Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

If You're Going Through Hell


Recommended Posts

Probably not important, I just finished reading Jessi Coulter's autobiography.  Yes, I kinda did pick it out to see how she reacted after Waylon passed away.  Do you realize that was 2002. Her new book came out this year.  Well, she has not remarried by the end of the book but is open to relationships.  Did you know after Waylon passed away, Jessie (real name Mirriam) read books written by other widows, widowers like most all of us do.  We are looking how other people handle this pain.  And guess what, we all handle it the same way, one day at a time, or one step at a time.  And we just don't "quit" hurting.  I still cannot believe Billy is gone most of the time.  Tomorrow he would have been 77.  He was born in 1940.  Mama and Daddy got married the month before he was born.  And that has nothing to do with anything except Mama could always remember how old he was.  None of his family got past the early 70's, late 60's.  He got to 75.  Lots of things I wish.  But, his mama taught me if you wish in one hand and S___T in the other one, see which fills up the fastest.  Mama taught me magical, imaginative stuff, if wishes were horses beggars would ride.  I miss that part of my life, but Billy's mom was right.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, TomPB said:

Hear you Gwen. Friends and family & therapists say hopeful things. I want to believe but I'm not stupid. I've experienced Susan's love & they have not. I'm very doubtful that the future can be anything like as good. Best wishes TomPB

I know my future will never be as good.  That is the hardest thing to accept.  I am happy for those that find others they can join with.  My mother remarried after 3 years.  One thing I always noticed was she would get a sad look and a something like a shadow would fall over her when I asked questions about my biological father.  She never wanted to talk about him.  I guess that is how she handled the grief that never goes away.  She did do another odd thing by making me aware my stepfather was just that.  At 4 I whole accepted the man I called dad as he was, the only one I knew.  Maybe that bothered her.  Perhaps if she would have waited she could have spared herself some sadness by my pestering her about this other guy I never knew.  More mysteries of grief and how uniquely people handle it.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today is my 60th birthday.

Last year wasn't so bad at 59 but this birthday is noticably difficult without Gord.  I always expected to share our 60's through our 70's enjoying each other's company.  Taking life a little easier and just for ourselves.  It sure makes me sad that we didn't take more time for each other when instead we were looking after aging parents, especially his family.

To celebrate my son has gone for ?.  No delivery here in the sticks ?

  • Like 4
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy Birthday.  I don't know if it will help, it actually does not help me, but mine and Billy's song was "A Time for Us" and we would just look at each other then.  We had lots of time together, but somehow, we only had one year that was "a time for us" but we sure enjoyed the family also.  I have grown to appreciate it more now.  Sure a lot of worries, but they make it where I just have..........a lot more worries, so that takes up a lot of time.  Not griping now.  I miss him.

Happy Birthday tomorrow Gin.  Words.  

heart.jpg

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the birthday wishes.  The virtual cake was delightful.  Quadruple chocolate with strawberries and whipped cream mmmmm.  And NO calories, perfect!

 

Wishing you a happy birthday Gin.  I do know it hurts beyond words but I wish for some little bit of happiness in your day.  ?

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope your birthday was good, I'm glad you got to spend it with your son.  60th deserves something good!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Joyce.   I had to go by the credit union, we have a new widow as the woman I have talked to more than once.  It has only been a year for her.  She told me to put my faith and sorrows in God.  I showed her my mustard seed necklace.  I told her I was unable to move mountains or even small stones yet.  She grabbed my hand and said I would.  I can cry if you point your finger at me, but am able to keep it down in public.  When she grabbed my hand and I left I turned on the car for the AC because I could not breathe I was crying so hard.  I became sorta alarmed because I could not quit and could not breathe good.  I got control.  I got two birthday greetings for him (he used my email) from two of his forums.  I am not going to tell them he is gone.  He had 2-3 forums he wrote to, a fly fishing forum and a "smallie's" forum for small mouth bass.  He used to write to them all the time.  His name was "wingbonebilly" for the turkey calling whistles he made out of turkey wingbones.  He did not sell any of these, just part of his hobby, and he did not kill turkeys but did call them up for our son-in-law when our daughter was married.  We always released the fish too.  I got to where I could not kill those big nightcrawler worms as fish bait, so I finally quit fishing.  Mama said I was baiting my own hook at two years old, so this ole gal has been a creek fishergirl for a long time.  Don't have the heart anymore.  I remember going to sleep and could see the bobber just a bobbing while I went to sleep.  Strange phenomenon.

ADDENDUM:   Had to get my daughter a birthday card for next week, so, I bought Billy one for today and put it next to his wooden urn.  Did not cry.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marg, I know how hard it is to stay strong in public, especially if someone shows you some kindness.  I lost it a little bit at the eye doctor the other day, when she wanted to know what kind of frames I wanted, I told her I wanted the same frames or something like it as they were the last ones that my husband helped me pick out.  She touched my hand, said she was sorry and told me they had the exact same frames still.  I cried and said thank you.  You never know when those triggers and acts of kindness will get you. 

  • Like 4
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Spent my second birthday without Al.  He always made me a home made card and wrote a beautiful poem.  I really got spoiled!  He was unbelievably good to me.  I was never treated so well.   Did nothing special today...health club, monthly grief group and visited a friend in a nursing home.  Going for dinner with some friends tomorrow.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Marg, I know how hard it is to stay strong in public, especially if someone shows you some kindness.  I lost it a little bit at the eye doctor the other day, when she wanted to know what kind of frames I wanted, I told her I wanted the same frames or something like it as they were the last ones that my husband helped me pick out.  She touched my hand, said she was sorry and told me they had the exact same frames still.  I cried and said thank you.  You never know when those triggers and acts of kindness will get you. 

We had ordered some new eyeglasses for George for his birthday, they made his blue eyes stand out, he looked so handsome in those frames.  He died before they were ready, I had to cancel the order, it was so hard, he never got to wear those glasses that looked so good on him.  Instead I ended up getting glasses for myself, the last day of his/our medical insurance.  Triggers...they never cease.

Marg,

I can imagine how hard that was for you.  I never know what to say on these dates..."Happy..."  Happy what?  What do we say?  It's hard.  I'm glad the day is past, that's how I always felt.  Way too hard, I'm glad you got through it.

I was in tears myself yesterday and I rarely cry anymore, just figure it doesn't do any good.  Sometimes I wish I could.  &*$#@! insurance investigator intimated that it was Arlie's fault I fell seven weeks ago.  I lost it, I let him have it, I was very, very angry!  He was as good as gold, he didn't pull, it was their employee and their placement of the scale that caused the accident. They've never said so much as "I'm sorry" or shown an ounce of compassion for what I've been going through due to their negligence.  I have to go through all the medical even without their word to pay for it, I'll incur thousands of dollars of expenses that my insurance will not pay on...in 2 1/2 months I start over with Medicare but I can't wait anymore.  Am going to the doctor today (an all day trip), hope to get X-rays, have to get preauth before I can get an MRI even though the insurance won't pay for it, doesn't make any sense to me, I'm so exhausted from pain, stress, not being able to sleep.  Lord knows how many trips to town this will mean, 110 miles each time, traffic, construction, coming home worn out, my legs/feet killing me, tired.  I'm so tired.  I wish this life was over.  Just so tired.

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay, I feel for you.  It seems like things couldn't get much worse for you with this medical nightmare.  Your life is full of disruptions, pain, worry, and stress.  Far more than anyone should have to endure.  The lack of good sleep and pain are serious issues that I hope you will get relieved.  Your post really shows the severity of your situation both in what you say and in what you don't say.  I'm so very sorry that you are in such distress.  I wish that I could fix the medical and insurance side of your pain.  I will keep you in my prayers and hope you will find some relief soon.  I can imagine that everything is so unbearable right now.  Praying for a great outcome for you Kay.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm also sorry.  I gripe because I have to drive 49 miles one way for Brianna's medical care.  I am sorry insurance and medical has to be so hard.  So many of you have to carry such loads to even get medical care.  I understand, my sister has to do the same.  All I have to do is find someone to take care of me and I've never had such a hard time doing this, but all I have to do is phone, reach out and go.  Just dragging my heels.  I wish this government medical care could be taken care of, but as long as we have a puppet "Punch and Judy" government, things will only be taken care of for the rich, which none of us are.  Words do not stop pain or cause the wheels to run.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read this just now, dear Kay, and I think it could have been written just for you:

Breaking and Mending 11 Years Later by Christina Rasmussen

I get mad at myself when I am afraid.

How dare I feel fear?

How do I even have the right to complain?

I get to live.

He didn’t.

He was the one who climbed the mountains for fun.

He was the one who jumped in the cold water of the ocean.

But I was the one who got to stay.

And he had to leave.

Today is 11 years since his passing and I am going to make this day about leaping forward.

Leaping out of the confines of self-worry and self-pity.

Finding my courage and living in there.

I am going to get used to being courageous.

So God, if you are hearing this I want you to know that I am no longer going to take the back seat on the bus or say no to opportunities.

I am going to jump when I am afraid.

Speak when I would rather not.

Step on stage when I want to be in the audience.

Show up when I want to hide.

Love when I want to feel nothing.

Get messy.

Learn more from you.

Write like this is my last day.

Live as if nothing scares me.

Sometimes I wonder why you chose me to write this letter the last 7 years.

These books.

To travel for 11 years to here.

I wondered about that.

And then I realized you needed someone who would take on the homework after tragedy.

Do the homework.

Share the homework.

Break themselves. Mend themselves.

Break themselves again.

And stand half broken and half mended.

Still willing to write. To speak. To heal.

And willing to break again.

You wanted someone like that.

You knew I would find my truth inside the fear, inside the mending from the breaking.

And I would not run away even if I wanted to.

You knew all of this then, 11 years ago.

You knew I would not break completely.

You were there then but I couldn’t see you.

And I know he is right there with you. Inside the Universe.

I know 11 years where you are is nothing like it is here.

But you know I have been finding my way inside the universe too.

You were right I could do this.

You knew all along.

And now I know too.

Now I am going to turn around and speak to you, the person reading this letter.

The chosen one.

I see you. I see your fears.

Your breaking heart.

And right next to it, I see your courage.

I see you have been doing your own homework.

Don’t stop.

IT IS IN THE MIDST OF THE BREAKING AND MENDING THAT WE RUN INTO OUR DEEPEST TRUTHS. 

That is when we find ourselves inside the universe.

With the one who always knew we would find our way back.

With love to last an eternity,

Christina

[Source: Christina Rasmussen's Message In A Bottle Blog, July 21, 2017]

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Marg,

I can imagine how hard that was for you.  I never know what to say on these dates..."Happy..."  Happy what?  What do we say?  It's hard.  I'm glad the day is past, that's how I always felt.  Way too hard, I'm glad you got through it.

Kay, for some reason this year was harder.  So, it does not always get easier with time.  I'm sorry folks.  I got to keep him for so much longer than most of you.  I am selfish, I wanted longer.  

I do hope you get help with your medical care.  I know you have two children that you worry about too.  

Bipolar does its little lifts and then being thrown down and stomped on.  Their minds are happy one minute, abject depression the next.  There are no happy mediums.  My daughter is asleep right now.  The chemo makes her bones hurt terribly.  She cannot take the steroids that will help this pain, it causes her to have seizures.  Her moods range from planning her next wild trip (and she will do it if someone can finance it), to being so low that only the pain patches and the oral pain medicine can put her out.  The bipolar with both of them is terrible enough, but the physical illnesses compound the problems.  My granddaughter is here because she cannot handle the extreme ups and the terrible downs where words are very hurtful.  Yes sticks and stones can break bones, but unfortunately words can bend little minds completely out of shape, and knowing the one saying them is mentally disturbed does not help.  And, I'm in the middle, my child hurts, but the innocent one needs protected as she has seen too much.  I'm doing what Billy would do, without Billy.  He was such a wonderful father and grandfather.  More people than just me hurts for him.  

My "close relative" has a tremendous education, yet knowing all the knowledge in books does not cover living now.  This person won't ask for anything and my mind is pulled so many ways I am afraid at one time or the other, someone suffers.  

We used to have someone on here that I would call her WW for Wonder Woman and she would call me SW for Super Woman.  I don't know where she is now.  I hope she has found some measure of happiness.  We seldom hear from Brad either anymore, and maybe that is the point we all need to reach for.  Unfortunately, addiction is in my DNA/genes/or whatever part of me that lives, and this forum is it. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, I'm not through.  Gotta throw a little blue cheese on this word salad.

Sometimes thoughts that some might think are "normal" run through my head.  We all know "normal" is a fallacy. (I had to look up the spelling).  I read this written below.

 

“There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.”― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

I thought back to the 1980's when my shrink told me about the same thing.  With the cancer, Billy being in ICU and trying to work three jobs, my little ole mind took wing.  Scared the heck out of me at first and two times driving in my car I got out of having accidents that were impossible to get out of.  But I did.  I was so shook up I called my shrink and then I could not find my way to her office (that I visited at least twice a month, sometimes more often..  I came to the end of a road that jumped over into interstate.  I finally made it there (we had no cell phones at that time), and I told her I knew I was totally bats__t crazy.  I was not crying.  I had experienced the most mind bending, impossible things and I did not want them to end.  I think it was called disassociation.  Unfortunately, now that I need it, it has deserted me.  She told me the brain in protecting itself allows these things to happen.  And, this mimicked what Rose Kennedy said.  

I am depended on, a whole lot.  More than I want to be, but I cannot let these people down.  I am griping about something that some of you people need.  I have PT for my granddaughter now two times a week and also school.  My son will come and stay August, mainly cause he misses his mother.  But, he has a part-time job he has to go to also, so it might not be for long..  

I have rearranging to do in this apartment because Bri's friend is coming for a week.  One part of me says "I cannot do this" and the other says "of course you can, the truth is, you have to and there is no "I can't do this."  (One good thing.  I will retire to my room and read, read for long lengths of time, a pleasure I have not had in a long time.  Billy's pleasure, he had to have his reading time.  And, when we first got married he was jealous of my reading and not paying attention to him.  I miss his loving to read.  

normal.png

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of the reasons I always loved working in and teaching psych nursing to my students, dear Marg, is because I knew the secret that your "shrink" had let you in on: There is no such thing as "crazy" (or "normal," for that matter). There is a reason why "when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity." Some of the nicest, smartest people I've ever known were the patients I worked with in psych units and hospitals. Hollywood has totally distorted the public's perception of mental illness and the mentally ill ~ and "crazy" is a myth.

And for what it's worth, I thought of you when I read this one: How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read it Marty.  Can this old dog learn new tricks?  I don't do things because I want to leave a good memory.  I have no need for any of that, when I'm gone, I'm gone.  Grandma was not a good housekeeper, not a good cook, but I used to have lots of love to give.  Billy's gone and I am sort of at a loss for all the love I used to have to give.  I cannot feel it.  My granddaughter knows I love her, my kids, my sister, but I am not demonstrative, it is like I have lost it somewhere along the way, and I hate that.  The feelings I have for my granddaughter is that I will do anything for her so she can have a life.  She asks for nothing.   She knows I love her but I just feel I have lost the ability to show love.  It is gone.  It has been mentioned by the family, and I have apologized to them but  I know its there, I just cannot show it, and I guess I have been taken advantage of.  I Just think I feel half of what I used to feel.  I don't know why.  

I wonder if maybe that might be why Billy's family never said "I love you" to any of them.  On the day their little girl started school she died with one of the childhood diseases they didn't even know she had. The others were born after she died.  Maybe that took the love out of them..  Maybe they were scared to love.  I didn't lose it after my Daddy died.  But I've sure lost feeling after Billy left.  I don't think I have faced that before.  I truly am half a person.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...