Rough Day

[rdownes]

Today was so hard it was nothing but a roller coaster of sadness no matter what I tried, I had of of both jobs so lots of thinking time ,I tried taking a walk, playing with my grandson nothing worked to ease the pain, I don't want to be stuck in the past but it seems like only the past brings any comfort , I can't and don't think about the future right now but sometimes just the moment feels like to much sometimes even though I know I need to feel the pain not ignore it I just want to rip my heart out, I thought I was doing better then it slaps me in the face I found a song by three doors down call "Let me be me" I was out on my porch crying telling Kevin I was sorry I did not let him be who he was (I know just when I think I'm over apologizing) I look up and say a yellow butter fly (not the first time for the yellow butterfly) it made me smile and I felt like he heard me. I know this is only the start of my journey but sometimes I don't know how much I can take it has a way of consuming me I know you are all suffering and have no magic words to take away my pain it just sucks!!!!!

[KATPILOT]

We tend to feel when things ease up a bit that we are on a path to healing. The truth is Robin that although we are healing, we have set backs if you will. We will always have them for triggers are all around us and we sometimes don't even see those land mines till we've stepped on them.  There is no other way to go on with living. This will pass. It will come again, but then it will pass as well.  I once expressed how triggers are land mines set in place years ago by two loving people only to be struck by the surviving spouse one day. I try to keep that in mind when I step on one. I wouldn't have done so had I not loved her so much. 

I hope peace finds you this day for I so know how it sucks.

[kayc]

This pain is part of the healing journey.  We have ups and downs, it's three steps forward, two steps backward, but overall it IS moving in a progressive fashion.

[brat#2]

Robin, you are right, it does suck!!!!  Unfortunately you are going to have your setbacks through this journey.  I'm a little over a year into this journey, I this past week for some reason, don't really know why, I feel like I'm right back to where I was a year ago.  I know that doesn't help you any right now, but just know you are not alone.  Sending you hugs.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Joyce,

I have had a harder than usual time this week, also.  Do not exactly know why.  Started crying in a store and again sitting on the patio.  I guess it is just the ups and downs of the grief journey.  Robin and Joyce....you are right...It sucks.

[Polly]

I'm right there with you -Robin, Joyce and Gin. This past week has been awful. I'm having anxiety over the fact that this Friday is the 9 month mark. I've been so depressed that I can barely make myself do the everyday things that need to be done.

[brat#2]

I know Gin and Polly, sometimes it seems to get harder rather than easier, but I guess that's what is meant by the roller coaster ride of this journey.  Wishing all of us a more peaceful week this week!

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Polly,

This Thursday Al will be gone 10 months.  It does not get easier!

 

[mittam99]

I'm almost 17 months without my beloved Tammy and it's pretty clear to me that this new life will always be filled with sadness. It's just that you learn to deal with the ebb and flow of grief bursts a bit better. In time, some of the pain does subside. And then, you're hit with a thought that brings you right back to the pain of that first day and you wonder if you can even go on. Grief... it changes you forever.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch it sure does.

[rdownes]

Gin, Polly and Joyce so  sorry it has been a hard week for you. It kind of scares me to  think that a year from now I could feel like I did when it first happened, I know it is the price we pay for love and I wouldn't have traded Kevin's love for anything it is just such a long lonely road sometimes I just have to keep pushing forward and sharing because I know you guys understand I just miss him beyond words. Hope everyone finds some comfort.

[CharKath]

It must be a bad week for everbody. I've been staying busy and I try not to think about Charley, but tonight it caught up with me. My neighbor has me helping clean his rental house and we talk, I can laugh, but when the day is over, its still just me. I come home to a locked, empty house, there's no one here. No one to tell my day to, no hugs or kisses. (God its been a year since I've had a kiss.) Just keep busy, work, work, work. I can't wait for daylight so I can work. There's nothing else. I'd like to know what's the point?!!!  Life definitely sucks.

[Dew's Girl]

I am so sorry that you are struggling.  I agree it does just plain suck.

I had big plans for the day Sunday but ended up spending it on the couch watching TV and crying.

I used to really kick myself for what I perceived as a step backwards like this.  Now I just realize that these days will happen and it doesn't mean that I'm failing.

I think we just have to give ourselves some grace and know that a heart ripped in two can never be fully healed, it can only be patched.  

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're all getting hit this week.  It's times like this when we have to be the most understanding and kind to ourselves, knowing this is the hardest journey ever traveled and we have to ride out the ebb and flow of grief.

[WolfsKat]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry you're all getting hit this week.  It's times like this when we have to be the most understanding and kind to ourselves, knowing this is the hardest journey ever traveled and we have to ride out the ebb and flow of grief.

Ebb & flow is correct..............it's like swimming in a placid lake for a while.....then, WHAM!!!!  Suddenly, you are in a raging sea getting sucked down into the undertow.......all you can do is fight through it, and hope to get back to that placid lake for a respite. This grief is exhausting, in all possible ways.....and with NO assurance of any end, it seems.

[mittam99]

20 hours ago, rdownes said:

It kind of scares me to  think that a year from now I could feel like I did when it first happened, I know it is the price we pay for love and I wouldn't have traded Kevin's love for anything it is just such a long lonely road sometimes I just have to keep pushing forward and sharing

Robin, I can tell you straight up that we will always grieve our loss. The intensity may change but the anguish will be a part of our lives forever. It's been nearly 17 months without my Tammy and the overwhelming pain is still there. Those waves hit and it feels like March 6, 2015 again. Kay is over 11 years in and while she's had more time to adapt to her life alone, she aches everyday for her George.

I remember talking to Kay on the phone early on in my grief journey. She said something to me that (at the time) hit me in a bad way. She said the pain never completely goes away. I was hoping for something a little more hopeful, that's for sure. But in hindsight, she was simply telling me the truth. Time doesn't heal all wounds. This is a wound that is just too deep to fully heal.

After all, we found our soul mate. We were loved and gave love like never before. We were with that one person that was capable of giving us real joy. In my world, being with Tammy made me feel like I was special. That this incredible, beautiful, charming, funny woman chose me to be her one and only still amazes me to this day. And at the same time she felt the same of me. Now that she's gone, my life that used to feel complete, is now completely empty.

I also want to say to you Robin that I've seen some definite "strides" since you sadly had to join us here. You have a spirit of positivity and that will bode well for you in this difficult journey. Just remember these five simple "rules"...

Don't think too far into the future.

Take it one day (one moment) at a time.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Get plenty of rest and eat well.

Don't get discouraged when you do the "two steps back" dance.

Hugs,

Mitch

[kayc]

I can't imagine having said that, but perhaps that's how it was taken...I do say grief doesn't end, I do say the missing them never ends, but I wouldn't say "it doesn't get better" because we do learn to adjust and get better at coping with it, as long as we put in the grief work.  Our attitudes and focus make a big difference.  That doesn't mean we quote mantras at ourselves, but as in everything in life, we have choices about how we handle things.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch I am not sure about the doesn't get better part myself. I grieve still and I suppose I always will yet it is no way near as devastating as the first two years. I can function better at work and socially now. I have learned to adapt and I am always evolving.

 

Funny I was typing this as Kay replied. Somethings about grieving change while others stay the same. Like your love for your bride.

[mittam99]

Steve, I was paraphrasing Kay but at the time that's how I took it. She was simply trying to tell me that you don't ever "get over" a loss like this.

For me, it's different than it was say, a year ago, but certainly in no way better. The 24/7 angst isn't there but my overall life is basically dreadful. You adapt to an extent but it's adapting to a life you never wanted to live.

Still, I push forward and try my best.

[kayc]

40 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

You adapt to an extent but it's adapting to a life you never wanted to live.

So true!

40 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Still, I push forward and try my best.

And that's the important part!

[iPraiseHim]

For me, it is almost 18 months now on this grief journey.There is progress and hope as we travel along the grief journey. These feelings we have tend to try to overrule our mind and heart.  When I get hit with grief, my first thought is that this is as bad as the first time.  It FEELS that way but it is not the REAL truth.  For myself, I find I can exacerbate the problem by focusing on how bad it is at the moment.  I have also discovered H.A.L.T.

It is a phrase that helps me remember to not get TOO:  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. 

I also make a gratitude list and count my blessings daily. 

I still have tough times, however, counting the days helps me to remember how far I have been from that first shocking day that my beloved wife died. 

We are all here for a reason and a purpose.  Our challenge is to find out what we are to learn and move forward in life.  We just strive to do the best we can each day.  Some days just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. 

We need to forgive ourselves for not meeting up to our own expectations of our self .  Shalom 

[MartyT]

It's not so much that "it" gets better as that we get better at coping with "it." That's why I see "it" (the pain and sorrow we feel at the loss of a loved one) as not unlike the way we would react to the loss of a limb. The amputated leg doesn't get better and it never comes back, but with lots of healing, rehabilitation and hard work, we can learn to walk again without it ~ and no matter how well we learn to walk again, we'll never stop missing what was lost, and we'll never forget what it was like when we were whole.  

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

It's not so much that "it" gets better as that we get better at coping with "it." That's why I see "it" (the pain and sorrow we feel at the loss of a loved one) as not unlike the way we would react to the loss of a limb. The amputated leg doesn't get better and it never comes back, but with lots of healing, rehabilitation and hard work, we can learn to walk again without it ~ and no matter how well we learn to walk again, we'll never stop missing what was lost, and we'll never forget what it was like when we were whole.  

Marty, this is a very good analogy!  I am definitely going to remember this......thank you!

[kayc]

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

It's not so much that "it" gets better as that we get better at coping with "it." 

Still, you don't tell new grievers that it doesn't get any better, that wouldn't paint much hope for them, would it?!

[rdownes]

The last two days have been pretty ok I think about Kevin and feel lonely but it had been pretty bearable I think the loneliness is so hard, I mean I have my children but they have their own relationships, I really miss that feeling of having someone who puts your needs ahead of their own and just knows you completely I think I am getting used to Kevin being gone it just hurts. I need to figure out how to find some sense of peace and joy again but I know baby steps just glad for the dealable days.