Anger

[AmberH]

My mom died on Sunday, June 12. I have so many mixed feelings since she was suffering. The last few months have been hard, living in limbo. She was diagnosed two years ago with primary liver cancer and to complicate matters, she also had non-alcoholic cirrhosis and needed a transplant. The tumors were successfully killed and she was on the transplant list when additional tumors were found elsewhere. The experimental therapy kept some from growing, but others grew and at the end, it was everywhere and her liver failed. She was a fighter and held on until my twins were born last August, and then we found out my brother and his wife were also expecting twins...she fought and fought, and they were born April 28. After that, she really declined. 

I'm angry that she suffered and I'm angry that I lost my mother. We haven't been able to do things, like Christmas shopping, for some time due to health problems...and now I never will again. It makes me so sad. I can't call her when my baby gets a new tooth, or walks for the first time. I feel so cheated. I try to think that I got her for 33 years, but, it still feels short. 

I was watching TV the other night and one of those retirement home commercials came on, and I thought how I won't ever have to worry about that because my mother is gone. And it just brought a wave of sadness. I really feel for my grandparents, however...my mom is the 3rd child they've lost in the last 5 years (one to suicide, one to alcoholic cirrhosis and one to cancer).

To complicate things, my dad also has stage 4 renal cancer. It has spread to bones and lungs so far, but he's doing quite well at the moment, tumors aren't growing. However, he's on his 4th drug and I know it is a matter of time until it quits working. He truly has defied the odds, but...still, it makes me so mad. 

I am also the only daughter and the youngest of 3, so I feel a lot of responsibility suddenly. My mom was the communication hub of the family, the party planner...she was very kind, very social. I'm very introverted, pragmatic...very different. I feel that I need to step up and take over things like planning our parties, ensuring birthday cards are sent. The void she left is so huge...and I don't feel capable of filling it. 

[Mom's angel]

Amber, I feel for you and I totally understand you. You suffered a lot, losing a beloved one is not easy.  

My mom was 42 when she died and I'm 21 now and I know  it's not easy to fill the void that is there after their death.

Like yours my mom was the third child that my grandparents lost. 

Just like you I have many questions to ask and I keep on asking them without getting any answer.

This place is nice and safe to express our feelings at such difficult time, there are good, caring and supportive people here, they'll reply soon. 

Hugs!!!

Mom's angel

[kayc]

Amber,

I'm so sorry you lost your mom so young.  I also have non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver, and it frightens me to think about.  It's amazing that she held on long enough for your brother's twins to be born before succumbing to her cancer, it shows her desire to live and be part of her grandchildren's lives.  You and your brother can keep her memories alive for your children in the same way that I did my dad's, who died when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child.  My kids never got to meet him, but I told them how proud he'd be of them, how much he would have loved my daughter's charm and dimples, and how he would have been proud of my son's 4.0 through college and his abilities.  I shared stories with my kids about things he'd done and let them know the things they got from him.  (My dad was one of those "if he can't fix it, it's not broke" types, a real perfectionist.)

Life is not fair, that is for sure, some of the best die young, and of course we wonder why we had to lose our parent so young, but the truth is there is no answer to our "why" and I quit asking it.  It's not about what happens to us in life, it's about what we do with it.

You'll find a way to share your mom with your children.

You don't need to take on the role of replacing your mom.  You aren't her, and she can't be replaced.  As for birthdays, you can set up a file with a folder for each month and in it put birthday cards and a list of the birthdays for that month for your dad to send...after the first year he may just buy some cards and do it on his own!  And if he doesn't, that's okay too.  He will if it's important to him and if not, I'm sure there's other good qualities he'll share.  My MIL passed when my kids were little, and I knew her shoes were too big to fill, no one was as thoughtful as her, as good a cook/baker, etc.  My FIL did not take up that role, but he used to bring the kids a pack of lifesavers along with the lifesaver Christmas ornament every year...my kids would smile, it was part of having him as a grandpa.  Now I look at those ornaments...and miss him.  They build their own traditions and memories.

[Guest]

Amber,I'm so sorry you've lost your mom.My mom passed away on April 21st,from breast cancer that came back after nine years.She was sick since September,but we only found out it was cancer again on April 14th.One week later,she was gone.Im a bit older than you (41) and my kids are older,but I feel cheated in some ways.My mom had a special bond with my youngest, who is ten.But I wonder How much he will even remember her.Im not with my children's father,and my kids,myself,and my mom were always together.Now Christmas and every other holiday will be just me and my kids.Im dreading it.Im very sorry about your dad as well.I can't imagine what it would be like to have two people I love suffer from cancer at the same time.My heart truly hurts for you.My grandpa is 92 and has lost his only daughter,and he and my mom used to talk every day.Now I've taken over that role,for the most part.On Father's Day,he told me how much he appreciates those phone calls and our Father's Day visit as well.So just know,that whatever you do for your remaining family members,they will probably be very grateful for.

[seachelle]

Hello everyone, I am so sorry for all of your losses.  My mom has dementia and some other health problems.  I am 34.  I think one of the worst things has been watching her suffer as she understands that her health is declining and there is nothing I can do about it.  We both feel utterly helpless.  I would imagine that is something akin to what would happen if a parent had any serious, chronic illness such as yours.  Know that we are here for you if you need a listening ear!  It can be isolating to be so young and suffering such a potent loss, but you are not alone.

[kayc]

seachelle,

Who is taking care of your mom?  If she is living alone or you are trying to do it yourself, you might want to contact Senior Services and see what help they can provide, also hospice.  My mom refused help and stopped taking her medication, didn't know night from day, was still trying to pay her own bills but didn't know the difference between the bank and the insurance company.  It was very stressful, worrying about her and feeling helpless to do anything.  We finally had to take her to court (it took a year) to get a court ordered medical evaluation and they said she should be in 24/7 lockdown because by then it was in advanced stages of Lewy Bodies Dementia, which is like a combination of Alzheimers and Parkinsons.  We sold her house to pay for what Medicare, her social security, and the VA didn't cover, it nearly all of it in the 26 months she was there, but it was worth it for the peace of mind and knowing she was getting good care.  My brother and I went there regularly, you have to to keep an eye on things and have a hands on dealing with the staff, but for the most part we didn't have many problems with them.  We were able to use Hospice even though she was in a care facility, and they were very nice and very helpful.

Do you have any aunts, mom's friends, anyone who would be able to help you through this?

[Clematis]

On June 20, 2016 at 9:51 AM, AmberH said:

I am also the only daughter and the youngest of 3, so I feel a lot of responsibility suddenly. My mom was the communication hub of the family, the party planner...she was very kind, very social. I'm very introverted, pragmatic...very different. I feel that I need to step up and take over things like planning our parties, ensuring birthday cards are sent. The void she left is so huge...and I don't feel capable of filling it. 

Hi Amber, I am so sorry to hear you have lost your mom and everything is so difficult. You really have a heavy load to bear. Just about this last little part of your post, I would encourage you to not feel pressure to fill your mom's shoes or be like her. She is tragically gone, and you are a different person than she. I totally understand where you are coming from on this, I think. My mother died 11 years ago and I coaxed my dad from PA to AZ to be with me. He missed my mother terribly and a lot of those things my mother did-like yours-there was no one to do. I wanted my dad to have nice holidays and I did my best, but it always seemed empty and hollow without my mother. My dad said a number of times of her that she was "the Christmas girl". I am not her and I had no ideas how to make things festive.

I had been out here in AZ for almost 30 years alone just kind of staggering through most of the holidays by myself. I was so happy to have him here for holidays, my birthday, his birthday, Father's day and everything else, I really didn't care what we did, but I never stopped trying to make it good for him and I never stopped feeling like I was a failure at it. But I always asked him what he wanted to do for this or the other holiday and he never had any ideas. Maybe he was just happy to be with me-like I was to be with him. Our last holidays were really rather pathetic-his birthday I couldn't get him to go out to dinner at the last minute and got take out and some helium balloons. Thanksgiving we went out, but at the end of the meal he had such a bad choking incident (swallowing problems from Parkinson's). And Christmas was a nightmare-he was in pain, incontinent, and barely able to move about. I was panicking but still trying to have Christmas. I made a festive little breakfast that he could barely eat, sat him in his wheelchair in front of the tree and had to help him open his gifts. Several of mine were still unopened weeks later, and it took three months for me to take down the tree. Two of his gifts are still sitting over there in their boxes and the fourth of July has passed...

All of these things are never the same, Amber-for you or me or any of us. I think you just have to do the best that you can do-as you! And the same for me...