Helping The Newly Bereaved

[KATPILOT]

I am starting this discussion because I want to pass along some insights from I book I have read.  This book is Grief Diaries -  How To Help The Newly Bereaved, by Lynda Cheledin Fell. It is one of a series of books one of which I was a participant in. These books are compiled of stories and feelings shared by those who have walked the path. In many ways they are much like this site full of people sharing their grief and growing because of it. The prime directive is simply.............. supporting, not guiding.

I have learned of many mistakes I have made over the years and sadly still do for I respond so much more to emotion than I did before I lost my wife. It takes discipline to keep one's mouth shut before speaking until things have had a chance to gel and unfortunately when grieving we tend to fall victim to that but we can forgive ourselves right now because we are doing the best we can. We do however learn as we go so things that roll so easily off our tongues should be accepted as us just trying to ease each others pain and we'll think twice next time.

Many parts of this book are informative and I was drawn to  " A Toolbox of How You Can Help".  The chapters are set up for passages by the several participants who through years along this journey give insight to what serves us best when someone tries to help. Most of the contributors in the book are further down the road than I and are quite articulate.  I would recommend it Marty now that I have read it through. it isn't a catch all but it is quite insightful.

Stephen

Edited May 17, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[enna]

Thanks for starting the discussion, Stephen. I have read Lynda Cheledin Fell's book Grief Diaries: Loss of Health and found it helpful. I ordered the one you have recommended to read. People need to be knowledgeable about grief. There is so much misinformation out here. 

Anne

Edited May 17, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[MartyT]

Thank you, Stephen ~ I've added your title to our list of recommended books on our Grief Bibliography page.

Anne, is the other one you mentioned above one that you would recommend to other members? If so, would you say a few words about why you found it helpful? Then I'll be glad to add it to our list.

[enna]

Yes, Marty, I would recommend Lynda Chelden Fell's book Grief Diaries: Loss of Health to anyone who suffers health issues after a loss of a loved one.

I found the book Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Lynda Cheldelin Fell to be very helpful to me during the time I was dx with heart failure after my Jim died. It helped me to understand that we each handle stress in a different way. I was so touched by those who shared details of their illnesses. It helped me to know that I was not alone as I struggled with my heart failure. In my opinion, those of us who have to deal with illnesses after a significant loss need to realize that this is something that does happen in grief. We need not feel guilty when our health goes south. As we care-give we often do not take note that we have to engage in self-care until it is too late.

Anne

[MartyT]

Perfect, Anne ~ thank you! Your title has been added to our Grief Bibliography list, along with a link to your recommendation above. 

[Muggs138]

Someone help me with some advice, because after 8months I feel like I am worse now than ever.  I feel so lonely and lost without him.  My life is going on a very negative path.  I have tried therapy, medications, blogging, religion,etc. and nothing is seeming to help.

I just don't care about anything anymore, including myself.  I have lost my faith over all this, and I find myself getting so angry over his death,  I constantly question why me? We were so happy, I was finally happy and now I literally feel like I am in hell.

I just don't know what to do anymore,and how to try to move forward with life.... 

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm not sure that any of us can help you just by giving advice. What works for one person isn't necessarily what will work for you. We can offer suggestions, however, and if you've spent any time reading on this site, you already know it is full of those!

You say that after 8 months you're feeling worse than ever ~ but that unfortunately that is not unusual. It is around the 6 to 8 month time-frame when the initial shock, numbness and fog of grief begin to dissipate. It is when friends and family ~ whoever is in your circle ~ have drifted away, gone back to their own lives, or (even worse) lost patience with you and want you to be as you were before this death happened. It is when you begin coming face to face with all that you have lost: not only your beloved, but your hopes and dreams for the future you were supposed to have together, along with all the secondary losses you've discovered and have yet to encounter. Quite simply, it is when you are hit with the full force of grief ~ and it can knock you flat, making you feel as if you've only just begun this awful journey you never asked to be on.

Grief can make you feel quite crazy unless you learn what is normal (and therefore to be expected) ~ and unless you surround yourself with others who've experienced a loss that is similar to your own, so you can learn what others have done to cope with grief. How to do that? By reading articles and books about grief, by being in a grief support group (in person or online, or both), and by working with a qualified grief counselor or therapist. All of this takes time, and conscious effort. That's why we say that grief is hard work ~ and no one can do it for you.

You say you've tried lots of different things and nothing seems to help.

Was your therapist a specialist in working with grief?

Did a physician mistake your sorrow for depression and put you on a medication that would numb your pain but do nothing to address your grief?

And are you feeling any comfort from your religion?

I can point you to any number of articles that address each of these issues, and each is packed with suggestions and additional readings. See, for example:

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

Are We Medicating Normal Grief?

Religion and Spirituality in Grief

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

[kayc]

You say you've tried everything and nothing has "worked".  Perhaps that's because there is no "fix" when you lose the person you love...there is only to go straight through the grief, no way to circumvent it, no way to escape the pain.  You say you have lost your faith over it...I counter that you have lost sight of it, but it is still there, it will be waiting for you when you are ready.  That is a common feeling in grief, but most of the time, it returns and you realize it has carried you more than you were aware of at the time.  That was true for me.  I was always an avid pray-er, I have even taught classes in prayer, even to pastors, yet for the year after my husband's death, I felt I couldn't "pray", I felt they hit the ceiling.  In time I realized God was there all the time, He was waiting for me to reach out to him, He doesn't force Himself on us.  It was a very hard time, I can tell you, but I have made my way through it.  It takes a tremendous amount of adjustment and learning to cope, I can't tell you how hard!  I've eventually learned to live on my own without him...it doesn't mean I like it or that the whole thing was "okay" with me, it wasn't.  I never gave permission for him to die, for our lives together to change so abruptly, yet it did.  I guess in time I realized that perhaps he might have been spared something even worse, I don't know.  Sometimes we get no answers, or at least we might not get the ones we'd accept.  But I have learned to continue to live when I hadn't thought it possible.  

I look at life like a gift to us, we never know how long it will last, but it's up to us to make the most of it.  I know that George and I made the most of the all too short time we had together, we crammed a lot in, a lot of love, a lot of enjoyment.  For that I am thankful.  I wish we could have been one of the ones that got 50 years together, but we didn't.  I just had someone infer that my loss wasn't as great as theirs because we weren't married as long as they were.  Hooey!  It's quality,not quantity that determines the grief.  Comparisons only devalue someone, they're never good.  We can relate to others in what we go through, but I've learned not to compare, it's a losing situation and not helpful!

Marty is right in that our journeys are unique.  It's important to find the way that is right to us, and it may not be the same as someone else's choice.

I do highly recommend a grief counselor.  If you don't get anything out of the first one, try another.  You owe it to yourself to get help knowing where to start in this journey.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, I know it all too well.  Most of us do.

[KATPILOT]

True words Kay and grief counseling is so critically important. Muggs when I read your words I so relate to things I wrote years ago. One of the reasons this hurts so badly is because you were deeply in love. You did find happiness and now you feel as if it was ripped away.  One day you will see that you are still in love yet a smile will once again find your lips. Happiness comes back slowly but assuredly, little pieces at a time.  The most important thing that will help is time itself.

I hope you read the links Marty put up.  The one good thing about this sanctuary is that you can come and read at any hour.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Sadly, I can relate to what has been written here.  Seven months in and I'm just trying to cope as the time passes.  

 

[KATPILOT]

Simply trying to cope is how we begin. It takes courage to try Marita and that courage will get you to a better place and a better time.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, KATPILOT said:

Simply trying to cope is how we begin. It takes courage to try Marita and that courage will get you to a better place and a better time.

So true!  You'll make it, Marita.  Just keep going, the same as you have been.  We get better at it, little by little.