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Cry into dust, miss my brother


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On July 7th 2016 I would be getting up to work, I work in a private girls school but really early morning about 5.30am  I received a call from my mam. I knew something was wrong. She said in a desperate voice "Annie, don't go to work, don't go to work, meet me at your sisters" I said to my husband oh no , I have 7 other brothers and sisters I knew it was bad but who? I got ready so fast desperate and teary and jumped in the car, my husband said "drive careful I love you." I have never found the speed limits so hard to keep to, I arrived at my sister K,s and she stared at me with wide eyes I grabbed her and hugged her as I then knew it wasn't her, we jumped in the car to my other brothers but turned around as mam was already there and said she was coming now, so I knew it wasn't j. We got to K's and mam came in and she said its F (my younger brother) he's dead, he died I'm sorry :( my sister dropped to the floor, kicking screaming, we all deeply cried angrily noooo oh no oh no. I said mam our little sister J needs to know so we got in the car flew over, again the news was broke and we all had this urgency he died only an hour before in his flat, he was 30 years old. I drove straight to his flat and the police were there, they let us all in to see him.

 

he had been in rehab, was out on home visit and had only two weeks until his rehab was complete, he was 15stone and looked the healthiest but there he was lay on his living room floor. I lay on his chest and could hear no heartbeat, I kissed his ears, his nose, his cheeks, I grabbed his crown of ginger hair and told him I loved him so much. I knelt beside him and held his hand.... And he squeezed my hand I fib you not, maybe it was a body reaction but he squeezed it as if to acknowledge I was there and tell me he loved me, we did that to each other double squeeze hands, but his hand stayed tight on mine, I had to release it. These last few weeks have been my worst, I helped mam arrange the funeral and drove 700 mile over those couple of weeks, now it has been a month my sister had a mental breakdown and ended up in hospital, she's doing good now but I am struggling, I have never felt pain like this ever ever I want to cry into dust. I spoke at his funeral and put a letter on his chest, it was nice... But the worst thing I've ever had to do, my heart is broken and I feel so lost, I'm stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up. I'm going to see my doctor this evening as I'm still not eating or sleeping and I'm in a bubble, I've withdrawn from everyone and I don't care. Only seeing my husband, my kids and my mam and siblings, I hate that I won't see him in his physical body anymore or get that cuddle, hear his laugh or see his smile, love hurts and I'm not coping very well. Thanks for listening to me :( 

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Oh Annie. I am so very sorry to learn of the untimely death of your dear brother, and I can't imagine the depth of your pain. It's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. Please know that we are here to listen, to sit with you in your pain, and to offer comfort and support as you find your way through this unbearable loss. 

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Annie, I am so sorry!  Sudden unexpected death is so hard to absorb.  

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor but I really hope you'll see a professional grief counselor that can help you work through your feelings.  

I'm glad you found this site, it helps to express yourself and not keep it all bottled up, and we're here to listen.

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  • 1 month later...

Annie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I won't begin to say that I know what you're going through but I know the pain of losing a sibling. My heart goes out to you and my prayer fir you is that you will find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I can remember right after my sister died two months ago from a rare disease that I thought she would recover from or I was in denial, but feeling like I was the only person who had ever gone through something like that. Even thinking when seeing others happy, "don't they know I'm sad or grieving"? It was like I'm hurting here and sad and everyone else should be too. It's crazy the thoughts and feelings a grieving person has. 

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. This group has been a blessing to me and I'm sure it will be for you as well. I'm finding that there are times that even though you talked about the loss with someone before you begin to sense when that same person either become uncomfortable when you again start to talk about what you're feeling or they like change the subject. Most of the time I just want someone to listen and I find the discussion groups not only listen and I feel comfortable enough to repeat what I'm feeling if I need to. 

Blessing to you precious Annie!

 

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@ElizabethH77 Thank you for your message. Sorry I'm not on here much but I get email notifications, if you would like to email me, you can find me at annie_84@hotmail.co.uk 

I am trying to be ok. It seems that we lost our siblings at the same time, :( much love to you. Some days I'm well, others not so well, but work seems to be helping somewhat. Take care of you my lovely and please email me if you would like to chat, as I do check that quite often I think it may be nice to share our new journey... However it now unfolds 

Annie 

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  • 3 weeks later...

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