R.Everit55 Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 I miss her so much my heart is hurting physically. Coming up on nineteen months and I hurt more than ever. I don't think it will ever her better. Butch. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Butch, We have to believe that things will get better. We can not grieve like this all the time! We will always miss them terribly. You made it 19 months and I made it 10. Not better, but we are on the road to some kind of healing. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Oh, Butch, of course, you still miss Mary. You will always miss her ~ your love was that great. I just passed Jim's 50th month and I still miss him so much. The hurt does not sting as much but it is always there. Thinking of you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 2 hours ago, R.Everit55 said: I miss her so much my heart is hurting physically. Coming up on nineteen months and I hurt more than ever. I don't think it will ever her better. Butch. Butch, I truly understand empathize with you. You have been through so much in addition to the loss of your precious wife. Our brains/heart can only handle so much trauma at a time. Yours has been overflowing grief for a long time. This is not an excuse but rather a reason for your prolonged intense grief. In my early stage of grief there was so much SHOCK and AWE for me that I literally had trouble breathing. It is physical as well as emotional and spiritual pain. It is because you loved your wife so deeply and intensely. Others have told me that the grief pain will lessen and be less intense and constant as I travel this grief journey. It took a long time and I just kept writing,sharing, praying and crying my way through the grief. At times, I felt like giving up, because the pain was so intense. I continued to get knocked down, run over and flattened by grief. It felt like I was just sharing the same pain, the same grief, the same tears, but I learned to eventually get back up and keep moving . The secret to life is that whatever knocks you down or even out, is to dust yourself off, pick yourself up and keep moving and walking through grief. I will continue to pray peace, healing and restoration for your hear and soul, Butch - Shalom 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted August 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Thank you all. I keep getting knocked down and I sometimes think I only get back up because of my son and DIL and grandchildren 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 I just googled 'grief brain' and it was both encouraging and sad. They did validate that at this time it can feel worse because it keeps becoming more real. I'm 2 months ahead and feel the worst ever. Too long alone and missing him. What I hate is the brain fog. I never feel connected with the world anymore. There are times it seems like I do, but as soon as I get alone again I'm in a strange land. Don't know if it will ever get better. Sure doesn't feel like it. It's so tiring getting thru another day and knowing another is coming. I know my life will never go back to what it was. I think that is the hardest thing to accept. I accept Steves death easier than that, if that makes any sense. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Dear Butch, I really understand your hurting. Thursday was 20 months that Mark has been gone and the missing just seems to keep growing stronger. I had a big scare today. I haven't written in a few days; haven't been feeling well. I took a couple days off because my body and my mind were telling me I needed a break. I have noticed that my vision has been blurry...but I have been doing a lot of computer work. But something wasn't feeling right, so I tested my blood sugar and it was up WAY high; the really scary kind of numbers. I kept trying to do things to get it to come down, but it wasn't. It really made me see that I am really alone, and that made me so afraid. I finally called a friend to take me to the ER. They kept me there and gave me an IV and the numbers started coming down. I don't think about being alone so much, because the dogs are here. But then I thought "what if something happens, that I pass out?" Then I was afraid what would happen if I ended up in the hospital; who would take care of my dogs? I didn't like feeling so afraid; and that made me feel helpless. I don't like this "new" life, not one bit. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finch Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Hi Butch, I don't have anything to say other than... I don't even know, but I wanted to post in this thread just to show I am thinking of you and relate to your pain. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HisWife Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Being alone and feeling ill or "not right" is so scary for me as well. I'm going through some health issues now that could be caused by grief-related stress and everyone tells me I just need to try and relax more. Easier said than done. This grief journey is difficult enough w/o throwing in health problems. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Maryann, you just went thru what I have several times. Finding how alone we are now. Every time I have been to the ER, it isn't just scary lonely (they always assume someone will be coming) but my dogs are always on my mind. I worry now, too, if something happened to me at home. With our partners there was a sense of security in scary times, there was someone who knew exactly what to do. I'm no stranger to the ER with Steve in his struggle, but I could always run home to check on the kids. He never had to worry about them. It is being helpless. It's just not right he isn't there when I need him. Don't think I will ever get used to that. I'm so tired of the new fears this keeps presenting I never had to worry about before. I don't know about you, but when he was here and sick, I was always on call and nothing ever went wrong with me. I couldn't afford to not be available. Nope, don't like it one bit either. hope you are feeling much better physically. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Scared is a good way to describe it. When it came to fighting our way out of any problem, Kathy was a better shot than I. Now I not only question every decision I make, I also fear making them. I suppose it's natural to feel that way when you were so used to going through life as a team. Butch I'm sorry you are hurting so. You are still in the second year and many of us felt is was as bad or worse than the first yet it WILL get better. It truly will. My son, daughter in law, and grandchildren live just down the street and I used them for my "happy fix" when things were at their lowest. Whatever it takes my friend. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 All the years Al was sick, I did well. As soon as he died, things fell apart. I even had to go to the ER the afternoon of his memorial service. I never would have been able to care for him with all the problems I have had. I am grateful these things came afterward. I am afraid also of being alone when illness strikes. No family close by. Gin 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 9 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: whatever knocks you down or even out, is to dust yourself off, pick yourself up and keep moving and walking through grief. You've done that time and again, it must be done continually, it seems, until you find it occurring less often...when? Eventually. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Gin, I don't have support/family nearby either, and is IS frightening getting older alone. I feel far removed from the person George fell in love with, that was young and attractive. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Butch - I'm sorry you are hurting so bad, wish I had some magic I could give to all of us. I'm too going through a lot of health issues right now that I didn't have when Dale was alive. It is very scary going through this alone, going to the doctors and tests alone and as we have all said being home alone if something happens and no support close by. It's frustrating that we are having to go through all the emotional side of grief and now we are having to deal with the physical side (of grief???). Everything we do now is so exhausting! Joyce 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted August 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Big blessings to all of you it's very scary to face serious health issues without our spouse. I know it all too well. Hugs 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Butch, please know that your family here wants to take away your pain and bring back all of your missing loved ones. If only we could do something to help you... Bless you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 7 hours ago, KATPILOT said: Scared is a good way to describe it. When it came to fighting our way out of any problem, Kathy was a better shot than I. Now I not only question every decision I make, I also fear making them. I suppose it's natural to feel that way when you were so used to going through life as a team. I was the Kathy part of our team. Steve was always involved of course, but he felt I had the more down to earth decision skills. Now I have to do that and I find I am questioning everything without the confidence. I've made a few decisions that could've been better and I know it is because I think they don't matter as much or it just isn't the same satisfaction not seeing the results as a team. Basically, I just don't care most of the time. I do it because I have to and want it done and over with. I know people that have never had partners, so this is nothing to them. Sure does change when you are forced into it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Butch am so sorry for your pain, I am so knew to grief going on almost 11 weeks but I have hope of being able to find peace and some sense of happiness just in a different way I know we will get knocked down and days we feel like giving up because the pain is so bad but I am making a choice that grief will not win. I will find my way with Kevin in my heart no matter how hard it is I hope you are able to have some peace. I am still pretty young I am only 45 so health issues I really don't think about much but I am sure it will be hard when I have to. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 7, 2016 Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 18 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I was the Kathy part of our team. It was easy to be the "Kathy" part of the team when I had George here because he thought I was superwoman, I swear he thought I was fit to be president! (He was the ONLY one who thought that and I have no idea what gave him his belief in me, but it was there). Now I have to make decisions and there's no one to talk it over with and no one to bolster me with their immense faith in me, but I do it because it has to be done. Do I make mistakes? Sure! But I'm making it somehow... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 7, 2016 Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 Kay I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You are quite amazing in all you do. 1 hour ago, kayc said: Now I have to make decisions and there's no one to talk it over with and no one to bolster me with their immense faith in me, but I do it because it has to be done. Do I make mistakes? Sure! But I'm making it somehow... This 'new life' we are living is not an easy life, I hate the 'on my own to decide' part. But, as you have said, "I'm making it somehow..." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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