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My sister aged 47 passed away two months ago


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I don't know if I have depression or grief.  I was very close to my sister and was with her when she took her last breath.   She was brave became blind since 9 then living with an auto immune disease since 20 then a full time wheelchair user then getting cancer and being bed. Bound for 1 year.  I feel sad she didn't live her life as she should have and she wasn't ready to die even at the end.  It all haunts me.   It's hard getting out of bed each day.   I miss her more than I can express on paper.    Any help please. 

 

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Grief can feel like depression or even lead into it.  Each of us handles and deals with it differently.  MartyT has resources to help you with tall of this stuff you are going through. As bad as the feelings feel, it is helpful to just feel them and let them flow.  Every one of us here are seeking answers and support and acceptance.  You are welcome here to share, listen, read, and find what works for you.  My brother died 8 years ago suddenly from complications of pneumonia. My mother has also, died, my best friend, My dog and the one I grieve the most and brought me to this site was my beloved wife 15 months ago.  There is no timetable to get over grief.  Take care of yourself, get plenty of good sleep, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, and move ( exercise).  I don't feel like it either, but I do it anyway.  The feelings you feel are genuine and an expression of the deep love you have for your sister. None of us here volunteer to be in this group but join together to help each other through this.  Shalom - George 

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I am so sorry you lost your sister, and that she went through so much in her too short life.  I don't know if you've done any reading on this site but there is a lot available on it.  Others will be along shortly.

Sometimes when you're in the middle of grief it's hard to remember to take care of yourself, but making sure to eat and drink water and get some exercise will give you the best optimum chance of getting through this intact.  It also helps to see a grief counselor and at some point you might want to find a support group.

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I too am sorry to learn of your sister's death, and I can only imagine how very much you miss her presence in your life.

Both George and Kay have given you some wise advice, and they speak from their own hard-won experience.

You say you don't know if "I have depression or grief." Sadly enough, grief can feel very much like depression, but they are not the same. Grief is a normal response to losing someone you dearly love ~ and clearly you love your sister. Although everyone's grief journey is unique to that person, there are certain elements that are common to most people. I invite you to do some reading so you'll have a better understanding of your own reactions and what you might do to manage them.

Here are some readings that you may find helpful. Note also the list of Related Articles and Resources at the end of each article:

Grief: Understanding The Process 

Are We Medicating Normal Grief? (includes links to several articles on grief vs. depression)

Sibling Loss: When Grief Goes Unacknowledged

 

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George must have posted the same time as me, I missed it. Looks like we both covered taking care of yourself.  It's common to feel depressed when you have loss but it is grief and as such, I refused medication when my doctor offered it as it's due to a situation not a chemical imbalance.  I figured I might as well get used to things, it wasn't going to reverse itself.  It does take time and process to adjust, grief can be exhausting, it is work!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Dear Gailsing

I really felt the pain of your loss. I also lost my gorgeous sister last summer. She was also blind and I supported her a lot during the last few years of ill health although ultimately she died very suddenly after a haemorrhagic stroke. 

Even now, ten or eleven months on, I feel the pain of her loss so acutely. She was my best friend, my mentor, my court jester, always making me smile about something. More than anything, she gave me unconditional love and understanding. We helped each other through our childhood when we lost our youngest sister. The bond between us was unbreakable. Every day, I feel empty and alone but I talk to her, I try to feel her presence. Some days it works, other times I just feel more of that huge void and emptiness. I struggle to keep in mind the sound of her laughter, the advice she always gave, I can hear her turn of phrase. My mind grasps to hold tightly to memories that sometimes feel as if they are fading already! And then the panic sets in. Recently I have started to feel a real anger. Why should she have her life so cruelly taken away aged 48. Why did she have to suffer losing her sight and her only child. She went through so so much and yet always found a way to laugh. Life was beyond cruel to her. Now all I feel is a vast expanse of time ahead of me without her in it. Some days it is hard to go forward; to keep going forward but I try, for my parents and my brother. 

I wish you strength and a way through this horrible pain. Carrie 

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you so much to you all.    I am sorry I have been a while returning.   Been struggling most days.   carriemitch I also feel your pain.    So the pain doesn't ease ?   It's so hard getting up.    Even with kids.   I go to the crem and cry so hard.   I don't want to forget her voice , smell and touch.   She too always managed to laugh.  I miss that very much.   One I start crying i don't want to stop.  It's so hard going to work with a smile as people think you're ok Now.   I suppose this is all normal.  I know I will never get used to this emptiness and miss the bond we had.   How can we ever get past these such deep deep sad empty feelings . Love to you all 

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Yes,the grief pain is real.The intensity will lessen.  There is no timetable with grief.  You are allowed to FEEL and express your grief as it is another expression of your deep love for your sister.  The people in this group understand and will listen, share, and help when you are ready. This is a safe place to share and get support.  A grief counselor can also be beneficial. You will remember her voice, smell, and touch.  She will not be forgotten.  You will carry her deep in your heart.  We are here for you.  - Shalom  

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I also have found that this grief journey doesn't end but it evolves and the intensity of the pain lessens, meanwhile if we do our grief work, we get better at coping and adjusting to the loss and the changes it makes for us.  It helps to see a grief counselor, read grief books, watch grief videos, post & read threads here, I even did art therapy and writing letters to my George.  It's important to listen to your inner heart, we all handle our grief differently and what's right for one is different for another.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi. I loss my sister not quite two months ago from a rare disease call amyloidosis. She was diagnosed October 2015.

she was younger than me; only 52 years old and would have been 54, August 18th.

She died 5 1/2 months after her dad who was my stepdad, died.  She was a kindergarten teacher and well loved. She was gifted at being a teacher and loved every moment of it. 

My sister, unbeknownst to me was under a great deal of stress but was not one to ask for help or even complain. She always looked out for everyone else but herself. Always smiling and from all outward appearance, everything seemed to be fine even after her dad passed in January.  She was the type who kept whatever was going on to herself and even though we were sisters, she didn't share stuff with me.

I live about 10 hours from where my sister lived in our home town so I didn't see her often nor did we talk very often over the past couple years. You see, my stepdad was admitted to a nursing home and when my sister wasn't working she was back and forth to the nursing home.  She was so very busy even caregiver for my mom who she lived with.   Although my sister has been gone since July 4th, I still can't believe she's gone. I'm still dealing with shock.. This does not seem real although I know it is. I can barely put into words what this feels like.  The pain is so, very hard. God continues to give me the strength and comfort that I need.  So many people have been praying for our family and I know that's the only reason we are making it. 

My heart goes out to all of you.

blessings

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Elizabeth,

I'm so sorry about your sister.  Since she was so busy taking care of everyone else it must have come as a real surprise that she was ill.  I wish there were words to bring you comfort.  And this following on the heels of losing your stepdad.  I'm just so sorry, I know it leaves a gaping hole.

Have you found a grief counselor yet?

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Thank you, Kayc. I think the church I attend has a grief ministry.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk with anyone yet. My husband asked me tonight if I thought it would help if I talked to someone else. I told him I didn't think I was ready.  He's been very supportive but it bothers him that he can't help me. I told him that he's helping by listening and letting me cry on his shoulder. Yesterday evening and today has been the worst since my sister passed. I'm pretty sure I have still been in a state of shock because after seeing on FB yesterday, that the school where my sister taught was having sort of a memorial service for her today and everyone planning to attend were to bring balloons to release at the end of the service. Well, after I saw that the tears started to really flow. It felt like everything was so final concerning my sister and all the tears that seemed to have been pent up were released. Oh, I've cried since my sister died the night of July 4th but this was different. 

Thanks for responding, KayC!

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I'm sorry it was so rough for you yesterday.  You might want to talk to whoever is in charge of the grief ministry and see what it entails and when it'd be a good time to start.  Memorials are good in that they help us honor the person  but they can be very hard too as it's just so painful and it brings it into reality.  It is part of the grief process though and there's no way to circumvent the pain...going straight through it helps us process our grief to make healing possible someday.

It sounds like your sister was a very special person.  And what you told your husband was right on.

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So sorry for you loss!  More than anyone we expect our siblings and friends to be with us till the end.  I know I often fantsize that I won't be the last to go.  Unfortunately, it seems that someone is always, "the last".  Try to surround yourself with supportive family and friends that are left.  If friends are scarce try to make new ones.  Above all, know that your grief is normal and that you are not alone.  We are here for you!

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