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Waves of Grief & Loss


Marj37

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Hi - 

I started this new topic because I have these waves of missing my Gb kitty come out of nowhere.   I don't purposely think the sad thoughts; they seem to appear triggered by anything.  I know that here in this Loss of  a Pet forum I am free to speak of this.   Not really in my daily interactions with humans or my sons.  It's now been 13 months since Gb had to leave.  I do miss him daily but not with the intensity that can happen.

For instance, Saturday night it was beautiful outside and it triggered tears. I remember how after a hot day I'd take Gb and Hamish out in the evening to enjoy the relative coolness, the shade of t he trees, the cool grass and the few bugs flitting around. They really enjoyed that.   I can picture some of those times vividly.    I cried it out for awhile.

I know this is perfectly normal after losing a close being.   I read a bunch online about this "phenomena" as I'll call it.   Most had to do with loss of a human , however I know it applies to us here.

Hope some of you will share an incident, or feelings or thoughts.

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Marj, my dear, your continued missing of your precious Gb kitty is totally normal, and completely understood by your fellow animal lovers here. My Beringer has been gone for five years now, and I still miss him and think of him every single day. I know the same holds true for kayc with her Miss Mocha, for enna with her Benji, for mfh with her Bentley, and for all the other members here who have known this different kind of loss. We love these dear creatures with every fiber of our being, just as they have loved us back. It is one of nature's purest forms of unconditional love, I believe, so it is no wonder that our grief will match the depth of our love for them. 

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Yah, siiiighhhh, Marj, I can certainly relate. I'm in Year 2 of having lost the daily companionship and loving, 5-year-long relationship with our former neighbours' 2 cats (the girl, especially, having chosen me of her own free will, to fill the role as her "mom") to their family's move in late summer of 2014. And as we know, the grief, along with all its "secondary losses," is normally worse after Year 1. Sorry for the length of this post, but I seldom can make the time to even get on here anymore, yet have accumulated so much to share! So thanks so much for asking for others' thoughts, etc.

I've been suffering a LOT this spring and early summer, virtually every time I go outside in our yard or anywhere around our house. The vacuum they've left is excruciatingly palpable for me, and even 'nice' things, such as the even larger proliferation of bird and squirrel activity than usual (since wildlife doesn't have to be as wary or nervous without any cats around) stabs me with sharp pangs of grief and yearning for the "good old days." :(

For instance, for the first time in many years, I don't have to be on High Alert now to protect any early summer fledglings from potential attack in or around our property. My male cat buddy was still quite the "birder," vs. his step-sis, who (out of deep love and respect for me & my wishes) had complied in NOT hurting the birdies she might occasionally catch and proudly bring inside to show me before I'd usher them back out through an opened window. But it's one of those things "you'd think" someone would be thankful to not have to worry about anymore, and while that's true in its own way, at the same time it's a constant trigger and source of great sorrow for me.

Even practically speaking, I'm not getting nearly as much exercise as I used to. No more "hopping to" first thing in the mornings, inserting my home-made cat door, knowing "my" girl would be over AS SOON AS her people let her out (often even before I was up), just waiting to come in and start her day WITH me...with her step-bro to soon follow....or in the last month before their move, for both to be let OUT, since I'd offered to care-take them myself, rather than subject them to weeks of vet. boarding during the final stages of their new home build. Also no more daily rush to set up of all the "little luxuries" in the yard that I provided these two darlings for several summers...along with the stark and painful reminder of the knowledge (since I've been to their new home and have seen for myself that their people have not bothered to put these things out in summer) that they are NOT getting the use of any of these anymore, despite me giving away most of these items to their people at the last, hoping to provide the catties with most of what became THEIR familiar and well-utilized comforts over the years here. Now our yard is bleakly devoid of all these, and lonelier than I could have ever imagined, since I had ALWAYS been sent new feline friends/loves to keep company with ever since I lost my "real" fur-daughter nearly 10 summers ago now. The entire "Gang" has been disbanded, and no newcomers exist anymore either.

Plus, every time I have to look at or be in the front yard, I start to well up in tears (inwardly or outwardly), seeing the area across the street where I had FINALLY gotten the chance to unabashedly romp and play with these two darlings in their last month or so here, and where they gifted me with immediately and telepathically picking up on and wholly "getting" how to play Hide & Seek with me in the tall grasses, trees and bushes...just as I'd played with my own furchildren all the time, years earlier. We'd had an absolute HOOT together, both happily yet bittersweet-ly recreating the glory days of my own family, whilst also reveling in being able to gift these other two beloved furkids with this same joyful experience. And again, now knowing they're left to their own devices with NO ONE to play any games with them anymore, my heart is broken not JUST for myself, but for them, too.

So particularly every nice day, this is brought sharply into focus, over and over and over again. And because there's no cat door being used to always carry the sounds of the outdoors into the house, I barely even hear the summer sounds, regardless. This is so alien, and extra depressing, the days feeling so much shorter now than they should.

And although last summer carried the same lack of past activity and joy, it was fraught with other unexpected problems and losses/griefs that demanded all of my attention, so I was mainly distracted from some of this pain. This summer, it all just stings immensely more, and I know there is no one to safely share these feelings with, to listen to my continuing heartache or understand this pain, to hold my hand or give me an empathetic hug, save for the like-minded folks here. So the hiding of my true feelings "out there," the feelings that I know would be minimized or made fun of by the "ignorant," is as usual, an added burden and component of yet another deeply felt but disenfranchised loss.

 

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It's been 3 1/2 weeks since I've seen Miss Mocha.  A friend of mine lost her dog yesterday and her bird today.  I can't imagine losing two in a row like that, I haven't even had time to digest Miss Mocha's absence in 3 1/2 weeks!  I miss her laying next to me on the couch.  I catch myself checking to see if she's stolen Arlie's recliner so I can make her move.  I check the patio door to see if she wants in/out.  And I'd give anything to hold her again.

No, the waves don't stop, and yes, it's, unfortunately, normal.

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Thanks so much Maylissa.......I love the stories of your romps with the kitties~and the "Hide and Seek".  Such fun for you and them.  Your humor is beautiful.   And thanks for sharing those tears.    

And you, also, Kay - I thought about you and Ms M when I was writing the first post.  I imagine you are seeing her everywhere.

Thanks for Marty for hosting this amazing forum!    We know we have comrades right here and now.  And don't even have to be dressed or have brushed our teeth to comment.  

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I can certainly relate. There is always a trigger - which can be anything - a photo, a piece of fur, nose "prints" on windows, even the weather... 

There was our adoption group's annual picnic a week ago. I was sort of hesitant to go at first (a very mixed feeling of want to go but don't want to go) but I thought it would be OK since I'm doing better with my grieving lately, plus I thought Saya would enjoy seeing other hounds. So I went. It was the first time attending it without my Kura. It was rough. I didn't feel like watching any of the contests. He won the most talented contest 2 years ago and he also participated in best recall contest last year which he came in second or third...I was so afraid of flashbacks. I normally buy things with auctions and shops but not this year, I just wasn't in the mood. Every time I talked with someone, I cried. I finally started to feel like I was being a party pooper so I decided not to go around to talk to people who know of Kura's passing. It's OK though, people do understand. There were positive things - Saya enjoyed running around with other hounds, and we got to meet Kura's half sibling! We are thinking about fostering this boy, who shares the same dad with Kura.

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Hi Nikki

Thanks for relating your trip & experience at the picnic.

And I sure know about nose "prints" on windows.

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  • 2 weeks later...

With the porch windows open tonight it brought tears -- Gb and Hamish would sit in the window from dusk to dark just entranced by bugs or whatever was going on outside.  They'd sit there until I had to close up for the night.   These youngsters aren't really interested.  And Hamish doesn't sit there alone.  I sat with him awhile (tho not in the window)  :))

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I know, and I miss my chair thief, the one that stole all the room on the couch, my "in and out" girl. :(

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Your chair thief :)   They are good at that.  And then it sure takes a bite when they aren't there to do it.

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Marj and Kay-I feel so badly for both of you to have lost your little furry chair thieves. My cat Lena has been such a help since my dad died, I can't imagine having to get along without her. Yesterday the housekeeper was here and used the vacuum at my dad's where we are staying. With my housekeeping, this was a rather foreign experience to Lena. I usually use the carpet sweeper that was my grandfather's (non-electric). So Lena hid and went to sleep somewhere. I called her and called her and she didn't show up, which is odd for her. I panicked. The whole energy of the house seemed dead. I finally started talking loudly about chicken and she materialized. Dang!

Marj, I love your little icon with the cat face-it is just adorable!

Laura

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