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His Mom passed & now he wants to take a break?


tbop42

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Greetings Everyone, I stumbled upon this site while searching for answers to my current situation. I perused various topics and it feels like a safe place to share my grief. I apologize in advance if it takes me a while to respond as I'm only online 2 or 3 times a week but I feel it's time to share my story...I suppose its an exorcism of sorts...so here goes...

My significant other (sigot) have been together for almost 6 years and we're both in our early 50's now. He is the love of my life and until recently it kept getting better and better over the years. When we met, he had been living alone for almost 2 years after being divorced. I’ve been divorced since the late 1980's and had been single for over 6 years when we met. He has a teenage daughter and I have 2 grown sons plus a beautiful grandson.

About 1½ years after we fell in love, my sigot made the decision to move in with his mother because she was beginning to get very frail and was concerned about her living alone; she was in her early 80's at that point. She lived in the same town as him and lived near his daughter, too. Before he moved in with his mother, we had talked about living together eventually once his daughter was old enough to drive ands graduated from high school. Through the years that followed, his mother had various health problems and also started to have trouble walking.

My sigot lives about an hour away from me and up until recently we would see each other almost every weekend and would talk several times a day, but all that changed this past May when his mother passed away from failure to thrive due to complications with a broken hip. I loved and adored his Mother and she loved me, too. We had a wonderful relationship and I miss her so much. She made me promise her that I would take care of him after she passed and I promised her I would. I would go and visit them through this period as often as I could and offered emotional support to them both. She passed and he was by her side when she passed.  

After she broke her hip, she had to go to a rehab facility and a week later she refused to stay so he brought her home and then took short term disability from his job to care for her 24/7. This went on for almost 3 months and she slowly stopped eating, became very hostile towards him (dementia set in) but not towards me or her granddaughter.

The grieving was hard for both of us and his daughter. About a month after she passed, he said he wanted to “slow things down with us and take a break” all of a sudden. He says he still loves me and cares for me but needs time to “figure things out”. We now talk only 2 or 3 times a week versus 2 or 3 times a day and I haven’t seen him in person for almost 2 months! I am so confused and feel like I’m being punished. He tells me that “I deserve a better boyfriend” and that he “just has to be alone for awhile”.

I have expressed to him repeatedly that I am unable to give up on our love and that I am a fighter, not a quitter and that I will give him all the space he needs. I’ve even suggested that we both go to counseling together to work through this difficult period in our life. He just insists that he needs to be alone right now. I want to offer comfort to him and unconditional love but he doesn't want it. 

My family and friends are just as devastated as I am and they all say to just give it time. I just don’t know how long I can go on like this, it feels like I stuck in a time warp spinning out of control in grief and loss. I promised his mother that I would take care of him after she passed, so how I am to go on like this and not break her promise? 

Sorry for the long post! It does feel better to just write this all down and share with a group that is going through the same or has gone through the same. Thanks for taking the time to read this xox

 

 

 

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tbop42 - welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us as this forum has been a life saver for me. Our stories are similar even though your relationship was twice as long as mine and we lived further apart.  My heart goes out to you as I know how difficult this is. 

On 8/19/2016 at 11:59 AM, tbop42 said:

He tells me that “I deserve a better boyfriend” and that he “just has to be alone for awhile”.

My BF said the same exact words to me almost verbatim.  What I've learned is that their hearts are broken from their loss and for whatever reason they can't grieve and maintain a relationship as well.  Give him the space he needs and know that you're not being punished. It's not about you, as difficult as that is.  I'm sure Marty T and Kayc will comment when they are able with wiser words than I have at the moment.  Just know that we are here to listen and help you through this journey. Big hug. I'm so sorry this is happening to you too. Be good to yourself.

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ChinUp54, your kind and thoughtful response is appreciated very much, thank you! I am so confused because it just doesn't add up and I feel so bad knowing many others just like us are going thorough this horrible heartbreak. How bizarre that your BF said the same thing!!! It just kills me to know that I am unable to give him the comfort his soul needs and that we can't go through this together instead of apart. I fear that if our relationship ends this way that I will never be capable of falling in love again and I worry about how he will move forward in his life as well. I hope the past 6 years haven't been one big lie. Thanks again for listening and caring enough to respond xox      

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation...when my fiance's mother was dying he broke up with me...by FedEx.  I never saw it coming!

Apparently, there's a host of people that break off their relationships when they're grieving...they don't feel they can do both at the same time.  He never tried to get back with me later on, even though after a period of no contact, we've resumed contact as friends only.  He has told me in the years since that he felt guilty for spending time with me instead of his mom, even though at the time she wasn't even sick!  I would have been understanding and patient but I wasn't given that option.  

It has affected my ability to trust or believe someone and I have not dated in the six years since.  He has not dated either, he's afraid if he could hurt me it could happen again if some other tragedy strikes.

I have read all of the threads in this section, almost all of them are this scenario and I only recall one that made it through with their relationship intact.  I consider mine a success story even though we never resumed our relationship in that way, but we were able to maintain a friendship.  It's very hard to do that, though, and can only work as such if both people accept it as such and one isn't secretly hoping for something more.  Most cannot as they see it as a step backwards...I don't look at it that way in our situation, but it took me quite a process to get there.  You have to be very honest with yourself.

The best advice I can give you is:

  • Respect his wishes...we can't force ourselves on someone.
  • Focus on YOU right now.
  • Spend time with family and friends.
  • Keep busy...now is a good time to take that class you always wanted to, join a gym, etc.
  • Try not to let your hopes up for something that may not happen...we have no choice but to take them at face value.

He is right about one thing...you do deserve better than this...better than to be dumped when something comes along or happens in life.  I think most of us prefer to have a relationship with someone who won't abandon us or jump ship when the going is tough, preferring to work through things together.  That doesn't make him a bad person, just someone who is not capable of a relationship at this time.  If he's willing to see a grief counselor and explore what he's feeling and why and work through some of this...but my x-fiance didn't.

Mine had the added situation of being Asperger's and I think that greatly affected how he handled things.  We lived 75 miles apart and his mother was vehement against meeting me..nothing personal to me, just how she is.

You're concerned about breaking a promise to his mother, but it's not you calling the shots, he is.  Unconditional love sounds wonderful, yet works if BOTH are offering it...it doesn't strike me as particularly healthy for a relationship to be totally one-sided.  What about YOU?  We can only neglect ourselves for so long before we fall apart.

Good luck to you!  I don't mean to paint a doom and gloom picture, but a realistic one...I truly hope your relationship turns out to be the exception.

Posting your feelings here really helps, at least it did with me, we have to have someplace to let it out.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for the kind words and advice, Kayc xox the more time passes the more I realize that it's not me, it's him. The weekends are definitely the hardest. With advice and support from my closest friends and family, I have decided the give it exactly 1 year from his mother's death and if he hasn't tried to reconcile with me at that point, I will move on with my life and no longer hold on to the hope of us every having what we once shared. If he's willing to throw everything we had away, then he's right and I DO deserve a better boyfriend.  I admire your strength in your specific situation. I know myself and know that after what I shared with him, I couldn't remain just friends with him, it would be too difficult to move on in my life. It does help to have this wonderful place to post my feeling and know that others such as yourself understand. Good luck to you and thanks for listening and caring enough to respond xox      

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Update:

We haven't spoken for 10 solid days and it has been ripping my heart apart.

The last thing I texted him was that I will always love him, I miss him and his daughter, that I'm still grieving his mother's death, too and for him to reach out to me when he's ready to be my partner, friend and lover once again.

He texted back "Agreed" and I immediately deleted his phone number from my cell phone right after his text because I knew I would be too tempted to check up on him every now and then. He knows where I live and knows how to find me if he wants or needs me.

As I mentioned in my response to KayC above, I have decided the give it exactly 1 year from his mother's death and if he hasn't tried to reconcile with me at that point, I will move on with my life and no longer hold on the hope of us ever having what we once shared.

It's now been a little over 3 months since she passed. 

 

 

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I agree with KayC, it's no use to continue pursuing someone only to get wounded again.  It may be time to tell him goodbye, even if only in actions.  I wouldn't continue to pursue him.  It's going to be hard, breaking up with a loved one always is, but it's time to start focusing on the rest of your life.  He may come around after being without you, but he may not.  He's the only one who can decide if the relationship is something he can do right now.  I would take this year you have given yourself at live it as well as you can. You don't want the year to lapse and end up pursuing him, or falling back with him, out of desperation.  Above all, trust him when he tells you that he cannot be a good partner right now.  You deserve better.

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You might want to shorten your time limit.  Going no contact can protect your love.  It's very hard to feel rejected on an ongoing basis, it hurts YOU.  You are important and deserve better treatment.  You can't live in limbo for a year, that's too hard.  I did it for a few months (with no contact) and I can't tell you how many tears I shed!  It literally tore me up inside!  Focus on YOU, and if in the meanwhile he comes to and rethinks his position, then that is time enough for you to consider what you want to do with that.  Don't be surprised, however, if you don't feel exactly the same way after a length of time of being shut out of his life.  We have amazing self-preservation and do begin to adapt, as is healthy for us to do.  We no longer look at them the same after being the recipient of such ill treatment.  I'm not putting him down, I understand their situation, but it does take it's toll.

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Hi tbop42~

Once again I will say I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well.  It's so difficult to decide what to do and how to proceed.  For me, I set milestone dates every couple of months for re-evaluating whether I was going to contact my BF. My next one is coming up at the end of this month. (I haven't contacted him since starting this and I haven't heard from him either - fyi.) What I have noticed is that as time goes by I am feeling stronger and more "together" than I was after the initial breakup.  I followed the advice a wise person gave me and focused on what brings me joy. When I was first asked the question I didn't even know how to respond - in my heartbroken grieving state I had forgotten what brought me joy. That used to be a no-brainer for me!  Slowly but surely focusing on what makes me happiest has had the desired effect and I'm getting over this heartbreak.  So time is on your side and please be gentle with yourself.  Cry if you must and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. This is so difficult and you have to do what feels right for you. One day at a time putting one foot in front of the other, that's how I am getting through this.  :)

We're here for you when you need us.

Hugs.

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