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If You're Going Through Hell


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KayC, that system not to user friendly, and of course far too expensive........I just read up  on the Coles notes version of  Medicaid and Medicare,......You are more than well versed on the "systems ins and outs"...........I sincerely wish you the best and appears you are on the mend.......Now, once you  qualify for Medicare , are there still deductibles or thresh holds?.......thanks so much for the explanation...

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18 hours ago, KarenK said:

Kay,

Don't know if it will help but Ron used to take Alpha Lipoic Acid pills for his neuropathy. It is inexpensive at Wal Mart and may give you some relief.

Big Hugs!

Karen

Thanks, Karen, I've added that to my list.  Pretty soon I'll be taking so many supplements I won't have room to eat! :D

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17 hours ago, kevin said:

KayC, that system not to user friendly, and of course far too expensive........I just read up  on the Coles notes version of  Medicaid and Medicare,......You are more than well versed on the "systems ins and outs"...........I sincerely wish you the best and appears you are on the mend.......Now, once you  qualify for Medicare , are there still deductibles or thresh holds?.......thanks so much for the explanation...

Medicare will be much better...if Trump/GOP doesn't mess with it.  It'd be just my luck to have them change everything just as I get there!  No deductible, I'd pay $360/day for hospitalization, $300 copay for ground ambulance, most Rxs have low copays but some are out of reach.  It's WAY better than the other insurance, though.  Max out of pocket $3950/year.  The plans vary but I'm going with Healthnet as it has a plan for Diabetics.  There isn't a one-size-fits-all for Medicare, kind of complicated.  One thing is proving to be true, the checks and balances in this country are working for the moment, they haven't been able to be successful at repealing Obamacare yet...granted, it needs a lot of fixing, but no one seems to be sure how to do that.  Theoretically it made sense, but it's not quite panning out like envisioned.  There's got to be another solution other than what they've come up with, health care is out of reach for most but the well off.  I think they really need to take a look at other countries and study what is working for them.  Ours obviously isn't.

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The models that appear to work , without bankrupting the Governments...are the system in the UK and the Canadian systems....There are waiting times but they are  single Tier systems....Our wealthy who elect not to wait go to Europe, Mexico, Asia, or the US.......Ex Premier of one of the Provinces needed heart by pass, and Flew to Boston instead of waiting( lots of flack but he was arrogant SOB.... I just saw the Senate and there staff have all ther e Medical premiums subsidized....... have good day........Hot next 7 days

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I don't blame anyone for not waiting, if they can afford to pay for it, why not?!  I wish we had the system Canada has.  When I was in Denmark it was that way too, coverage for all, no one had to worry about it.  Laura was talking about Lena's (her cat) health insurance, $43/month and it covers her well...it amazes me that our animals can have good health coverage but not us.

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Was trying to get rid of papers.  Al had a bunch of stuff from the past.  His late wife's cremation papers, old bank accounts and his cremation papers.  Also papers from our last  2 trips to the Boardwalk and Nova Scotia.  I saved a few, but shredded most of it.  These things are so hard to do.  It was like I was getting rid of Al.  I am doing it to save my kids the trouble.  Then again, maybe I should let them deal with it.  Have to find something less sorrowful to do the rest of the day.

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I figure I should probably get rid of 90% of what I have, but it'll be less painful for the kids to do it, they don't have emotional attachment to any of this stuff.

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I am writing on my Kindle.  I still buy books to help the grieving.  Some how it is like hail bouncing off a frozen highway.  Nothing sinks in.  Sometimes it is like I will have to face it all over again.  I found the 6th edition of "Life After Loss" but the best I can tell from what I read is that this edition comes after the death of his wife.  Even without this loss, this must be a leading book about loss.  

This hit my heart because "June Deits -, the only girlfriend, wife, life partner I ever had.  For 69 years she was the center of my life beginning at age 14."  Somehow I saw the little funeral director with his painted on smile, he had just lost his wife of 66 years and went every evening to sit at her grave. I know I will read at this book.  

I wake each morning and my first thought is "no, he is not here."  When Scott is here it is such a reminder that he is part of Billy.  Bri is here with me and I am busy all the time.  I did manage to read one of Billy's novels.  I usually could finish one fast.  Concentration is still shallow.  I'm scared to read this book, afraid it will disrupt the scar tissue, might melt that wax protecting my brain.  

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16 hours ago, Gin said:

Kay,.  You are probably right, but there is SO much.

I figure my son will probably hire a couple of teens from church to help him load it all up for St. Vinnie's or the dump...either that or just get a bulldozer and scoop it out of the house. :D

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I have been getting rid of old VHS videos and realized our wedding video is missing.  I have  been panicky about it.  I went through the bag of tapes that I was giving away and it is not there.  It was not a great recording, but at least I could see Al alive and moving.  I can not believe I could have lost it! 

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Gin, I know that anxiety.  We didn't even take pictures of our wedding.  It was scheduled for the 7th.  (We got married on the 3rd).  My mom and I fussed constantly.  She had the type of mental illness called borderline personality disorder.  It was described in a book, not real sure of the title, but think it was called "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave."  I tried reading it, but it was like reliving my time with my mom.  She really did not want me to leave, so she ran me off.  There was no time to plan.  Billy sold a gun to pay the preacher.  No flowers, etc.  But word got out anyhow, even though the official announcement in the paper said the 7th.  Also, the original preacher was gone, so we switched churches to my hometown church and pastor.  Still, the church was full.  I have the pictures in my mind from 56 years ago.  I still break down, so I will rely on memory.  Mama could take all the air out of a room and I cannot remember anything but my dress anyhow.  But I do know the anxiety of not remembering where I put something, and sometimes, I never remember.  I don't like to tax my brain.   It is almost like a physical pain, so I don't do it.  (will get computer in Sept.  

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Gin, I hope you find it, I would be upset too!  

Marg,  How well I know what it is to have a mom with personality disorders.

My mom:

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
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  • 2 weeks later...

Gin, gonna be those reminders slap us in the face.  I have all the boxes I won't open.  Yet, I kept this piece of furniture, a desk, that is one he picked out at a yard sale.  It was not cheap, but he liked it, and we never went to yard sales.  He saw the desk from the road.  I was looking for a phone number and came across two of his many, many lists.  He was a math wizard and as much as I hated numbers, he loved them.  One list was  a series of lifts and squats of exercising and their names.  Another was a list of health foods.  Could not quit the liquid tobacco poisoning, but we ordered vitamins in bulk from a vitamin company.  He was so calm and laid back, the only time I saw him get in a hurry was to die.  I was positive my radiated, cancer survivor, colon ruptured, septic, anxiety ridden body would go first.  Death respects no one.

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The lighter side Hell, still on my downsizing thrust and ran into a wrinkle.......Found a box in garage all tapped tight but I have no idea whats in it.....note to self,  Labels....Got cards of thanks from two nephews, sent them a wack of fishing gear...Next month bringing them baseball gloves and skates/hula hoops/etc......(more clean up).....Read something that  our kids don't want our household  stuff cuz its Old, go figure.......It takes a concerted effort to downsize because everything has memories.....I still have a number of clothing  items of Angela's to donate.  Everything is progressing....take care every one....

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13 hours ago, kevin said:

It takes a concerted effort to downsize because everything has memories

That's one reason I haven't done it yet...

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Everything has memories and not just the obviously disposable items. Susan did most of the planning for our renovations The walls, floor plans, cabinets, tile, counter tops, appliances, wallpaper, lamps, windows...all Susan. The paintings & pictures on the walls. The embroidered pillows. The plants. This whole place is Susan.

The pointlessness of this new life is really hitting me today. Still can't really believe she died so fast with no warning. I sit down in the living room with a wonderful marriage and in 10-15 min Susan is gone and I'm in hell.

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15 hours ago, TomPB said:

The pointlessness of this new life is really hitting me today. Still can't really believe she died so fast with no warning. I sit down in the living room with a wonderful marriage and in 10-15 min Susan is gone and I'm in hell.

It was all so quick for me too. At 3:29 AM on 04/01/17 I was happily married. At 3:30 AM my world is spinning as Lori was having a heart attack. At 10:43 AM on 04/01/17 I was a widower. From Eden to the desert in a heartbeat(literally). I go on and shuffle through the minutiae of the day but I also ask myself, "what's the point". Every day is another day of me wanting to be with Lori. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. Same thing, different day. Except I can't fathom this movie having a happy ending.

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29 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

It was all so quick for me too. At 3:29 AM on 04/01/17 I was happily married. At 3:30 AM my world is spinning as Lori was having a heart attack. At 10:43 AM on 04/01/17 I was a widower. From Eden to the desert in a heartbeat(literally). I go on and shuffle through the minutiae of the day but I also ask myself, "what's the point". Every day is another day of me wanting to be with Lori. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. Same thing, different day. Except I can't fathom this movie having a happy ending.

Yeah, Sean, not comparing, but it really is a special kind of grief. For one thing it's also trauma. My grief counselor suggested that the intense grief I'm experiencing may be in part because I didn't get to say goodbye over a period of time like when a loved one is hospitalized, and now I'm saying goodbye as well as everything else. Makes some sense to me. The vision of her lying in the bathtub comes into my mind on a regular basis and I stop whatever I'm doing. I have the thought that she could not have died like that unless I did something harmful, tho I know that's not so. I think about how those 10-20 seconds when I was walking to see why the water was on were the last time I was totally secure knowing that I lived in T&S world. Every time I take a shower I'm standing where she was.

They tell me I'll find a new purpose and I say maybe. I think it would be easier if Susan had been less wonderful. 

I'm usually very down-to-earth but I'm looking for signs of her spirit everywhere. The falcon landing on the spreaders of our boat and staying there as we were motoring was pretty amazing. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Doesn't she look like she's watching over me?

Had annual physical today and PCP told me 3 months was normal grieving. Asked if I still thought of her "every day" & when I told him that was a massive understatement suggested  he could prescribe some psych meds. LOL! Didn't bother me since it's way out of his expertise but says something abt the medical profession.

20170723_164115_zoom.jpg

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14 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Yeah, Sean, not comparing, but it really is a special kind of grief. For one thing it's also trauma. My grief counselor suggested that the intense grief I'm experiencing may be in part because I didn't get to say goodbye over a period of time like when a loved one is hospitalized, and now I'm saying goodbye as well as everything else. Makes some sense to me. The vision of her lying in the bathtub comes into my mind on a regular basis and I stop whatever I'm doing. I have the thought that she could not have died like that unless I did something harmful, tho I know that's not so. I think about how those 10-20 seconds when I was walking to see why the water was on were the last time I was totally secure knowing that I lived in T&S world. Every time I take a shower I'm standing where she was.

They tell me I'll find a new purpose and I say maybe. I think it would be easier if Susan had been less wonderful. 

I'm usually very down-to-earth but I'm looking for signs of her spirit everywhere. The falcon landing on the spreaders of our boat and staying there as we were motoring was pretty amazing. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Doesn't she look like she's watching over me?

Had annual physical today and PCP told me 3 months was normal grieving. Asked if I still thought of her "every day" & when I told him that was a massive understatement suggested  he could prescribe some psych meds. LOL! Didn't bother me since it's way out of his expertise but says something abt the medical profession.

Makes me cringe every time I hear someone lay conditions or time-frames on our grief. After everything we see and hear during this process I guess we shouldn't really be surprised. I'm sorry you visualize seeing her there like that. I know the visions are hard and I truly hope those will fade from your mind. I go over the few moments of CPR with Lori in my head constantly. And then the 2nd guessing hits me full force. It's in the bathroom I and guests at the house use most often. I'm in there every day and I can see her lying there struggling to live. I honestly don't think people understand that we went from the happiest we have ever been to the saddest in one second. 

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I am using someone's old computer at home.  You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  I am so sorry for what seems like an incomplete life.  Mine was long and I am really grateful for that.  My problem was I, inside my mind, considered we were immortal.  We had escaped death more than once and I would not accept him giving up.  He was my life and my strength.  I showed anger at him for giving up.  What kind of partner, what kind of person does that? This was a nightmare inside another nightmare, but I have to live that. We all have a cross to bear and a lot of forgiveness for our own mind.

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I went away once a year to my sisters' reunion...he suffered a heart attack right after I left (Friday) and DROVE himself to the doctor, who called an ambulance.  He wouldn't let anyone tell me because he "didn't want to ruin my weekend"!   A friend did finally get a hold of me but I couldn't get my sister to drive me back, I was 4 1/2 hours away...she wanted to gamble.  :angry:  George said not to come Saturday because he'd be in testing all day.  Saturday evening he told me they were going to do a five by-pass Monday morning, I was going to spend the night with him Sunday in the hospital.  When I finally did get to the hospital, Sunday, there were people with him and then they made me leave because they wanted to move him.  I had just gotten back into his room and he was asleep.  He woke up having a heart attack, I alerted them, they threw me out so they could work on him.  I never got to say goodbye.  I never got to tell him it was okay.  I wanted to be there for him.  It was a nightmare from beginning to end.  I worry he felt I deserted him.  I so wanted to be with him!  It breaks my heart even now.  I love him more than life itself.

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