House-Fire

[LilyPad27]

I am 25, and I recently lost my grandma and great-aunt in a house fire. They died of smoke inhalation. The firemen found my great-aunt on the front steps, and my grandma lying just a few feet from the front door. I was talking to my grandma on the phone that night maybe an hour before the fire happened. It was a normal conversation, and then I got a Facebook message from a family friend that her mother had died (I used to sit with her mom some as her mom was sick) and asking me to come over. I told my grandma that I had to go, and then we got off the phone. I could never have imagined that I would never speak to her again. While I was at my family friend's house, and we were waiting on the coroner, my step-dad came over and said that my grandma and my great-aunt's house had burned down, and that they were at the hospital but the hospital wasn't releasing their condition. He told me to go home and my get my mom and the boys, as he was heading straight down. While I was getting my mom, he called and told us that they had both died. It's so awful.

I was really close to my grandmother. My mom and I lived with her from the time I was born until I was about 11 or so. Then my mom married my step-dad, and my grandma moved in with my great-aunt. We then lived in a house where our backyard lined up with their backyard. We moved from that house about 2 years ago, but I would still do my grandma's grocery shopping, take her to Dr.'s appointments, and also go to her house in-between classes if I had a long break since she lived close to my school.

I just can't believe that this happened. It was on the news, and I can't believe that it was really them that this happened to. It's just such an awful way to die. I also don't understand why they couldn't make it out of the house in time. They were so close to getting out. They didn't have any mobility issues although the news reported that that was why they couldn't make it out. My grandma wasn't even 70 yet. It's horrible. People always say clichés like "Here Today - Gone Tomorrow" and while you know they are true, you just don't realize how true it is until something like this happens. I was talking to her one minute, and then she was gone the next. We used to go over to my great-aunt's every Christmas when I was a kid, and I just keep thinking about all those times and we never knew what was going to end up happening there, and how awful it would be. My poor grandma and great-aunt.

I keep going from feeling completely devastated to feeling numb like it didn't really happen. When we first got the news, it was unbearable agony and I felt like I would never be happy again. Thankfully, it's not quite as bad as that now. I just don't know that I will ever be over this though. I feel like they are just going to show back up at any time and my grandma will tell us all about what happened. Logically, I know that's not true though. I just wish I got the chance to tell her how much I loved her before it happened.

One of the worst parts, is that nothing will ever change what happened. Has anybody ever experienced anything similar?

[enna]

All I want to do is put my arms around you. I am so very sorry to hear about the devastating loss of your grandma and great-aunt in the house fire. This is a safe place for you to come and talk. Right now you are still in shock and need time to process what has happened. We are here for you. I hope you will find a good grief counselor to talk to. Hugs.

Anne

[kayc]

I am so sorry!  That is horrible, and I can only imagine how you must be feeling.  I hope your friend and you can be support for each other, it helps to have someone who understands loss to share with.  I have had so many losses in my life (I'm older), but I haven't lost anyone to a fire.  I do know how hard sudden death can shock us, it's hard to take it in, hard to believe, I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly.

As Anne has already suggested, I hope you will find a grief counselor to help you through this. 

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm so sorry to learn of the horrific fire that took the lives of your grandmother and your great aunt. This is a sudden, unexpected and traumatic loss for sure, and it's no wonder that you're reeling from the shock of it all.

While you are most welcome to be here among the good and caring people you will meet on this site, I also want to point you to some resources that may help you better understand your own reactions to this terrible tragedy. I invite you to begin with these:

Grief After Traumatic Loss

Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death

Recovering Emotionally After A Residential Fire

[Clematis]

LilyPad, that is a terrible tragedy and horrible in how sudden it was. It is always awful to lose someone that you care deeply about, whether it is sudden or not. My dad and I were very close...he had Parkinson's and I spent ten years fearing every time he didn't answer the phone that he was dead. Many people asked me if it was sudden-well yes, and no. I have a good friend whose parents died in a car accident together-one minute they were fine and then something happened, he over-corrected and they were both gone.

I think when you start the grieving process you focus on the details a lot, but ultimately I think what defines the depth of your grief is more about the depth of your love more than the final details. Please take care of yourself and remember to focus on being careful. 

You were very close to your grandmother, and I'm sure she knew how much you loved her. You probably told her many times how much you loved her. I wasn't with my dad in his final hours and I initially felt badly that I didn't get to say good-bye. Then I realized that I spent the ten years I took care of him saying goodbye. And I believe you spent years telling your grandmother how much you loved her-maybe your whole life. She knew.

Death is horrible in its finality and that is something we all share here as fellow grievers. A grief counselor can be helpful and if you want more support, we are here for you. Every person's situation is somewhat different, but we are nonetheless on the same path.

 

[seachelle]

How devastating and shocking to lose two close family members in the same short period, and so quickly and unexpectedly!  I don't know if you been through a grieving process before but the fluctuation between numbness and sadness/devastation is normal and one of the hardest parts of the process.  Just when you begin to get the relief of the numbness the sadness returns.  Hopefully you and your friend can be a support network for each other through this time.  In the past, for me, it has eventually faded, but it's always agony and in truth, I think this phase it what everyone fears when they are approaching or in the beginning of a grief process.  Take care of yourself, know that what you are experiencing is normal and that you are not alone.  We are here for you if no one else is available to talk!  Best wishes through this trying time.

[LilyPad27]

Enna - Thank you for the kind words. This whole thing has felt like a nightmare.

Kayc - Thank you. I am also sorry about the loss of your husband. I don't know if that is your husband in the picture with you, but he looks like a sweet man. I think when we are young we don't really realize the gravity of how many losses we will have in our life. We know it is inevitable but don't really understand until it starts happening.

MartyT - Thank you for the links, and for your condolences.

Clematis - I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad. I agree that however it happens it is bad. In my case, it was just so sudden and also it's just so ghastly. I think in your case (although I haven't experienced something like that), dreading that they are going to die also makes it worse. It's hard, either way. That is also so awful about your friend's parents. How awful to lose both of them at once. Thank you for the sweet reply.

Seachelle - Thank you. I never knew about the fluctuation between numbness and sadness until this. Best wishes to you too.

[kayc]

LilyPad,

I hope you will continue to come here and read and post.  Yes, that is my husband, it was our wedding day, I think his smile says it all!

[LilyPad27]

KayC - He looks so proud!!! <3 It is truly a lovely picture.

I attached a picture of my grandmother. From left to right: My grandma, a first cousin, my great-aunt, my great-grandma/their mother. The first cousin in the picture is the only one still alive. My great-grandma died back in 2000. This picture was taken at a wedding in 1991.

I'm having a rough time of it today. I just keep crying on and off. I miss her so much. I used to call her just to talk all the time. There is so much stuff that has happened that I wish I could tell her about.

I've also been having dreams about her lately where she calls us or shows up at the house and says she survived the fire, and was just in the hospital this whole time. They are incredibly vivid. In the phone call dream her voice sounded exactly the same. In the dream where she showed up at the house, she had moved into our downstairs bedroom and was crying because my great-aunt didn't make it out of the fire. It's upsetting.

I also dreamed that I was in the car with her riding to Publix, and my (deceased) cat was in my lap. My grandma wanted to know why I brought my cat, and I told her because I could tell my cat would die soon. I think my cat was in the dream because the last 6 months or so of her life, she had to live with my grandma because my little brother suddenly developed a severe allergy. Also, my grandma was the one who bought the cat for me, and my cat always loved her. My cat died a year or so ago. This was the only dream that didn't upset me when I woke up. I think because it had nothing to do with the fire.

I've also been feeling angry but I have nobody to be angry at / nowhere to direct any anger. I just feel like what happened was so unfair. I have so many questions about what exactly happened that night, and nobody really has any answers to those questions except for my grandma and great-aunt. It's like there is no closure. They were just ripped away, and I am gutted.  

[kayc]

Beautiful ladies, that is a picture to treasure!

I know, it's so hard when you don't get any answers, it makes closure way harder, but it can be done, it just takes longer & more work.