Mixed Emotions

[cucca828]

When I signed up for this forum a few days ago, it was for anticipatory grief. My grandmother was put in ICU last Thursday, and it was touch and go. I spent the night at the hospital for the second time last night, and was planning to go back tonight. An hour ago, I learned that she had passed peacefully. Friends are wonderfully supportive, and I know she is in a better place. A thought I am struggling with though, is the one I had at the back of my mind for a few days: it would be so much better for her and all of us if she could just go now, instead of facing weeks of uncertainty. One of my thoughts after I learned of her passing was that "I wished her away." I know it isn't true, but I'm unsure of what to do with those feelings. Or the feelings I know I will have when I have to work on school work (I'm a grad student), in the midst of grieving and in between family time and funeral home stuff. The class I am in right now is on group therapy, and I am planning to attend a grief support group for a while, starting Aug 2. This will help me work through these issues and learn more about groups in the process. In the meantime, though, I could use some words of wisdom regarding all these mixed emotions.

[kayc]

No, your thoughts had no bearing on her passing.  If anything, HER thoughts could have affected her passing, if she felt it was time or if she was suffering or if she had someone she wanted to be with on the other side.  

It is hard to grieve while trying to keep up with school/work, but the distraction can be helpful as well.  I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had my job to go to in the daytime, evenings/weekends were tough enough to get through.

I am sorry for your loss, even when we anticipate it, there is no way to totally be prepared for the finality of death we end up facing.  I hope you get a good grief support group, Marty has helps for finding a group support group that is right for you:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

[MartyT]

My dear, I know it is distressing to you, but the notion that your thoughts had anything to do with causing the death of your grandmother is just not true. If wishes alone could determine her living or dying, then it would have worked both ways: You could just as easily have wished her to get well and live. We simply do not have that kind of power over life and death, and wishing does not make something so. Still, guilt is often a feeling we have in grief: guilt for what we think we've done or failed to do. Oftentimes it is irrational, with no basis in fact. It helps to acknowledge it, examine it, expose it to the light of day, evaluate it, talk it over with someone you trust to see if it's justified, make amends if necessary, then let it go. See, for example, Grief and The Burden of Guilt.

For what it's worth, my father died suddenly and unexpectedly when I'd just begun my first semester in graduate school, barely three weeks into my advanced psychiatric nursing program at Rutgers. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but with the support of my classmates and faculty, I was able to work through my grief and keep up with my studies too. I did it as my way to honor my father, because I've always wanted him to be proud of me. It can be done, I promise you.  ♥

[cucca828]

Thank you both for your thoughtful, wise responses. I know you are right about it not being my fault.

I have let go of that guilt, but am still finding mixed emotions to deal with everywhere I turn. Visitation was yesterday from 5-8. I found myself thinking how nice it was having three hours to visit and reminisce with friends and loved ones, and then the next minute, I was thinking how emotionally exhausting it was. One minute I was telling friends we'll get through it, because we know she is happy, the next minute I couldn't believe she was gone. It bothers me that I didn't cry when I saw her. All I could think about was that she didn't look like herself and it was really sad that I never got to take her to her first appointment with her new hair stylist. I don't remember crying during visitation at all. It wasn't until after it was over, when I was carrying leftover pizzas to the car, that I put my head down on the trunk and cried. I'm sure all this is somehow "normal." It sure doesn't seem that way when it's happening though.

The thing that bothers me most about yesterday is family tension and conflict. That's one of the most perplexing paradoxes in this situation is that on the days we set aside to honor and remember one of the people we love most, one of the most loving people I know, we forget how much we love each other. It wasn't anything huge, just stress and misunderstandings. I still hate it though, and it hope it doesn't pop up again today.

Nanny's funeral is today at 1:00pm. I know replies before then are unlikely, because of church and other weekend events. (Actually, different time zones. Just realized that. Anyway...) That is ok. I would still love to hear insights and anecdotes, and anything else you have to share. One thing that helps the most to remember, even in the midst of family conflict and emotional exhaustion, is that I am not alone.

[MartyT]

You most certainly are NOT alone, my dear, and your words are being "heard." Our hearts are with you on this challenging day.

What you're seeing among your family members is not unusual at times like this. This article explains it well, and I hope it helps: When Death Brings Out The Worst: Family Fighting After a Death  ♥

[kayc]

When death strikes a family, it leaves everyone thin skinned and fragile, full of emotions that are hard to handle, sometimes unfinished business or questions.  It's a very difficult time to get through.  I saw that when my mom died and I called to tell my sister and instead of understanding, she struck out at me with, "Well it's not like she was ever a mother to you!"  I was angry that she'd say that and the first thing I could think of was get off the phone with her asap, to protect my relationship with my sister.  After taking a couple of hours to step back and calm down, I called her back and told her she means a lot to me but what she'd said was not helpful to me and inappropriate response to someone grieving.  I realize she was stuck in anger towards my mom, but I was not, and I chose to let the last few years of my mom's life soften what we'd had and wanted to stay in that, not go back to the hash and rehash ugly stuff.  I had to give my sister room to agree to disagree, knowing that what is right in her eyes is not right for me.

I choose to hold and value the relationships I still have, that is my sisters, my brother, my kids, etc.  We won't always view things the same, but they are all very important people to me!

I will be thinking of you as you go through the funeral, I know it's hard, but there can be good parts to it too.  I just attended the funeral of a young person that was murdered, and I was impressed by what a time of unifying and healing her funeral was.  It's what we choose to focus on and carry with us.  (((hugs)))

[phoenixtag]

It's been about a year since I was on this blog, but I continue to get the messages.   And every once in awhile, I save one.   This is the first time I've answered one of these blogs.

My mom died a little over a year ago now.   And I too had some of those feelings as I had the power of attorney for medical decisions.  Even though we had spoken about and I knew her wishes, it's still that feeling you should have done more, or been there 24 hrs, etc.   But with reflection, you'll see that isn't true.  In my case (and everyone's is different) I was thinking how I wanted things...not how she would want things.   Dying with dignity.

You're doing everything I did....blogs, talking, group, Hospice....etc etc... and it's all a journey.  It'll never go away your feeling, but you'll learn to understand it.

Go to the ceremony that Hospice puts on the weekend before Thanksgiving....that was the real catalyst for my healing and got me through the "first" holidays...

And stress brings out the best and the worst in families.

All the best

Terry