My first Mother's Day without my mom

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

This is a letter I wrote to my mom, getting all my jumbled emotions into words as I've struggled this week. Ads for "gifts for Mom" everywhere and emails about Mother's Day sales. I just want to climb under a rock. And I shouldn't do that! My mom was always telling me that one of my great great grandmothers was part of the effort to make it a holiday. It should be a day I appreciate. Anyway, this is what I wrote. It may resonate with some of you who have lost your mom and are reminded of it right now.

 

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

I find it really tough being without you so soon. You got shortchanged by 20/30 years. It really isn't fair. We've lost the best part of our family. The woman with the biggest heart in the history of the world is gone. Billy Joel was obviously right. Only the good die young. You were too wonderful to make it to old age.

It breaks my heart thinking that I have to get through the rest of my life without our inside jokes, our deep conversations, our silly nonsense conversations, and the unconditional mother/daughter love that we shared. You always poked fun at the fact that I wasn't a huggy person. Unless I'm with a significant other, that's true. Stay away from me! But I would kill for a mom hug right now. Just one more.

Since I was a little girl, you pretty much always had the biggest chunk of my heart. You got me. I got you. When every thing else failed, you could always be counted on. You were a refuge. As I reached adulthood, you became my buddy. We could talk for hours and I wouldn't get bored or have to subtly check my watch. It was just fun to be with you.

Ever since I was little, I loved picking out the perfect gift for you, making you something, or creating a silly little card. After you died and I had to look through your stuff, I realized you'd get kept all of them. My tears brimmed with love when I saw everything that you saved. I'm so happy that they meant as much to you as they meant to me while I made them. It broke my heart more than I can say that you died two days before Christmas and didn't get to open my present or the stocking stuffers I tried to pick out the day before you died, when we really thought you'd make it to Christmas. It breaks my heart even more knowing that I can no longer make anything for you, pick out a silly card, make a silly card, or buy you a funny present that would make you laugh. I can only leave flowers at your grave. You're not supposed to have a grave yet, Mom.

I've cried every day since you left us. Every day. Quite often, it's been an all day thing. It even happens now, and it's been four and a half months. You told us not to cry and be sad when you died. Well, then, Mom, you shouldn't have been so amazing. As I cry those tears, though, I am filled with so much gratitude. You were so kind, so loving, so selfless, so strong, and you always did the right thing. It is impossible for me to have had a better woman to look up to. You were so pure-hearted and oozing with love. You put everyone first. You laughed through your four years of awful cancer treatments and side effects. You found the bright side of everything and tried to help everyone else do the same thing. You loved making complete strangers smile and laugh.

So Mom, what's the bright side of all this? I had you for 29 years. You taught me what it is to be a woman, to be a loving person, to care for others, and to keep going with a smile and a laugh. I'll keep going with a smile and a laugh as I hold close to all of your cards, notes, homemade blankets and other lovely things you've made for me. I'll hold your memory close to my heart. I'll try my very best to live with love and kindness like you did.

If anyone deserved heaven, it's you. I hope you're having a lovely Mother's Day with Grandma and your grandmothers. Just remember if you see us cry down here, it's because we love you so much. And that will never, ever change. You mean the world to us and always will.

I love you, Mom. Thank you for giving your all to dad and the six of us.

[enna]

Your letter to your mom just touched my heart. It is beautiful and opened the floodgates as I reflected on my dear mother not being with me here on this earth. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I hope many people will read the letter you wrote to your Mom and be comforted as I was. 

Anne

[kayc]

That is beautiful.  I like writing to my George, I figure it helps to express myself and I like to think that he can read it.   I hope you are surrounded with good memories today.

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

I hope you ladies handle this day okay and are filled with nice memories of your moms. Hugs! Kayc, it is nice writing to our loved ones, isn't it? I like to think they can read it, too.

[Mom's angel]

You're letter is beautiful,

It seems like it has been written by me, every word is relatable.

I also prepared cards for her, on her birthday, anniversary, mother's day with crayons and color pencils. They were not so good but she admired them.

My mom also died during a festival week. 

You express your emotions beautifully.