Lost my big brother to suicide

[Callie.Rose]

I lost my big brother and only sibling about 3 months ago to suicide. I've struggled with insecurities and anxiety my entire teenage and young adult years and at 24 I finally felt like things were starting to fall into place. I just graduated with my masters, I've finally found a man who loves me, and I just started my first full time job. I was on the path to happiness and then I got the call. I remember feeling like life had just been sucked right out of me. I didn't believe it at first, I thought my mom just really needed me to come home and she thought this would get me there. Silly, I know but I needed it to not be true. Me and my mother had always had a gut feeling that there was something going on inside my brothers head. He'd sit there with a blank stare and when you asked him what was wrong he would snap out of it and make a funny sarcastic joke. He was so good at hiding his depression, everybody saw him as a happy outgoing guy, but we always knew. I miss him every single second of every day. I miss hearing his voice. I miss seeing his smiling face. I know that my parents are suffering a lot more then they show me and that scares me. I want them to be okay, and I don't know how to help them be fine when I'm not fine. I just wish he knew what he was going to do to all of us before he made his decision. 

[kayc]

Callie.Rose,

I'm sorry it hurts so much, I've learned in grief there's no way to circumvent that pain, but to go straight through it.  You can't be responsible for your parent's grief, it's their journey alone to take, just like your journey is yours to take.  You have your hands full dealing with your own grief.  Just showing your parents you love them and care will help them.  Do you ever talk about him with them?  They could be afraid of upsetting you so not bringing it up, but sometimes it helps to share memories.  A few tears and eventually, smiles can be shed, but it doesn't help anyone to pretend it didn't happen or he didn't exist.  He did, and there's not a day goes by but what all of you are thinking of him.

Life from here on out has forever changed, but it won't always stay as it was the day you got the call, or even as today, your grief journey will evolve, ever changing, as you learn things to help you adjust and cope, as you learn to incorporate it into your life.  I have learned to coexist with my grief.

I'm sure if your brother had been thinking about you guys, he would not have put you through this.  But the fact is, most who commit suicide are focused on their pain and not seeing how they can do tomorrow...not thinking about what it'll do to those left behind.  I'm sure he loved you all very much, but this was about him alone...unfortunately, it affects all of you and you're left picking up the pieces.

(((hugs)))

PS Congratulations on your Masters, your job, and also your new love!

[Widowedbysuicide]

I know the pain of suicide and my heart goes out to you and your parents.  

[Annie0707]

Hugs Callie.Rose.