Falling

[MartyT]

Laura, my dear, the observing of your father's Yahrzeit with your friend Greg and his family sounds lovely, and it's such a beautiful way to remember and honor your dad. Your post reminds me of a wonderful book a client recommended to me some years ago: Mourning & Mitzvah (2nd Ed): A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner's Path Through Grief to Healing. It speaks not only to Jews but to anyone with or without their own religious traditions, and serves as a beautiful guide toward healing for anyone who has suffered significant loss.  ♥

[Clematis]

I keep thinking about the night my dad died. I spent the afternoon with him at the rehab hospital, spoon fed him dinner, and then drove home. Sometimes I feel like I am reliving it and am not sure why exactly. I tried to get hold of my sisters. My dad told me that his father was in the room with us and I had a bad feeling about that. I asked the charge nurse if he was ok and she said he was. I should have tried to spend the night there in the room with him but I was so so tired. There had been so many late nights in ERs and hospitals and late night paramedics at my house or his house and my hoping that I wouldn't be up all night on a night when I had to drive out to the reservation at 4:30 the next morning. I spent winter break from school sleepless every night and exhausted every day worrying about him and trying to figure out what to do.

That night I got home after an hour and a half drive from Prescott; as I was opening the door the hospital called and said he had gone to the ER because his blood pressure had dropped. With Parkinson's that happened a lot-the low blood pressure. I had several calls with the ER and he stabilized and was put on a regular floor. I wondered if I should drive back over to Prescott. Had he been at the hospital in town I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but jumped in the car to go back to the hospital. But driving over the mountain when I was so tired - I just wasn't sure I could make it. Maybe I should have gone anyway.

I woke up in the middle of that night because Lena was licking my face. Lick lick lick. Lick lick lick. She never licks my face. There had been a call from the hospital saying that he wasn't doing well; they left a message. He was a DNR. The phone message was about ten minutes before his time of death. Lena was trying to wake me up; I think my dad's spirit was in the room with me. I called the hospital back and they told me he had died.

I didn't know what to do; I called the hospice people, called the mortician, called my sisters. The mortician told me he would pick up my dad. I never went to the hospital where he died - maybe I should have. I think they told me he was already in the morgue. Should I have gone anyway? Why do I keep thinking about that? I went to the rehab hospital where he had been staying and got his things. I never saw him after he died; was I supposed to? I think I remember him telling me not to bother because he was there with me and no longer with his body. I'm not sure why I'm back to rehashing all of this and back to not sleeping...

[kayc]

Laura,

It's common to rehash everything about that last day and leading up to it.  The anniversary of death is tough to get through for most of us because of it.  It's a reminder of the most horrific day of our lives.  All of the feelings associated with our memories come flying back to assail us again.  I try not to go there too often, it's really tough but sometimes you can't avoid it.  I think about what he might want to say to me. 

I don't know what good it would do to go to the morgue.  You're right that he wasn't there, that was his worn out body that had served him well but was no longer of use to him.  He is his spirit form and continues still. 

I'm glad you were able to be with your friends, it sounds like a wonderful time of remembrance.

[Clematis]

11 hours ago, MartyT said:

Mourning & Mitzvah... It speaks not only to Jews but to anyone with or without their own religious traditions, and serves as a beautiful guide toward healing for anyone who has suffered significant loss.  ♥

Thank you, Marty. I bought this book in the spring or so, on your recommendation, but didn't start really going through it until a few days ago to look up the Yahrzeit traditions. Some of these things are hard for me to do...the Kaddish is to be read by ten or more, but you don't always have ten. I was working at the Tucson State Prison at the time of the the Trade Center attack and used to walk from one yard to another rather than taking the (inmate-driven) bus like almost everyone did. So I invariably walked alone, which was serene in the midst of a hostile and bizarre environment. During those first months when we were all in shock, I would say Kaddish alone as I walked. Not very traditional but it seemed to me like the thing to do.

After my dad died I agonized over the Jewish traditions, but some of them I couldn't really follow. I am an isolated convert. The Aninut is about preparing the body for burial and never leaving it alone, since the soul is believed to be between this world and the next. I got the message straightaway that my dad's spirit was with me and not with his body. I think that figured in my not going to the morgue - his telling me there was no point in it since I didn't have to ID the body or anything since he was wearing a hospital bracelet. He actually told me that. Looking back at it, it seems like a wisecrack that was so typical of his dry humor.

And preparing the body for burial? He was not Jewish and wanted to be cremated and buried with my mother in PA. Toward the end, he started saying that he wanted to have my mother exhumed and brought out to AZ so that we could all be together. I interpreted that as meaning that he still wanted to be with her but didn't want to leave me. I have the sense now that he is not all that worried about his ashes, and this guy who was never spiritual when he was alive is a lot more familiar with the spiritual realm now that he is of it. His ashes are still with me, but most of it will go to PA this summer and the rest will stay with me in a little keepsake urn that matches the big urn.

I feel funny about interpreting these ancient traditions based on my own needs and lifestyle, but don't know what else to do. I am a isolated and a convert; I don't live in a Jewish community and have no Jewish friends nearby. I very much dislike the new rabbi at the nearby synagogue, and could not go to services for a long time after my dad died anyway because I got home too late from work on the reservation on Friday nights. Sitting Shiva involves seven days to stay at home, cover the mirrors, don't wear clean clothes, and so on. That means you have to have people coming to your house, bring you food. A lot of food. Not only for you, but for the other mourners. You can't do that one alone. I went to the grocery store in a state of paralysis and hunger. I finally called my sister and she helped direct me through the store to find things like ready-made baked macaroni and cheese that I could just take home to eat. 

I have tried to get someone to go to services with me as I still haven't been since my father's death but it hasn't worked out. I think I fear they will tell me that I am not doing it right, but that is probably unrealistic. My Jewish friends are very atheistic and anti religion, and my other friends seem uncomfortable with the idea of going to an unfamiliar service. But Saturday I was in the pool chatting about the weather with a woman I have seem but don't know. I said something about my father's Yahrzeit, and didn't have to explain...as it turns out, she is Jewish and she offered to go with me, making sure that I had her name and phone number. 

I don't know why, but trying to follow some of these traditions around my father's death means more to me than anything else in the 20 years since I converted. But I'm not sure about my own interpretations...

[Clematis]

My closest friend, who is very much a cultural and not religious Jew, suggested to me in a text that I light a Yahrzeit cancel for my dad, but I was already at my friend Greg's house and had no candle. Now it is a day late. My calendar says it is National Strawberry Ice Cream Day. My dad loved strawberry ice cream. Safeway has some wonderful little strawberry ice cream sandwiches on waffle cookies. I don't know if he ever tried them but he would have loved them. Should I get some and share the ice cream and my thoughts with my dad over a candle tonight? Is that too far afield, or is that just how you make your own traditions - that my dad's Yahrzeit becomes mingled together with strawberry ice cream sandwiches?

[enna]

Yes.  

[MartyT]

I think it's fine to improvise and to create your own rituals, just as you are doing, Laura. Our friend Elaine Mansfield is a master at making meaning with the simple rituals she creates; she has written about them on her blog, here: http://elainemansfield.com/?s=rituals

[iPraiseHim]

14 hours ago, Clematis said:

I keep thinking about the night my dad died..... I'm not sure why I'm back to rehashing all of this and back to not sleeping...

For the newly grieving, please skip this post, I would not have been able to hear and comprehend it in my early Shock and Awe. either..

Laura, My 2nd year anniversary of my wife, Rose Anne's death is coming up next month and I find myself thinking about the last few months up to the day of her passing, too.  In my opinion, I think it is our way of dealing with and accepting their death.  I find myself replaying the events and trying to second guess the decisions that were already made. My hope is that maybe I could have done something better or different that could have prevented her death.  I am finding the real acceptance of her death still hard to grasp because I still want her here.

For me, working out this grief for almost two years, I find that as much as I miss my wife, I would not want her back if it meant she would suffer more because of my need for her.  I had no control when she would die, none of us do.  Now I am learning how to cope and grow through this grief.  It is still painful yet I have some good memories and moments that help to override that awful day.  "One day at a time... I am getting busy living" because that is what my beloved Rose Anne would want me to do.  - Shalom, George

[Clematis]

My horrible neighbor Dhanya has finally moved. She left one of her cats, Jade, behind. I thought there must have been a mixup like the cat got nervous because they were moving, and send her a message last night telling her that her cat was outside on a rainy night crying to get into the now-empty house. No answer, but I didn't see the cat today and I thought Dhanya must have picked up her cat today when she came to clean. Nope. Tonight Dhanya, her daughter, and the other cat are gone but Jade was outside crying in the rain again. I sent Dhanya a text and three pitiful video messages of her cat crying outside the locked door, asking her if she could come get Jade and what should I do. I got no answer but the phone reported that the first two video messages and the text were read right after I sent them. 

I finally took Jade into my garage and set her up with a litter box, food, water, and a fleece vest she and her sister had used as a bed on my back porch (so it smells like her and her sister). I can't keep Jade and will take her to the Humane society in the morning. I have a small amount of cat allergy, and the last time I went from one cat to two cats I developed catastrophic allergies and asthmatic reactions to cats and had to find new homes for both cats and it took me 15 years to recover to a point where I could have a cat again. I couldn't risk of possibly jeopardizing my ability to live with Lena - and her home with me - by taking in another cat. Jade is a sweet cat and I am sure another home can be found for her. Anyway, it's hard for me to fathom how people abandon their own pets.

[MartyT]

I cannot fathom it either, Laura, but how good of you to take pity on this poor kitty. You've gone above and beyond to help her. Blessings to you for that.  ♥

[Clematis]

How could I not? I only know that desperate people do desperate things, and my neighbor Dhanya was not a nice person before her current situation. She actually turned her phone off or blocked me in the middle of my sending her messages, like she didn't want to hear about Jade crying in the rain at her door. And who knows what has happened to the other cat - they had two, sisters, Jewel and Jade. She may assume I will take care of the situation, which I am. I wonder what she told her almost 9-year-old daughter about what happened to her cat(s). My elderly neighbor across the street told me that she saw Dhanya trying to catch the other cat, Jewel, the day she moved. Jewel may also be on the loose. Lena keeps meowing at the back door, like she always did when Jewel was out there. It's hard to tell which is worse, abandoning two cats, or moving with her "outside cat" Jewel and abandoning Jade, her "inside cat" to the outdoors...

[kayc]

Laura,

It angers me that anyone could abandon their pet.  I had a friend that moved clear across the state and abandoned their dog.  The neighbors had to feed it and finally turn it in to the humane society.  Can you imagine their fear, not knowing where their family went, what was happening?  I adopted Miss Mocha and Kitty both after their abandonment.  My Arlie was a rescue...he had been on the lam for a while with an attached leash, yet no one ever called the humane society to see if he was there.  I just don't get that! 

Bless you for coming to Jade's rescue.  At least you can give them her name.

[Clematis]

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

 At least you can give them her name.

I was also able to give them her history and send along with her my dad's old fleece vest that I had put out on my back porch for Jade and Jewel to use as a bed when they were outside. So she has something cozy that smells like her and her sister. It may help her adjust to her new situation.

[kayc]

It's too bad her and Jewel couldn't be adopted together.  She will adjust, though, to her new home, and probably be happier with a better home, I doubt it'll take long for her to find one.

[Clematis]

Who knows? Jewel may also be at large. Lena seems to think so. I'll keep an eye out for her to see if she's still about or if she returns. 

While I was there I talked to the current volunteer coordinator at the Humane Society. I used to do Twitter for them and at some point someone else said they wanted to do it and she took it, but never did much with the Twitter account. The new staff said they would love to have me do it again. Yay!!! I used to take pictures of cats and dogs and photoshop them onto better backgrounds - like at my sister Diane's beautiful house (hahaha). I took a bunch of pictures of her house one day when she wasn't there to help the homeless cats and dogs. It helped them to get adopted more quickly - more so than against a cement block wall. In fact, that was how I found Lena. I was on their web site shopping around for a cat or dog to photoshop and I saw her picture. Once I saw her, I just grabbed my keys and got in the car to go get her. It was only later that I remembered that I had allergies and supposedly was not able to live with a cat... But it worked out and 4-1/2 years later here we are, me and Lena all blissed out together!

[kayc]

Laura,

That's wonderful!  That's how I got Arlie too,his picture showed him looking so alert and happy, who could resist a face like that!
This was the picture they put in the newspaper that stole my heart...

[Clematis]

What a great picture! I agree - who could resist a face like that?