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Grief Triggered by New Pet


Anne25

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Hello!

The dog I grew up with, Spence, passed away last April, and my entire family was quite devastated by the loss. A few weeks ago, my family began looking at other pets online, as my mom is anticipating the need of a new companion when I move out in the future. At first, I thought a new pet would be a happy addition to our house. The grief of Spence was still present, but I felt like I had been healing quite a bit. My mom found a very sweet and affectionate new dog who we adopted and brought home yesterday.

I know it will take an adjustment period getting to know this new dog, but I've surprisingly found myself feeling depressed and upset and reminded of the loss of Spence more than ever before. I see this dog, and all I can think of is how much I miss Spence. I feel like I cannot talk about this grief with my mom due to the fact that she was apprehensive of adopting a dog so soon after Spence passed away, and hearing that I am constantly upset would make her doubt her decision.

Is it normal for a new pet to trigger a stronger sense of grief for an old one? Thank you in advance for your help.

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Dear Anne, I assure you that whatever you may be feeling in the wake of this loss is normal ~ normal for YOU, and that is all that matters! Each person reacts to loss in his or her own unique way, and grief is as individual as a person's fingerprint.

That said, you might take some time to think about and examine whatever else you may be feeling related to Spence's death. You don't say how Spence died (that is, was this death expected? Sudden and unexpected, or traumatic in any way? At the end of his normal life span?) There are lots of factors involved in how we react to the death of a beloved animal companion, including our age, our past experience with significant loss, our family's ways of dealing with sorrow, our own personality patterns, and what we've been taught to believe about life and death, to name a few. It also helps to learn about what IS "normal" in pet loss. (See, for example, Pet Loss: Is It A Different Kind of Grief?)

I think it's only natural for you to be comparing everything about this new dog with all the things you loved about your Spence ~ even if a part of you acknowledges that doing so may not be fair to the new pup. You see, feelings like this aren't always logical or rational. What matters is what you do with what you are feeling. It's okay to feel disappointment that this new dog is not the same as Spence, as long as you don't take out your disappointment on the new dog. Maybe you can express your feelings of sadness or disappointment by writing (here is a very safe place to do that!) or by talking with someone you know and trust. It's understandable that you don't want to say anything to your mom that would make her doubt her decision, but maybe you could find someone else in your circle whom you know will listen to you without judging you. 

You also don't say what if anything your family has done to remember Spence. Finding ways to memorialize him will help you honor the close relationship you had with him and keep his memory alive in your heart and to. (You'll find lots of ideas and suggestions here: Memorializing Pets We Have Lost.)

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I'd say it's normal, to be expected even.  Try not to expect the new pet to behave like the original one, or to even fill the void of him, but realize they will create their own space in your heart and in your family all their own.  I've never had two cats alike, nor even two dogs, I think it's helped by getting very different ones to keep that distinct and not expect them to be the same.  My Lucky was graceful and could run like the wind and very obedient.  My Arlie is gigantic and more cumbersome, a slower runner due to his girth, and stubborn as all get out.  But he has a wonderful personality that was made just for me.  I appreciate Lucky for who she was, but enjoy Arlie to the max for who he is, never were two so different!

Just the fact that you're getting a new pet is enough to stir up those feelings of grief.  You may be feeling guilty for getting a new one, as if you're trying to replace the old one.  Maybe tell your deceased pet how you're feeling, that no one could ever take his place, but that you are feeling the need for the company and you hope he knows you will always love him.  

I wish you well in this new adoption, it may take some time to adjust on both of your parts.  Give it time, I'm sure you'll grow an attachment, it doesn't happen overnight.

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I can so relate to this right now... I found an adoptable dog who shares the same father as Kura's. (We lost Kura unexpectedly in February.) I thought about all possible obstacles and tried not to think about it, but I couldn't let go. About two week or so ago, we decided to foster him. He looked a lot like Kura, just different colors. I was so very excited. It felt like I was getting my Kura back. The first 2 days, everything was going very well and I was very happy, although I can't deny that I found myself comparing and noticing similarities and differences... Then the third night, our pet dog and the foster dog engaged in a scuffle (which we are not sure what caused it) and our dog got bitten in the neck (luckily no puncture wound, just hematoma). I feel terrible now. We had to return him to his previous foster, just in 3 days... I feel really bad for the dog, I feel like we failed him. I feel terrible thinking this way but now the loss of Kura feels even bigger than ever - now that we realized how PERFECT he was and how lucky we were... and we will probably never find any dog like him :(

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Oh Anne, I am so sorry for your loss. Spence sounded like a wonderful dog. Do you have a photo of him?  It is indeed very normal for someone to miss the first pet when getting another.  What your feeling is normal for you. Another dog will not replace your past companion but the memories you have of Spence will always be with you. 

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When you've had that perfect dog and you're getting a new one, it's so important to keep your mind and heart open for loving the qualities they possess, for whoever they are.  You might find them complete opposites as in my case, but you love the good things about the new one even while you still have memories of the old one.  In my case the two dogs aren't even comparable.  But then that's how my two kids were, complete opposites.  They have a couple of things in common, they're both intelligent, good at math, organized, can handle money well, have a great sense of humor, but there it seems to end.  Everything about them seems polar opposites in their personalities.  I love them both but I've learned to appreciate the good qualities that each possesses.

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Nikki,

I'm sorry for that experience, that had to be hard.  I doubt there is a Kura clone, and maybe that's too much to put on any dog.  It had to be hard to have your dog get bit and suffer for it.  I can't have my dog and my son's dog together anymore because the last time my dog got bit five times.  And for some reason my son and his wife blame MY dog for it!  Maybe it's easier than recognizing the truth?  The easy solution is keeping the dogs apart.  That's too bad because I always enjoyed my granddoggies visits.  My neighbor's dog was also bit when they had them around his dogs too, so I know it's not just a problem with my dog.  And a while back when I saw my granddoggy I noticed a wound on his ear and asked my son about it, he was bit by another dog (so another dogfight).  Some dogs are just aggressive, I'm sure training would help but perhaps not fully alleviate it.

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Firstly, thank you all for your replies. They've most definitely helped as I try to navigate my feelings of grief and confusion. I can relate so easily with those of you who feel like you've lost the perfect dog--Spence lived for 14 years and was with me at some of the most formative years of my life and is truly irreplaceable. With that said, I know it's not fair to compare our new dog, Babs, with Spence. I think it's just when she lays a certain way or does something that reminds me of Spence, his loss seems so much harder to bare. I planted some "forget-me-not" seeds in a planter earlier this summer in his honor, as if he could ever be forgotten :)

So sorry to hear about your loss, Nikki. I know we were so lucky to have had perfect pets like Kura and Spence that have provided us with so many memories and love.

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What you are describing is a trigger...Babs reminds you of Spence.  That is hard, because the wound still feels fresh regardless of how much time it's been.  I know that's hard, my heart goes out to you.

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