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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

  I Just think I feel half of what I used to feel.  I don't know why.  

 I don't think I have faced that before.  I truly am half a person.

I think you answered your own question, Marg.  I really want to feel as I did before in feeling and showing my feelings.  It's like I lost that ability when I became a half person.  I'm actually still whole, but one side has gone dark.  Like someone pulled a plug.  It was so easy when that energy was flowing in and out me because of my life with Steve.  It was always being renewed.

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Well I feel broken.  I drove 55 miles to my doctor, sat in the waiting room for an hour, finally she comes in and refused to see me, says she's "not getting involved".  ???  She's been my doctor for seven years!  I tried to tell her I'm not in a lawsuit but she wouldn't listen.  She was dismissive.  I cried the 55 miles back.  I had a meltdown last night, wanting my mom, she's been gone nearly three years.  I knew she'd know how I was feeling...so alone, so broken.

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Kay, that's just terrible. I'm so sorry to hear you have to deal with that now. Doctors can be so myopic. Between ego and fear of lawsuits, they often cannot be reasoned with. When my son was hospitalized recently, they wanted to give him a long-acting med in a shot in his arm muscle, and did so. He tried to explain that most shots anymore have negative effects on him, but they just shook that off as all in his head. He no longer takes flu shots because he has reactions to them -- rash, shortness of breath, heartbeats out the roof. I believe it is probably in the preservatives used in shots, probably thermerosol. That's a substance used in vaccines and other shot medicines. It is a  mercury-containing compound, and doesn't affect most people. But mercury is poisonous, and some are more sensitive. I see that as a possibility, but the over-emphasis on no vaccines whatsoever by some seems to have put most doctors on the defensive, so they won't listen.

Do you have an alternate doc you could see?

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Kay,  I am so sorry you are being treated that way.   No more will I take my doctor for granted.  If I say I NEED to see him, he will squeeze me in the same day.  He is retirement age and I will probably be in your boat soon.  Sure hope you find a good doc and get relief.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.  Gin

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Many, many years ago Billy had an operation by an ENT doc who injured his jawbone and caused osteomyelitis of the jawbone, which can be terribly serious.  There was an opening between the top of his gums leading into his sinuses.  We could get no help.  It would not heal.  Sinus infection after sinus infection. The old doc who did the surgery called us himself and told us we had better finish paying the bill. (I had told them we would not pay until the job was finished.) This does not happen, the ENT doc called us himself.  In the meantime we went to an oral surgeon who told us that yes, the injury was inadvertently caused by the ENT doc, but if we sued him we could not get any doctor to testify against the ENT doc.  He sympathized with us, he fixed the problem, but he would not testify if we sued.  Later my sister kept having bleeding after one of my doctor friends put in a bladder patch.  She went back to him, and I knew him personally, and he "does not make mistakes".  I remember him losing his temper as a resident and hitting a wall.  She said she was examined and would never go back to him.  His examination felt more like legal rape.  He was angry, he did not make mistakes.  Come to find out she had female cancer that he did not even screen her for.  This was a case of neglect of the highest power, but my family never believed in suing a doctor, or anyone else as far as that goes.  (I believe in it, but not my mom, dad, or sister).  Mama's words were "you cannot fight city hall."

Kay, I have so many terrible attitudes toward the medical profession.  I wonder where that woman got a new liver when the chief resident cut through her cystic artery.  Who paid for the arm prosthesis when in surgery the automatic blood pressure cuff stayed on and cut off circulation to the man's arm for three hours  during surgery.  I used to see the charts of the people who were suing the hospital.  I did not read them, just knew they were there, huge charts.  Not sure they still take the Hippocratic Oath.  I just know our old family physicians are no longer here.  We had two in my papermill town.  Knew them well enough that when I would not settle down at age 7 for the ether (uggg), he spanked me.  He was part of the family, he could do that.  

I'm sorry Kay, again, but we are being failed by the medical profession and by our politicians.  I can get out in the middle of town and preach against abuse to the elderly and they will find me a nice room in assisted living.  I'm not ready for that yet.  

When I used to have to pull charts for patients in my early working days at the charity hospital, I would have to get a cart to carry some of them.  Elderly people who I had no feelings for.  They were just huge charts, the elderly people.  So now I want to preach for elderly's rights.  It took God a long time to show me that I was not smart.  Smart a$$, but  not smart, 

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Kay, My heart and prayers are with you.  It is devastating when the Doctors don't see or are fearful to stand up for what is right. Sometimes life just sucks. :angry2:  - Shalom

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I'm actually still whole, but one side has gone dark.  Like someone pulled a plug.  It was so easy when that energy was flowing in and out me because of my life with Steve.  It was always being renewed.

Gwen, I relate to you so strongly. After 48 years of being part of Tom and Susan it is just like half of me was ripped out to be solo Tom again. After 48 years of living with creative, playful unconditional love I'm sentenced to live without it. I don't believe that people who tell me I can have a good life can possibly understand the immensity of Susan's love, and of the loss. Best wishes Tom?

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Kay,

Has she lost her mind or just thrown her medical oath out the window? Her behavior is totally unacceptable. I hope you are able to find a new doctor who remembers why they got that degree. Sending hugs, my friend.

My little family and I are still plodding along. Surprise! I got my driver's license. Was afraid that I couldn't pass the eye exam, but had no problem. My son is still having health issues and hasn't been able to return to work. The PT that he completed did not change anything. He's now having testicular pain along with the hip pain and will be seeing a urologist on the 25th. At 38, he's just too young for all of this. I finally made it for my yearly skin doctor checkup(only 6 months late). He froze a pre-cancerous thing on my forearm and stamped me good to go. I go once a year because of a cancer I had removed about 20 years ago.. We found evidence of termites here so I had the house termite treated. In this part of Arizona, it's not "if" you get termites, it's "when" you get termites, so we're waiting a few months to make sure everything is okay before we put the house up for sale. Last Saturday, I made it though my daughter's 53rd birthday. Did not tear up until late in the night.

Life just goes on around me as I wait. I have yet to figure out what I am waiting for. Perhaps just a bit of peace and happiness.

 

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This is not meant to go against the success of antidepressants.  I remember the first time I took them the first pill made me totally undepressed.  That was impossible since it took about four weeks, but I was so depressed that that one pill was a miracle drug in my mind.  Sometimes you wonder who is handling the controls in your head.

Journey's with the Black Dog

Talked to Scott earlier, monotone in his voice. "Oh, I'll be okay" is always his answer. I can hear it though, and I know the painting he loves will be put aside. When you are depressed you don't see beauty. I can remember time and places from when I was a child. Melancholy was the name. Churchill took the name of Black Dog from somewhere, as he had many days of this. Wiley Hilburn, our beloved Wiley, he had the black dog follow him, and he wrote about it. Kelli tries to sleep through hers. My dad used to look at the sky and told Scott sometimes it is gray, sometimes blue. This was his black dog. I don't have an animal as the black dog has followed me for years. I was probably one of the first ones who took Prozac. After enough of these antidepressants you learn that they blunt emotions, they don't hide them or get rid of them, but if you want to cry, you cannot. They take away human feelings. I prefer the black dog. I don't think the black dog ever followed Mama. She would have beat the crap out of it. Mama did rely on her Bible though and did not advertise it, but I think prayer helped her. Kelli loses her ambition for her art and so does Scott. It will pass. There will be moments that the black dog sleeps. I think my sister philosophies it away. My aunt was bothered by this, very bad. I don't know about the ones on Mama's side of the family. Not sure we would have ever known. Grandma suffered from depression too, but she did not look for a cause or cure, it just was and you just kept going. And, there you have the answer. You just keep going.

I remember one joyous occasion. August 31st, 1997. We were doing our RVing. No worries. Close enough to home that they knew we were near. The river flowed to my right, the wind was blowing the trees and some leaves were coming down. Autumn was coming.. I felt as light and carefree as one of the blowing leaves. Sad when you can remember happiness as a day.

And grief is not the same as depression. That is a fact. But, I know a secret they don't share, they are identical twin sisters.

dog.jpg

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I'm torn, Marg.  A magic pill to stop this pain sounds very, very appealing.  I so want to be able to think of him with some joy in my heart.  I think the drawing above is spot on.  The pain is no little thing, it's big, powerful and too big to fight.  I take a lower than therapuedic dose of an AD.  I was on one in the past that did numb me out and I hated it.  I wouldn't want that again because it numbed the good stuff too.

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Don't listen to me Gwen, your doc knows better than me.  But, I told my doc I could not take an antidepressant, I told her all the procedures I had had and my tummy/colon would not take anything but what I take.  She said it was just a small dosed new one that would not tear up my stomach.  Then I woke at 4:00 a.m. with hurting all over, managed to make it into the living room and my temp was 101.8.  What do you do at 4:00 a.m. when you know the doc's won't have a clue about your radiation, colon rupturing, cannot be fixed state?  Then I heard on TV (Gosh, I hate those commercials that tell you all the bad things), and caught the tail end telling if you suffer high fever and muscle aches to call MD immediately.  I had taken two Tylenol (all I can take) and went back to sleep.  I figured either I lived or died, whatever.  Then I read the side effects and the first was constipation.  Nope, did not go back to her again.  Next doc I go to will have a history written by me with the phone numbers of the doctors that told me I scared them and the one that said "we can do a D&C, but if we find anything we cannot do anything."  So, why in the hell would I have a D&C?  Sometimes doctors think they know more than I do......... their first mistake.  :P

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I had a country doctor for 33 years, he listened, he did everything, start to finish, X-rays, lab work (had a lab technician), everything.  In the old days he delivered babies.  He performed surgery, yes, had a surgery room in the back.  I miss him so much, I worked for him for four years way back when.  Now all we have in town are part time PAs and a quack (I used to work for him, I think that's a fair assessment).

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Some days are okay.  The hurting part is still there but not the total despair that was the main part.  Some days are okay.  Definitely got to find that psych doc.    Honestly had one of those screaming into a pillow days.  And, what good would that have done?  Given me a headache.  I don't lack for attention.  I have plenty.  Sometimes more than I can handle.  One of my granddaughter's groups describes how I want to be.  If you think I have backslid, maybe a couple of steps.  I keep hearing old songs my daddy used to sing to me, something about sometimes the hard times won't leave us alone.  But amazing a group of near 20 year old's wrote my song, and I feel it.  A group called 5-SOS:  "I was already missing before the night I left; just me and my shadow and all of my regrets; who am I?  Who am I?  Invisible.

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KayC, first thing I would do is look for another Doctor.....does the form actually require a Doctors signature or medical practictioner?....Ask around your"circle" at the Church for Senior Friendly Assistance......Senior Center?........get your breath then start being a squeaky wheel......good luck Kevin 

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Am not sure what form you're talking about but I do need my doctor's referral for anything.

It's been two months ago today, it's improving, little by little.  I'm continuing to ice the troublesome spots several times a day, continuing to use my foot massager with epsom salts every night.  I've started using DMSO just before I go to bed, it seems to be helping.

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KayC,  if your Doctor dismisses you, I would see any Doctor for a referral , to have an Assessment /Fitness as a minimum.....Can you go to your local hospitals as a walk in?.....Epsom salts work good.......good luck

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Kevin, the only reason I didn't go in Emergency is because of money.  My insurance will not pay.  When I signed up for insurance with the Federal Exchange, I was told I'd have $750 deductible with $2,000 max cash out of pocket.  I found out right before this fall that the Federal Exchange sent a change to Providence Insurance that changed it to $2500 deductible, max cash out of pocket $7150.  No one even told me.  Providence told me I'd have to contact the Federal Exchange so I did, they said they didn't have a record of anything.  I have the print out from them but it has no headings, nothing that proves anything.  They also changed all of my coverages, copays, etc.  I'm stuck with this until Medicare.

By now I have a pretty good idea what's been wrong with me.  I've broken toes and incurred nerve damage in them.  I have severe bone bruising, which can take over a year to heal.  I may possibly have a hairline fracture but even if so, it does not seem displaced, and is healing fine, may in fact be totally healed by now, it's been two months.  Earlier I could not move my leg to the right without sharp pain, now I can rotate it fine.  Now I can get up from the couch using my legs only, that says a lot!  I still feel something in my knee when I push in the clutch, at first it was pain, now it's "something" but I wouldn't exactly call it pain, it's lessened greatly.  All of these things tell me something.  I don't feel there's torn cartiledge or bone rubbing on bone.  Nothing is jutting out, I can walk fine, nothing is visible except slight swelling in my shin (where I suspected hairline fracture), and a little residual inflammation just below kneecaps.  I continue taking Ibuprofen and icing my knees & shin.  I continue my massaging foot bath.  All seems to be helping.  I have no doubt that it is healing.  The only thing I think I'm going to be left with is the nerve damage in the toes.  It's akin to getting a LOT of Neuropathy in one instant.  Some feeling has returned, much to my surprise, but I still have a lot of numbness there, I'm starting to get used to it.  There are medicines on the market that help Neuropathy but although I have that from my Diabetes anyway, I've never been prescribed them, they're cost-prohibitive.  

I've had so much improvement in the last week that it has calmed my fears considerably.  My kneecaps seem to be working fine, thankfully.  What I am left with healing now is the bone bruising.  I never knew that could be so painful!  I honestly would rather suffer a broken bone than that because a break heals much quicker and they can do something about it, not so for the bone bruising.  I've had breaks before, I know what they feel like, this was more painful, it's deep in the bone.  The bad thing about bone bruising is if you fall, you are much more subject to breaks, so I have been ultra careful.  

 

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Kay,

Don't know if it will help but Ron used to take Alpha Lipoic Acid pills for his neuropathy. It is inexpensive at Wal Mart and may give you some relief.

Big Hugs!

Karen

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