What to say to your child when your grieving

[Guest]

We all have moments when we are ok one minute and sobbing uncontrollably the next,right?Last night I had a bad moment and my thirteen year old daughter flat out told me to shut up,which was really hurtful.I don't  really know what to say to her anymore.Should I just lock myself in the bathroom so she dosent have to see me cry?.I read that we should be open and honest with our children regarding grieving.Maybe that's really not true?

[MartyT]

Kristin, my dear, of course we should be open and honest with our children, whether we are grieving or not. Still, teenagers can be difficult sometimes under the best of circumstances, let alone when there's been a death in the family. I don't know how close your daughter was to her grandmother, but she may be dealing not only with her own grief at her own loss, but also her need for you, her mom, to go back to being "normal" ~ which of course is not possible, because you are mourning the loss of your own mother. Lots of needs to be met in this situation! Perhaps when you both feel the timing is right, you can ask your daughter to sit down with you so you can talk about what happened, what was said, how you both are feeling in the wake of this loss, and how hard it is for both of you to understand and tolerate each other's reactions. What matters is to keep the lines of communication open so you can talk to each other about what is really bothering both of you.

This article may help: Tips for Helping Children and Adolescents in Grief

[Guest]

Thank you Marty .In a lot of ways,it was just mom,the kids,and myself, against the world.Now it's just the kids and me.I made a comment a couple of weeks back that I have nobody now,meaning no parents/friends/family members to turn to for support.My daughter thought that meant that I was dismissing her as of no importance to me.I guess I need to be more concious of what I say sometimes when speaking to her.I told her right away what I meant,and she seemed ok after that.I was ten when my grandmother died,and my mother was amazing to my brother and I even though she herself must have been devastated.I hope to be that strong as well eventually.

[MartyT]

Sometimes it helps to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, Kristin. Ask yourself what she could be feeling when she sees you so upset. Most kids just need reassurance that no matter what happens, you still love them and you'll be there to take care of them. It sounds as if your daughter just needs some reassurance that, even though your heart is broken with the death of your mom, you love your daughter, you need her just as much as she needs you, and you will be there for her ~ and that, especially at a time like this, you all need to stick together as a family and work hard to understand and support one another. You might also tell her that as hard as it is to cope with the death of your mother, you're working very hard to understand and take care of yourself as you find your way through the grief of losing her ~ because that is the truth. (Your being here, reading what is shared by others, learning about the normal grief process, discovering ways to understand and manage your own reactions, and sharing with all of us what you are thinking and feeling is an important part of that!) Clearly you were blessed with a wonderful mother, which tells me that she was a terrific role model for you. Think of all you've learned about mothering from her, and let that be her legacy to you.  ♥