I lost my world...

[OkCrew]

I lost my Mom on June 18th. She was 69. She was a "young 69" too-- active and only just starting to get her first grey hairs this year. She had afib for most of her adult life which may have caused a warning stroke about 10 years ago. So, she was managed on blood thinners and we were always worried about strokes and heart problems. When this all went down 10 years ago she started drinking way too much. She never appeared to be drunk or impaired in any way but she was almost always slow nursing a martini and it worried me so much. She wouldn't listen to any of the family's concerns on this though and we had the array of doctors she saw for her other problems keep an eye on this throughout the years.

She bruised easily because of the blood thinners. She frequently had fluid in her legs because of suspected congestive heart failure. She started to have trouble walking and a neurologist did an MRI and found some narrowing areas of her spine. This could be helped with back surgery which was being scheduled. She was finally going to get some relief! Because of her overall health issues, she had stopped drinking in early May. She replaced her martinis with a locally crafted cream soda habit that had started to give her a little paunch. So, she even started exercising!

She had biweekly blood panels because of the blood thinners. On the evening of June 3rd she was feeling great and getting ready for a neighborhood party. We had just returned from a family vacation. Her doctor called because of elevated creatinine levels suggesting kidney problems. The doctor said to go to the ER-- she was admitted overnight for observation.  She went from feeling fine to unconscious within two days. She had an end stage liver and failing kidneys. She was put into home hospice at the end of the week and she passed one week after that.

So, now look back at my second paragraph. All of those explanations for those symptoms were false. She bruised easily because of her failing liver. She had fluid in her legs because of the failing kidneys. Her weak legs were also from the hepatorenal failure. The tummy paunch was not calories it was ascites.

I understand a misdiagnosis, especially when doctors are not presented with a big picture but I don't understand how someone could see 2-3 doctors biweekly for years and have constant blood panels and have all doctors aware of her drinking and yet no one saw this coming. My father or I would go to these appointments so we know this wasn't just my mother keeping a secret about her health or lying to the doctors. We know they were aware of her drinking because it was all over her charts when she went to that ER. I felt what I believed to be a strong bias from the doctors and nurses because she "did this to herself". She wasn't eligible for a liver transplant because of the recent drinking. I asked to be tested for compatibility to donate half of my own liver to her but it wasn't followed up on seriously.

In the end, I don't think she would have been able to survive the transplant operation anyway but I'm angry about the bias (that I at least perceived, was it real?) from the doctors in the hospital. I'm angry that when she had a brief moment of consciousness before leaving the hospital for home hospice, the doctors tried to pressure her into admitting she was an alcoholic. What was the point then? Were they going to pull out the "real treatment" then because she admitted it even though she was scheduled to go home to die? I'm angry that her usual physicians were all looking in the wrong direction the entire time. (She never had congestive heart failure.) I'm angry that she wouldn't stop or slow down her drinking or that I didn't try harder to stop her. I'm angry again about the missed diagnoses because when I did talk to her about her drinking she was able to respond with "That's not the problem, it's this this and this..."   

Mostly though I'm just heartbroken... I feel like I no longer can hold onto my life's goals because I don't have her to share them with.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[kayc]

I think the best thing you can do is talk to her doctors about your concerns because you have some really legitimate concerns.

I'm sorry you lost your mom, especially so young.

It's hard to get someone we love to quit drinking or quit smoking or start exercising or stop eating sugar or any of the other things we wish they'd change.  They're in denial and don't seem to see the consequences of their choices because they're often like ostriches with their heads buried in the sand.  My father was an alcoholic, yet he never saw it.  My husband smoked, he was trying to quit when he died of a heart attack.  I have a sister that's next because she smokes, eats sugar, won't exercise.  I can't change anyone.  I can't wake them up.  I have to live with the consequences of their choices.  It does no good to be angry with them, although that's a part of grief.  In the end I have to accept them as they are and the consequences of their choices as part of who they are.  All we can do is learn from their mistakes and try to make healthier choices for ourselves.  So I've never drank, never smoked, I don't eat sugar, I walk twice a day.  In spite of all that I still got Diabetes, I still have the genes I inherited.  All we can do is play the hand we're dealt.

You will feel angry because your mom is gone, you probably can't avoid that.  As long as you don't stay in that mode too long, that's okay too.  Sometimes life is just too dang unfair!  

[OkCrew]

Thank you for your reply. For the record, I don't walk around angry all the time. Different emotions come and go and come back again. I was having a bad time last night when I wrote that post.

My mother is survived by my father, myself, and my brother. I worry about my Dad. He seems to be doing okay but I project great pain on to him-- like he can't possibly be coping. I know that everyone grieves differently and that I shouldn't assume he's just not processing. After 20 years of living geographically apart, my parents retired near me about 5 years ago. I'm glad I got to see my Mom day to day for these last few years. (We've always talked on the phone many many times a day-- before and after the move.) Now I am going back and forth to their house a lot to keep it running. Just as an  example, my Mom has saltwater fish tanks that my Dad has no idea how to maintain. I could dismantle them and all the other things that may be too much work for him but I think, for the time being, I should try to keep his usual environment around him.

It's good that you've been able to accept that you won't change anyone. I'm sorry for your losses. I had some difficult conversations with my mother's sister before my Mom passed. She worried and tried to talk to my mother about her drinking but had finally come to accept that it may lead to her death and there's nothing we can do about it. I, on the other hand, thought I might try to lock my mother in a box or something to protect her from herself!

I often fantasize these days about going back in time 3-4 months and having a conversation with my Mom. I wonder if I could get her to listen to me now... if I would somehow pull out all the stops and say the right and most effective things knowing the horrible events just around the corner.

Anyway, thank you again for listening.

[kayc]

Even if you could go back a few months, it's likely it wouldn't change anything.  Years of drinking (or other things) takes it's toll.  Even if my sister quit smoking today, it's likely too late with the years of damage of not just one issue, but several.  And in the end it is their choices.

I'm glad you're able to be there for your dad and that you've been able to be with your mom in recent years.  Those memories we have are what carry us afterwards.  Peace to you.

[OkCrew]

Thank you. Peace to you as well.

[Clematis]

Hello OkCrew. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It sounds heartbreaking as well as frustrating. My mother died 11 years ago...and it seems to me that the root cause of it was a lifelong habit of no exercise. My dad and I spent years trying to get her to be more active, but she just wouldn't do it. My dad died in January from Parkinson's Disease, that he probably acquired through his career, which involved a lot of work with pesticides. So he spent his life taking care of his family doing work that eventually risked his life, although I don't think that was general knowledge at the time he really had high pesticide exposure.

I had ten years with my dad after my mother passed away. I took care of him and we became very close. Losing parents that you are close to can be a devastating loss. In the end, the details seem a lot less important than the terrible reality that your mom - and my dad - are gone. Nevertheless, it's hard to stop oneself from looking back and thinking of all of the "what if" questions and scenarios. For me it has been six months since my dad died, and I still can't believe he's really gone and he's not coming back. It's hard to know how I'll go on without him, even though I know that I have lived independently most of my adult life.

Well, hang in there...it's a long road dealing with a devastating loss like you have had, but if you keep coming back here to this site, you will find sympathetic companions who are on the same path as you, one way or another. I've found the site to be of great comfort and support. I hope you do as well...

[OkCrew]

Thank you Clematis. I am glad you were able to get so close to your dad and I hope you guys had some good times during those ten years. Being a caretaker can be draining. I have had that role before with my former husband after a severe head injury.

My parents anniversary is coming up in a few days. How did you handle such things? The palliative care team at the hospital said that I should try to celebrate events like these with my Dad. That doesn't feel right to me. I'm not even sure if I should bring it up-- not acknowledging it doesn't feel right either.

Edit: I guess the palliative care team didn't suggest we "celebrate" but definitely acknowledge. I'm still not sure my Dad would want to acknowledge the anniversary. He was in full avoidance mode during that week of home hospice-- running errands, including making funeral arrangements... anything to stay busy but not really dealing directly with my mother. That's always how he's been. He loved her very much but couldn't really sit with her or sit still at all.

[MartyT]

My dear, you know your dad far better than we do, but I want to suggest to you that your father's "busy-ness" during "that week of home hospice" may have been your dad's way of coping with his sorrow at the impending death of his wife. We each feel and express our grief differently and in ways that are unique to us, and some men are more action-oriented in their coping style, while some women may be more feelings-oriented. (See, for example, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences.)

The simplest way to find out if your dad wants to acknowledge his wedding anniversary is to ask. Oftentimes we assume that if we bring up such matters, they will remind the person of their loss and "make" them feel worse than they do already. But I suspect that your dad is feeling bad anyway, and is well aware of this special day, whether you acknowledge its significance or not ~ and knowing that you're aware of it too will not add to his pain ~ and it may help him to feel less alone and isolated.  

[kayc]

I agree...my mom survived my dad by 32 years.  I never failed to call her on their birthdays, anniversary, anv. of death, holidays.  It's highly unlikely that the person left ever forgets those special days, even if they don't bring it up, so it's not like you're reminding him...it's already on his mind.  My mom appreciated that we could talk about it because she said everyone else ignored it, as if she could!  If his response is that he doesn't want to talk about it, I would honor his request.  I would still make contact, maybe have dinner together or something, just so he's not alone.

[OkCrew]

Thank you MartyT and kayc. Yes, I am sure that was my Dad's way of coping. I guess I will ask him about the anniversary and plan to spend the day with him regardless of whether we are acknowledging it or not.

I just had to put my dog to sleep about an hour ago. I think I'm going to take a sleep aid and call it a day.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry about your dog, that's really tough.  (((hugs)))

[OkCrew]

Thank you.