If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

Marley is home with us. We are giving her 3 meds and hoping for a miracle. Vet still unsure what is causing this. Tatum(her buddy) is laying by her side.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Gwenivere]

Oh Karen, my heart feels so heavy for you.  Our babies being sick is so hard.  Holding your family close to my hear.  💕. 
 

Please keep us updated.

[KarenK]

Thank you Gwen. I know you and Kay have been through this with your dogs. It's hard when there is nothing you can do. Just hoping this autoimmune medicine will work. It is very expensive. Vets know how to prey on people's emotions. So far I've spent $2500 and know more is coming. You do what you have to for your furry babies.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Karen, when our babies aren't well it hits us hard!  I hope so much with you...

[KarenK]

I guess old age is catching up and this will be my year. I went to the doctor today for bloodwork and med refills. I've known for a while that I'm in the early stages of kidney disease and he has decided I should start on kidney medicine, so guess I will if it's not too expensive. He is also sending me for a head CT to try and identify any problem that might be causing my double vision(over a year now). I am having severe headaches which I attribute to lack of sleep and struggling to see. Will also be seeing my opthamologist. Time for my yearly eye exam anyway. Somewhere in this confusion is a dermatologist appt. and bi weekly blood draws for my dog. Of course all this can only be done on Mondays(my son's day off) so he can do the driving. Don't mind getting old so much, just the helpless part and being dependent. So for now, life is not dull...just not the kind of activities I enjoy.

[kayc]

I went through that in 1993 Karen, had to get eye therapy, paid out of pocket, ins. wouldn't cover, but it was that or quit work and driving, so no choice.  It took simple exercises to bring my eyes back together!  It took and it held!  I had to retrain my lazy eye and dominant eye to work together.  I still remember the exercises, I told you about them once. One was picking up cheerios with a pick up stick. Another was walking on a beam.  Another was tie a ball to a string held by a hook on the ceiling, use a balancing board to stand on while watching out of the corner of my eye as the ball came back around into my line of vision, follow it without turning my head.  The board was about 2' x 2' with a small square knob nailed to the bottom of it.  That's if you don't kill yourself on it.  But it worked!  Another was follow twine tied to the doorknob, you hold it to yourself and follow it with your eyes, up the string, down the string, do this for a while.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, Karen.  You have a lot to battle.  I’m glad you have your son to help.  I’m really bad at doing exercises on my own.  Haven’t really had any that worked.  You sound    more disciplined.  I totally relate to these things not being the kind of fun we want.    Don’t think those days will ever be back.  I truly hope things improve for 6ou.

[KarenK]

I just read that tornados hit Chicago yesterday evening. I think that is where Gin is. Sure hope she is safe.

[Gin]

Karen,

Scary night last night.   All ok.  There were a few real close.

Gin

[Margm]

Gin, so good to  hear from you.  I guess tornadoes are new to y'all, but it seems it goes on all year here.  Anyhow, glad the weather didn't get you, but your probably used to weird weather, I don't guess they call it the windy city for nothing, and I know winters are cold.  Keep safe and let us hear from you.

 

[KarenK]

Oh Gin, so glad you checked in. Sure not a part of nature you want to experience. Be safe and keep in touch when you can.

Hugs from the "tribe".

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gin said:

Karen,

Scary night last night.   All ok.  There were a few real close.

Gin

So glad you are okay and made it through!  It has to be scary living through something like that! Have only seen two in my life, both very small.

Last night I felt something and looked and it was a pair of mating wasps, flew up by the ceiling, got them with the fly swatter three times but didn't seem to affect it, then they disappeared somewhere in my house. I looked for two hours, no sign of them, so likely in a wall or something.  I'm allergic.  Scary...hard to combat what you can't see. Every wasp/bee trap I've tried hasn't done a thing, ordered another one on Amazon.

[Widow2015]

On 7/13/2023 at 4:36 PM, Gin said:

Scary night last night.

Gin:  Good to hear from you - it's been a while and good to hear you weren't affected by tornado.  Hoping all is well with you.  Dee

[Margm]

I'm writing another "word salad" in book form this time.  I have a few questions, some things I just woke up and tried to figure out myself.  Thankful I can still do this.  How long it will last, I don't know.

Karen, I listened to the news talking about the high temperatures in Phoenix for probably a record number of days.  My sister woke me up yesterday to let me know she was in a hospital room at our local hospital, and bless her heart, she gave me plenty of time to sleep.  It is prudent that she call the ambulance when she cannot breathe.  They are there immediately (less than a mile from her apartment) with the type of oxygen she needs and this is the third time in as many months that she has had to call them.  Our air is like a clear thick soup.  I think if Phoenix had some of this humidity, it might cool off some.  I gave up my meteorologist leanings many years ago. When she goes into the ER they treat her with steroids, somehow in aerosol form, I guess.  This time she has a bacterial infection too.  My daughter is off to Arkansas (as far away from our help as she can get).  She has a teratoma on her brain stem, has had it before and the Cleveland Clinic did a gamma knife removal.  This time she will have something like three months of radiation.  Will stay at a friend's house in between treatments.  Of course, I am worried, especially since she could get the same treatment where we could go take her each day and she could sleep in her bed each night.  She pulls away from family because her mental condition has made her disconnected from her daughter, who lives with me.  She has to  have counselors for the things that have been said to her, bio child of a drug mother.  Unrelenting mental abuse from mother.  I try to stay out of the nuclear fallout and the granddaughter deletes each message w/o answering.  Somehow that makes it worse because a useless fuss is wanted.  Granddaughter is afraid to leave the apartment, won't leave.  

Now, to myself.  Of course my main happiness is gone, will be eight years in October.  Tomorrow is his birthday, and he loved getting presents.  I lost more than just him when he left, I lost my natural sympathetic, empathetic feeling.  I will talk to my friends and relatives on the phone, but I do not want to visit in person.  I have great grandchildren I've never seen. My first was born about 20 years ago.  I've never met her, but when I had "feelings" I remember crying when I saw her picture.  I remember typing this many years ago and it must describe me, the way I am now.  This is not how people who used to know me would imagine me now, but I just seem to have a "flat affect" and remember my grandmother walking around at each family gathering like a zombie, and I fear that is who I am now.  I want to be there for all these people, and I will, but they have to see part of me is still missing.  I grieve for Billy, but after this length of time, it seems like it was someone else.  I am not suicidal.  Like Robert Frost said:  "But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep,"

He will always be only 75, in the real world.

[KarenK]

Oh Marg, my heart goes out to you for all you are carrying! You are trying to juggle way too many balls at once. We always want to be all things to all people that we love, but sometimes it's just not possible. Those we love can't understand that because we've always been there for them before. I always remember bringing my grandson, David home from the hospital 28 years ago and being the one who fed him throughout the nights as his mother was useless. My son did the best he could but at 16, he was a fish out of water. I was exhausted with a newborn and a job at 50 and asked him alternate feedings with me. He replied "But you're used to it". I had always taken care of everyone, but it was not my forever ambition. It just worked out that way.

I truly understand your thinking that old friends wouldn't recognize the person you have become. Maybe you wouldn't recognize them either.

[Widow2015]

Marge: I understand Billy's Birthdate will create extra pain in your heart.  These special days that used to be such special occasions are now such hurtful reminders.  Your plate, as usual, is still full of family worries and concerns.  I am so sorry Kelli has to go through more treatments, your granddaughter is still struggling with her fears and your sister's ER visits.  At lease she knows to call 911 first.  Take care.  Dee

[kayc]

Marg, you kind of described how I feel at times but have never put into words. There comes a time we feel too old to parent others, whether temporary or not.  We're tired. We've been through so much...others just can't understand.  By the time they get it we'll be dead and gone.

Happy Birthday Billy...your Marg never forgets you...never..

[Margm]

I go to bed each night.  Only one night sleep was interrupted.  It was only yesterday I went to bed making plans for the future.  The future is what I'm living in.  I know a lot of us go to bed knowing we have outlived so many people we loved.  I'm not finished yet, cannot leave my granddaughter until she can get a life.  The counselors all say "don't push."  I don't push.  

If Heaven was like I wanted it, then all the Arkansas mountains would be there for us to hike again and the next day other places, again.  We have that quiet fear of hearing the footsteps behind us.  

“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
― Mark Twain

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Margm said:

"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
― Mark Twain

I love this!

[Widow2015]

Kay:  Perfect! 😊

[kayc]

So a new wildfire in a neighboring town, just started yesterday/last night already 100 acres...scary.

Had a yellowjacket in the house yesterday, got him with one fell swoop (fly swatter), so glad!

Didn't sleep last night at all, may go lay down...