My girlfriend broke up with me, because her father has cancer

[Chanman]

Okay so on July 3rd my girlfriend Amanda just ended our relationship of 7 months because I was "adding to much stress" onto her already stressful life, she just found out her dad has stage 4 stomach cancer and has 2 months to live, and has now ended our amazing relationship, we literally did everything together, we were so in love, she told me how much she loved me every single day and how she wanted to be together forever and wanted to get married and have kids, move in together, ect, ever since her dad got sick she hasn't been the same and we fought all the time just because I wanted to see her more, you see I went from seeing her every single day to maybe once a week and this was a hard adjustment for me, our relationship was incredible before all of this, we spent everyday together we loved all the same things, we were best friends and everything was heaven sent, we lost our virginities to eachother and that just made us feel 10x more connected and she used to say the sweetest things to me daily about how she wanted to be with me forever and how she loved me so much and how there's no one else she'd rather be with.

so on July 2nd we got in a really bad fight and she was saying that she wanted to take a break and I was having a hard time accepting it and I told her just to think about it and she said she was going to watch a movie with her parents 

I get a text from her about 30 mins later saying basically that she still wanted to be with me forever and that she still loved me and that she wants this to work but it's not going to if I don't stop fighting with her..

so the next morning I ask her if she wanted to hangout before we work (we work together by the way) and she said no so I imeedatly felt bad and asked why and she said she wanted to take her time getting ready but she had already promised me previously that she would spend time with me that day, so I was hurt and I confronted her on it, then she said she was right about taking the break and broke up with me, I tried to beg for her back after work that night and she wouldn't budge, she then said she'd figure out what's best for her and she'd see if she wants to get back together when in the past she said if we ever took a break she promised we'd get back together...

im just extremely heartbroken and sick from all of this, I don't understand why this is happening and how she can go from being head over heels in love with me to leaving me like I'm nothing..

ill explain the story in better detail if people can help

 

[I Don't Believe This]

You are young. A little insecure. I get that I have been too. If you haven't read my story go read it. You have to let her go. I am currently a thousand miles from my girlfriend wishing I were with her but it is the only chance I have of salvaging my relationship.

If you don't let go it will be over. Do whatever you can to take your mind off it all. Take a vacation with buddies. Work out at the gym. Do anything that makes you stop thinking about her.

[kayc]

The absolute worst thing you could do is put pressure on her.  She is grieving (anticipatory) and cannot handle any pressure or stress on top of what she is going through.  She may feel guilty for spending time with you instead of every second she can with her dad.  She may feel the need to be there for her mom too.

It's important for her at this time that you be selfless and think of things from her perspective, which is hard because you're not going through this, she is.

Right now, and I'm giving you the best advice I can as blunt as I can so you'll get it, do not talk relationship talk with her.  Do not pressure her in any way.  Think of ways you can help her through this horrible situation and put aside any selfishness.  If you can't do that you've probably lost her for good.

I'm sorry, I know this is hard, but try to hold it together and think with your head instead of whatever you are feeling.  You put it best when you said:

3 hours ago, Chanman said:

don't understand why this is happening

You're right.  You don't understand.

[Chanman]

I already have screwed up, I tried talking to her, it's been 5 days since our breakup and almost every other day I've tried talking to her about us and how I wish we could get back together in the future, but also that I have accepted the breakup for the time being and she told me that it's over and that I need to move on 

i just feel like she isn't the girl I fell in love with, she used to be so down for me, she loved being with me, she loved every second we spent together and now she just acts like I don't exist

this is so hard

today someone told me that they saw she posted a picture on her snapchat story (which she had blocked me from seeing to avoid hurt feelings) saying that they saw her smoking weed on her story with this girl from work that is bad news and I told her not to hangout with while we were together

i was very hurt and felt betrayed because she said she gave up weed for me and now she's back to it and hanging out with people I told her to avoid

i also don't know why she has time for friends and weed but doesn't have time for me?

she told me that she's sick of me trying to control her while we're not together and she went and blocked me on every social media and now I'm just really sad because I don't know what she's doing and I hate that I don't know what's up anymore

im not over her, I still feel like she's my girlfriend even tho she isn't, this is so hard 

we were so good together, we were so in love, how does she just drop me like nothing??

[kayc]

She is very stressed and undoubtedly trying to relieve her anxiety and calm herself.  It's not your business to judge her.  

If you would read the other threads in this section, you would realize that this is often the case...

39 minutes ago, Chanman said:

i also don't know why she has time for friends and weed but doesn't have time for me?

I don't know how, but they do it...

 

41 minutes ago, Chanman said:

how does she just drop me like nothing??

It's part of the grief.  It changes who you are.

[I Don't Believe This]

My advice stands. Let her go. Your only chance is to pretend she doesn't exist for a while. In a few months maybe you will get lucky and she will reach out to you.

[kayc]

Sometimes you have to let go of a bird so it can fly, and if it comes back to you, that is an added bonus.

[Widowedbysuicide]

The replies here have been the best advice, from those who know, they are giving it from their knowledge and from their hearts. 

[Chanman]

It's been about 10 days since we've broken up and I haven't talked to her for at least 4 days at all, I am trying to keep my mind off of her, but being as it is summer I have more free time then I'd like, all my friends are busy, since we work in the same place while I'm there I can't help but think about her and all the memories we have at our workplace, she is currently working opposite shifts as me, but with it being slow at the moment I just have way to much time to think about her, I constantly check her social media to see what is going on and she seems to be not posting much anymore, but from stuff she has tweeted or liked it seems like she's over me and I don't know how this can be? She was really in love with me, I know she was, all of my friends and people in my life knew she was, I can't help but worry about her, I really think she's the one, the way we met, how mutual our feelings were before we even knew we liked eachother, it's just like nothing I've ever seen, I can't let her go, I feel like she has to still have love for me, I feel like there has to be something in her that wants to make this relationship work, why does she have so much time for friends now, she never had time for me, i really cannot wrap my head around any of this..

i have an idea but I don't know how it's going to turn out, so I've told myself I am not going to contact her in any way this whole week, on friday we both work a night shift at work, I was thinking maybe I could try and talk to her and see if she would be down to go get dinner after work just as something casual so we can catch up and see how she feels about everything, is this a bad idea, I feel like it might work

[I Don't Believe This]

Dinner is too much. Don't do it. One week is not long enough.

Since you work with her keep the conversation on work. Work is probably her distraction too. You don't want her to feel bombarded by personal s*** at work. In addition it could lead to harassment accusations for you.

At most you should simply say "I hope you are doing well if you need to talk I am here for you."

The key point you are missing is that this is only the beginning and it will get much worse for her before it gets any better. Her dad is dying. She is feeling pain but when he dies it will get worse. 

I was with my girlfriend for two weeks while she cared for her dad in hospice. She was not the same woman I had met at that time. He died on April 30th and is still mourning him as well as a half dozen other people.

Let go and you have a chance.

[I Don't Believe This]

I should add. There is a major difference between your situation and mine. I have separated from my girlfriend. I have left her in Montana to heal on her own. I am one week away from moving all the way to Tampa Florida which will put 2500 miles between us.

But, we have not broken up. We explicitly agreed that while we were limiting contact we are still together. We communicate a little every day. Even so I can still screw this up and pressure her into pushing me away. 

You don't have that connection. She doesn't want to talk to you. Your only option is to wait for her to approach you. Anything more than the quote I gave you above will likely be unwelcome.

[kayc]

BAD IDEA BAD IDEA BAD IDEA!!!  Do NOT contact her at work!  It can lead to a harassment charge and the end of your job.  Respect her wishes.  It is the ONLY way to preserve what little there still might be.  You don't have to listen to us, read all of the other threads in this section, then you'll get a general idea of what is going on here.

[Chanman]

I don't know what to do  this is so hard for me, I'm so in love with her and I don't know how she can do this to me, she loved me so much, she really did I just want to try to work things out, I'm not feeling better, everyday that goes by I miss her more not less, I'm so attached to her, I can't let go and I can't stand not talking to her, I almost feel as if I am becoming depressed, nothing sounds fun to me anymore and she's all I can ever think about ?

[Chanman]

I also just want to know 

does she miss me at all? Is she completely done with me? Do I cross her mind? Is she still mad at me for the way I was being before we broke up? Does she still love me? I just wish I knew ?

[I Don't Believe This]

20 minutes ago, Chanman said:

I also just want to know 

does she miss me at all? Is she completely done with me? Do I cross her mind? Is she still mad at me for the way I was being before we broke up? Does she still love me? I just wish I knew ?

If you read the stories here you will find large amounts of helpful information from the perspective of the women on these forums. That information can help you to understand how your ex-girlfriend is feeling right now.

I am going to give you the perspective from a guy. Call this a dose of harsh reality.

Your girlfriend is going through a life changing event. Who she was before is not who she will be later. She is NOT thinking about you. She is NOT missing you. At least not at this time. Maybe she will in the future but not right now.

You are putting forth a desperate, insecure, series of actions and thoughts. No woman wants a man who is desperate and insecure. Women want a man who is confident and secure.

If you cannot suck up your feelings and take control yourself you will only prove to your ex-girlfriend that you are not the confident secure man she needs.

Further more she rejected you. I guarantee that she was considering breaking up with you before she actually did. Her reasoning of breaking up because you were being controlling is not because her dad is sick. That behavior is all on you and you were probably triggering feelings of red flags before dad's illness. It just came to the surface when she was stressed.

It is almost always easier for the dumper to move on than the dumpee because the dumper has already been thinking about leaving and typically takes the dumpee by surprise.

You have got to look at this as a learning experience and move forward. Look back at your behavior in the relationship and figure out all the little things you did that pushed her away and then not do that again when you find another chance with another girl.

[Chanman]

I understand this, I do but im just having a hard time believing she is actually done because of reasons like this 

she sent me this text like a week before she broke up with me

its hard to move on because of stuff like this

[kayc]

My fiance was my fiance clear up until the day he wasn't.  I know it's hard to understand how they can go from hot to cold, yet they do.  It's part of grief.  I still recommend your reading this thread in it's entirety so you can get a whole picture of what really can happen when one of a couple is hit with grief.

[I Don't Believe This]

In addition go to Reddit Relationship Advice and read about clingy insecure behaviors and how they affect relationships. The more you post here the more I see the relationship issues you have and red flags you clearly raise.

How old are you? I am guessing less than 24.

[kayc]

I wanted to bump this old thread so you could read it, but I found it very helpful when I went through my breakup years ago.  It was originally written by Don Ho on loveshack.org, I've listed it in the following link:

 

[Chanman]

I'm 17 and I've never had a real relationship before this and no one has really ever been interested in me, as soon as I found Amanda we both fell hard for eachother and everything was very mutual and she said so many things to me daily about how she wanted to be with me forever and how she would never leave no matter what, I know I am young and dumb but something with her felt very real and true which is very hard to find at my age, she made me believe in everything she was saying and we spent literally everyday together for the first 6 months, we were rarely away from eachother, we both became very very dependent on eachother and very attached, which caused us to argue a lot, it was never anything that bad or relationship threatening, but as soon as her dad got sick and I asked to see her more because I was used to being with her everyday, is where things got bad and she called me selfish and stuff, and then she said she just wants to be alone right now and that someday we can patch things up, but right now she needs space.. 

Its hard for me because we have had more good times then I can count and I have never connected with a human being more than I have with her, she literally made me believe that we were soul mates because she said that stuff daily, she made me feel secure and loved, something I lacked on before, so when it was all taken away from me, I'm having a hard time at feeling okay

i know you don't know exactly how are relationship was but I'm telling you it was perfect aside from the arguing that happened on occasion

[I Don't Believe This]

Once again, 

Read everything on this site. Read what Kay has post for you and read content on Reddit Relationship Advice and since you are a teen Reddit Teen Relationship Advice. 

You have come here to ask for help. Kay has 60+ years of life experience, I have 45 and instead of listening to the answers to your questions you are trying to argue with us and show us how we are wrong.

You are young, immature and inexperienced. This is not a bad thing, it is just being 17. What you don't understand is that every day, there are new young "PERFECT" relationships like yours ending because they really are not perfect. You only think they are. If you take my advice and read through Reddit Relationships you will see how the pattern you are describing happens over and over. You both lost your virginity to each other. You are hooked on a fantasy. Your girlfriend probably felt problems before  and tried to ignore them, but when her dad got sick it brought problems to the surface. 

Your best bet is to move on and find a new girlfriend. At 17 this seems like the end of the world but between now and the time you reach 25 you have a lot of maturing to do and you will not be the same person you are now. The probability of any teen relationship actually making it to age 25 is very very slim. What you want to do is experience as much life as you can and really learn how to be the best partner you can be for a woman. Then at age 25 start looking for a life companion.

Hard questions....

If your relationship was "Perfect" Why did you fight and argue? Isn't that a contradiction?

If your girlfriend dumped you that quickly and easily there are fundamental incompatabilities between the two of you. Maybe without a sick father you could have worked on them but she has shown that when the going gets tough she bails. Why do you want to waste time on someone who will dump you so easily?

She dumped you. She made her choice. Regardless of the circumstances she has decided to cut you out of her life. You need to focus on yourself and focus on the future and forget about the past. 

Go to the gym. Lift weights and exercise. It will really help.

I am in a difficult situation with my girlfriend, but as I noted above. We are still in a relationship. We are separated by distance. I am specifically not talking about the future and about our relationship. I will admit I slip a little every now and then, but in general I am following the advice in the post Kay made from Loveshack.

If my girlfriend gives up on us. I will follow the same advice I am giving you here. I will move on and not look back. Because that means she has thrown me away. I won't even try to be her friend because I know my feelings for her will linger inside of me for a very long time. 

[kayc]

It may have seemed perfect to you but it obviously didn't to her.  I repeat, respect her choice and spend time working on yourself.  Maybe with some no contact time and working on your own issues you'll be more prepared next time around.  Good luck to you, I know how painful this can be!

[MartyT]

My friend, you are very young, and clearly this is your first love, and it may well be your first significant loss. I don't want to minimize the fact that your heart is broken, you're confused, upset and very hurt. I just want to acknowledge that, and let you know that you are being heard.

The advice you're getting comes from people who are older and far more experienced in life and love and loss, so it may seem to you that they just don't understand. I hope you know that they mean well and are coming from a very caring place.

Unfortunately there are some things in life that we just have to experience for ourselves ~ and that includes falling in love for the very first time and risking that maybe one day we will lose the person we love. You are in the midst of a very difficult and challenging situation, and my heart hurts for you. I hope you have someone you trust (a relative, teacher, pastor, close friend) that you can talk to about all of this ~ someone who will listen to you and support you as you find your way through this. 

I invite you to read this article, and I sincerely hope it helps: Losing First Love: Losing It Without Losing Yourself ♥  

[kayc]

I am taking into consideration not only what you wrote here, but also your post on reddit.  I have been through many losses and joined many forums and learned a lot through each of them, including loveshack.org, which I posted some of the pointers from above.  I got that information too late to help me in my situation (six years ago) but thought it might give you your very best possible chance for recovery of this relationship if you would heed it.  It is because we DO care that we responded.  Good luck!