Lonely and Confused

[rdownes]

As the days go by the loneliness sets in more , everyday I realize even more empty I feel without Kevin. The house is not the same he brought such life to the house, he was my crazy man, he was my wild child. He loved rock and roll fast cars he would defend his family with his last breath he could make you laugh, now the house is so calm and lifeless, I remember telling Kevin I just want a nice quiet life, well I have it now and I miss my crazy man, I feel so empty without him, my one daughter said to me mom you have us,I told her I know my children don't realize it's not the same I love them but no one can fill this whole or mend my broken heart I am confused in that all my life I was brought up in religion and now I doubt everything I talk to Kevin but what if he truly can't here me and he does not see my tears or know how sorry I am with all my heart, it's all I have to keep me going but I have such doubts now. I guess I will truly never know I just want to call out and get a response. I feel like I am losing it.

[kayc]

You're not, but I understand feeling that way.

[R.Everit55]

Your not losing it.  You're overwhelmed with loss and a broken heart and world.  That is the sad cross we all must bear losing our soul mates.  

Have you sought out a grief therapist at all?  That might help you sort out your confused feelings.  

Keep coming here. You're understood. 

Butch

[KATPILOT]

6 hours ago, rdownes said:

 I talk to Kevin but what if he truly can't here me and he does not see my tears or know how sorry I am with all my heart, it's all I have to keep me going but I have such doubts now.

You just have to have faith that he does rdownes. You're hearing this from the number one believer. You describe loneliness very much as I remember it. It may still be part of me but it eases with time   It's hard I know and it seems to get worse but you are not alone here.

[Margm]

10 hours ago, rdownes said:

I feel so empty without him, my one daughter said to me mom you have us,I told her I know my children don't realize it's not the same I love them but no one can fill this whole or mend my broken heart I am confused in that all my life I was brought up in religion and now I doubt everything I talk to Kevin but what if he truly can't here me and he does not see my tears or know how sorry I am with all my heart, it's all I have to keep me going but I have such doubts now. I guess I will truly never know I just want to call out and get a response. I feel like I am losing it.

Steve said that we just have to have faith that he does hear you.  That is my chief roadblock.  Billy always wanted me to have my faith.  I'm afraid right now he was my faith and I have lost it.  How can he be gone?  He was just here, but I cannot touch him and he gets further and further away each day.  I lean on people like Kay and Steve and people that are my friends, my widow friends and at my age I have so many of them.  My son understands.  My daughter does not.  My granddaughter understands.  

Robin, I just have to look forward to finding my faith again so I can find Billy too.  Right now, like you, my bigger than life person has gone and he gets further away instead of closer and that is my own doing and I don't know how to quit.  I am blocking.  

[rdownes]

I am trying so hard to believe like I used to it is just so hard, I am so terrified of not seeing him again when I leave this world, Mag  what you wrote hit everything right on the nail. Ineed to believe that our love story will continue when we reunite it is just like you said he feels farther away day by day and it makes me feel so lonely and lost I miss him so.

[kayc]

This is a journey of faith, and I don't think we need a whole lot of it, the Bible says if we have faith the size of a mustard seed.  If you go to a grocery store, look in the spice section for mustard seed, let me tell you, it's pretty tiny!  We don't need a whole lot to proceed on, and that's just a start.

I aim to be with George again, and if anyone knows anything different, don't tell me!

[KATPILOT]

I know I cannot speak for everyone but I can speak for many. There are so many examples of life after death existing. I have done a little reading over these last few years. I have talked with dozens of people who have had proof enough to satisfy their own minds that something does exist on the other side. I have met with a medium who Kathy spoke through tell me things no other living soul could have known. I have had encounters in my own home that freaked out some people who observed some of those.  I have felt her here and I know when she's gone. It's been six months since I last felt her presence. During the last five plus years, I have had a lot of time to ponder, wonder, and imagine what's going on and I have few answers. If there is something on the other side, I just have to have faith that I will find her one day. I can't know how. I have to have faith and let me say there have been times when I questioned that faith. If we believe in something without a certainty, then that by definition is faith. My simple belief is that I will find her. It doesn't matter how long it will take or where in the cosmos she is, I will find her. She knows I love her. I know she loves me. Does that not sound like you?  Kathy and I loved a movie within had this line. "Death cannot stop true love". We both believed that.  She went to her death knowing I would join her. That is faith which I keep in my back pocket as I go through the rest of my time on earth. Because death is forever, I want to live. I want to experience more since I still have this physical body. I will be leaving that behind and hopefully fully used up.

 So don't be terrified even if you feel like they seem farther and farther away every day.  The memory of their physical being isn't as important as you love for them and kids, they are closer than you might imagine.

[KATPILOT]

Wow Kay! We hit that one together huh?

Faith

[mittam99]

Robin, no one knows 100% what waits for us on the other side. The only way I personally can function in this new, bleak world without my beloved Tammy, is to have hope. The hope that we will be reunited someday on some level. The hope that maybe she can still see me... hear me. No one has ever proven it conclusively one way or the other, so that leaves the door open for hope.

In my life after Tammy some things have happened that have been real eye openers. Imagine driving 70mph on the highway and falling asleep at the wheel. Then, waking up to the sight and sounds of your car hitting a concrete barrier wall and bouncing off. And not only surviving that with no injury but your car survived without a scratch. This happened to me driving from Maryland to Illinois to go to Tammy's funeral. In my mind there is only one way this could have conceivably happened... my angel Tammy.

So, as you go through this hard journey of grief, be open to not only the possibility of life getting better, but the possibility your husband Kevin still exists on some level. 

I walk through life with Tammy "by my side". 

[kayc]

I think my faith is as sure as if I saw it happening, so let my faith carry you when yours feels weak.

[Margm]

You know my walk in faith was not a walk, but a drag.  But, as the twig is bent.  Then, I let myself down and let Billy down, though he did not know it.  We had a long marriage and we grew up together inside that marriage.  No trust on his part, to total trust.  But, we went to church together when the kids were small, he went to church functions, but he always wanted me to have my faith.  It was necessary even more than for him, I believe that he believed.  It is common to get angry with God, or so the hospice booklet said.  

I am bordering on religion here, but religious faith was how I was brought up.  Not sure why I am blocking because today I prayed with faith, I talked to Billy and told him I could not do this alone.  I had really reached the end of my rope.  Within a few minutes to an hour this woman came to my house to check on the couch.  She wants it and everything else and she and her grandsons and friends are going to move me and she is going to help me clean. (You all know how I hate cleaning.).  I will pay, of course, but probably less than a moving company, and I have nothing so valuable that breaking it will destroy my life.  If Billy were here he would call it coincidence.  I pull on my magical, mystical, reality or imagined.  

It is almost like finding Billy's wedding ring nugget.  I was at the end of my rope then too, and there it was where I had looked at least 10 times before.  I looked for the black cord, it was not on the cord.  Billy was not superstitious, made fun of Scott's belief in ghosts, and was very matter of fact.  I want him here.  If I cannot have him here, I want to feel my faith.  No one can do it for me.  

[kayc]

Oh Marg, that sounds like an answer, if not to prayer, then to your heart's cry!  Maybe Billy had something to do with it, who knows?

[Margm]

[Margm]

Oh, and Kay, I bought a mustard seed necklace before Billy got sick, but within this past year.  

[Gin]

I believe in heaven, but not sure of the details.  Al and I were married before.  We were widowed when we met.  My marriage was hectic and not rewarding,. He was married for 40 years.  We were so thrilled when we got together.  Soul mates right away.  Sixteen years of doing everything together and loving every minute.  Now what happens.  I understand there is no marriage in heaven.  I cannot comprehend that.  I am sure that Al wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.   BUT what if his first wife wants him, also.  Can not deal with that.  I get tangled up with that a lot and feel mighty sad.

Gin

[kayc]

I think we'll be with the one we love, regardless of marriage because the Bible says there's no male/female, or marriage in heaven, I guess it'd complicate things, but we will know each other and will have our memories so we'll still be to each other what we always were.   I don't worry about the details, as long as he can hold me again, that's enough to keep me going! 

[Margm]

My son was shot and coded twice on the operating table.  He said the first time was just blackness.  The second time there were people welcoming him and it was all light, everything bright, I think.  He said he knew them, but he did not know how he knew them but wanted to stay, but they sent him back.  Billy always took his tales of ghosts and things like he was tripping.  Billy always said he would believe in them when he saw them.  Myself, I always quaked in the background thinking "I don't want to see ghosts" but I had two times where I felt the sincere feeling of needing to leave some place and did not want to look back.  Billy laughed at me.  It was an old farmhouse on historic part of national forest.  An old graveyard with mostly Civil War soldiers was across a small creek that ran into  the Buffalo River.  I love historic places, but this one I had to leave, bad feeling.  And, I have had other things happen that Billy just went along with me about, but when I retold it he would deny believing it.  Just humored me.  

I have a friend that her house is haunted.  This is a very sincere person, Christian woman, has had occult people come out, priests, and no one can get rid of them.  At first they said it was a young Native American girl.  Her grandchildren did not want to stay with her so she built a new house.  Whatever she moved from one house to the other housed the "spirits."  Now, Billy did not believe it at all, and I did not tell her for sure.  She would not lie about it.  They come out at night and she reads her Bible.  This is one of my best friends and I believe her.  

So, if Billy was here I would have my belief back, or my weird feelings.  But he is not here and that is the weird feeling I want.  I have told this story about my friend before.  

I have the book on my Kindle by the neurosurgeon, I think it was called something like "Proof of Heaven" but for some reason I cannot read it yet.  

[rdownes]

I know that my faith is not completely gone because when I talk to Kevin I talk up to the sky it is just alittle damaged right now the unknown seems scary now three of my children have had what they consider signs from their dad I plead and begging my Kevin to somehow give me any sign that he can hear my sorrow,knows how sorry I am, a sign to know that just because I can't see him he will always be right by my side I haven't seen anything I miss him so much.

[Margm]

Robin, my son talks to his dad.  He feels like he can feel him around him.  Maybe today, reaching the end of my rope (I know I should have tied a knot in it), but I put my hands on his urn and told him I could not do it alone.  As I wrote, within probably an hour my answer knocked at my door.  She does this for extra money and she will help me get out.  Got lots of stuff to give her also and a washer and dryer.    She will have teenagers take all my stuff and I will rent a truck.  I don't know if Billy had anything to do with it, but I would like to think he did.  I think that both of our faith has been tested.  I tried to talk to an Episcopal priest and his head turned every time he got a text message.  I am a Baptist, but want to try something else, but I have to feel trust in the minister.  I think I will know.  If not, I will walk away until I can find one I can trust that gives me reason to connect with my faith, and possibly Billy.  This is just me.  But, if you have had faith before, you know what we are missing out on and though it won't bring them back, maybe it can make us feel closer to them.  We miss them so much and know they cannot physically help us, but I do believe in miracles, and that is something I thought I had lost.  Good luck girl.  We know what we need, we just have to find it...........and one size does not fit all.  (I don't know which of our male friends on this forum said that, but it was profound and true.  You and I have friends on here.  

[KATPILOT]

It's okay Robin. He knows. Sometimes when we are so consumed by grief we miss some signs almost as if we were blinded by tears.  I believe that time is very different on the other side. What seems like months to us may be like a brief moment to them and they can be on the other side of the cosmos and back again in a heartbeat. He will reach you one day.  Perhaps dear lady you can find a way to forgive yourself in the meantime.

Marge that cracks me up about the text messages.  I wonder if he does that during service on Sundays. My sister got her masters in Theology. By the time she finished, she had chosen a different religion than how we were raised.  Faith is a very powerful thing whichever we choose.

[KATPILOT]

7 hours ago, Gin said:

I believe in heaven, but not sure of the details.  Al and I were married before.  We were widowed when we met.  My marriage was hectic and not rewarding,. He was married for 40 years.  We were so thrilled when we got together.  Soul mates right away.  Sixteen years of doing everything together and loving every minute.  Now what happens.  I understand there is no marriage in heaven.  I cannot comprehend that.  I am sure that Al wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.   BUT what if his first wife wants him, also.  Can not deal with that.  I get tangled up with that a lot and feel mighty sad.

Gin

I understand how you feel Gin and I'm not sure about the marriage in heaven thing but I hear you say "soul mates right away".  Soul mate trumps marriage.  I guess it comes down to what you want. It sounds to me that Al loves you too. I have wondered a lot about this very concept for my dad married again but he so loved my mom. He just couldn't live alone. He married my step mom and there was love there for sure but it wasn't the same. Soul mates?  Not at all. Happy together here on earth?  Absolutely. I have no doubt that my dad is with my mom. My step mom however was quite religious and went off to be with God. I watched her go with a smile in her heart.  You can be married for forty years and not be soul mates. In the end you need to go where the heart is. I think Al will. You met for a reason. That's how soul mates work.

[Dew's Girl]

Your Kevin sounds like an amazing guy.  I'm so glad you found each other in this life.

I share your same doubts but they don't stop me from talking to my Daniel every day.  

I live to believe we will find Kevin and Daniel in the next life.  It's all that keeps me going despite the doubts.

[Cookie]

I have had some of the same thoughts about the afterlife.  I always felt John and I were soulmates, but I just read something that says that after you die you become part of a big energy, that you have lived many times before and have many other connections, maybe other soulmates.  That really depressed me, just like you, Gin.  In this earthly realm, I need to believe I will be with John and that he wants to be with me still.  It's all so lonely feeling.  Who knows what really happens, that's what we are left with, and God to me could be any number of things that are bigger than us.  Well, enough of that.  Right here, right now, I miss my husband profoundly......warmly, Cookie

[Cookie]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I think we'll be with the one we love, regardless of marriage because the Bible says there's no male/female, or marriage in heaven, I guess it'd complicate things, but we will know each other and will have our memories so we'll still be to each other what we always were.   I don't worry about the details, as long as he can hold me again, that's enough to keep me going! 

I like that thought, Kayc....Cookie