My Dad is gone

[JenniferK]

My Dad passed away suddenly the day after he turned 65 3 weeks ago. He had just retired this February and was only just starting to feel good about it. I don't know how to handle this at all. I'm sick everyday. I can't sleep and any short amount that I can get is full of horrible nightmares about my Dad dying in so many different awful ways. I think of nothing else all day and night. I don't know how to live without him in this world. I feel so much hate and sadness it has completely taken over my life. I have shut out everyone I know other than my Mom and husband. I feel like I hate everyone because they have just moved on with their lives like my Dad never existed. I feel like everyone should be suffering as much as I am. This is not me. I'm turning into this angry, sad monster. But I don't know how not to.  My heart feels like it's gone and most of the time I'm so overcome with so much panic and anxiety I can't breathe. My Mom is not doing well at all. My Dad was her entire world. I am so scared for her and I don't know how to make this better for her...even in the smallest way. I live 4 hours away from her so 3 days a week I have to leave her to see my husband and to work but I'm with her the rest of the week. But I am so terrified of getting another phone call that my Mom is gone too and that I will lose her. I obsess over this every minute of the day and all I want is to be with her always. When my Dad died I was in the final stage of buying my first house and it's a done deal. He was supposed to come up in a couple weeks to help with some things. He was so excited to see my first house. Now he never will. I hate the house. How can I live somewhere my Dad will never be?  I don't know how to live with this pain and fear and anger. How do you go on?

[kayc]

We go on because we have no choice...it's no good to be one of the walking dead.  I'm sorry you lost your dad...I was just 29 and pregnant with my first child when my father passed.  You have a husband to live for and a mom too.  You mom will find her own way, we all grieve differently and in our own time and way.  Maybe instead of looking at it as moving on without your dad or living in a house your dad never got to be in, perhaps try to think of it as something that would make your dad proud and happy for you.  Live your life to the fullest you can in his honor.  

I do hope you will make an appt. with a grief counselor.  They are trained to help guide us through grief, esp. when we don't know what step to take or where to start.

[OkCrew]

I am very sorry for your loss JenniferK. I don't know what to say to make it and all of your anxieties better but I feel for you because I am going through something similar. I lost my Mom unexpectedly in mid-June and, outside of my own devastating grief, I am obsessed with figuring out how to ease my Dad's grief and anxious about him possibly dying at any moment.

I haven't really figured out how to go on... but as I'm typing this I just realized that I am going on. It might sound like an empty platitude but you really do need to just take it day by day.

I agree with kayc that you should think about your new house as something that would make your Dad proud and happy for you. Share the experience with your Mom, ask her advice on decorating, and, if you have the space, set up a guest room with things she loves and bring her to stay with you sometimes.

Peace and hugs to you and you Mom.

[MartyT]

I too am so sorry for your loss, Jennifer. So much of what you describe is not unusual when we are grieving, especially if this is your first experience with significant loss. Grief can make us feel very crazy and alone. That's why I believe so strongly that the more we learn about what is normal in grief, the better prepared we are to understand and cope with our own reactions. 

In addition to the wise advice that's already been shared with you, I invite you to read the articles I've listed below ~ and note that at the base of each post, you'll find links to related resources as well:

Grief: Understanding The Process

Is Anger One of the Stages in Grief?

Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief

Helping A Grieving Parent 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

On August 2, 2016 at 11:49 AM, JenniferK said:

My Dad passed away suddenly the day after he turned 65 3 weeks ago.

I think of nothing else all day and night. I don't know how to live without him in this world.  

I have shut out everyone I know other than my Mom and husband. 

My heart feels like it's gone and most of the time I'm so overcome with so much panic and anxiety I can't breathe.

How can I live somewhere my Dad will never be?  I don't know how to live with this pain and fear and anger. How do you go on?

I am so sorry for your loss Jennifer.  I lost my dad 13 years ago and I can truly understand what is going on in your heart and your mind.  I always thought that I would totally fall apart when the time came that he would pass.  He was 45 when I was born and I feel so blessed to have had 46 years with him.  

I still think of my dad almost everyday.  I brought some personal tools and things of his to my new home, to welcome him here.  It makes me feel good to see pictures of him and I believe he continues to be part of my family.  I hope someday you will be able to have that same comfort.  

In January, my husband died of suicide just a month before his 57th birthday.  My son, who is 29 and still lives at home, has been dealing with his grief in ways that are similar and also very different from how I lived through my dad's death, which was worn out parts.  We all are different people and our grief is also unique to each of us.  I'm encouraging him to see a grief councellor as I know the benefits of having someone trained to be able to talk to.  I encourage you to do the same.

Right now it probably seems like nothing will ever be ok again.  I can tell you from my experience that life will never be as good as it was when he was with you but somehow we go on.  He will always be proud of you; the unconditional love of a parent doesn't stop.  

When you can, live your life to the fullest, you may find as I did, that when you do this it is easier to enjoy all your great memories of your Dad.

As with my son, I wish I could bring our loved ones back or at least take the terrible pain away.  I am so sad for the reason that you are on this forum but I'm so glad you have found your way here.  Everyone here is on a grief journey too and it is so supportive here.

Marita

[Cheryl J]

Jennifer, I'm sorry for your loss. I understand a lot of what you are feeling and going through. Everyone grieves differently. For me it is a little different in the sense that I have been suppressing my grief. My dad was sick for over two years, and btw......I am definitely a daddy's girl...anyway, I was the one taking care of everything. My mom has dementia so making decisions and seeing that dad was taken care of had to be up to me. I did everything....taking him to doctors, making sure he was taking all of his meds, and so much more. With the support of hospice I kept my head as high as possible so I could make sure he had the care he needed up until the day he died. After he passed taking time to grieve wasn't really an option because now I had to be strong for mom. Now I'm in a place that I am crying everyday, I don't want to talk to anyone. I come home from work and I only do what I absolutely have to do. All I want is to here my dad and see him. 

This is why I am now on this site. I'm so busy taking care of everything and everyone else I have forgotten about myself. Now my pain is so heavy I am mentally and physically sick. I don't eat much or sleep much. My anxiety attacks have started and happening daily now. It has begun to affect my performance at work. Hopefully communicating with others going through the same thing will help until I can get into therapy. I hope that someway you will be able to find some peace. Hugs to you!

[iPraiseHim]

23 hours ago, Cheryl J said:

 

This is why I am now on this site. I'm so busy taking care of everything and everyone else I have forgotten about myself. Now my pain is so heavy I am mentally and physically sick. I don't eat much or sleep much. My anxiety attacks have started and happening daily now. It has begun to affect my performance at work. Hopefully communicating with others going through the same thing will help until I can get into therapy. I hope that someway you will be able to find some peace. Hugs to you!

You came to the right place. Right after my wife died, I was in such shock that I was only getting two hours of sleep a night for about three weeks.  Thankfully a kind soul here recommend that I go to my doctor to get something to relax my mind so I could sleep. It really helped.

Over time, I realized that I need to start caring for myself to honor my wife.

Just take one day, one moment at a time.  It is important to get enough good sleep, eat healthier meals, because grief takes a lot of energy.  Hang on/hold on and please keep coming back here where people care and will give you suggestions to help.  You are not alone.  - Shalom - George

[MartyT]

Cheryl, it sounds as if you still have way too much on your plate, and I am concerned for you. Since your dad was on hospice, you should have bereavement services available to you for 13 months, at no cost to you, and I hope you won't wait too long to avail yourself of those services. You need all the support you can find, especially since your mother has dementia and isn't well either.  

1 hour ago, Cheryl J said:

I'm so busy taking care of everything and everyone else I have forgotten about myself. Now my pain is so heavy I am mentally and physically sick. I don't eat much or sleep much. My anxiety attacks have started and happening daily now. It has begun to affect my performance at work.

These are serious symptoms, Cheryl, and should not be let go and ignored, as they will only get worse. Please consider making an appointment to see your primary care physician as soon as possible. You'll be of no help to anyone unless and until you begin taking good care of yourself first.

[Cheryl J]

Thank you Mary for your guidance. And yes, hospice is still in touch so I do take advantage. My goal is to get some appointments scheduled as soon as I get my mom through her cataract surgeries. 

[sharirouse]

Im so sorry for your loss, and I know how it feels for your dad not to be there for a big event. Just remember, he CAN see you and he's probably hanging out around your house when you need him the most. Talk to him and ask him to see the house if you think it will help you. 

How difficult would it be for your mom to come live with you or in the same town? I think it will be the best for both of you to be in the same area and travelling is just exhausting, especially when you are already tired from grieving. 

Just remember that your dad is comfortable now, hes not in pain and he can never ever hurt again. Hopefully that will help with the nightmares since they arent true. You just gotta take it one day at a time. Its hard living in a world without your dad but you can still talk to him and ask him to be around.

My dads death anniversary is coming up this week and itll be 2 years. I asked him to come to work with me on my first day of my new job! And its a good comfort