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My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 9 and she died when I was 14.

It was December 4th, 2008, on a Thursday... The wake was that following Sunday and we were at the funeral home from 9AM to 9PM so it was a long day. My mom wanted to be cremated so her urn was on a table with flowers and candles. There were two adjoining rooms to the room with her in it and we stayed there all day while people came in and out giving their condolences. The wake was weird to me because I don't remember being with anyone... I just remember being alone... I had lost everything... 

I remember one anniversary of my moms death in particular when I still lived with my Dad. I was alone that day and I just cried all day long and decorated the house for Christmas like my mom used to when I was young. Every year holidays are hard and I remember a life that seems so far away... all the comforts of a mother that I've been without for so long... 

Anyway, so that's the uber short versions of my story... right now I am 22 and married and this December it will be 8 years since my mom died and I'm writing this post because mother's day just past and it was very hard on me this year. I had to work and I work retail and all day moms and their daughters came in and out and it's just a reminder of what I don't have. My Dad finally put my mom's urn into a mausoleum a couple months ago and I haven't been to see her yet because I'm nervous. I think it taking so long for my mom to be in a graveyard has made it exceptionally difficult for me to deal with the grief I still feel. Every day since mother's day I've told myself I'll go see her for the first time but I still haven't.

My husband wants me to be happy that my mom is in heaven and I am but sometimes I still think what about me? I'm still without her... shes not here with me... there are so many things she's missed and I'll never get to know her and an adult. I had to grow through my teenage years alone and it's hard to be happy for others and their childhoods when all I can remember about mine is pain and loneliness. I miss my mom everyday and sometimes I still can't sleep because all I can do is think about it... sometimes it's hard to be happy when she's not here to talk to, or spend time with, or get to know...

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I'm sorry...I know that is one of the losses that seems to just be ongoing.  You're right, your feelings are valid.

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Dear Vicky,

Let me first say that I am so very sorry that your mother has died. You were very young and it hurts my heart that you had to live without the loving care of your mother. Your post indicates that you were a very caring daughter as your mom became sicker. I don’t think anyone would expect children who are so young to care for an ill parent. This had to be hard for you. I don’t care how long ago it was I hope you will find a caring grief counselor and talk to her/him about your feelings. It is so important that how you are feeling is validated. I don’t know how you found your way here but I am so glad you did. This forum listens and allows you to talk about how you are feeling. Many will understand and help you to know that you are not alone. I am happy that you are in a good place now ~ good for you. It is still important that you find a way to have your feelings validated. Mother’s Day is a hard day for any of us who have lost a mother. Your pain and loneliness need to be acknowledged.

Hugs to you and come here to share your thoughts. There is always someone who will listen.

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Vicky, my dear, first let me echo Kay and Anne in extending my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mother, especially when you were so young.

You say you've "seen a few different grief counselors" and I sincerely hope that as you've done so over the years, you've come to some understanding of what you are feeling and why. I also want to emphasize that you're never really "done" with a loss like this, as the sadness of losing your mother will revisit you at important points throughout your life, for the rest of your life. But the good news is that it's never too late to do the work that grief requires, because your grief doesn't "go" anywhere. It just waits for you to deal with it. So I hope you will give yourself permission to mourn your mother if and whenever you feel your grief bubbling up again ~ and feel okay about sharing your concerns and seeking support if and when you feel the need. There is no shame in returning to a grief counselor for a "tune-up" every now and then, and certainly no shame in working with a therapist for a few sessions either. 

I'd like you to read a piece that was written by another of our members some time ago. He speaks so eloquently about what happened when he finally allowed himself to confront and deal with a loss he'd experienced twenty years before: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief 

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