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Unsupportive Friends - What To Do


Guest Guest_Shubom_*

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Guest Guest_Shubom_*

Today has been seriously rough. I’ve tried my best not to be bummed out by all the friends who have avoided me since I lost my mom. I told myself to let it go. But today, I just couldn’t. One friend contacted me by email asking me how I was doing. This is 2 months later !!! I explained to her how I felt, thinking maybe she didn't know what to say to me about my loss. The next email came back full with details about her day and life, and no mention of mine. I got so angry, I didn’t email her back. I sat there for a few minutes just thinking about it, till I got so pissed, and started remembering all the other friends that I have not called me to see how I was doing. Next thing I know, I’m writing very strong harsh emails to each of these friends. And now I’m so pissed, I can’t calm down. What should I do? Send off the emails? Say what I feel or just leave it alone? It’s driving me crazy. Has anyone else been in this situation? And how did you handle it?

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I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain from those who should be supporting you, at this time.

Something to remember is the fact that most of the time, people avoid those in situations like ours, because they, themselves, are afraid. They're afraid that they don't know the right things to say, they fear saying the wrong thing, and they fear getting close enough to have to experience their own fears, and doubts, about death, and what is beyond it. Their distance may have nothing to do with you, at all. My family went through a lot of that, after my brother's suicide, and years later, talking with some of these people again, we discovered, through their own words, that it was their own fear that held them back.

That doesn't change the way that you feel now, however, and I completely understand that, and you should have some form of release for venting those feelings, they are not good to keep bottled up inside.

Letters are great. Writing letters, detailed, angry, depressing, whatever it is that you are feeling, and want to convey to someone is a great way of getting those feelings out of yourself. These letters, however, are not the kind that you actually send. Sending those types of letters can serve to sever the ties you have with your friends even further, and cause those friends to never come around and realize their own actions, and hopefully get to the point where they want to rectify them. They'll cause the person to justly feel as if the disconnection is your fault, and they'll leave it at that, and quite possibly never reach out again.

Just writing them. Getting them down on paper, letting them exist somewhere other than inside of your brain, and your heart, can be very cathartic for you. It may not offer the kind of relief that you seek, but it will offer some relief, the relief of being able to file those letters away, knowing that you've been able to truly express those feelings outside of your brain and heart.

Huge hugs to you!

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one thing ive learned the hard way, is NOT to send angry letters or emails.

i sent one once to a friend, who actually told me i should talk to a counselor re: how miserable i felt in grad school, but who i also thought was blowing me off.

i really regret that. i later realised my anger at her was ultimately derived from being miserable with my life, and in a larger sense, that i never dealt with the loss or ramificaitons to the loss of my mom.

SAYING your angry with someone in person is one thing. it will prob. lead to a dialogue. SENDING an email, or any writing, is just evidence to the person to distance yourself more from them in their eyes.

as hard as it is, youre the one that wants support or whatnot. it may need to be you who asks for it as well.

if i had things to do over with that friend, that is the advice i would give myself.

since it sounds like youre in alot of pain and need to talk id recommend locating some type of support group to discuss it openly. it really does help with alot of the other stuff.

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Shubom,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. A friend of mine I've known since high school (and that's a loooong time ago for us!) moved to California, but used to come back and visit her parents every year for a couple of weeks. We would get together and go out and have dinner and drinks and have a good time catching up. Always paid for by me, by the way. We also talked on the phone a lot and and had become even closer friends, or so I thought. When my dad died, I couldn't talk to anyone about it for a few months, but finally had to talk and called Sharon. Since that call, she sent a sympathy card about three months later and I haven't heard from her since (it's been about a year now). She sends me emails, but just forwards, nothing personal. Her parents moved to Texas, so she won't be coming back and I feel now that She is truly the "fair-weather friend". I guess she doesn't need me anymore and she is also a person who just doesn't want anything to ruin her fun. It really hurt me that she couldn't call and say "How ya doing?"

The way I have handled it is to just ignore her. I don't send her any emails, I don't call (I feel it's her turn) and I don't think of her as a friend anymore. Maybe this is wrong, but it's just the way I feel. She doesn't deserve my friendship. I have hesitated to write a nasty letter, although I've felt like it a million times. I used to do things like that, but found that silence is indeed golden.

One thing I have done is try to make new friends. It's not the same as friends you share so much history with, but it's nice to get to know someone new and hope yu become good friends.

Hang in there,

Shell

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i think also before writing an angry letter asking someone for help may be a better option. Heaven knows my friend had the right idea by encouraging ME to go into some form of therapy or counseling. Realistically I was trying to pin too much onto her, and thats never good either.

on the plus side, when my life went to crap again, i called her and we talked for a short while. she was very nice and updated me on her life- married now and two kids. we talked about maybe meeting for lunch one day, but after talking it with her husband, he told her he didnt want her to. which i accepted. it would have been painful anyway, and id rather not add to her troubles. resolving those things felt so good though. i hope i can help people avoid that regret in their own lives by avoiding it in the first place.

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Guest Guest_Shubom_*

Thanks everyone for being supportive. I really hate feeling this desperate like I need someone. I cry out and no one is there! I feel so desperate and helpless at times and I don’t know what to do. Why did my mom have to leave me? It saddens me so much. I had to learn the hard way that friends bail on you during a crisis. My father died 6 years ago and not one of my friends attended his funeral. Pissed me off so bad, especially when I pictured them eating at our dinner table or asking my dad for advice on cars. My boyfriend hurt me the most. I was there for him when he lost his father the year before. But when my father died, he wasn’t there for me. I even had one friend tell me that she hated her father because he was a drunk, and I should be happy knowing mine loved me. She told me this over and over again whenever I talked about my dad. Well I talked to her a few years later and she apologized for what she said to me. Her father had died recently in a house fire, and she was taking it hard. I guess it had to happen to her before she really understood.

Now that my mother’s gone, I need so much help and there’s no one to turn to. I learned from my father’s death that you never know what a friend will do during a crisis. So I got smart and made new ones. Good move, because it’s funny how the ones I’ve only known for a year are more supportive than ones I’ve known for 15 years. It just bothers me with the ones I’ve known longer, because I have so much history with them, and I expect more. I lost both of my parents and seems like no one understands.

As far as the letters are concerned, I decided not to send them. What good would it do me, but piss me off more? If they haven’t called to see how I was doing, then who needs them anyways. My emotions are all over the place, and the last thing I want to do is be provoked and fly off the handle at somebody. I just need to make more new friends. There's millions of people to choose from. Maybe somebody will be able to comfort me. Or help me find comfort in myself. Thanks everyone for listening

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Im glad to hear you didnt. those feelings are very raw i know. im glad i was able to get closure with my old friend. i think still calling them and asking to meet isnt the worst thing either though. showing vulnerablity for me is a lot harder than thought. my friend had given me good advice to go talk to someone, but i didnt listen. i compared my actions back then to the criteria for a depressive disorder adn anxiety attack, and i found that i scored sky high on the results. but i couldnt bring myself to get help.

dont let all this eat you up. talk to someone. getting friends that are supportive is important too obviously, but sometimes the best thing you can do is open up to someone whose sole purpose is to help you.

God bless.....

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  • 2 weeks later...

Shubom,

First of all huge hugs for you!! I can so relate to everything that's been said in here. I can so relate, on so many different levels. I just lost my Dad January 11th of this year. Seems like my real friends are those that I have just met, or they belong to my Mom. I had a life established somewhere else, when Dad got sick. And the life I built over the last 4 years, was not as stable and supportive and loving, like I thought. So, not only am I having to move back in to help my Mom, I also am losing that relationship as well. There is no understanding of what I am goin thru yet the part that really angers me, and hurts me...is that this person supposedly knew me, my emotions and how deep they run, and yet all the support I receive is very superficial phone calls. No..how ya doin hon, or are you doin ok today?? None of that. Instead I get..when are you comin home. Well, how the heck do I know. It's amazing to me, how people can emotionally just check themselves out of a situation. All the sudden it gets a lil rough, emotions are high and fragile, and wammo..they run for the hills. But, like what was said in here...I guess maybe they arent worth the relationship, and the friendship..or the pain I feel towards them right now. And yes, I am goin to my first Grief Support Group meeting tonite...so maybe help is close at hand for me..and whoever else goes to it.

Take care,

whoopie

Ps. Steve, you're awesome!!! Thanks for your words.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm trying my best to deal with unsupportive friends. I've kept my distance from most of them, which has helped me stay calm. But yesterday, a friend made me so angry, that it was hard to contain myself.

My mother died about a few months ago, and one of my childhood friends and his mother have not been supportive. I hadn't really heard from them, except for a phone call a few days ago about borrowing money! Ugh....HELLO.....my mom just died, and you want to borrow money.....but you couldn't come to her wake or funeral or call or stop by to see how I'm holding up. This just upsets me so much. So anyways, I was telling another friend about it, and how I felt, when she had the nerve to defend their actions by saying, I'm sure they didn't mean it and you know how they are, blah blah blah !!! Ugh....how dare she tell me that?!

Especially after I sat there and listened to her ramble on and on about her husband's infidelity and the other's woman's myspace account.

I don't get it. People do not understand how horrible it feels to lose someone, especially your only mama !!! :( I miss you mommy !

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I will only add that a number of years ago I was told I was going to die. MY brother really checked out. When I recovered I was furious with him and it took alot of time to get over it.. Recently my brother was talking to my adult son and told him the worse moment of his life was when I was ill. Nice to hear second hand. But the point is that people are not supportive but that does not mean they are not involved. It is a special person who can support you when there is trouble.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Guest_diane_*

Hello,

I really don't know what to say but two very close friens of mine kind of faded away after my mother died. They were very supportive throughout her illness and following her death they withdrew somewhat. Seems a lot of people have had this experience. Sometimes I think it is because I was very depressed and added little to the conversation and they just could not handle me being sad. Whatever the reason is........JUST STAY STRONG AND MOVE FORWARD AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS.

Regards,

Diane

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Hi All,

To add my own, 2 cents' worth...I think it goes without saying that unless someone else has had a major loss, we can't expect much at all from them...and even then, maybe it also depends on how old they were at the time of their loss, how much experience they had with loss at the time, and what those around them modeled to them about giving or getting support or not, that really sets the tone for how they'll react now. Add to that how any one individual deals with difficult emotions to begin with, and it becomes clearer as to why we don't find much support out there. We're not a very wise or compassionate society, overall, I think.

However, all that said, it's fine for our intellect to realize all this in an effort to combat our feelings when we're ignored, BUT, those feelings are still going to come up, to be experienced, and unfortunately, we all have to end up dealing with them somehow. I FULLY empathize with all the rejection talked about here and I'm by no means a great example of said "dealing with" my own reactions inside! I've been furious more times than I can count over the last 2 years, and STILL, often, over people's callousness and disinterest.

On the up-side, I had one experience just this week that sort of balances a little bit of that. A local friend who'd lost her own father last year ( a year after I lost my Mom; her mother had passed several years ago, too ), and who I'd counted on for us buoying each other up occasionally, still managed to piss me off lately. I'd let her know things were bad at home again, with our fur-girl ( I'd supported her in the past when she'd had to adopt her dad's doggie and had some problems with her ), but didn't give details, as I'd expected her to just call. As 3 wks. came and went, with no call, I got increasingly angrier and more dejected. Finally, I emailed her and told her not to expect me to be calling, but I would TAKE a call....which she did the next day. It seems her husband was the one 'at fault' here this time, telling her that we were so busy with our furbaby, that they ought to just leave us alone for now! (I hate to say it, but typical guy reaction! ) So, one misunderstanding cleared up....but who KNOWS what people are thinking might be better for us, when we're just hoping they'll be able to read our minds?

And then there are those few, brave souls ( like us here ) who aren't afraid to talk about our emotions (and grief issues) and that's how relationships are really built. Most people don't like to make themselves that vulnerable to others, and what a shame! If more people took that more open attitude, we'd all have a lot less problems with each other, I'm sure. There are many, many days still when I just feel like screaming at them all, "Wake UP and smell the coffee!! I NEED you!!" Perhaps we're also to 'blame' as well, in that we don't know how to be forthright but non-aggressive in expressing our needs to others....not that this always works, either, as I've been there, done that, too, and still often got nothing more than a song and dance and some lip-service for my efforts to clear the air and get my needs met. So in the end, I'm still baffled much of the time. :wacko: And the worst part?.....when you're grieving, or stressed-out, who has the ENERGY to go chasing people down to see if you CAN get your needs met?!

Edited by Maylissa
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  • 3 weeks later...

YES YES YES , I SO AGREE WITH ALL SAID HERE , it is amazing but i HAVE logged on to 2 grief sites and also check a chat room , the whole reason most of us do this is i suspect because of this issue of lackof support empathy and vast loss of the feeling of freidnships that are real and care and the emotional rollercoaster this sets off .. the deaths is oen thing and I suspect i AM NOT ALONE in thinking when my mum died that surely if there was any time in my life my freinds would care and offer help and support or even a hug or a kind word , it would be then .... THE SHOCK WAS SO DEEP WHEN I CAME BACK FORM HER FUNERAL noone NOT A SOUL called or came near me for 2 weeks at least and when they did noone even asked how I was . infact if anything they said statements , like oh well she was old ? or you will feel releif now ? stupid stupid things that made me angry .... AND THEN there was worse and I am sure YOU ALL KNOW thsoe things the really really in sinsitive things people say ....

and you know NOT A SOULD HUGGED ME , or asked HOW i WAS , or even sID i AM SORRY FOR YOU LOSS ... I became so angry . I THOUGHT TO HELL WITH THEM ALL. I know not a very kind response , but hell , why is it WE are the ones who are meant TO BE UNDERSTANDING ? GOOD GRIEF ...LOLL.... i EVEN HAD A FRIEND WHO DID FINALLY AFTER 1 MONTH CALL and she said to me , oh you know , if you need to talk call me , I can always say no if i DONT WANT TO TALK ... I MEAN is that an invitation . i dont think so......... I said , u know the last thing I am gonna do is beg or ask for time with an offer like that and i reckon if your too dum to notice and offer support off your own imiaitive and are waiting for me to ask . well. forget it . I wouyld rather be alone.

then my dad died . same thing , at least this time I knew IT WOULD be so . he died within a few months of my mum , this is all fresh for me , he only died 4 weeks ago and my mum 4mths ago ........ so its all still fresh . but noone comes over or calls , nooone offers to help. not a soul and you know how uch I have given and helped people .... BUT THEY STILL WANT THAT , ican hardly beleive it , but people still call and ask me to do things for them ??? go figure ........... i feel betrayed and hurt , but I am doing better sometimes , i get it ,its ignorance and all kinds reason they are this way ..... and it seems ot be the dominant thing i see on these sites , the biggest ISSUE , is we all deal with this huge loss , not just of loved ones , BUT ALSO of freinds and people we thought were our community ect /. this is extra grief . FOR ME , i have very few left now .. its ok . its a big lesson , i am still angry , but I and you , we will get better and hopefully maybe we can help others and maybe somehow change this , in our world , so others do not have to suffer so alone.......... i hope this can be .

take care and know at least here , we all know what this is like.

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I've found that friends sometimes call with support and advice which although it is due to good intentions it doesn't help the person suffering because they don't understand. And then there are those "friends" who call to first say they are sorry but never bother to even send a sympathy card and instead go on about their problems. I do understand why some people don't want to face what they will eventually face but I don't understand why a certain friend of mine who dealt with his girlfriend's cancer for 5 years relied on me for support, recommended his group then dropped out of the picture because got a new girlfriend. Everything seems to be about THEM. I'm enormously angry at my so-called friends who have shown themselves to be completely self-centered. But since I know that they haven't dealt with grief (other than my friend who's girlfriend died of cancer) they can't be expected to understand. I guess it's ignorance but don't think it's a lack of compassion for the most part. At my Dad's memorial I had friends I haven't seen in years show up with sympathy. But I remember not knowing what to do when my now absent friend's girlfriend died - I tried and I think that's what everyone with a soul is trying to do.

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yes , this is true , I know when I feel bigger and stronger and not so exhausted , i also understand all the many zillions of reasons people can't be there for me and why they act like they do . i also understand that its human nature and we all do our best , even the people acting cruel and mean and immoral , they only do so because of ignorance and illusion and their own pains.. hard to accept and hard to let go of anger in myself towards them , but i do know this and I also so know MY WORK is to forgive and learn to be compassionate and to forgive myself also , for I am sure THERE MUST BE TIMES , and i proababably dont even know when , but times , when i also have hurt people through my selfishness and self absorbtion and me thinking of my issues and not noticing others pains. even of we do , its maybe fleetingly , sometimes out of duty and rarely becuse we actually care or have love or wmpathy , and even of we do have those things , even then , still it is not US that feels their pain and has to live with it .... this now is our , my situation , i am in enormous overhwelm and pain and I am alone and not many seem to feel a damn for me.. or notice , it is just a fact , it is not a dramatic thing i have made up to be a victim , it is just HOW it is ...... it is a big lesson , and i mean this not in a jaded way , but in truth , I see i have to work in myself to love and care no matter what is thrown back , to have friendship and care , no matter if people give nothing , to NOT EXPECT THINGS IN RETurn , to know , that when hard times hit , i may most likely be abandoned and alone . to give up hope that it could be different or should be different and accept theis fact of human nature .

having said this , i also know , help and love and care are important and at times people emerge when we least expect and from unknown sources and these people are like guides or angels almost l certainly this has happened and with out it i would be suicidal for sure .I have had just a few people , here on line for instance , or at the funeral or other places emerge who have even if it s just for one moment have said something to help me , or I have felt something genuine in terms of feelings from them , some help is offered , even just a small amount goes a long way ..... is enough to give me some hope of not being totally totaly alone like I feel mostly. i also know and think , this is a huge turning point in my sprirtual path , as i now see it is exactly these hardest of things i must make peace with and learn to become bigger than and not less than , not to become a victim and not to become hopeless in a bitter revenge and hate filled way and not to let this pain eat me up . my parents would not wish this .. i do not wish it . in the end Ihope i can be a better freind ot people , that I can be someone who cares and notices others pains , that somehwo i can gve the gift of support and understanding to others , through this experience..........

still , it is a hard thing and not easy and i am not healed or reslised in this area yet ., i have good momnets and big moment s where i can be understanding and compassionate , but it would be nice not to have to be this way , i long for the imagined support i think i deserve and the hugs and the love . it seems so absent in my life and in truth always has been , jsut now more exageratted ., how come ? who knows/ and maybe it is a fault in me > i do not know. i just have tried to do my best ... that is as kathy says is all we can do .......

be well

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I just have to say that I was feeling the same anger and abandonment that many of you are feeling. Two of my friends that I've known since childhood have been virtually non-existent since my mother became terminally ill. She passed 2 days ago from lung cancer and I still haven't heard from one of them. I was my mother's primary caretaker since I honored her wishes and kept her at home. Hospice sent out an Aide for about an hour per day Monday through Friday. The rest was my watch. She did have 24 hour crisis care during her last 7 days but I took care of her for months before that and it was not an easy time at all. I couldn't work so my car got repossesed with only 6 more payments left. That still hurts a lot. I also had my 4 year old at home with me as well, so trying to keep up with the care of both her and my mother was really overwhelming at times. I have to say though that given the choice now between keeping my mother at home like she wanted or keeping my car, I would do the same all over again. With all of this going on I had hoped that the friends who actually grew up knowing my mom might maybe drop an email or call occasionally just to let us know they still cared. They didn't though and I was very angry and hurt. After reading so many similar posts here today though I gained a different perspective. Knowing that this situation is so common really helped me understand that it's not that my friends are uncaring but scared and unsure what to say. I also thought about sending angry letters. I'm really glad now that I didn't. Thanks for the guidance and for sharing.

Hugs,

Ell

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Yes , I THINK it is true that a lot of it is that others dont know what to say , for fear of saying the wrong things , and you know why ,cause often they do .... and then they hear us say ,( speaking for myself ) how dumb the things are that people say ........ which is pretty true as well. also people are afraid or unsure themesleves of death , unless they have been through a very major loss of significance and there is I think a difference , for me there is , has been , between deaths fo close friends to that of mother or father or lover or child , ect .... in terms of the closeness to the not just the person and the complex realtionshsips , but to the actual arrangements for the funeral aND THE MAASIVE TASKS INVOLVED with wills , estates and relatives ect .... all these things impact us as well , and have a big effect , which is different than just showing up for the funeral and going home and back to work the next day ... u know........ HUGE difference,.,. and people dont tend to understand this , they just think of the actually death as being the things thats hard and they dont know...........also WE AS humans are pretty selfish and self absorbed mostly , and most of the time operate on fairly superficial levels , then this happens and we are shook into a different world for a while and have aheightened sense of things , ( most of us ) or elese we go NUMB... but FOR ME and i think many of us , the superficial stuff is suddenly stuff wer have not ime for anymore and therefore empty talk filling space up and petty things will annoy us . also we will notice peoples selfishness more and we also in away become slefish , cause WE eexpect OTHERS TO SEE THIS Huge event thats effectinbg us and let their stuff go and think fo us ...... its true ., and why not , yeah , it would be NICE and some peoplke do help ,some do care , some do say things and so on....... but not everyone ........

so maybe its just all noraml and not going change anytime soon , we can however become people who do notice and do try to feel and see others pain , not just our own and thorugh this expereince we share now , learn to be more tolerant , understanding ,f orgiving , compassionate people......

anyway , we found this site and this place helps us a lot . i HOPE everyone is feeling better today . I am , thank god . firat time in months

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Ell,

Let me extend my sincere sympathies in the loss of your mother. I think it's very positive that you're in a place like this w/i only 2 short days of your loss. Getting educated about the ins and outs of the long grief journey is one of the best things you can do for yourself, as you'll be less taken by surprise by all the things that can happen in the aftermath...though it's never pleasant even if forewarned! :glare:

There's always something to be learned from loss, even if it's just how not to repeat others', or even our own mistakes. Case in point: I recently was contacted by a childhood friend who I hadn't seen for over 30 years, but whose mother, who I also knew from childhood, had died many years ago, long after they'd moved away from our neighbourhood. I realized that I, personally, hadn't sent a card myself when my Mother told me about her mom's death. For one, I didn't have my friend's address, and two, I stupidly assumed my Mother would be taking care of this on behalf of our whole family....which, for all I know, she did. However, since my friend didn't live with her parents by then, now I believe I should have somehow tracked her down and done my part myself. In any case, when speaking to her recently, I apologized profusely for my omission, now knowing it was the very least I could do to make up for my previous mistake. I also encouraged her to share with me how it was for her then...and felt real shame about my omission when I heard how she'd fallen apart and hadn't been able to handle her mother's death at all. Though she lost her mom about 25 yrs. ago, I could still hear the grief in her voice and could tell that, like most of us, it's an event in one's life that never gets old in the retelling, or in the expression of emotions surrounding it. Here was someone who'd learned this particular lesson about grief herself, many years before most of her peers. I know this because the reason she'd called was because I'd just written her father ( 2 yrs. after the fact ) to let him know my Mom had died 2 years ago. She was calling to offer her sympathy. This friend and I are now reunited and it gladdens my heart. I finally found someone from my distant past who knew my family, and I hers, and we can help each other out, after all these years.

Those of us in this unwanted 'club' will never forget this lesson, once we've been through it ourselves, no matter our age at the time....and for that, we can be thankful, as we have the chance to be better, more empathetic people for it. Once we're able to partake more fully in life again, it's time for us to spread all that good stuff around, just as we do in this little enclave. I know there will also be those who can't get out of the bitterness, at least towards certain people who rejected us or ignored us, but even if we can extend an ear and helping hand to some others than those select few, just one appreciative heart may help us slowly heal that bitterness, too. That's my hope, anyway.

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I find petty subjects annoying too right now. Especially when friends have discussions about frivolous spending in front of me. Of course they work hard for their money and it is their right to spend it however they wish, but they know I had to stop working to take care of my mother. We have had to give up not only luxuries but also some necessities as well. It was very difficult for me to sit with friends who were talking about their $70 manicures and other spa treatments when I was skipping meals so that my mother and daughter would not go without their favorite foods. I felt so lonely and isolated like I just couldn't relate to them anymore. Besides that,all I could think about was how sad and frightening what was happening to my mother was for my entire family. I also felt guilty for leaving my mother unsupervised even for 2 hours. Even though I gave her all her meds, food, water, etc. before I left, there was always the chance that her pain would "breakthrough" and become very bad if I wasn't here. I eventually stopped leaving at all. I feel like I just don't belong with "normal people" who are not or have not dealt with a similar situation. I feel changed and I'm not sure who I have changed into yet. Suddenly I'm not my mother's caretaker anymore. I'm just a poor, depressed woman with few close friends and a young daughter who is also struggling with grief. What an abrupt identity change! It does help to vent to others who understand though. Thanks for listening.

Hugs,

Ell

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Ell,

I was about to go offline, but your reply snagged me! Boy, you got THAT right! Taking care of our furbaby, especially nowadays, has me almost completely housebound. This kind of dedication ( to another human or another species ) is not only rare but often frowned upon. Relief for caretakers is hard to come by, even though it's encouraged by mental health professionals, and for good reason. But those who haven't done it really don't understand, as we wouldn't either if we hadn't done it ourselves.

We had zero income for about a year, not too long ago, so I understand that aspect, too. While my husband and I have always been terribly frugal types, and that served us well over the years, having to go without even bare-bones stuff was very frightening and grueling, so I 'get' it. And may I say, $70 manicures, even now, with income, makes my eyes pop out in horror! :blink:

Another life lesson ~~ after being incomeless for so long ( and in a place with a high cost of living ), we now try to bring some luxuries into friends' lives who end up unemployed, knowing how horrible and helpless you feel.

And yes, our identities sure do take a beating. When my Mother and one brother died, I lost all 'status' as a daughter, sister and niece. Whenever I'm to lose our fur-girl, I will, for the first time in 19 years, suddenly not be a mom, or a 'kid' ( she's kept me young-at-heart and playful ) and I'm terrified, as I've never liked myself more than how I've been in this role. I know I'll still be here, still be essentially 'me', but I'll also be a whole lot less.

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Hi Maylissa and everyone else,

I understand where you are coming from completely too. I had a dog named Jo-Jo. He was the puppy-love of my life. I got him as an abused and starving puppy and had fifteen and a half wonderful years with him. He actually had congestive heart failure in his 12th year but with love and a $250 worth of meds every month he lived to be almost 16. I consider that to be a bit of a miracle and I'm eternally grateful. I actually saw a therapist for the last couple years of his life because I had no idea how I was going to survive the loss of my puppy-son. He was my closest friend for many, many years. I'm going to admit something now that very few people know about me. I used to sing, "You are my Sunshine" to him every night before we fell asleep. He slept next to my shoulder every night. Even now if I hear that song I tear up. When he did pass I was with him. The next day I was devastated. I said I wouldn't get another dog for awhile. My husband talked me into going to a pet adoption place near us "just to look". We saw a dog that looked and acted just like Jo-Jo and I was hooked. The people told us that they had rescued her from the pound an hour before we arrived. She was in line to be put to sleep when they grabbed her. It felt like fate so we adopted her and named her Jessie. Jessie is a sweetheart. She didn't replace Jo but she did distract us from dwelling on it. I still miss my puppy-son but I love Jess too. I truly feel for you and what you are going through.

Best wishes,

Ell

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Hi Ell,

I'm new here also and am so sorry for your loss. We all expect our friends to be there and although some are there are many who are either so self-absorbed that they can only focus on themselves or those who really don't know what to do. I completely understand the anger that lies behind pettiness and I think I've changed because of it. I try to rationalize the fact that they don't KNOW but I can't believe that so-called friends say that I'll be able to socialize again after a month or two (it's like they are setting a time limit) or those who express initial sympathy then go on about their problems. I used to be very tolerant but I find myself looking at people who complain about not having a stamp (and who also could go to the post office), those who ask for favors a month after my Dad's death, etc., in a new light. It's as though they expect me to move on and deal even though I've spent half my life suffering from clinical depression. Any loss is a loss and I don't think most understand that. They after all haven't had to go through it.

But in a positive manner we all have had a chance to discover ourselves to certain extent, no matter how horrible the event that sparked it is. We don't lose who we are to our loved one - I for a while kept thinking that I no longer had a father and was no longer a beloved daughter - but he is part of me and I am a daughter despite his passing. I don't belive that any of our loved ones would ever want us to redefine relationships because of death. We can weed people out of our lives who are leeches who don't understand but we can also form new relationships and cherish the people who care more about us than they ever did before. I've found that I don't give a hoot about people who I used to do whatever it took to help them. The best example is the one man I truly loved outside of my Dad, who told me when I asked him to visit that he only cared about his children and that I was worth nothing in his mind.

Rambling again but I hope I made some sense and hope everyone realizes that the feeling of abandonment is not alone.

Kathy

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YES , WE ALL SHARE such simiar experiences its a great comfort ot feel normalised coming here and sharing isnt it . and I agree with all thats said , we can learn to be better people and not be like those we have been hurt by and leftby and abnadoned by ect... we can choose to see the cup half empty or half full as they say .. its our choice . I am leaving my dear dog for a year soon and thats tough so soon afetr losing mum and dad ....... and now packing my hone and leaving that as well and all my old friends to travel and study in the USA.... leaving my dog is the hardest and I think I will cry and cry and be so worried , but hoping that she will not miss me too badly , hoping she will adjust to her new home ( a farm ) with a warm friend of mine , her daughter and 2 younger make dogs , I sortve tell her , she is also going on an adventure and i think it may be possible after she adjust that the year will go fast and she will have a wonderul time running around the farm and playing with other doggies and having a warm 7 year old to love her ....... but its hard , so hard and if anything happens , I will be devastated . but i HAVE TO GO , cause I got this award to do research and as much as a part of me wants to stay here , I know thats silly , cause then waht would I do... THIS IS MY WORK AND CAREER AND once only chance ...... but really , i have thought abouyt not going... and when mum died , I also thought about not going and then when dad died ... and sometimes , i feel guilty and think maybe they wouldnt have died now if they had thought I WAS STAYING...

but my mum had been ill and suffering for ten years after her accident , and I had stayed all this time.. id idnt know she would die when she did , although she could have gone anytime really....and then when she died , i felt bad to go , leaving dad , but he wanted me to go , though in some ways he also didnt want me to go ... but I was going anyway .. he was fine , i was worried for him , but i thought he would be aroudn for a few more years ...... he died suddenly , in his bed , in his sleep... out of the blue....... its hard not to feel guilt . did i do enough , did i love enough , well , all this.l ut I did and I did everything I could ... some friends say more than most .... and I tried and tried to help... and now they are gone . so no good lamenting and wishing things , they are gone . finshed .

but yeah leaving my girl , ahhhhhhhh. hard hard hard . but hopefully she will be ok and I will come home and she will be happy andlife will be in a new place.

its wild packing .. so many closures , so much is ending , I hope a new life is ahead with joy and not so much pain......

i feel for us all... there is hope here , sharing together , we have our ups , downs , anger , grief , pain , accpetance , all those things and we can realte to each other in ways few can ...we are lucky to have this space to do it in. keep sharing and together we will learn and grow and heal.

be well

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  • 13 years later...

I have lost all my family (both my siblings long ago), and my mother was the last in October of 2018.  Unlike many of you here, I cannot accept, that long time friends just don't know what to say. That's what cards and letters are for. I think such selfishness is a sign of the degradation of our society. You see it everywhere from politics to the personal, people so insulated within their worlds, that they cannot even tolerate another point of view, let alone imagine that they may one day really need someone. Modern conveniences, automation, psychiatry (which often assures patients it's ok to be selfish),  and now social media, have all contrived to weaken the fragile integrity of our humanity. It takes an effort to be a true friend, and it will always take an effort.  If a person cannot even crook their little finger when a friend's loved one dies, then I can only imagine that their aggrieved friend is truly better off.  They have only to imagine losing someone they love... Believe me I know your pain...

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On 10/26/2019 at 4:49 PM, Andycane said:

Unlike many of you here, I cannot accept, that long time friends just don't know what to say.

They may not know what to say, not having been through it themselves, it may make them uncomfortable, but that does not excuse them, in my books.  When my husband died, barely 51, it was a shock, I didn't know other widows, and my friends disappeared, literally.  My two best friends did not even bother coming to his funeral.  No, I do not find that acceptable or excusable.  I have heard it said, and often, that death rewrites your address book.  True.  It's over 14 years later and I have many friends...different friends than I did before.  

Here is an article you can share with these "friends"...I usually view such things as this as an opportunity to educate someone.  http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

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