My Dad's Birthday is tomorrow, his first since he passed

[grievinginCA]

My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack in February.   I happened to be home visiting and was there the night he died.  He was not only my father but a great friend, he used to make me howl with laughter.  The last conversation I had with him, the night before he died, I asked if he wanted me to pick him up a burrito (after already re-heating leftovers for him) and he said he was much too full to eat any more food, but that he loved me and was so proud of me.  He died in his sleep that night.  Quietly and without a fuss, it was just the way he wanted, but I still can't believe the physical and emotional pain I have endured.  I've lost 30 pounds since he died, have had awful anxiety and depression, and couldn't eat anything for the first couple months.  I'm seeing a therapist, and am close with my siblings and mother, but the loss is so palpable, it makes it hard to breathe.  I had a vivid dream of him last night and woke up feeling awful.  Tomorrow is his birthday.  My sister wants to get a cake for him but I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I like the idea of getting Mexican food and margaritas (his absolute favorite), but am having such a hard even thinking about celebrating in any way.  As I type this I am sobbing in my office, feverishly wiping my eyes and nose so that nobody sees me crying.  I'm only 31 and he was 71 when he died.  All my friends are losing grandparents and having kids and I am just stuck in this grief.  I used to want to start my family soon but my grief is so strong I know I'm not ready.  I've been dreading his birthday since he died and I just don't know how to keep going. Thank you for listening to me. <3 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am sorry for the loss of your father.  

It is hard to know what to say and how to say it, I was moved by your story.  I hope you will find someway to honour your Dad tomorrow - today - Aug 9th?  My husband died January 5th this year and his birthday was the 5th of February.  I didn't know what to do...  Our son lives at home and I really wanted to make the day okay for him.  He is 29 and feeling the unexpected and premature loss of his 56 year old dad.

I was 46 when I lost my Dad who was then 91 1/2.  He was and will probably always be my hero.  I was a real tomboy, growing up in mining camps an only child with an older dad.  I learned to change a tire quite young - I could do it on my own by the time I was 10.  At 12 I was putting chains on the tires in the snowy winter...  He taught me lots of great stuff.

This is a great place to talk about our loved ones.  Someone is always here.

Hugs to you.

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your dad so young.  I was 29 (my dad 62) when he died, also heart attack, although in a hospital setting.

I like your idea of eating what HE liked on his birthday as kind of a way of honoring him.  I did that with my daughter after my husband died.

Anxiety is pretty common with grief.  I hope your therapist is a trained grief counselor because they aren't all trained in grief specifically.  There are a lot of meditations on this site that can help with the anxiety (tools for healing section).  I have GAD to start with so am on anxiety medicine, it helps but I'm on a low dosage safe one (Buspar/Buspirone) and it just kind of takes the edge off & helps me cope, nothing strong.

[grievinginCA]

Thank you Marita and KayC.  Your messages really meant a lot.  His birthday ended up being okay, we even got cupcakes to celebrate and had Mexican food for dinner.  I am taking Prozac as I also have an anxiety disorder and it has helped a lot.  Before that I just really couldn't eat any food at all.  I'm doing much better now and was truly touched by both of your kind words.  The next big hurdle are the holidays - I'm hoping to do something fun Halloween & New Year's to take a way from the sadness of the family-oriented ones.  Thank you again. 

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear it turned out okay.  I understand about the anxiety, I used to get panic attacks, so not fun!  I'm on a low dose Buspar (Burpirone) for anxiety, I've had it all my life, my mom passed it on to all of us but one.  I'm glad you've got help for yours.  You are wise to make plans for the holidays so you won't be alone!