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I don't know how to function and move forward


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My mother died on November 6th 2015. Every time I think of it,  I cannot breath and then go into a sobbing fit. I don't know how to move forward. Some days I feel okay and somewhat normal.  Other days are like today. I have so much guilt I don't know what to do.

I was planning a vacation for my husband and me.  Planning was done in February 2015 for a cruise in November 2015. While planning, I had a gut feeling. I couldn't tell you what it was, just something not right. I bought insurance (which I never do). Around September 2015, my mother decided to see a doctor (even was not big on Western doctors and medicine). She was only going to prove everyone wrong (everyone except for me thought she may have suffered a small stroke as you could no longer understand her when she tried to talk). Test came back negative. No stroke. She and I knew it. She didn't want to go for countless tests as she said she was not a lab rat. The Dr.  Said that just the physical looks and speach, she is diagnosing ALS. She fell a couple times within two weeks and two weeks before my trip. I talked to her a couple of times telling her I wanted to cancel. She insisted that we go. My son was going to stay with her to watch her and help and my dad was going to stay at my house to be with my daughter. My son was 21st his girlfriend was leaving the next week so he really wanted to spend time with her. My mom wanted my daughter (17) to stay with her.  My dad was at my house taking care of my dogs. When my daughter got up at 6 am to check on grandma, she found my mom had died. My daughter tried to call my dad but he was in the shower and didn't answer. He called back when he was out. The phone lines got crossed and all he could do was listen to 911 instruct my daughter on giving her grandma CPR. I saw my aunts post on face book while in the airport waiting to come home.  I feel guilty, horrible, despicable and everything else. I knew in my heart I should have canceled. I should have never put every one in that position. I could have spent more time. I know my daughter is messed up.  She turned 18 and moved out. I know the family is a constant reminder for her, so she doesn't talk to us. I know my dad is lonely. My son feels guilty for not being the one home with her and I put everyone in these shoes. I'm the only child of my parents (and put them through he'll when I saw younger. I have only recently been able to start making up for how horribly I treated them). When will I start to be okay? When will the guilt, depression, anxiety and fear of my father being so lonely / passing ease? 

 

 

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I really hope you'll see a grief counselor that can help you begin to deal with this.  It's important to learn to lighten up on yourself and be gentle and understanding of yourself, you are grieving.  You are not responsible for your mom dying from ALS, no one is.  ALS is a horrific life-robbing disease.  It killed a friend of mine about two years ago.  I am sorry your daughter is struggling as well, and hope she also will see a grief counselor.  It's no one's fault!  There's no way to know how long the person will live with it...anywhere from a few months to a few years.

Your dad will find his own way through his grief, you can't be responsible for everyone in the family.  As long as you are there for your dad on a regular basis (see him or call him regularly, not necessarily every day), that will help him.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's tough, I lost my own mom less than two years ago and just today caught myself wishing I could talk to her.

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Thank you so much for the response! I really feel there is no one in my circle that really can understand. I'm the first in my close circle to lose a parent as an adult. 

I've thought about a grief counselor but then I start feeling better.  Today it just hit me like a ton of bricks. As much as I miss my mom, I would never wish her back having als. She died before it robbed her of full mobility (she was 70). I just wish it would have been after I got back or before I went. I feel a lot of this suffering I created for the rest of my family. 

Have you tried grief counselors? I think I kind of shy away because it's hard for me to understand how they can help when / if they have not lost a parent as well. I looked to this site as I know others have experienced the loss and know how I am feeling. How long does it hurt like this? We're there certain things you did to help you? 

It weighs on me because in the past few years I've really worked hard at being the daughter they have always deserved.  I've gotten so close to them. My mom is who I would have called for advice on all of this when I could no longer process internally (like today) . I love my dad.  Total daddy's girl. But my dad is an internal person. Seeing me hurt or not doing well would destroy him. At least in the inside. On  the outside he would say he is fine (just like he always has). I just don't know how I will move on when he goes. 

Thank you so much for your reply!! 

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My dear Meredith, as a grief counselor myself ~ and as one who's endured the death of both my parents ~ I think you will find that most of us who are called to this profession and this sort of work have endured significant losses of our own, have been drawn to learn as much as we can about the normal grief process, have found support for ourselves to be of great benefit, and wish only to offer whatever reliable information, comfort and support we can to our fellow mourners to help ease their journeys. 

From my article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)

How to Find Grief Support in Your Own Community

- Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.

- Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost.

- The Association for Death Education and Counseling maintains a searchable data base of certified thanatologists (professionals with specialized education and certification in dying, death and bereavement whose professional responsibilities include working with the dying and / or bereaved) to help you find a grief therapist or counselor in your geographic area. 

- The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States.  To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Find a Provider.

If you're looking for certain things to help you, please take a look at our Tools for Healing forum. 

You might also find this article helpful: Helping A Grieving Parent

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I think most of the people here have seen a grief counselor, yes I did in the beginning of my journey.  I think most of the grief counselors have lost someone close to them.  There is no timeline for grief because it's very individual.  I lost my dad when I was just 29 and pregnant with my first child, so he never got to know his grandchildren.  I told them stories about him, told them how proud he'd be of them, showed him pictures, etc.  I told them that's where they got their sense of humor and some of their perfectionism (it's both sides of the family so they got double-whammied).  

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I just cannot thank you enough for sharing your dad experience with me and to offer all of the information!! Hearing that most have experience with the situation first hand makes me feel so much better about going to someone! Thank you so much and I really wish you were close by! 

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I know that it was loss that prompted our Marty to become a grief counselor.  If I wasn't the age I am and living so far from the university, I'd become one myself.  

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And MartyT, thank you for all of the ideas on where to look! I'm feeling a little better today, but just can't shake the rock in my gut feeling. All I want to do is be with my dad right now. I am going to the doctor later today to see if there is anything to keep me from the extreme low I had yesterday. That one came out of the blue and I had to take the day off work. Since the Dr.'s office happens to be at the hospital, I am going to check on the grief counseling there as well.  Much thanks and love to you and KayC for your words and help!!! 

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I'm so, so, sorry for your loss. ALS is truly a terrible disease. My grandfather had a friend who died from it.

What happened was not your fault at all, and hindsight is 20/20. You didn't put anyone in that situation. I know you said you had a bad feeling, but I believe if you had known the exact extent of what was going to happen then you would not have gone on the trip. A feeling isn't the same thing as knowing 100% that your mother would pass and your daughter would have to administer CPR. It's not your fault. It's a terrible tragedy, and my heart breaks for you and your family. Please don't blame yourself.

Again, I am so sorry to hear about what happened. 

 

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Hi Meredith,

On July 26, 2016 at 3:24 PM, Meredith said:

 

It weighs on me because in the past few years I've really worked hard at being the daughter they have always deserved.  I've gotten so close to them. My mom is who I would have called for advice on all of this when I could no longer process internally (like today) . I love my dad.  Total daddy's girl. But my dad is an internal person. Seeing me hurt or not doing well would destroy him. At least in the inside. On  the outside he would say he is fine (just like he always has). I just don't know how I will move on when he goes. 

 

As an only child myself I can understand many of your feelings.  

I was not close to my mother but I adored my father.  An angel I was not.  My father passed on November 5th, 2003 at 91+.  My mother left him and they divorced in 2000.  She lives in a residential care facility and was 91 this past November.  I do not see or speak to her for my mental health - she has narcissistic behaviours.  I do feel guilt for many things in my past but I also remind myself that I was behaving age appropriately.  I was a child and she was the adult.  

I certainly feel sad for the torment that you are suffering.  The fact that you attempted to be 'the daughter' shows that you are a very caring and compassionate person.

I too adored my Dad.  He was 45 when I was born and I feel so very lucky to have had 46 years with him.  I thought my life would fall apart when he passed.  It didn't fall apart but it definitely left a huge hole in my life and in my heart.  

Take care of yourself.  I hope you have had the chance to talk with a grief councellor and are feeling a little stronger and more confident.

Marita

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