Riptide

[Clematis]

I went to Flagstaff and played the cello at a contra dance in Flagstaff tonight with my band. I actually left early. I have never ever left a gig early. No one seemed surprised and they were kind and told me to have a safe drive home. I live an hour away. No one asked me any questions; I think they understand because they are all pretty much my age or older and have been through their own grieving at some point. They also understand because they played at my dad's Celebration of Life, and well, they are my friends...

But I keep thinking I should explain and I really can't explain why I am so exhausted so frequently and so easily. I think I am getting better in some ways, but the exhaustion is still the same. Is this part permanent? I have on several occasions described what I am going through as being like caught in a riptide, where this strong undercurrent is pulling at you hard and out to sea, while on the surface everything looks normal. Will this last forever? Anyone have any idea?

[enna]

Dear Laura,

I am so glad that you are enjoying your cello. Music is something that has always been so important to me. It has been an avenue of healing during times when I needed consoling. You asked a question that I’d like to say something about ~ you asked if the way you are feeling now is permanent and I can tell you that it is not. I like your idea of grief being like a riptide and that is similar to our grief being like a roller coaster or like the waves in an ocean. We certainly have those moments but they do not last. It is good to know that these feelings come and go. It has been said that because we have loved someone so deeply as you have your dad that the missing of him will be intense. Grief is exhausting. I think that is something that will always be with you. However, it is something we can control. Self-care is so important during this time. Listen to your body. If it needs rest give it the rest it needs. Funny thing about grief ~ we really can look like we have it all together on the outside while at the same time we are falling apart on the inside. You will always have those good memories of your last years with your dad and those are the memories that will fill you with peace when things seem like they never will be okay. 

Anne

[kayc]

I wouldn't say this part is permanent, but it is so early on in your grief journey, it's to be expected.  It's good that you can do what you need to do for yourself (leave early) w/o feeling need to explain.

[Clematis]

I actually felt like I should explain, but it was also rather obvious that I didn't need to explain. It's frustrating that I don't know how to explain. I really don't know why grief is so exhausting. I have always had tons of energy and I guess I am afraid that is all gone, as if I have become someone else. I used to be going going going all the time and now it's not like that at all. I guess I'm looking for a trajectory and maybe there is none available...

[iPraiseHim]

The trajectory for me is to live in today.  I get in more grief thinking about the future I have no clue over.  I have faith that someday my energy will improve as well as my direction in life.  Initially, I was having trouble, breathing, sleeping, eating, and living. I was only getting two hours of sleep a day and I likened it to having my life blown up but I am still here to live it.  I searched long and hard to try to make sense of this tragedy of my wife suddenly dead.  I finally found this forum and with the love and acceptance of many fellow grief travelers, I began to read of others and share my journey. 

Every time I thought of trying to live without my beloved I would dive deeper into grief. I frankly, don't know how I have survived this long after my wife's death.  I just get up, and try to live each day and face whatever comes my way.  I know to face whatever thought, fear, emotion head on and not stuff them down, ignore them, or run away.  It is the price we pay for loving someone so deeply.  This is not a relay or a race. It is a daily journey for the rest of my days. 

I am so incredibly blessed to find, love, and share a life with my precious beloved wife for almost 26 years. My wife's death is not the climax of her life but rather a transition from this life to the next dimension.  I am gradually learning to cherish those things that gave me such angst when my wife first died. And I'm learning to integrate her best qualities into my character.  Rose Anne is in my heart and head. The intense waves of grief, despair, and tears are not as frequent as before.  I trust someday my energy, focus, and direction will return as I deal with this grief every day.  I also, count my blessings each day for there is much to be grateful for. I pray daily we can each find our way through our grief journeys.  Shalom - George

[Clematis]

Thank you, George-that was lovely. I think you were blessed to have someone like her. And it sounds like you are making good progress on your path. I think I am doing ok, but it's a fragile success in a way. I panic rather easily and think I am back at the beginning or at the precipice of some disaster rather easily. This morning when I got out of bed I had vertigo, which was a first for me. I dove back in bed and had another and then a third episode in quick succession. I have had several friends who had this and went on a crippling and frightening search for a cure. I thought, "My life is over! I don't have the time or resources or support or adequate insurance to figure out and deal with this. I'm probably going to just lie back in bed and die from it."

This actually came out ok...I sent an email to a friend who told me about an article online from the New York Times about how there is some maneuver that resolves it. I took a big long nap, dis some research, and eventually got online and found out how you can do the maneuver at home, which I did. I think I am ok now... and if it happens again, I'll know what to do. But, still I was tired from it, and a lot of what I thought I was going to do today didn't get done. Too tired. But Lena (my therapy cat) did go to work at both locations and the people were so happy to see her.

(Nevertheless, I have to say, I keep asking myself, "Why is this so tiring?" At some level I still don't understand why grieving is so exhausting. I am a concrete person... I need some concrete answer... I like my analogy of the riptide, I realize from this forum that the exhaustion is more universal than about anything, but I would like a concrete explanation. Maybe something biochemical...

 

[MartyT]

You might take a look at this article, Laura ~ along with some of the Related Articles listed at the base: Physical Reactions to Loss .

[kayc]

I don't know that it would help to have it explained but suffice to know it does tire you and we need to take extra good care of ourselves when we're grieving.  I'm sorry you experienced vertigo.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Marty! That was a good article and helpful...

Kay, I'm not sure why it is that I feel like I need a concrete explanation for this...I can only tell you that I am this way about everything. I have a relentlessly curious nature. Maybe this is a sign that I am getting better...getting back to obsessing about things like what happens to oxides in glazes in the kiln when you fire pottery. My mother said that before or early on in having children she really hoped that one of us would be creative-because she was. She hit the jackpot- all three of us! My dad hoped that one of us would have "intellectual curiosity"-because he had this trait. That would be me...sometimes it's like a wildfire out of control and it's hard to sleep because I want answers. One semester in college I received an art award for my watercolors. The next semester I received a math award for writing a paper on the historical derivation of the 12-tone scale. You know how if you look at any fretted instrument, the frets get closer together as you go up the neck? It's the math behind that...I started thinking about it and couldn't stop until I had it figured out. Just a little nuts, huh?

[kayc]

I understand.  I'm analytical to a fault!  I remember my sister exclaiming, "Oh Kay, you're SO analytical!!"  to me when I was a child, like it was a really bad thing.  

[Clematis]

On May 10, 2016 at 6:30 AM, kayc said:

I understand.  I'm analytical to a fault!  I remember my sister exclaiming, "Oh Kay, you're SO analytical!!"  to me when I was a child, like it was a really bad thing.  

There seem to be a lot of people who object to even the concept of thinking. I've had this sort of thing said to me throughout my life-like you say, like it is a problem to actually think about something and try to figure it out. To me, hearing that is like someone telling me mot to breathe... It's a reflex

[kayc]

All I know is, I could no more change my being analytical than I could change my voice!  It is who I am.

[Clematis]

I have a lot of doubt and fear about consolidating and moving this summer. I don't know if I can do it, but I have to. I keep thinking about details I don't know if I can handle this. His house had a bad sick smell toward the end but I don't know from whence comes the smell. What if I take it with me? I have been planning on taking his bed to my house and getting rid of mine...is that weird? maybe his bed is part of what smells. How can I figure that out? Maybe I should get rid of his Tempur Pedic bed...or keep it and get a new mattress for it...or just get rid of it and keep sleeping on the bed that I've been sleeping on for 11 years that came with my house-the one I'm allergic to...That makes no sense and I'm about to start wringing my hands. Perhaps I should just go have Lena purr me to sleep...

[kayc]

My guess is that the smell is in the air...have you tried airing it out?  I have an air filtration system, something like that might help, it filters the air.  If he has a good bed, go ahead and take it and if the smell comes with it, try replacing the mattress, but I'd give it a chance.  What do you have to lose when you are allergic to your bed?

[iPraiseHim]

17 hours ago, Clematis said:

I have a lot of doubt and fear about consolidating and moving this summer. I don't know if I can do it, but I have to. I keep thinking about details I don't know if I can handle this. His house had a bad sick smell toward the end but I don't know from whence comes the smell. What if I take it with me? I have been planning on taking his bed to my house and getting rid of mine...is that weird? maybe his bed is part of what smells. How can I figure that out? Maybe I should get rid of his Tempur Pedic bed...or keep it and get a new mattress for it...or just get rid of it and keep sleeping on the bed that I've been sleeping on for 11 years that came with my house-the one I'm allergic to...That makes no sense and I'm about to start wringing my hands. Perhaps I should just go have Lena purr me to sleep...

Being in the cleaning business for 18 years here are some suggestions:

1) turn your Dad's HVAC fan either on Circulation mode or ON this will keep the air moving.

2) Change the Home Air filters.

3) Purchase a product called "ODO_BAN" You can buy the concentrated 1Gal for around $10 and mix it 1:3 ! QT ODO-BAN and 3QTS water.  (Regular scent or Lavender) Use a spray bottle and spray furniture bedding, cushions. etc.  You can spray in the air, counter, sinks, air exchange. You can put it in the washer. It will kill up to the HIV virus. Cat urine, etc.  It is a safe product to use.

4) If all of this still does not work then go to Interlink Supply and buy a gallon of "SUPER DE-ODOR"  It will cost about $30 dilute it 1:3

You can spray the bed, air it out and put a mattress cover and plastic cover if needed.  You need a good bed to get healthy sleep.  I hope these suggestions help.  Shalom - George

[Clematis]

That is amazing, George-thank you!

[iPraiseHim]

Your Welcome. Happy cleaning and moving.  Shalom

[Clematis]

On May 26, 2016 at 3:21 PM, iPraiseHim said:

Being in the cleaning business for 18 years here are some suggestions:

1) turn your Dad's HVAC fan either on Circulation mode or ON this will keep the air moving.

2) Change the Home Air filters.

3) Purchase a product called "ODO_BAN" You can buy the concentrated 1Gal for around $10 and mix it 1:3 ! QT ODO-BAN and 3QTS water.  (Regular scent or Lavender) Use a spray bottle and spray furniture bedding, cushions. etc.  You can spray in the air, counter, sinks, air exchange. You can put it in the washer. It will kill up to the HIV virus. Cat urine, etc.  It is a safe product to use.

4) If all of this still does not work then go to Interlink Supply and buy a gallon of "SUPER DE-ODOR"  It will cost about $30 dilute it 1:3

You can spray the bed, air it out and put a mattress cover and plastic cover if needed.  You need a good bed to get healthy sleep.  I hope these suggestions help.  Shalom - George

I ended up replacing the mattress, but have yet to sleep in the bed, even in its location back in my own house. I am still sleeping in the little day bed, which is kind of cramped because the bedding is firmly tucked in on one side and at the end. Nevertheless it is cozy and I guess I sleep ok in it even though it is a little cramped. The cat is enjoying having that big tempurpedic bed to herself for napping. It just seems like too much wide open space to sleep in. Every day I go and look at it but I never seem to be able to even think about sleeping in it. The room where I used to sleep is now only where I keep my clothes and look for Lena when I can't find her. It's possible that I'd sleep and feel better by stretching out on the big bed but I don't seem to be able to do it. It is as if I were hiding in a little cave when I go to bed.

My dad's house still smells terrible, but I think it is in the carpeting. I will eventually have to spend enough time in there to clean out what is left. Maybe it will get better by sitting there? Or when the weather cools off and is drier? I never tried the other things you suggested...when I read this before I was just thinking about the mattress, which I replaced. but maybe I should think about the rest for his house...