decided not to attend because she didn't want to display emotion around others, even though we assured her it was alright to do so.  These groups vary greatly with the people involved, I have to say, I have a really good group.  We connect, relate, are supportive of each other, and have become friends.  Maybe being a small group helps.  We haven't had over eight at once I don't think.

I don't think I'm looking for "answers", although I did in the beginning...it was not forthcoming.  Questions seemed to meet silence.  Once I accepted what was, it was easier in a sense, in a sense, there is nothing easy about this.

I don't view loss of a husband as minor compared to loss of a child...I just don't think loss should be compared.  Ever.  ALL of our loss deserves to be recognized and acknowledged, and to the one suffering, it is the greatest loss there is.  The two losses are very different but both are agonizing.  I have not lost a child that I have held in my arms, but I have lost three very tried for, very wanted pregnancies, and to me it was very grievous.  I didn't think I would ever have a child, and I was born to be a mother, it was hard.  It was hard every time a child asked me, "What's the matter, don't you like children?" or my mother said, "I don't understand what's the matter with you, I never had any problem, neither did your grandmother!" (thank you for that, mom).  Or the "friends" that teased me at a baby shower "Maybe you should find out how THEY did it!"...all while my baby is dead inside of me and they didn't know I was even pregnant.  It was hard enough to feel the child kick and move and hear their heartbeat, only to lose them.  But to lose a child you have raised, or a child you held in your arms, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

But I do know what it's like to lose my husband...a husband I loved with all my heart, a husband that was my soulmate, a husband I clicked with from the day we met, a husband who never once raised his voice to me or spoke to me in anger.  I cherish him and always will.  Nothing easy about that.

I don't look for answers because I don't think there ARE any answers I could understand.  If there ARE any answers, it is surely beyond my brain to grasp.  So I focus instead on what IS rather than what ISN'T.  I deal with low grade depression and sometimes it's hard to find motivation, but I continue trying everything I can to make my life as good as I can, to be positive, to help myself through this.  And I don't know what else to do besides that.  I know God is with me through this, but there's a whole lot left to ME to figure out.

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