Having a hard time after my mom died

[very sad]

Hi everyone,  My mom died June 2nd. I knew she wasn't feeling well a week before she died. My parents live a few states away from me, but my husband and I were planning on visiting the following week and driving my parents to Colorado to see my son. My  family was there to help support my dad and help make decisions. It was hard as i am sure you all know. I left after 4 days to return to work, my sister stayed an extra week. I started having severe anxiety and panic attacks which is what I kept focusing on although I tried to get back to my usual routine. My dad came to visit with me July 3rd and we still did end up going on our trip to Colorado because he thought it would be good for him. The following week we had a memorial at my house for my mom. On that Tuesday my dad went to visit my sister in Washington for a few weeks before returning to his home. I had started feeling less anxiety and panic attacks thanks to medicine, but then depression set in terribly. I have constant memories just washes over me. I can hear a song, feel the wind blow, see a certain street...and I feel like I am at that moment for but a second and then it leaves and i want it back for real. My children are adults in there 20s and live away from home my son lives out of state and I miss them so much although we text all the time and send silly pictures. I just cannot get excited about anything I have that pit in my stomach that overcomes me. I feel hopeless and alone because no one can understand how I feel. Has anybody else experienced this? How long does it take to feel a little better. I will definitely take "a little"   How did you cope?   Thanks, Very Sad

[kayc]

First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss and all that you are experiencing...grief isn't for sissies, that's for sure...only thing is, it doesn't ask us if we're sissies, it just hits us anyway.  I can understand your wanting to connect with your kids, you've just suffered a big loss, it must feel reassuring to get a text or phone call from them.  I'm glad your dad was able to visit, it was probably hard having him without your mom since you'd only known them as a couple.

No one can say how long it'll take to feel better because everyone's relationship is different, their coping abilities are different, personalities, etc. so their grief will be different.  When I lost my mom I did okay most of the time but she had dementia and wasted away before my eyes so I knew she needed to go for her sake...it's been two years ago on the 21st of this month, but I still miss her and it hits every now and then as I have the urge to call her or share with her and can't...but then I couldn't do that the last few years anyway so I feel like I was losing her even while still alive.

When I lost my husband it was different, it affected every aspect of my being, he was my best friend, the one I slept with, the one that took care of me in so many ways, the one that enjoyed my cooking and appreciated me, the one that looked at me that certain way, and half of our income.  I'll never get over it.  It took probably three years to process his death but eleven years out I still miss him and talk to him all the time.

I think the more entwined we are with the one we lost, the harder it is.  I've heard it said the deeper the love, the deeper the grief.  

Your mom's death had to be a bit of a shock, whereas I had anticipatory grief with my mom so a lot of my grieving was done before her death, but certainly not all because the finality still hits us hard and triggers have a way of coming when we least expect it.

Many people go to the doctor about their anxiety, sleeplessness, depression when they're grieving, but it's not depression in the clinical sense.  Seeing a grief counselor would probably help more, and trying to meditate to help their anxiety.  One thing that has really helped me is trying to live in the moment.  Look for good in every day, no matter how small, the spirit of gratefulness has done wonders in me in my grief journey.  There are many meditations posted in "tools for healing" section on this site.

Coming here has been a godsend as well, because there are people here that get it and understand.  It does help to express yourself...I felt my power was stripped from me with loss and expressing myself helps to restore some of that power.

Good luck to you on your journey.

[very sad]

Thank you Kayc for the wonderful advice.  I am sorry for your loss of your husband. I have been going to grief counseling and I am going to try group therapy next week.  Today is a little better day or at least I haven't cried, yet.....   I know I need to find a new normal in my life. I find myself sad at everything, my kids being grown up and on there own even though i am so proud of the people they have become, childhood memories and so on.  Thank you for writing to me and please keep in touch.  

[kayc]

This is hitting you at what is already often considered a very difficult time in life...that when your kids grow up and venture out on their own and we feel less needed by them and have less contact than we'd like.  It's a time of redefining ourselves...for years we were someone's mother, and now you've lost being someone's daughter as well...you will make it through this but I understand how challenging it is.  The one thing that seriously helped me was every night thinking back over the day and recognizing and appreciating what good there was...someone holding a door open, a stranger letting me merge in the traffic (some places that'd be considered a miracle!), a phone call from my sister, getting to see an elk in my yard or a humming bird at my feeder.  In looking for and appreciating these little joys, it changed my focus and attitude and helped me greatly as I began going through this grief journey.  I still practice it all these years later.

[Athos]

I think I know how you feel but everyone's reaction and grief is different.

Your recovery will be gradual. Stay indoors if you feel like it. That's what

I did because I did or could not have any fun. Of course, we cannot

know anything about your mother, but this is what I do: it may sound cold,

but I think of the many arguments and difficult aspects of her personality over the years,

and then I feel a sense of relief that it is all over. No more unpleasant arguments, bad dreams,

and strong family tensions and hostilities....vanished and only a lingering love remains.