Mother and Father passed away, I'm only 17.

[DT123]

I'm just wondering why I can't seem to cry. 

I've experienced the roughest 6 months of my life. My father whom I lived with died in December from a heart attack, which I witnessed. I still live here, with my step-mother because this is my home. 

But this past week I got the news that my mother who was suffering from years of anxiety/depression & other sorts of mental illness, killed herself. She initally raised me, but about 8 years ago, something ticked in her head and she was  ever the same.

All this has happend in such a short span in my young life, I'm only 17.

I feel so angry that I've been unable to cry, for both deaths. I think im numb to the feeling of loss. But I know crying is an important part to the grieving process...& The only time I even shed a little tear is when friends and family assure me that I still have them in my life.

I was just moving on from my father, & the constant anxiety was starting to go away, & I was begining to enjoy my days...channeling all that stress into physical activities, such as running. Then my mom happened.

& I'm back to that initial state of stress/being anxious (which was never an issue till after these deaths) & still wondering why I can't cry. 

People say its because I "bottle up my feelings" but thats not true, I've had some of the deepest conversations with my step-mother in the past 6 months, it honestly kind of angers me when they say that.

Like oh when someone dies, you must cry. But those people have not experienced the amount of loss  I havs in the last 6 months.

The loved ones around me feel so bad for me, & I see tears in their eyes, but none come from mine.

So I ask again why can't I cry?

Thanks for reading,

17 yr old, son

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your losses, that is a whole lot to deal with at any age, let alone such a young age.

Try not to worry about crying/not crying, you will cry when you are ready.  As long as you are not holding in tears, it's okay.  We all grieve differently, and on different timetables, and right now you are still undoubtedly in shock and very numb.  It's your body's way of protecting itself from the overload, it will begin to let it out little by little as it feels you can handle it.

Running is a great activity to let out stress and help you feel at your optimum, which in turn helps you with processing your loss and cope.

People say the most inappropriate things to grievers out of ignorance.  I'm afraid we have a very ignorant society.  Their platitudes do little to assuage our grief, and most often hurt.  I'd just tell them you're handling your loss in your way and your time and this is a normal response.

I hope you're getting grief counseling as this is a lot to figure out on your own.  Most of us here have sought grief counseling.

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of not one, but both your parents ~ and each of these deaths was sudden, unexpected and traumatic. That is a whole lot of loss for anyone to handle, much less for someone as young as you are, and the grief that follows is complicated by many different and important factors. Death by suicide is especially difficult for those who are left behind, and few of us are prepared to deal with such a traumatic event without some support outside our own circle of family and friends. 

Good for you for finding your way to this warm and caring place! If you choose to do so, by reading the posts you'll find all over this site, you will learn a great deal about what is normal in grief and what you can do to better understand and manage your own reactions.

The first thing I'd like you to know is that crying is NOT something everyone does when they've lost someone close to them, and it certainly is not a measure of how much you loved the person who died. A lot depends on what you were taught about crying as a child (ever hear someone say "big boys don't cry"?) and whether it was typical and acceptable behavior in your family of origin.

It's good to know that you feel comfortable having those "deep conversations" with your step-mother, because you can be of great support to each other if you can stay open to sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other. It's also wonderful that you have running as an outlet. Exercise is one of the most helpful things we can do to keep ourselves healthy enough to do the work that grief requires of us. This tells me that you are making some very healthy choices for yourself.

I invite you to read some articles that I hope you will find helpful as you come to understand your own grief journey. Bear in mind that there is no right or wrong way to "do" grief ~ there is only your way, which you will discover as you go along. Notice that each of the articles suggested below also lists additional reading at the end. You may not feel up to reading all of this material, but for now, I just want you to know that good, solid and reliable information is available to you, if and when you feel ready to absorb it ~ so I hope you will bookmark these articles and at some point, take some time to read them:

Teen Struggles with Reaction to Dad's Death

In Grief: When Tears Won't Come

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

In Grief: Feeling Disconnected from Feeling Bad

 

[JJ660]

I am so sorry for your losses in such a short time span. I can't even imagine.

This site and its members have been helpful. I hope you continue posting and expressing your emotions. It will help you cope with the grief.

Definitely see a grief counselor, and look into suicide survivor support groups. I've found that communicating with people who have also experienced a loss to suicide can relate better than those who faced anticipatory deaths. You may discover the same as I have.

Also, don't be afraid to tell your teachers what you are going through. They will help you and can possibly give you extensions on assignments. My professors were very understanding.