I lost my dad 3 days ago and I have so much regrets

[Natalie]

I lost my dad a couple of days ago. I can't believe he's gone, I cannot accept it when i look at his face in the coffin, I wished so bad that he would wake up right now. He left us so suddenly and so soon. I wish i was a better daughter to him, I am just riddled with guilt and regret.

I wish I could hold him one more time, I wish I could kiss him one last time, I wish I could tell him how much I love him and need him. That he cannot go and I need him.

I wished i spent more time knowing my dad the year before, we drifted apart because he was into a sect/cult and i did not approve of his beliefs and we grew distant. I was angry with him.

But i regret it so much, I wish I could undo it all and give him all my love. But I cannot do it anymore and he cannot hear me anymore.

 

I am so consumed by my guilt and loss . I feel like I took my dad for granted that he would always be around for me to mend my mistakes.

 

The months prior to his death he had a stroke and he was recovering, we connected little more but i felt i didn't do enough. Then he had a second stroke, I was away on a trip but I flew right back to see him, by then he wasn't really conscious or aware because of the impact on the brain. The last 2 weeks he was tied down on his bed because he kept trying to escape and scratching himself. I felt like he let go because he couldn't take how his life has turn out to be in the last two months. I feel guilty that i allowed that to happen, I felt guilty I didn't encourage him enough.

I was listening to the song "The Scientist" by coldplay and I wish I could go back to the start.

Please, someone tell me what can i do.

[enna]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad, Natalie.  It is so hard to lose a parent.  You are still in shock and cannot be expected to be even thinking straight. 

I am sorry you have to be here but you will find that the people here are very caring.  This is a safe place for you to express your thoughts.  Death does leave us with so many regrets. Right now, you need to allow your thoughts to come and then let them go.  I think each of us has regrets when it comes to losing a loved one.  Please take the time to grieve your dad now and only later will you be able to sort all those thoughts out.  Thoughts are neither good nor bad and just because we may think those thoughts does not mean they are truthful.

I keep you in my thoughts and I know things will be better later on ~ much later.  

Sending hugs and peace to you.

Anne

[kayc]

I, too, am sorry for the loss of your father.  I was a daddy's girl and lost my father when I was in my 20s,  I know how hard that is.

I'm sure you were a good daughter, we all have regrets when we lose someone we loved closely.  It helps to focus on the good there was.  I believe they know we love them and all is finally well with them.

Maybe you could try writing him a letter and telling him how you feel.  I did that with my husband when he died.

I hope you will do some reading on this site, and feel free to keep posting when you want to.

 

[Clematis]

Natalie, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I am also grieving the loss of my dad. All I can tell you is what you are going through is entirely normal. It is normal to have ups and downs in close relationships, and it makes sense that you would feel more guilt if he happened to die at a time when you were not getting along. Nevertheless, guilt seems to be rather universal for people suffering a loss, and we all wonder what would have happened if we had done this or that, or not done this or that. Unfortunately it goes with the territory, and it doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong. I'm sure your dad knew very well how much you loved him; I don't think that he would forget that because you happened to be upset with him at the time of his passing. I also had a period when I was very angry with my dad and really let him hear about it. I was lucky in that I had a number of years after that to become friends with him, and even closer because we had worked out the early stuff.

Nevetrheless, I also have felt a lot of guilt related to my dad's death and his difficulties near the end of his life. I have been going through his things during the 5-1/2 months since he died and almost every day I learn and realize more about how difficult things were with him at the end. But I didn't do anything wrong and I didn't know more about his struggles because he hid it from me; he didn't want me to know. Also, we were very close. I took care of him during the last ten years of his life (my mother died 11 years ago and I talked him into moving across the country from PA to AZ). We didn't live in the same house, but I could get in my car in front of my condo and be at the door at his condo in a minute and a half.

From the very beginning, I have asked myself what if I had done this or that, but I know that it is just part of what you go through in grief. I know in my mind that there is no one who would even start to wonder if I could have done more for my dad. I did everything humanly possible for him. But that didn't keep me from feeling guilt, and if anything I probably have felt a lot deeper grief because I became so invested in helping him to survive and have the best quality of life he could have.

Everyone who grieves has a different grief and a different situation, and yet we are still on the same path. I hope you keep coming back to us on the forum here and share your story and your experiences. Take care of yourself, and remember-we are here for you.

Laura

[MartyT]

I hope you will take these wise comments from others to heart, Natalie. I also invite you to read this article, in hopes that it will help: Guilt in The Wake of A Parent's Death  ♥

[Mom's angel]

Hey, I just read your post. I'm so sorry. I lost my mom 20 Nov 2015.. I'm 21 and she was 42... Each and every word of your post is what I feel... Just the 'one more time' is always there... Guilt is something that surrounds me too as I was not with my mom when she took her last breath and it hurts to even type it all.. This is an amazing site and you'll find support from all the lovely and understanding people here.. 

 

I have cried a million tears.. Singing the song " the scientists " by coldplay... The song perfectly describes what I want to tell my mom... That I want her to be back.. That I want to go back to the start..

[Natalie]

Thank you everyone for connect to me and reaching out to tell me about your experiences and how you've coped with grief. This is an amazing site and while I feel so sad about my dad's passing I am glad to have found love and compassion in unknown places.

I spoke to a friend recently whose mother had passed when he was 14 and he tells me that it still affects him till today, in the silent moments or late at night, sometimes when you stumble upon their things. He told me that it will take years but live still moves on and griefing is a way to remember that person. He told me he dealt with his guilt and regret but going on with life doing things in honour for his mom or doing something his mom would have wanted to do or liked him to be.

And I think it's a good way to work towards the forthcoming days. Thank you for comforting me while you guys are also griefing, i am so touched by it. 

KayC - I did write a letter as you suggested. It helped tons.

Clematis - I read your story before I wrote your article and I felt like you were very much like my sister. you did your best for your dad and all you could and I know guilt will still hit us the same. I want to say that you did good and beyond anything he must have cherish all the memories he had with you the most.

Marty - Thank you I'll read it up as soon as I am done with this text

Mom's Angel - I wish i could give you a long deep hug, perhaps to fill that emptiness in our hearts for a little while. <3

[kayc]

It helps to have a friend who has been there and you can talk with.