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Help! The guilt is killing me!


cherub

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 one morning i woke up and my 15 year old boston had a golf ball sized black growth on the side of his nose (not in his nose- it was on his muzzle). it popped up over night. It scared me because it had grown so fast. it wasnt there the day before. I made an appointment to have him put to sleep that day. I didnt want him to suffer from it. He also had arthritis real bad and could hardly stand some days & was going blind. But, I was in shock & numb when i brought him in to get PTS and didnt think about asking the vet to look at it. (i wasnt thinking, I was so numb, it was like i was out of my body ) He didnt ask me why i was putting him to sleep. I doubt he saw the growth, he didnt look at his face. He just gave him the shot. Is there a possibility it was cancer? It grew real large over night. And when i touched it, it felt a little rough (it was hairless) and he rubbed it against my finger like it was itchy. So i know it was itching him. I cant stand the thought that i put him to sleep for nothing. It's killing me and i want to die! I feel so guilty! I know you cant tell without a biopsy, but does it at least sound like cancer? I tried to make an appointment to talk to the vet, the first 2 calls were not returned and then he told the receptionist to tell me I need professional help. He wouldnt talk to me!  I know without a biopsy, no one can tell, but can you help relieve my mind and say that it sounds like it was cancer?  I failed my baby by not thinking straight when it was so important which caused his death!  This happened in 2014 and im still suffering from guilt.  Can you see why i have such guilt? I KNOW i killed my baby for nothing!  I cant believe I did that.  I can NEVER forgive myself!  Thanks, so much!.
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Oh Hon, I am so sorry you lost your baby.  It's hard to believe a vet wouldn't even look at him, and especially golf ball sized!  Usually when they grow that fast, it is NOT good news, yes very likely cancerous.  Your primary thought was sparing him pain, and in that, you were a good mom.  You considered HIS best interests over your own desires, a lot of times people keep animals alive longer than they should because they don't want to let them go but the animal pays for it.  It was bothering him and he probably would have scratched at it until it erupted, in my honest opinion, you did the only thing you could do.

I'm sorry you got such a callous vet.  No excuse for him!

I hope you'll see a counselor about your unresolved guilt, it's a heavy burden to carry around and I don't think you deserve that.  I'm sorry you're hurting so bad.

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I, too, made the decision to lay my beloved boy to sleep 4 months ago. He was also developing a tumor inside his body (or even tumors -, nobody actually saw how many or how big... We learned it from x-ray and fine needle aspiration). It was a tough decision but for the same exact reason as yours:, "I didn't want him to suffer.."  My big boy showed no symptoms until only 10 days before we had to let him go. He was only 7 and looked very healthy, until, all of the sudden, he stopped eating one morning. I still feel guilty for my decision sometimes.. especially when we didn't even see the "thing" that killed him. We had to totally trust what the specialists said about their findings from the tests. It still upsets me when the thought of guilt pops up in my head every now and then... "Did I really have to let him go then? Maybe he could have survived with chemo if we decided to wait one more day, even just 3 more hours until chemo specialist came in???"  Although I think he would have suffered, his lungs were filling up with fluid, and I know it was the right decision (may not be the right decision for me, but it was the right decision for him) but... I can't erase that thought out of my head... I know it's hard.  

The vet who watched him over night at the e-vet, who helped him to go to sleep the next morning, told us that she believes the tumor he had was so aggressive and developed very fast. I think what your dog had was also cancerous, if it grew that fast. I think we'll probably continue to feel guilty about our decisions, it may not go away. But we do know deep inside our hearts that we made the right decisions; it wasn't because we didn't care, we did it because WE LOVED THEM SO MUCH and didn't want to see them suffer. And I do believe we, pet lovers, have motherly instinct for our fur babies and you knew (even if it was unconsciously) what was best for your baby when you made the decision.

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So sorry for your loss!  I understand all the questions & doubt. I have them too. If only i had had the vet's confirmation that it had been cancer!  I didnt handle the situation correctly because i was so numb I couldnt even feel.  I didnt even cry at first. I just stood there- not even feeling my body. I felt like i had been given a big Novocaine shot. I hope the vet didint think i didnt care! . 

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Cherub, it's impossible to believe that a vet would put a pet to sleep without a good reason. If he didn't ask you why, it must have been obvious to him why he was being asked to perform a euthanasia on a pet. If he didn't ask you questions he must have had a clear rationale that he thought was understood, if not obvious to both of you. And your dear sweet dog was elderly and had some other significant medical problems. It is even possible that this is something that the vet had believed this should be done, but he was waiting for a cue from you...

I don't know anything about cancer in animals but I do know a fair amount about people who go into any of the healing or helping professions. People who become vets love animals. I have a close friend who is a vet and she has told me that there are people who bring in an animal that they no longer want and ask that it be put down. These requests do not slide easily past a vet. No vet wants to euthanize a healthy animal for no reason-it is a heart-breaking thing to be asked to do.

It is terribly sad that you have lost your adorable dog, and it is awful that the vet wouldn't talk to you afterwards, because if he had talked to you later he probably would have told you that your fears were unfounded. It is not as if you brought a healthy and young animal in to the vet to be put down because he was no longer convenient. It sounds like there was a good reason that the vet went along with your request. I hope you can let yourself off the hook because I really doubt that you belong there...

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I hope this was helpful, and I want you to know that I wasn't just being kind but realistic. When people are trained to work with people or animals, about the first thing they learn is how to do an assessment. Professional training also teaches you how to be subtle about a lot of your assessments, and sometimes to be rather sly about it, because you don't want to upset people or make them overly worried, as they might be if they knew all of the things they were looking at and thinking about. I just recently learned that dental hygienists, among other things, are looking for oral cancer, when they appear to be just checking out your teeth!

I am a clinical social worker and a school psychologist. I also began the training to become an RN, but decided to stick with the social-emotional and cognitive aspects. Nevertheless, I learned a lot while I was in the nursing program-even how to be a better medical social worker, which I was at the time. I was doing home health care with a team of nurses at the time. Good training teaches any professional to assess, assess, assess all the time.

Some vets are very good with animals but not so good with people, and the one you went to sounds like one of these. It's great if you get someone who is good at both, but a vet may be short with you because s/he is focused on your pet. I have a vet who is very sweet and patient, and it is a good thing that she is patient because I ask her a lot of questions, mostly about what she is looking at and what she sees. I always find it amazing because she may look like she is just petting Lena in all the right places for a cat, but she is actually feeling her thyroid, checking for growths, etc. I had a vet once ask me rather casually, "oh, your cat goes outside a lot?" I said yes and asked him why he asked. He told me to feel in a certain spot and told me that Freya had been shot with a BB gun and it had flattened against her shoulder on impact, having healed a long time ago. I was amazed. Later, I found one of these on my cat Lena, who had been a stray before I adopted her and she adopted the life of a protected indoor cat. It was in a more subtle location and I asked Lena's vet if that was a BB. She said yes, but that it had been there for a long time and we should just leave it be unless it started to move or something, because it was probably trapped in connective tissue by now.

I find it amazing that vets can figure all this out through all that fur and without your realizing that they are doing anything but petting your animal. I feel really badly for you that you have suffered for two years from guilt, because I really don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Grieving your beloved pet can cause anguish and grieving, sometimes for a long time. But I hope you can let go of the guilt, because it really sounds like your dog was near his end-you said he was going blind and could barely stand some days. It sounds like you spared him a lot of suffering, which is why vets do euthanasia with elderly pets who are going downhill.

-Laura

 

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Can you imagine what my dog must of been feeling with a growth that popped up over night that was the large!  There's no telling what he must of went thru over night. One day it wasnt there and the next morning- there it was. as large as a golf ball- overnight.  That must of felt weird while that thing was growing that large over night. My poor baby, 

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It's hard to tell what he felt. The tumor might have been growing underneath connective tissue or something and suddenly popped through. I have known several people who had large tumors they were unaware of-a woman who had a tumor the size of an orange in a breast-and had no idea, and another woman had about ten pounds of metastatic growth in her abdomen. She was trying really hard to lose weight and complaining about eating all that chicken and no carbs...and the truth was probably that she was losing fat but the cancer was growing and she had no idea. You would think a person would know if they had a huge tumor, but they often don't. And I really don't think cats and dogs know...

Your dog was adorable and I am sure that you really loved him and he had a good life with you. I would encourage you to think about when your dog was healthy and young and how much you loved him, even if it makes you cry. You are alive and you have lost your beloved dog, and I think that is the core of it...see what I mean? - Laura

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This is a good poem that reminds us, the pet owners who made the difficult decision to let our pets go, that what we did is an expression of love. 

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close — we two — these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

— Author Unknown

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  • 2 months later...

I am so sorry for your loss .My dog was just put to rest 9/1 for having a large tumor. The vet told me without testing that it was cancer (yours probably thought the same) . Bloodwork and large lymph nodes also pointed to that. You didnt allow your baby to suffer. Your baby lived a fulfilling life right until the end. I praise you for making the tough choice early. You did the right thing, your vet should have discussed things with you as well.

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